Leticia's MAP

Leticia

dalef said:

Or he may be relieved it is over. I had a relationship where I knew it was going bad for a long time, and two days after she ended it, I was just feeling relieved. (And 28 years later, we are remain friends and nothing more).

I truly hope that's what's going on with him too, dalef, and I would love to get the same outcome. Thanks for sharing that!

Leticia

I just got my first actual test of resolve about the divorce. And it was a moth.

However the fuck is in charge of the plot has an interesting sense of humour. See, I can deal with cockroaches. Spiders. Gekkos even. 

But moths... the ugly evil things are my one and only phobia. It's ridiculous, I know, they're harmless. But I just. can't. deal.

Then I arrive home from work, and there it is. A giant moth. In my bedroom. A small part of me honestly considered asking STBXH to come back home just so he could deal with it. 

Then I though "This is stupid, it's a fucking insect, it's harmless, just go there and kill it or shoo it or something". So I braced myself... and then went next door, to ask my neighbor to get it for me. 

So, need some advice: what is an appropriate thank-you-for-killing-the-monster-in-my-apartment gift? 

frillyfun

I love doing little stupid things like that.  Squish a bug, reach something high up for someone- it's all good.  Just don't call them at like 2:00 am to do the same thing.

Do they have any creepy crawlies they don't like?  DS and I have an agreement.  I get rid of spiders, and he keeps an eye out for garter snakes in the flower beds.  Maybe they have a thing about roaches?

I have a bug zapper tennis racket type thing that works really well.  You can usually find them at cheapy stores in the summer.

Leticia

Oh, the tennis racket thingy!! I'm TOTALLY getting myself one of those!! Thank you, @frillyfun!  :-D

Neighbor did not seem to mind, was quite nice about it and managed not to laugh too hard. Said no big deal, he kills bugs for his wife all the time. Honestly, I think at least some cookies. 

Angeline

I'm getting myself one of these. A friend posted a clip of one on Facebook. You can catch and release, or catch and flush. I'll come do your moths if you do my spiders.

http://mycrittercatcher.com/

Reborn

It needs a longer arm on it. Like ten foot long or something. 

On the other hand, if you catch spiders with that thing, your cats will look at you with new respect.

Leticia

OMG, @Angeline , I need that technology in my life!

Serenity

Recently Divorced Hottie is Sending Cookies to My Husband! Oh Noes, What Do I Do?

Sounds kind of like a Forum thread, doesn't it?

Maybe send the cookies to the husband and his wife.

Neighbor did not seem to mind, was quite nice about it and managed not to laugh too hard. Said no big deal, he kills bugs for his wife all the time. Honestly, I think at least some cookies. 

Leticia

Serenity said:

Recently Divorced Hottie is Sending Cookies to My Husband! Oh Noes, What Do I Do?

Sounds kind of like a Forum thread, doesn't it?

Maybe send the cookies to the husband and his wife.

Neighbor did not seem to mind, was quite nice about it and managed not to laugh too hard. Said no big deal, he kills bugs for his wife all the time. Honestly, I think at least some cookies. 

Yeah, that crossed my mind. I admit I'm never sure how to signal to a woman "I don't want your man!" without looking like the lady doth protest too much. Should I include them both then?

Leticia

I think this is probably a good moment for a MAP update. So, MAP update.

It's now been 10 days since STBXH left the house. I miss his company in some ways, but at the same time I don't miss him at all, and apart from the Attack of Mothra incident, have not second guessed my decision once. 

STBXH has gone M.I.A. apart from some brief contact on Mother's Day, when I called his mom to congratulate her and then briefly talked to him for a couple of minutes. As far as I know, he hasn't told his parents yet. Out of respect for that, I haven't told anyone apart from immediate family and a couple of very close friends. Today I sent him an email asking how he and his parents are doing and asking a few practical questions about his mail and him dropping by to pick up some stuff. I hinted at the fact that I'm waiting for him to talk to his parents anytime soon. If he doesn't, I'll have to think of a course of action.

I have been thinking a lot about the future lately and what I want from it. I noticed that the whole process, while painful, has taught me a lot. A few highlights:

- I am more high-stimulation than I previously thought. Due to being raised in a home full of loud extroverts, I always thought I was an introvert, but now I know I'm probably more of an 'ambivert'.

- Without STBXH around, I'm more productive. I eat more healthily, sleep earlier and have more energy to tidy up. I enjoy the quiet evenings, and I spend less time in front of the computer at night.

- From now on, I have to watch my budget like a hawk. The income of the household is now half of what it used to be. While expenses have fallen a little, I have to see how it's going to be now that I'm on my own. I may need to cut a few corners.

- Despite what I said above, I can't wait to do some redecorating.  When we did the place, we naturally made a few concessions to each other's preferences, and now that I have the place to myself, I want to make it all my own. I've never had my own place, so I love the idea. I have a nice fat nest egg, and I'm thinking about using a bit of it to make the place nice. But not before I'm sure I'm not in the red.

- While I don't miss being married to STBXH, I hate being single, and I'm really missing hot sex and romance (not that I had much of either while married, but I digress). I'm not exactly looking forward to meeting new people, first and foremost because I'm officially still married; second, it's too soon and I need some time by myself before I even consider it; and third because I don't really like the whole dating thing. Most of the stories of my single girlfriends make me cringe. But I'll cross that bridge when I get there, I guess. 

Too late in the week for monkeys, and I got a shitload done this week already. Next week, I'll pick some good ones and post them. 

maverick

Leticia said:

Today I sent him an email asking how he and his parents are doing and asking a few practical questions about his mail and him dropping by to pick up some stuff. I hinted at the fact that I'm waiting for him to talk to his parents anytime soon. If he doesn't, I'll have to think of a course of action.

Is there a reason behind needing him to talk to his parents?  It doesn't strike me as something you would want to waste any energy on.  You have plenty of awesome things to do.

Leticia

maverick said:

Leticia said:

Today I sent him an email asking how he and his parents are doing and asking a few practical questions about his mail and him dropping by to pick up some stuff. I hinted at the fact that I'm waiting for him to talk to his parents anytime soon. If he doesn't, I'll have to think of a course of action.

Is there a reason behind needing him to talk to his parents?  It doesn't strike me as something you would want to waste any energy on.  You have plenty of awesome things to do.

It seems right to tell your parents if you're getting a divorce, no?

Leticia

Besides, I don't want to have to lie to them if they call on my landline trying to talk to STBXH.

maverick

Leticia said:

Besides, I don't want to have to lie to them if they call on my landline trying to talk to STBXH.

If that happens, at least it will really reaffirm your decision to leave.

dalef

Of course, the landline might be a place to cut back. I almost never talked to my parents about any problems with my GFs, so his relationship with his parents may be the reason he hasn't told them.

Angeline

Leticia said:

Besides, I don't want to have to lie to them if they call on my landline trying to talk to STBXH.

"Oh, I'm sure you can reach him on his cell."
Really, it doesn't affect you if he decides never to tell them. Just don't take their calls if you don't want to be put in the position of doing it for him, after all that break with them will have to happen at some point anyway.

One of the side effects of being free of him, is letting go of the "shoulds". It's no longer your job to manage his "shoulds".

Leticia

Yesterday, as I had agreed with myself I was going to do, I tried to think of three monkeys for the week. And I was completely stumped. I could think of many tasks that needed doing - maintenance stuff - but no monkeys. I don't know what to do to move forward. I feel like I am in limbo.

I have realized that what @Angeline said has not sunk in yet. I haven't let go of my 'shoulds'. Mostly because I want to play nice to ensure that the divorce process is smooth, but partly because I guess I feel a bit guilty. Not very positive I know.

It hasn't all been negative. I'm taking care of myself, went out with friends on Saturday and had a lot of fun, I have been getting a lot done and me and my sister (who is divorcing her cheating husband) are planning a short inexpensive trip in July to a place I've always wanted to visit. But still, I feel like I was supposed to be doing something, and I don't know what.

STBXH went yesterday to my place to pick up his mail and a few items while I wasn't there. The ball is in his court for a number of things, and I feel a bit frustrated and impatient that I have to wait. I feel like pressuring him a bit, and at the same I don't want to. But I need him to find a place soon so that he can take his stuff out of the flat, tell me if he wants to take any of the furniture, and tell his parents about the divorce so that I can get in touch with them to say thank you and start legal procedures. 

I need monkeys that are not related to him. Thing is, this week I'm not feeling it. It's like after the relief of asking for the divorce, and separating, and telling my family, I am finally taking the time to feel sad about it. I don't miss STBXH - not as a husband anyway - but I have been missing romance, and feeling desired, and intimacy for quite a while now, and it seems to have got much worse these last few days. I'm getting the "I'm going to die alone" feelings, which I know is just fear-driven BS, but have been sapping my energy. 

For the ones who have gone through this, where do I go from here? 

Scarlet

You are not obligated to wait to start legal proceedings.  You do not need his permission"

Leticia

Scarlet said:

You are not obligated to wait to start legal proceedings.  You do not need his permission"

True, but if I want to keep stress and expenses to a minimum, I need his cooperation. I won't start the process without him at least agreeing with me on the lawyer unless he starts being difficult, and I feel it's too early too stop playing nice. 

Angeline

I've been through it yes, at 49. And I was also laid off, along with a couple if other ugly life crises. The "should" advice comes from hard experience, I assure you! There were all sorts of things I couldn't do until he did X, trying to meet some invisible jury of fairness, trying to engineer or prolong contact, trying to punish, oh God yes, I've made all the mistakes. Including falling down my stairs and bursting into tears because who knows how long I would have laid there all alone. LOL.

Call the in-laws tomorrow, tell them how much they mean to you, how much you love them, and that you just thought it needed to be said. They'll be puzzled, and think you had a close call in traffic. 

Put his stuff in boxes, and ask him if he'd like his mail forwarded to a mailboxes place, or his parents, to let you know by Friday. 

If you haven't already, go get new locks/keys/whatever your doorknob setup is tomorrow. 

Your monkeys are about putting one foot in front of the other, and getting these small but gigantic administrative tasks done.

How much can really happen if things get contentious? The difficult thing, moving him out, has already happened.