twodogs MAP

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  • twodogstwodogs USASilver Member Posts: 359
    edited October 2015
    Weekly Update
    Weight:  259 (gained 2 lbs)
    Body Fat:  23.2% (lost .2%)
        *I'm hoping I gained muscle since my body fat went down even though my weight went up.

    I did a lot of reading.  I read a lot from different "red pill" sites.  I'm going to go back and reread the MMSL book.  I've done a better job of being more alpha.  She actually asked me one day this week if I was taking testosterone or something, so I guess she's noticed.  

    Weight loss:  
        Last Week's Goal:  Eliminate sweats from my diet
        Result:  I didn't do a good job of this.

    Fitness:  
        Last Week's Goal:  Do 5x5 workout 3 times this week
        Result:  I got my 3 workouts in and was able to up the weight each time in every exercise.

    Dress:  
        Last Week's Goal:  Wear clean clothes every day and night (this sounds silly, but I'll sometimes wear the same jeans 2 days in a row and the same shorts and t-shirt to sleep in several days in a row, which is sloppy and kind of gross)
        Result:  I did a better job of this.  I also ordered a nice new shirt.  I'm going to try to add a new item to the wardrobe every other week.

    House:  
        Last Week's Goal:  Pull the weeds in the front landscape & put Scott's WinterGuard on lawn
        Result:  Didn't get this done but I did get some other important house work done.


    This week's goals

    Weight loss:  Track everything in MyFitnessPal and be under my calorie goal 6 out of 7 days

    Fitness:  Add "sprints" on my lifting days; do 30 minutes on the elliptical on my off days

    Dress:  Continue to read sites like EffortlessGent and Dappered to get a better understanding of good style

    House:  Pull the weeds in the front landscape & put Scott's WinterGuard on lawn
    amblrgirlTennee
  • JellyBeanJellyBean Sunny SoCalGold Women Posts: 5,054
    What "red pill" sites do you frequent? Reading that stuff may not be in line with your goals. 
    Enneagram type 9w1
    Katt318JimmyNow
  • twodogstwodogs USASilver Member Posts: 359
    @JellyBean I've been reading the RationalMale - Year One posts
  • twodogstwodogs USASilver Member Posts: 359
    edited October 2015
    I posted about this a year or more ago but I need advice on the best way to respond.  When my wife accepts my initiations she makes no attempts to hide the fact that she doesn't want to be having sex with me and she's only doing it because she feels she has to.  She complains every time that I'm trying to make it last too long (even if I try to make it fast and we're done in less than 5 minutes).  She gets mad if I touch her anywhere, to the point that she's gotten up and got dressed and left the room before.  She gets mad if I want any position besides missionary or doggy style.  Again, to the point where she'll say something like "I agreed to do this, why do you always want to do some position you know I don't want.  I told you if we do it you have to be on top."  As soon as we're done she always gets up immediately, gets dressed and goes back into the kitchen or living room to get something to eat or resume watching a show.

    It's just not enjoyable to me.  I get rejected probably 49 out of every 50 times and that 1 time she reluctantly agrees it's with so many rules and restrictions, and such a lack of willingness on her part, that it leaves me feeling worse than if we never had sex to begin with.  It's the reason on several occasions I've gone months without initiating and one of the reasons I recently posted here that I was done with the relationship.  

    I'm giving this one last go and really focusing hard on my MAP.  As part of that, what is the best way to react to her when we have heavily restricted duty sex?  She tells me I'm disgusting or there's something wrong with me if I try to talk dirty or if I suggest anything beyond missionary or doggy style.  She even acts disgusted if I call sex anything other than "having a do it" or if I refer to our genitals as anything other than "my thing" or "your thing."  If it was always like this I would assume there was some underlying reason, but it wasn't like this when we were dating or early in our marriage.  Sex was never frequent or great, but it wasn't with the restrictions or with the level of disgust she has now.  I know she's not attracted to me, but she could at least fake it or just try to enjoy it a little.  She doesn't have to make it so obvious, as if to say, "can't you see I would rather be doing anything else in the world right now?  Isn't it obvious that I'm hating every second of this?  Why are you still insisting on doing this to me?"  

    Next time this happens I'm tempted to just get up, get dressed and tell her when she wants to be fucked like an adult let me know, and then leave the room and stop all initiations until she initiates (which very well could be never).  This seems like the opposite of being OI though.  What would you all do in this situation?

    ETA:  This may have been a better question on my Triage thread but since it has to do with maintaining frame, DHV, etc I posted it here.
  • SignorePillolaRossaSignorePillolaRossa mid atlantic usaSilver Member Posts: 4,079
    edited October 2015
    isn't there a section in the primer about how to handle 'hating you with her vagina' ?
    you describe it in a way that makes it seem way worse than duty sex.

    yeah, ending the session and telling her that her behaviour is extremely unattractive should be on the table

    i am thinking that her behavior in this regard needs to be addressed in a statement of expectations

    all the other stuff applies about 1) getting coaching and following Athol's prescriptions especially on managing/eliminating her disrespect, 2) developing stellar OI around sex (bedroom comes last), 3) balancing leadership and comfort (i.e. don't give her more comfort than she deserves - if she is more like donkey, don't give her fiona treatment), 4) build attraction / MAP in case 'stay' becomes 'go' - you, like me, have a LOT of weight left to lose before we can be  considered 'our best'
    Sr. PR

    ============================
    sapere aude

    Fuck Culture. Live your life - Beatrice
    ============================
    twodogsRPG46CartB4Horse
  • twodogstwodogs USASilver Member Posts: 359
    edited October 2015

    build attraction / MAP in case 'stay' becomes 'go' - you, like me, have a LOT of weight left to lose before we can be  considered 'our best'
    This makes me think I should just keep focusing on my MAP and try to enjoy the sex, no matter how unfulfilling, with the expectation that it will get better as time goes on.  Just accept that fact that sex is going to continue to suck for at least a year and keep MAPing hard.  Would you all do that, or speak up about it now?
  • redheaded_womanredheaded_woman USASilver Member Posts: 4,739
    I think @fredless has posted advice about the worse-than-duty-sex sex.
    "Fuck yesterday, make tomorrow awesome." - Tennee
  • twodogstwodogs USASilver Member Posts: 359
    Thanks, I'll check out his post.
  • twodogstwodogs USASilver Member Posts: 359
    I think @fredless has posted advice about the worse-than-duty-sex sex.
    I couldn't find his post.  If anyone knows where it is would you post a link to it?  Thanks!
  • redheaded_womanredheaded_woman USASilver Member Posts: 4,739
    I was just paging @fredless bc he generally has excellent advice about sexual interactions from his MAP experience - I don't know that he has a specific thread on it.

    Also, check out @tennee 's thread here:

    http://marriedmansexlife.vanillacommunities.com/discussion/11947/on-parlaying-duty-sex/p1

    Might have something useful.
    "Fuck yesterday, make tomorrow awesome." - Tennee
    CartB4Horse
  • TenneeTennee Next Stop: AwesomevilleSilver Member Posts: 5,963
    Does she ever become responsive during sex?  Does she orgasm?  Is it always "I'm hating every second of this" or can it become more on occasion?
    "Fall down seven times, stand up eight"  Japanese Proverb

    How will you live well today?
  • twodogstwodogs USASilver Member Posts: 359
    @Tennee She's never orgasmed from PIV with me or any other partners she's ever had, but I have no trouble making her orgasm from oral.  I've been able to bring previous partners to orgasm from PIV so I don't think it's a performance issue.  She used to let me give her oral just about any time but now she gets mad if I bring it up.  She used to seem like she was enjoying sex at least some of the time.  Now it's always, "I'm hating every second of this."
    TenneeCartB4Horse
  • TenneeTennee Next Stop: AwesomevilleSilver Member Posts: 5,963
    edited October 2015
    twodogs said:
      She used to let me give her oral just about any time but now she gets mad if I bring it up.  She used to seem like she was enjoying sex at least some of the time.  Now it's always, "I'm hating every second of this."
    Ok, so clearly you need to MAP your ass off, as you noted above.  Proceed like your life depends on it.  Because it does.

    The second part of your question is complicated to me.  'Hate' is a powerful word.  If she makes it that...words fail me....if its that obvious that she hates it....that's not good.

    You're going to have to call this on the field, we can't see it.  If she's just 'ho-hum' or even 'Gah, get it over with will ya', that's not 'vaginal hating' to me.  If it far exceeds this...

    Let me ask you this:  How do you YOU feel after sex?  Immediately, the next day, etc.
    "Fall down seven times, stand up eight"  Japanese Proverb

    How will you live well today?
    twodogsRPG46
  • ToBeTonyStarkToBeTonyStark OhioSilver Member Posts: 316
    @twodogs  I really feel for you but it's got to be frustrating to sense that your wife is so not into it. 

     I have a suggestion for you regarding your diet. It's difficult to do a negative. So "stop eating sweet" is difficult. Try the app my fitness pal. It's a great app. You track all the food that you eat and keep you on course.  I had plateaued after losing about 30 pounds. Using this app help me get another four off.
    twodogsKickboxerRPG46
  • twodogstwodogs USASilver Member Posts: 359
    edited October 2015
    Tennee said:

    Ok, so clearly you need to MAP your ass off, as you noted above.  Proceed like your life depends on it.  Because it does.
    Agreed!  I'm working hard on it now.  In for the long haul regardless of whether things improve in our relationship or not.

    Tennee said:

    Let me ask you this:  How do you YOU feel after sex?  Immediately, the next day, etc.
    Honestly, I feel bad after sex.  Sometimes I'll try to get her to lay with me when we're done and every time she says "I need to _______" and gives me some excuse and gets up and leaves.  It's just confirmation that she really didn't want to be there to begin with.  Dozens of times after sex I've told myself I'm never initiating again, and sometimes I get mad at myself when I cave in and do.
    AngelineHowlAtTheMoonTenneeEightbit
  • twodogstwodogs USASilver Member Posts: 359
    @ToBeTonyStark Great call on MyFitnessPal.  I love the app and just started using it again this week.  Under my calorie goal everyday so far!  It's crazy to realize how quickly calories add up with a little snack here and there throughout the day.
  • twodogstwodogs USASilver Member Posts: 359
    @fredless thanks for the great advice, I agree with everything you said.  I'll try that line next time I'm getting blow-up doll sex
    cyclone
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