Weekly Update Weight: 259 (gained 2 lbs) Body Fat: 23.2% (lost .2%) *I'm hoping I gained muscle since my body fat went down even though my weight went up.
I did a lot of reading. I read a lot from different "red pill" sites. I'm going to go back and reread the MMSL book. I've done a better job of being more alpha. She actually asked me one day this week if I was taking testosterone or something, so I guess she's noticed.
Weight loss: Last Week's Goal: Eliminate sweats from my diet Result: I didn't do a good job of this.
Fitness: Last Week's Goal: Do 5x5 workout 3 times this week Result: I got my 3 workouts in and was able to up the weight each time in every exercise.
Dress: Last Week's Goal: Wear clean clothes every day and night (this sounds silly, but I'll sometimes wear the same jeans 2 days in a row and the same shorts and t-shirt to sleep in several days in a row, which is sloppy and kind of gross) Result: I did a better job of this. I also ordered a nice new shirt. I'm going to try to add a new item to the wardrobe every other week.
House: Last Week's Goal: Pull the weeds in the front landscape & put Scott's WinterGuard on lawn Result: Didn't get this done but I did get some other important house work done.
This week's goals
Weight loss: Track everything in MyFitnessPal and be under my calorie goal 6 out of 7 days
Fitness: Add "sprints" on my lifting days; do 30 minutes on the elliptical on my off days
Dress: Continue to read sites like EffortlessGent and Dappered to get a better understanding of good style
House: Pull the weeds in the front landscape & put Scott's WinterGuard on lawn
I posted about this a year or more ago but I need advice on the best way to respond. When my wife accepts my initiations she makes no attempts to hide the fact that she doesn't want to be having sex with me and she's only doing it because she feels she has to. She complains every time that I'm trying to make it last too long (even if I try to make it fast and we're done in less than 5 minutes). She gets mad if I touch her anywhere, to the point that she's gotten up and got dressed and left the room before. She gets mad if I want any position besides missionary or doggy style. Again, to the point where she'll say something like "I agreed to do this, why do you always want to do some position you know I don't want. I told you if we do it you have to be on top." As soon as we're done she always gets up immediately, gets dressed and goes back into the kitchen or living room to get something to eat or resume watching a show.
It's just not enjoyable to me. I get rejected probably 49 out of every 50 times and that 1 time she reluctantly agrees it's with so many rules and restrictions, and such a lack of willingness on her part, that it leaves me feeling worse than if we never had sex to begin with. It's the reason on several occasions I've gone months without initiating and one of the reasons I recently posted here that I was done with the relationship.
I'm giving this one last go and really focusing hard on my MAP. As part of that, what is the best way to react to her when we have heavily restricted duty sex? She tells me I'm disgusting or there's something wrong with me if I try to talk dirty or if I suggest anything beyond missionary or doggy style. She even acts disgusted if I call sex anything other than "having a do it" or if I refer to our genitals as anything other than "my thing" or "your thing." If it was always like this I would assume there was some underlying reason, but it wasn't like this when we were dating or early in our marriage. Sex was never frequent or great, but it wasn't with the restrictions or with the level of disgust she has now. I know she's not attracted to me, but she could at least fake it or just try to enjoy it a little. She doesn't have to make it so obvious, as if to say, "can't you see I would rather be doing anything else in the world right now? Isn't it obvious that I'm hating every second of this? Why are you still insisting on doing this to me?"
Next time this happens I'm tempted to just get up, get dressed and tell her when she wants to be fucked like an adult let me know, and then leave the room and stop all initiations until she initiates (which very well could be never). This seems like the opposite of being OI though. What would you all do in this situation?
ETA: This may have been a better question on my Triage thread but since it has to do with maintaining frame, DHV, etc I posted it here.
isn't there a section in the primer about how to handle 'hating you with her vagina' ? you describe it in a way that makes it seem way worse than duty sex.
yeah, ending the session and telling her that her behaviour is extremely unattractive should be on the table
i am thinking that her behavior in this regard needs to be addressed in a statement of expectations
all the other stuff applies about 1) getting coaching and following Athol's prescriptions especially on managing/eliminating her disrespect, 2) developing stellar OI around sex (bedroom comes last), 3) balancing leadership and comfort (i.e. don't give her more comfort than she deserves - if she is more like donkey, don't give her fiona treatment), 4) build attraction / MAP in case 'stay' becomes 'go' - you, like me, have a LOT of weight left to lose before we can be considered 'our best'
build attraction / MAP in case 'stay' becomes 'go' - you, like me, have a LOT of weight left to lose before we can be considered 'our best'
This makes me think I should just keep focusing on my MAP and try to enjoy the sex, no matter how unfulfilling, with the expectation that it will get better as time goes on. Just accept that fact that sex is going to continue to suck for at least a year and keep MAPing hard. Would you all do that, or speak up about it now?
Maybe once as you are getting started and she indicates she doesn't want to be there, end the session and tell her "No worries, we'll find another time when you can be into it." Keep OI and pleasant, go do something else. If she decides to continue the conversation ("You know it's always only going to be for you and I'll never be into this...") then keep it brief and say, "That isn't an acceptable attitude about sex in a healthy marriage. We'll have to work on that. You've given me a lot to think about. I'm going to go <do something awesome>." Stay pleasant and matter-of-fact, and don't get sucked into a long conversation about how you need her to want you to feel loved, etc.--avoiding showing that kind of weakness is the exact point of all the advice here about STFU.
Difficult to do, but she needs to understand that she isn't doing you some tremendous favor by being with you.
I was just paging @fredless bc he generally has excellent advice about sexual interactions from his MAP experience - I don't know that he has a specific thread on it.
@Tennee She's never orgasmed from PIV with me or any other partners she's ever had, but I have no trouble making her orgasm from oral. I've been able to bring previous partners to orgasm from PIV so I don't think it's a performance issue. She used to let me give her oral just about any time but now she gets mad if I bring it up. She used to seem like she was enjoying sex at least some of the time. Now it's always, "I'm hating every second of this."
She used to let me give her oral just about any time but now she gets mad if I bring it up. She used to seem like she was enjoying sex at least some of the time. Now it's always, "I'm hating every second of this."
Ok, so clearly you need to MAP your ass off, as you noted above. Proceed like your life depends on it. Because it does.
The second part of your question is complicated to me. 'Hate' is a powerful word. If she makes it that...words fail me....if its that obvious that she hates it....that's not good.
You're going to have to call this on the field, we can't see it. If she's just 'ho-hum' or even 'Gah, get it over with will ya', that's not 'vaginal hating' to me. If it far exceeds this...
Let me ask you this: How do you YOU feel after sex? Immediately, the next day, etc.
"Fall down seven times, stand up eight" Japanese Proverb
@twodogs I really feel for you but it's got to be frustrating to sense that your wife is so not into it.
I have a suggestion for you regarding your diet. It's difficult to do a negative. So "stop eating sweet" is difficult. Try the app my fitness pal. It's a great app. You track all the food that you eat and keep you on course. I had plateaued after losing about 30 pounds. Using this app help me get another four off.
Let me ask you this: How do you YOU feel after sex? Immediately, the next day, etc.
Honestly, I feel bad after sex. Sometimes I'll try to get her to lay with me when we're done and every time she says "I need to _______" and gives me some excuse and gets up and leaves. It's just confirmation that she really didn't want to be there to begin with. Dozens of times after sex I've told myself I'm never initiating again, and sometimes I get mad at myself when I cave in and do.
@ToBeTonyStark Great call on MyFitnessPal. I love the app and just started using it again this week. Under my calorie goal everyday so far! It's crazy to realize how quickly calories add up with a little snack here and there throughout the day.
I've only read this thread of yours. But from what you describe, your wife is not attracted to you and she doesn't respect you. It seems you are early in your Map and you are going to have to Map like a motherfucker.
When your wife is acting disgusted or only giving you blow-up doll sex, you can't accept that. I would instead stop and say, "I don't think you could be less attractive than you are right now." Get dressed and go find something to do.
I also think a one-hour coaching call with Athol could be helpful.
Comments
Weight: 259 (gained 2 lbs)
Body Fat: 23.2% (lost .2%)
*I'm hoping I gained muscle since my body fat went down even though my weight went up.
I did a lot of reading. I read a lot from different "red pill" sites. I'm going to go back and reread the MMSL book. I've done a better job of being more alpha. She actually asked me one day this week if I was taking testosterone or something, so I guess she's noticed.
Weight loss:
Last Week's Goal: Eliminate sweats from my diet
Result: I didn't do a good job of this.
Fitness:
Last Week's Goal: Do 5x5 workout 3 times this week
Result: I got my 3 workouts in and was able to up the weight each time in every exercise.
Dress:
Last Week's Goal: Wear clean clothes every day and night (this sounds silly, but I'll sometimes wear the same jeans 2 days in a row and the same shorts and t-shirt to sleep in several days in a row, which is sloppy and kind of gross)
Result: I did a better job of this. I also ordered a nice new shirt. I'm going to try to add a new item to the wardrobe every other week.
House:
Last Week's Goal: Pull the weeds in the front landscape & put Scott's WinterGuard on lawn
Result: Didn't get this done but I did get some other important house work done.
This week's goals
Weight loss: Track everything in MyFitnessPal and be under my calorie goal 6 out of 7 days
Fitness: Add "sprints" on my lifting days; do 30 minutes on the elliptical on my off days
Dress: Continue to read sites like EffortlessGent and Dappered to get a better understanding of good style
House: Pull the weeds in the front landscape & put Scott's WinterGuard on lawn
It's just not enjoyable to me. I get rejected probably 49 out of every 50 times and that 1 time she reluctantly agrees it's with so many rules and restrictions, and such a lack of willingness on her part, that it leaves me feeling worse than if we never had sex to begin with. It's the reason on several occasions I've gone months without initiating and one of the reasons I recently posted here that I was done with the relationship.
I'm giving this one last go and really focusing hard on my MAP. As part of that, what is the best way to react to her when we have heavily restricted duty sex? She tells me I'm disgusting or there's something wrong with me if I try to talk dirty or if I suggest anything beyond missionary or doggy style. She even acts disgusted if I call sex anything other than "having a do it" or if I refer to our genitals as anything other than "my thing" or "your thing." If it was always like this I would assume there was some underlying reason, but it wasn't like this when we were dating or early in our marriage. Sex was never frequent or great, but it wasn't with the restrictions or with the level of disgust she has now. I know she's not attracted to me, but she could at least fake it or just try to enjoy it a little. She doesn't have to make it so obvious, as if to say, "can't you see I would rather be doing anything else in the world right now? Isn't it obvious that I'm hating every second of this? Why are you still insisting on doing this to me?"
Next time this happens I'm tempted to just get up, get dressed and tell her when she wants to be fucked like an adult let me know, and then leave the room and stop all initiations until she initiates (which very well could be never). This seems like the opposite of being OI though. What would you all do in this situation?
ETA: This may have been a better question on my Triage thread but since it has to do with maintaining frame, DHV, etc I posted it here.
you describe it in a way that makes it seem way worse than duty sex.
yeah, ending the session and telling her that her behaviour is extremely unattractive should be on the table
i am thinking that her behavior in this regard needs to be addressed in a statement of expectations
all the other stuff applies about 1) getting coaching and following Athol's prescriptions especially on managing/eliminating her disrespect, 2) developing stellar OI around sex (bedroom comes last), 3) balancing leadership and comfort (i.e. don't give her more comfort than she deserves - if she is more like donkey, don't give her fiona treatment), 4) build attraction / MAP in case 'stay' becomes 'go' - you, like me, have a LOT of weight left to lose before we can be considered 'our best'
============================
Fuck Culture. Live your life - Beatrice
Difficult to do, but she needs to understand that she isn't doing you some tremendous favor by being with you.
Also, check out @tennee 's thread here:
http://marriedmansexlife.vanillacommunities.com/discussion/11947/on-parlaying-duty-sex/p1
Might have something useful.
How will you live well today?
The second part of your question is complicated to me. 'Hate' is a powerful word. If she makes it that...words fail me....if its that obvious that she hates it....that's not good.
You're going to have to call this on the field, we can't see it. If she's just 'ho-hum' or even 'Gah, get it over with will ya', that's not 'vaginal hating' to me. If it far exceeds this...
Let me ask you this: How do you YOU feel after sex? Immediately, the next day, etc.
How will you live well today?
I have a suggestion for you regarding your diet. It's difficult to do a negative. So "stop eating sweet" is difficult. Try the app my fitness pal. It's a great app. You track all the food that you eat and keep you on course. I had plateaued after losing about 30 pounds. Using this app help me get another four off.
Honestly, I feel bad after sex. Sometimes I'll try to get her to lay with me when we're done and every time she says "I need to _______" and gives me some excuse and gets up and leaves. It's just confirmation that she really didn't want to be there to begin with. Dozens of times after sex I've told myself I'm never initiating again, and sometimes I get mad at myself when I cave in and do.
When your wife is acting disgusted or only giving you blow-up doll sex, you can't accept that. I would instead stop and say, "I don't think you could be less attractive than you are right now." Get dressed and go find something to do.
I also think a one-hour coaching call with Athol could be helpful.