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Leticia's MAP
Leticia
Silver Member Posts: 102
I've been lurking around the forum since the last time I posted (some weeks ago). I wasn't expecting to post again, but what was planned to be me throwing the towel and getting a divorce ended up becoming a somewhat dramatic Phase Four - H and I are giving this a last, honest shot. I got my profile reset for privacy reasons, and now I'm back to mapping. So here is my MAP. I'll post this is parts, since once I wrote it all down it ended up ginormous.
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REDS
Health – make an appointment with a gastroenterologist to figure out WTF is wrong with my guts. Explaining the issue in detail would be waaaaaay TMI, so I’ll just say things are definitely not normal.
Health – go to bed earlier to ensure I get enough sleep. I’ve always been a sleep procrastinator. It’s better these days, but still a red.
Work – get my professional paperwork in order. Likely to stay red for a while, since there’s a shit ton of stuff that’s behind.
Screen time – We barely ever turn on the TV (recently cancelled cable since we weren’t using it) but I do spend too much time on the computer and phone.
Broken stuff – need to get someone to check my car’s headlights ASAP. Safety, duh!
Emotional Tunnel Vision – or better yet, emotional blindness. On days when I’m feeling negative, I deeply envy asexual people and wish that I could just do without sex and romance of any kind – it’s too difficult and painful. Reading about all the people turning their marriages around in the Forum tends to help.
Stop nerfing personality – some serious introspection got me to notice how many of my tastes and habits in the past were dictated by my relationships. I find it natural for one person in a couple to have some influence over the other to some extent, but apart from a couple of very deep personal interests, I barely remember what I used to do with my time when I wasn’t in a relationship. Need to work on this ASAP.
Sex – I don’t even know how to deal with this, but it’s definitely a RED, so here it goes: I have unconsciously killed my libido and I am not sure how to deal with this. I have zero desire for my H at the moment, so making an effort to feel sexual again just feels plain dangerous. This makes me incredibly sad, as I’ve always loved sex, but due to complicated shit my sexuality stopped feeling like a source of pleasure and instead became this brute force that just hurts people. Trying to work on this through therapy.
YELLOWS
Fitness - Not skip any more Pilates lessons. This is more a yellow-green to be honest, since I’ve been pretty consistent, but it’s getting tricky since I often need to schedule meetings at the time of my usual classes, and sometimes I can’t reschedule. But even if I do reschedule, I need to have my two classes per week.
Fitness - Add more workouts during the week, even if just 15 minutes using the elliptical machine. Twice a week, while better than nothing, is just not enough.
Health – cigarettes: don’t fall off the wagon on stressful days. I’ll try to identify my triggers and avoid them or find a substitute pleasure.
Health – go a bit easier on the alcohol on weekends. I’m no slush, but I do love wine, beer, the occasional cocktail, etc. and on weekends I sometimes get carried away. I never get wasted, but I sure can cut down a bit.
Money – spend less on food. I absolutely fucking hate the employees’ kitchen at my workplace, so I never pack lunches – besides, I like having a moment to go outside and smell the wind. Unfortunately, that means I end up spending too much on meals. I’ll try to eat at home a little more frequently (possible on some days) or eat at cheaper places.
Work – apply GTD more consistently, better time management. I’m WAY better at this than I used to be, but considering how much I have on my plate right now, I need to take this to blackbelt level.
Covert contracts – therapy has forced me to acknowledge that my whole marriage was a huge covert contract from the start (i.e. I’ll marry you and be the best wife ever, you’ll fix everything about yourself I don’t like, but never told you about). I’ve got rid of that mentality, but I simply don’t have the habit of setting boundaries and plainly asking for what I want. I’m consciously making and effort, and am making progress.
DLVs – once I started paying attention, I became alarmed at how many DLV I was distributing left and right. This is much better now, but on some days stopping the negative thinking and approval seeking can take more energy than I can muster. When that happens, I try to focus on actions instead of feelings, and/or give myself a healthy indulgence (e.g. nap, long shower).
Quality time with H – better recently, but finding this tricky due to being always exhausted from work/study and to the “stop nerfing personality” issue – since I don’t know what I really like, it gets difficult finding stuff we both enjoy doing. Usually we just chat or watch something together.
Fitness – I. Look. Smoking. Hot. Seriously, my body hasn’t looked this good since I was 21 and kickboxing. Still can get better though – no such a thing as an ass that’s too firm.
Money – tighten the budget a teensy bit more so I can continue saving even though I’m making less money. If I can cut down spending on food, I can probably make it. Donate a little if at all possible.
Dress well – I’m experimenting with the idea of a capsule wardrobe (not too strict, just using some basic principles) and looking put together became much easier. Need to buy some tighter clothes and new shoes.
Girl game – do nails more often, don’t get lazy with makeup and hair, continue good skin care regimen.
1. get a referral for a good doctor that takes my health insurance.
2. get a referral for a trustworthy mechanic
3. catch up with HR paperwork.
My tip for finding a good, honest place is NOT to go to a 'chain' like Pep Boys or Sears. Find that little Mom-n-Pop place that always looks busy. I work for one of those. Reputation means a lot more when someone's name is on the building. Also check reviews on Yelp, Google, etc.
"Treating her like a princess didn't make me a prince, it made me a servant."
Link to triage questions: http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/
It never hurts for a woman to learn how to deal with car repairs.
I was the one who found an excellent mechanic, way back during my last marriage. A "father and son" business, with excellent customer service. When the "check engine" light came on in my old beater car, I took it in and we had a discussion on what to do given a) I was going to junk the car in less than a year; b) I had minimal money for repairs, c) I needed a car I could drive safely.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
I have to ask. Why aren't you attracted to H? What is it?
Is he vested in saving this too
Into Phase 3..
Those Who Dare......Win. "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow..""Treating her like a princess didn't make me a prince, it made me a servant."
Link to triage questions: http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/
This is truly excellent. I love to hear of when therapy actually makes people see stuff, as opposed to the therapist just sitting there and saying "oh that must make you so sad" etc. and commiserating or giving advice.
But it takes time.
Is H (best case) correspondingly looking at himself, or is he (the worst case) taking it that because you're in therapy, then you're the one with the problems?
- H has definitely taken responsability for being a lousy captain and is making a real effort to turn things around. He's lost a bunch of weigh and is getting better at keeping his shit together. Honestly, I'm only still in the marriage because he commited himself to becoming a better person. But in the end we may simply not be right for each other.
2. Done. H actually found a place, since he had a minor issue with his own car, and he made sure to tell me about the place. He also offered to take it there, which is very sweet, but might not be practical. Will decide on this.
3. Partial fail. Did get stuff done, but still behind.
1. Finish assignments for the course I'm taking. Glaring red, as I'm really behind and they're due on Friday.
2. Schedule doctor's appointment.
3. Take car to mechanic or arrange with H for him to take it.
2. Done. Appointment is tomorrow!
3. Fail. Just didn't find the time.
1. Get done with the freaking paperwork already. Major energy suck!
2. Do something fun with H at home. I'm thinking picnic on the living room.
3. Get the car fixed.
Ok, so I could really use some input on this.
Since I Phased-4 H, things have gradually been getting for us – except for sex. That mean we’ve been without sex of any kind for about two months now.
We have to break this dry spell if this marriage is to have any chance at all, but I’m quite stuck about how to make this happen. I’m still quite unattracted (though I do have more positive feelings towards H) and don’t really feel like it, so that doesn’t help. H, on his side, told me that he has “trained himself not to think about me that way” so that he doesn’t feel frustrated. I have to admit this feels like a major DLV to me, since during our whole relationship he got a hard ‘no’ exactly twice – and on one of these times I was down with a fever. Basically, he just doesn’t bother to find out if I’m yellow, he just assumes red. He says he can feel I don’t want it and doesn’t want to ask a question he already has the answer to.
Point taken. Problem is, who is going to initiate then? I’m not really attracted to him, so I’m never enough in the mood to initiate, and it feels just wrong to ask for the chance to provide duty sex. He won’t, and he has a history of horribly weak initiations anyway – I even suspect he feels he got rejected often because I didn’t notice when he was initiating on past occasions. I don’t know what exactly he expects – maybe he wants us to go back to the point where I did most of the initiating or would accept any lame ass initiation he threw my way. No, thank you.
If everything stays the same, we are never going to have sex again. I do not want a sexless life. So what should I do? Do I bite the bullet and initiate duty sex? Do I tell him to initiate (cringe)? Do I wait more to see if he gets attractive enough so that I want to initiate? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
I think you should focus on the rest of your MAP for awhile and let the sex issue rest for now. MAPing should get you there but you have to trust in the process and it takes time. To quote Serenity, "its a marathon, not a sprint."... this phrase gets used a lot around here because most of us come here hungry to get the sex back on track and fast. Patience grasshopper
Love your enthusiasm!
I don't know how long you've been at this or what your history is but my advice (learned the hard way) is don't compromise on the feeling of attraction - but put a time limit on how long you'll wait - don't end up like me!!