Rhino Intro and Triage

RhinoRhino Salt Lake city Silver Member Posts: 3
edited September 2015 in Introduce Yourself
Hello everyone,

Just looking for some advice on how best planning strategies to implement.  It sounds like doing a triage is the best for gathering incite into our relationship. 

Q1- I am 36 6'3" and 235 pounds.  My wife is 5'8" 135 pounds.  We met where every other successful relationship develops- a bar.  She was a bartender and I happen to stroll in there looking to quench my thirst.  She was the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on, and still is to this day.  We spent every waking moment with each other for years.  Eventually like other couples we got stung by the baby stork.  Shortly after that we had another and another.  We had 3 babies all 18 months apart.  We picked up a fourth a few years down the road.

We were very happy and I think people picked up on that when they saw 3 babies following us around.  Well life has caught up with us and now we have been together for 13 years.  We have a 10 year old girl, 8 year old boy, 7 year old boy, and 3 year old daughter.  

I do have it better than most other men that have posted here.  The problem in my relationship, one I didn't even realize until reading the MMSLP was I am not the captain.  She is in control of everything and has been for as long as I remember.  

She also no longer touches me and getting her to have sex is begging and throwing attitude until she finally gives in.  I know realize how douche this is after reading the books.  It just drives me crazy to have a women that I love so much will not initiate contact.  

Q2- She seems fine medically and wouldn't take a pill even if a doctor prescribed her one anyways.  I remember her mood swings after the birth of our children and she is very steady now.  She's in great shape and works out 5 days a week.

Q3- I have a few pounds maybe 10 that I could loose but she seems very attractive to me when we eventually have sex.  She is in great shapes, especially for having 4 kids.  She still get's me going all the time.  

I have ADD which I was taking RX for but have stopped taking.  It lead to two very embarrassing sex episodes.  I didn't even know you could orgasm with out being very hard.

We are tight on money and have besides the house payment around $30k in debt.  We don't have much savings.  I know this is an area of stress for her and I am working on it.  I opened up my own company 3 years ago and it takes all left over money to bring in more clients.

Q4- Found out in between having our 2nd and 3rd child that she was an alcoholic.  There were a few relapses over a 2 year period but threatened one more and I was leaving with the kids.  That and finding organized religion has kept her clean and sober for the last 5 years.

I wish I believed in her religion but I feel it's there to take advantage of people.  I like that my kids believe in an higher power but wish she could have found a religion closer to what I believe in.  But it's better than wondering if she is out drinking again.

Q5- I don't believe she has any outside sexual interest although since reading the books and getting on this site and reddit TRP I have become more Sherlock Holmes-ish.  What I found so far is that she likes being around other stay at homes wives and talks about the kids a ton.  I have not found anything juicy at all.  

I partake in Porn 2 to 3 times a week.  I would rather be making love to her but will settle with the knuckle shuffle.

Q6- The sex just became very vanilla about 6 years ago.  Her famous line is "I'm 40 and I know what I like and what I don't."  In other words it's missionary style all the time.  She feels doggy-style is for ugly girls.  Her words not mine.  I just want the spark back and for her not to control and manipulate sexy time.  This is something I shouldn't have to beg for.  She just doesn't seem to care about my needs and complains that all I want her for is sex.  She also says every conversation ends with me bringing up sex.

Q7- Sex was amazing! It was everywhere, anywhere, all the time.  I wouldn't have to start it up either.  She used to have an older car that we dubbed the LOVE BOAT.  Now it's lights out, missionary, and she wants it quick as possible.  

Q8- Last year I got involved with a really cool girl and ended up playing golf with every Sunday while the wife was at work.  She was a beautiful CEO who just recently went through a divorce.  She had great friends and was constantly doing fun adventures.  I ended up falling for her at the time.  Just before it got physical I told my wife about it.  I ended up having an emotional affair on her.  Which I didn't even realize was a thing until we went to marriage counseling.  I was ready to give it all up to be with this woman.  But the last second I wised up and ran back to my wife and kids.  I still cringe thinking about all the cool things I would have missed out on if I was divorced.  

Q9-She has been without a question.  I read about these shit texts and I am trying to think back to a time when she gave me these.  I can't think of anything.  The women never asks me for anything she just does everything that she wants to do.  She also thinks that her way is the best way so why have me do something if she is going to have to redo it.  I used to think that was so awesome that she would just handle everything and I used to brag to my friends how great I have it.  Now I realize what a tool I have been.

Q10- Still good times if we are out and about.  I still tell her everything that goes on with me and all my thought and emotions.  I know realized I shouldn't have bee





Tagged:
Leticia

Comments

  • markymapomarkymapo Silver Member Posts: 542
    edited September 2015
    Don't know if it's the end of triage but I'll chime in. 

    Stop talking about the lack of sex and def stop begging. She's doing it out of pity. You still try to initiate but if she says no then just practice OI and go do something fun by yourself. (She will notice that)

    You guys have 4 kids, that's a sex killer for sure. Plus she works, I think you said full time?

    You need to start your MAP and stick to it. First Goal is to do some sort of workout routine. Weights are cheap and you don't need to buy every weight set out there. Look on Craigslist if you don't have any. 

    You need to go on dates. You get the babysitter and make reservation. 

    You didn't put SR # down. As in what SR does she think you are. 

    Stop porn like yesterday. 

    You our are in phase 1, don't jump the phases. 

    ETA: The EA was a critical moment for you but if you apologized correctly and are open with her it will fix itself. 

    The drinking was a critical moment for her, but sounds like she is doing better. 
    The_DudeDaddyOhTenneeCowboy
  • RhinoRhino Salt Lake city Silver Member Posts: 3
    Thanks Markymapo.

    Have stopped begging for sex.  Realized after reading the book how that drives her away.  I have started going to the gym every morning to lift and nights that she denies sex I go and do cardio.  

    She is a stay at home mom to our 3 year old.  The other kids are in school most of the day. 

    I definitely need to do the date route and surprise her more. More savings would allow me to be more comfortable winning and dinner her.

    When I was reading the book I asked her what she would rate us and she said I was a 9 to her and she considers her self an 8.  I believe that is called a relationship lie.  I think she is 8 1/2 to 9.  I would consider myself a 7.

    Stopping the porn wagon, but it is nice to get some release.
  • BlackwulfBlackwulf Leading the pack. Silver Member Posts: 1,782
    edited September 2015
    Is that your picture?  You might want to change it.  Your wife is aware of the books?  
    The_Dude
  • The_DudeThe_Dude Hollywood Star LanesGold Men Posts: 4,583
    Welcome. Good triage.  You have a pretty straightforward course of action. 

    You don't need to wine and dine her. That's fine if you can swing it but there are lots of other ways to generate dopamine.  There are a bunch of threads about this but in general you want to stop being predictable.  Do new things.  Plan and make them happen without asking her or, even worse, getting her to plan them. 
    It really does not need to involve a lot of money. 
    KattTennee
  • The_DudeThe_Dude Hollywood Star LanesGold Men Posts: 4,583
    Also, I'd suggest changing the title of the thread to Rhino Triage or something with your name in it.  After a while it is really hard to track threads with common titles.  If you want to do this and can't edit it ask a moderator. 
  • al2682al2682 CheeseheadSilver Member Posts: 535
    If you need to take care of yourself, that is fine.  Just do not  do it to porn.  


    DaddyOh
  • HeisenbergHeisenberg ArizonaMember Posts: 16
    Welcome Rhino. It seems like things aren't terrible, so you might be in a good spot to get everything on-track. Your wife is a mom and you want her to be a wife too. To open up to you physically, so you can connect with her intimately.   

    Improving your financial situation is going to be huge for you. I know that can take a while though. And you know that you need to be the captain, so that will help improve things as the dynamic shifts. I do wonder about your EA though. You say it happened last year, which isn't that long ago. How did she react to that? And, has she rebounded from that?

    Since your wife was pretty open early in the relationship, hopefully that means it's possible to get back to that level, or at least close.
  • TenneeTennee Next Stop: AwesomevilleSilver Member Posts: 5,963
    "We met where every other successful relationship develops- a bar."

    Cheers my fellow 'bar hook-up leads to marriage' guy.  Welcome aboard...
    "Fall down seven times, stand up eight"  Japanese Proverb

    How will you live well today?
  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    Welcome!

    I think you and your marriage is why Athol produced his video series ... you'd get a ton of good advice just from Part One.

    If you'd rather read, both of Athol's "serious" books and No More Mr Nice Guy should be required reading.

    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
  • AngelineAngeline planting seedsCategory Moderator** Posts: 14,500
    edited September 2015
    Edited name of post, @Rhino, please page Athol_Kay, Jen_Kay, or Serenity to your thread by adding the "@" sign in front of their names to change name or reset picture to something more anonymous if desired.
    "Speak your truth." - Scarlet
    Remember to play!
    Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
    Be married, until you are not.

    Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
  • RhinoRhino Salt Lake city Silver Member Posts: 3
    Thank you for your responses.  I will plan on purchasing the videos that Athol created.  I am almost finished re-reading NMMNG.  I personally have to re-read the books to implement a game plan.  Especially if I want to make the changes for good.

    Tenne- Fist bump to a fellow awkward story telling of where I met my wife.

    Heinsburg.  I agree with you regarding finances and savings.  My wife was rightfully upset for 4 months after, but things have returned to normal.  I have dedicated myself to doing everything I can to make the marriage work for both her and the kids.

    Al2682- Still on the no porn kick and it hasn't been a problem.  In fact I have even been tempted in a while.  Granted it's only been a little over a week so its a small victory.

    TheDude- Planning on keeping her on her feet more.  Planning dates without letting her know anything about it.  From the babysitter to what we are doing.  That way I can maintain control.

    Thanks everyone for you help so far!
    Tennee
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