Parental Role Adjustment?

magenta

I am struggling with the changing role I have in DD's life. She is our first-born, 17 - a HS senior. She drives and I now have very little "control" over her. She's a good kid, gets good grades, but I am so worried most of the time, worried about her safety, worried about her self-care. I don't think she makes wise decisions, but do I just let her make bad choices and feel the consequences? I don't know what else I can do at this point. Some examples:

She plays tennis very competitively. If she is not in school, she is on the tennis court. Right now, it is 95deg with 31% humidity (the high today will be 104deg.) She will be playing all day. I worry about her drinking enough water, eating, and applying enough sunscreen. She is fair-skinned and has blue eyes. We've taken her to a dermatologist who has told her she is at high risk for skin cancer and even eye cancer because of all the sun exposure she gets and her fair coloring. It is like pulling teeth to get her to put on sunscreen. She refuses to wear sunglasses, and resists wearing a hat. She comes home with a sunburned face and it makes me crazy. I tell her she will get skin cancer and she says of course she will. My father is constantly having his Dr. dig out skin cancer out of him.

She will go running in the middle of the day. As she is walking out the door, we have this conversation (more than once):
Me: Aren't you going to take some water?
Her: There is a drinking fountain.
Me: Take a water bottle - I bought them for you.
Her: takes water bottle and leaves

She also goes running at the track at her school after dark. It is dimly lit. Some times there are other people there walking or jogging. Other times there is no one. I am very concerned for her safety for obvious reasons. She tells me that no one would try anything with her because she is "confident." She is 5'6" and weighs like 115-120. I suggest to H that maybe he could demonstrate that a man's strength will overpower her 'confidence' easily.

I don't think she eats breakfast (she leaves for school while I am getting ready), I have no idea if she eats lunch (I'm at work when she gets home from school). She rarely eats dinner at home but says they have food at tennis (we've asked her coach and it sounds like it is true).

H thinks I am overreacting and that this is not cause for worry, she's fine. Do I just need to let go, or what else can I do?

HildaCorners

At 17, you can't parent them like they're 12. You can't force a 17 year old to do anything. If you try, you run the risk of the kid becoming defiant and rejecting all your advice.

Instead, ask general questions and mention what you would do in the situation:

"It's going to be very hot today? What have you done to prepare for that?"
"I'm wearing my sunscreen today, are you?"
"I focus better in the morning when I eat breakfast."
"I'm going grocery shopping today. What nutritious food would you like me to buy?"

Remember, in a year or so, she'll probably be on her own, in college or working. Your job is to give her the tools she needs for making wise choices then.

mrsozzy

HildaCorners said:

At 17, you can't parent them like they're 12. You can't force a 17 year old to do anything. If you try, you run the risk of the kid becoming defiant and rejecting all your advice.

Instead, ask general questions and mention what you would do in the situation:

"It's going to be very hot today? What have you done to prepare for that?"
"I'm wearing my sunscreen today, are you?"
"I focus better in the morning when I eat breakfast."
"I'm going grocery shopping today. What nutritious food would you like me to buy?"

Remember, in a year or so, she'll probably be on her own, in college or working. Your job is to give her the tools she needs for making wise choices then.

I think this can work if done in moderation.  Too much can venture into lecturing territory, especially at that age.  What has sometimes worked for me is, with the sunscreen example, saying something like, "I remember that horrible painful sunburn I got years ago when I forgot to wear sunscreen at the lake.  I'll never do that again." Then leave the sunscreen out where she can see it.

Or, she might just have to get a bad burn and learn from that.  I know I did as a kid.:(

ETA:  I think you can't worry much about her diet and eating habits at that age, other than having healthy food available.  And as to running at night, you could bring up self defense classes or ask if she would like to carry some appropriate self defense tool.

SignorePillolaRossa

Yup, time to let go , mama bear ... sounds like you raised a string, achieving young woman ... now reinforce how proud you are when she makes good choices .... if college is in her future, put your effort into overseeing (but NOT doing) the college application season ... listen to your husband on this