Where (and when) should I start?

MiddleMan

I acknowledge that it's too early to be posting here. But part of my need to know that I'm going to be OK involves thinking of being on the market again. I know that I have a lot going for me. I know that I'm a "catch." I know that I'm still married, for a finite amount of time at least.

Maybe this is just a brain dump. Maybe this is just a placeholder for later. Part of my mental energy is devoted to how my life will look as a suburban single father. Maybe when this divorce is done I'll start anew as someone other than "MiddleMan", since I'm not stuck in the middle any more. 

little_bee

When I (finally) divorced I discovered my kids and their schedules had an enormous affect on how I both viewed and actively lived my life while they were still at home.

The only rational sounding advice I can give is be prepared for the unexpected as your child and her current and future needs are the great unknown of your situation. 

fredless

I want to word this carefully so it comes across correctly.

In some ways, I envy you.  To be clear, I do NOT envy your wife's behavior, the feelings you are now dealing with, and the break-up of your family.  As you know, I have some experience with dealing with an affair. 

However, once your divorce is final, your co-parenting schedule is stabilized, and you are set in your new home, you will be moving into a very interesting and potentially quite enjoyable/exciting phase of life--particularly given the knowledge of relationships you now have.

I am still with my wife--and in some ways, that is wonderful.  But I'm also having to deal with/work through dark thoughts/painful emotions on literally a daily basis.  There are times these get so bad that I wish I had divorced her or that she had left to pursue her fantasy.  It is really hard.  There are times when I feel like I'm having to 'fake it until I make it.'  And that's a shitty place to be 20+ years into my marriage.  Maybe I need to start my own thread.

In any event, you will be okay.  You will be much better than okay. 

The_Dude

I'm counting on you to live out my fantasy of walking away from it all and having the pick of the litter of dozens of willing and able women fawning over me (oiled and naked, at the same time).  @Cowboy's been letting me down in that area so far.  
A man can dream right?

And I still think you need the jag.
http://marriedmansexlife.vanillacommunities.com/discussion/comment/401698/#Comment_401698

MiddleMan

I was thinking Tesla. The Model 3 comes out around the time my lease on my current (heh) Volt is up. 

That was my pre-calamity plan, anyway. 

HildaCorners

You'll do well.

(Relatively) young, in shape, well off, MMSL awesome, and with preselection. [After about 35, a man who has been married and can prove he's not pond scum is better than a man with no LTRs.]

Just take the first few months slow ... watch out for rebound effects.

Athol_Kay

Athol: Take it slow, don't do the thing

Every newly divorced person: Okay I won't do the thing.

Every newly divorced person: I'M DOING THE THING

Athol: /facepalm

Every newly divorced person: OMG the behaved exactly like the thing behaves. FML.

Athol: /checks with @Serenity to see who won the pool on the come-to-jesus-moment.

MiddleMan

I know I'm probably missing something obvious here. But what, in this context, is "the thing"?

@Athol_Kay

Athol_Kay

MiddleMan said:

I know I'm probably missing something obvious here. But what, in this context, is "the thing"?

@Athol_Kay

Immediately jumping into dating.

MiddleMan

Okay, I won't do the thing. 

codename_duchess

@Athol_Kay - dating = going out, meeting lots of women, enjoying yourself, maybe some casual fun or dating = going out looking for the one true love?
If I end up single, I know that I won't be ready for a relationship, but I do intend to go out and enjoy myself - are you recommending against that?

Athol_Kay

codename_duchess said:

@Athol_Kay - dating = going out, meeting lots of women, enjoying yourself, maybe some casual fun or dating = going out looking for the one true love?
If I end up single, I know that I won't be ready for a relationship, but I do intend to go out and enjoy myself - are you recommending against that?

I warn against jumping into a relationship.

You'd be surprised how often a "casual" thing suddenly morphs into the new hot and heavy relationship though. Then a few months later as the dopamine fog of new relationship lifts a little, all the red flags suddenly stop being invisible.

Jek

I am on year 5 of slow.

It may be just me, but 12 years in prison, do I want to risk going back?!

HildaCorners

Athol_Kay said:

codename_duchess said:

Athol_Kay - dating = going out, meeting lots of women, enjoying yourself, maybe some casual fun or dating = going out looking for the one true love?
If I end up single, I know that I won't be ready for a relationship, but I do intend to go out and enjoy myself - are you recommending against that?

I warn against jumping into a relationship.

You'd be surprised how often a "casual" thing suddenly morphs into the new hot and heavy relationship though. Then a few months later as the dopamine fog of new relationship lifts a little, all the red flags suddenly stop being invisible.

If you are "meeting lots of women", approximately 92% of them are looking for a relationship — and if you're looking at women over 30, that number jumps really high.

@jek, please don't remind me that I'm at 5 years as well.

SaigoTakamori

HildaCorners said:

Athol_Kay said:

codename_duchess said:

Athol_Kay - dating = going out, meeting lots of women, enjoying yourself, maybe some casual fun or dating = going out looking for the one true love?
If I end up single, I know that I won't be ready for a relationship, but I do intend to go out and enjoy myself - are you recommending against that?

I warn against jumping into a relationship.

You'd be surprised how often a "casual" thing suddenly morphs into the new hot and heavy relationship though. Then a few months later as the dopamine fog of new relationship lifts a little, all the red flags suddenly stop being invisible.

If you are "meeting lots of women", approximately 92% of them are looking for a relationship — and if you're looking at women over 30, that number jumps really high.

@jek, please don't remind me that I'm at 5 years as well.

"Hilda..Jek.     Jek...Hilda"

Ba. Bam!!

Gosh dang, 

HildaCorners

Kiche said:

HildaCorners said:

If you are "meeting lots of women", approximately 92% of them are looking for a relationship — and if you're looking at women over 30, that number jumps really high.

Do you have some sources to back those numbers up?

Absolutely ... not.

But of the single women I know in my age group (let's say 45-60), they either:

- want a LTR again (maybe not marriage, but some form of exclusive LTR)
- want nothing to do with men, ever again
- decide they prefer a relationship with a woman.

I don't know *any* women who want a "casual dating with sex" relationship with a man.

EANx

It's really easy to take some  time and think you have your head screwed on straight then fall head-over-heels with the first chick that really seems into you then rush straight into the next marriage. I had nine months between our agreement to separate and when I started dating and was engaged less than a year after that (that ended four years ago). Yes, you're going to want to be close with someone, yes you'll want sex but be fair to yourself and to the women you meet. You need to mentally figure out who you are as a single and who you want to be as part of a couple if you go that route again.

MiddleMan

I really don't think I'm ever getting married again. So this isn't as much of a present danger as it might be. 

never_again

I went on a few first dates then realized I wasn't ready and waited 18 months before getting back in.

I'm on year 5, too.  Some was lack of trying and some was not.  I think you're BS tolerance level will fall drastically and you'll be much less willing to settle for anything less than you deserve.

I've put the following on one of my dating profiles:

"I'm fully self-sufficient, requiring only 3 things of a partner - respect, affection and companionship.  So, a relationship is a simple equation - does the value she adds outweigh the challenges she presents?"

It may or may not account for my lack of success on that site, but I don't really care that much, since it's honest and describes my outlook perfectly.

Serenity

Maybe it's just because I was married to a low T guy, but if I were a single woman reading that, I would assume you were saying that you weren't interested in sex.

I wonder if that might be playing into your lack of success on that site.

never_again said:

"I'm fully self-sufficient, requiring only 3 things of a partner - respect, affection and companionship.  So, a relationship is a simple equation - does the value she adds outweigh the challenges she presents?"

It may or may not account for my lack of success on that site, but I don't really care that much, since it's honest and describes my outlook perfectly.

little_bee

HildaCorners said:

approximately 92% of them are looking for a relationship — and if you're looking at women over 30, that number jumps really high.

As a card carrying member of @HildaCorners age and stage of life demographic I agree.