What would have happened if, instead of sitting on his face, you told him that you'd rather lie back?
Some (a lot) of your husband's issues stem from low T, but some stem from the fact that he just sucks in bed. While you're fixing the T, skills can be learned. You're going to have to teach him how you want to be fucked.
@LadyOrTheTyger Can he learn when the T is low? I have told him over and over that I want him on top of me, that I don't want to be on top. I've even pulled him over me and resisted him pulling me on top multiple times, and he still defaults to me on top for everything. How do I get through to him?
As for the face-sitting, I was pleased he was even trying oral since he usually doesn't, so I didn't really think about correcting him in the moment. It just happened to not work very well, and the real problems were later.
Can you swing a call with Athol? I think like Amblrgrl has shown, in cases like yours where the guy is clueless, very clear communication is key. Your H doesn't know how to initiate or how to fuck. He actually thinks laying there scantily clad on the bed is seductive. STFU doesn't work because his instincts tell him to do the opposite of what you want/need. I feel like you're working hard, petal to the metal, but your wheels are spinning in the mud - you're not getting any traction with your H (you've made some great personal progress though). I think Athol could help you work out how and when to communicate with your H in a way that will get through to him - help you get some traction.
@frillyfun Okay, and then what? I've already got a whole list of things I want him to do to me. When I gave him some ideas, he did some of them once and that was it, despite my attempts to be enthusiastic and appreciative. I've also asked him multiple times to tell me what he wants me to do to him, and he always just says PIV is enough for him. So I'm not sure what else you're suggesting I do.
If you are firm about him being on top, and he won't do it, then you say no. "Sorry, that is not sexy. I've lost the mood." Then it's very clear what the problem is. I get that it's much less clear if he does a crappy initiation, but there's no mistaking what the problem is when you state specifically what you want and he won't do it. He'll likely be pissy the first few times you assert what you want and don't settle for crap sex when he resists. Oh well.
From your very first posts it was pretty clear that he is a lazy lover, but there was plenty for you to work on. You have done so, by leaps and bounds.
I agree, you need to set up a call with Athol or @Serenity to create a plan for getting things moving in the next 30 days, versus getting more and more angry and wasting 6 months.
"Speak your truth." - Scarlet Remember to play! Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not. Be married, until you are not.
It's a Catch-22. You want sex more than he does, so you simply have no leverage. If you turn him down, he rolls over and goes to sleep, and you lie there frustrated and wanting. Or you have sex with him, and it's crappy, and you lie there frustrated and wanting.
You're not going to fix this without fixing the T. Optimizing his testosterone isn't going to fix all his problems, because he's still going to have to lose his Nice Guy, and actually learn how to turn you on, but it's the platform you need to start with.
My guess is that you do currently have the leverage to get him to address the low T, but you're avoiding conflict by not using that leverage.
You can wait another 4-5 months, but it's not going to change anything. You've just got to decide if you have the patience to put up with a crappy sex life for another half a year.
Do I have to reverse the ultimatum on him? No more sex until he starts getting his T treated, maybe? Or at least until he has a plan. I thought I could live with the compromise of testing again at the end of the year, but if he's not going to exercise or work very hard to actually try to increase T naturally, then there's no point in dragging things out for months.
@Serenity has captured my dilemma wonderfully. Thank you.
I am considering a call for help to determine where my leverage is and how best to apply it to avoid exploding the relationship. We both do have a history of avoiding conflict, him because he's a Nine and me because my parents argued and eventually divorced. I know it's something to work on.
Comments
Some (a lot) of your husband's issues stem from low T, but some stem from the fact that he just sucks in bed. While you're fixing the T, skills can be learned. You're going to have to teach him how you want to be fucked.
As for the face-sitting, I was pleased he was even trying oral since he usually doesn't, so I didn't really think about correcting him in the moment. It just happened to not work very well, and the real problems were later.
telyni at gmail
What you're doing isn't getting you what you want, so it's time to do something different.
Think about what you want in bed. Have some fantasies, read some erotica if it interests you.
telyni at gmail
From your very first posts it was pretty clear that he is a lazy lover, but there was plenty for you to work on. You have done so, by leaps and bounds.
I agree, you need to set up a call with Athol or @Serenity to create a plan for getting things moving in the next 30 days, versus getting more and more angry and wasting 6 months.
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
It's a Catch-22. You want sex more than he does, so you simply have no leverage. If you turn him down, he rolls over and goes to sleep, and you lie there frustrated and wanting. Or you have sex with him, and it's crappy, and you lie there frustrated and wanting.
You're not going to fix this without fixing the T. Optimizing his testosterone isn't going to fix all his problems, because he's still going to have to lose his Nice Guy, and actually learn how to turn you on, but it's the platform you need to start with.
My guess is that you do currently have the leverage to get him to address the low T, but you're avoiding conflict by not using that leverage.
You can wait another 4-5 months, but it's not going to change anything. You've just got to decide if you have the patience to put up with a crappy sex life for another half a year.
The Secret to Why Your Wife Doesn't Initiate; Top Two Reasons Your Husband Doesn't Want Sex; Dominance-It's Not a Bad Word; Top 10 Ways to Increase Testosterone Naturally
I am considering a call for help to determine where my leverage is and how best to apply it to avoid exploding the relationship. We both do have a history of avoiding conflict, him because he's a Nine and me because my parents argued and eventually divorced. I know it's something to work on.
telyni at gmail