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Where (and when) should I start?

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  • EANxEANx Local GroupSilver Member Posts: 509
    MiddleMan said:
    I really don't think I'm ever getting married again. So this isn't as much of a present danger as it might be. 
    Having a willing partner can make you reevaluate that, especially the first time you find someone who not just willingly but eagerly puts your dick in her mouth and gives you a BJTC. Dopamine is a powerful force.
    KattSignorePillolaRossa
  • NeverSleptOnTheCouchNeverSleptOnTheCouch Silver Member Posts: 432
    edited October 2015
    Having been there, where you are and beyond... Consider, upon being 110% parent when you have your girl with you, is offset by recharging yourself when she is with coparent. So you can do it again next week. How you do that, is still undefined and ambiguous right now. 
    Denying that recharge, robs you both of your best.

    Work, is not going away...therefore..

    Adding a third party that will likely pull energy from you, should be considered with high caution.

    I suggest, and it doesnt happen all at once, just go do awesome shit when you are just one . 
    Believe me, though not the prime motorvator, you will bump into cuties and they will think you are awesome too, because you are, its not a show. Have a beer afterward, chat with the man on your left, and the woman on your right. Detoxify.

    To actively look for someone, not required.
     
    You have some healing to do..Give yourself that gift, because no one else will.

    AngelineTennee[Deleted User]LadyOrTheTyger
  • BabyMakes5_dadBabyMakes5_dad USA Member Posts: 375
    edited November 2015
    MM - she brought beers for both?  I'm curious. Were you upstairs or down?  Side by side or across?  Did you brush your teeth before leaving work?  I hate talking to people on the train. How do you get away (obviously, I'm not talking to hot ladies) and the breath!!!  I don't want to kill anyone with my breath. 

    Have an awesome Thanksgiving!  Hopefully your D sees you both, but you don't have to hang w co-p. 
  • SlipangleSlipangle MichiganSilver Member Posts: 1,544
    Serenity said:
    Maybe it's just because I was married to a low T guy, but if I were a single woman reading that, I would assume you were saying that you weren't interested in sex.

    I wonder if that might be playing into your lack of success on that site.

    never_again said:

    "I'm fully self-sufficient, requiring only 3 things of a partner - respect, affection and companionship.  So, a relationship is a simple equation - does the value she adds outweigh the challenges she presents?"

    It may or may not account for my lack of success on that site, but I don't really care that much, since it's honest and describes my outlook perfectly.
    Well... the thing is,  expressing a desire for sex in a profile is a risky thing. Women in the dating market are necessarily on the defensive, going sexual can often raise shields and triggers flight impulses. Going sexual is better done in person.  You could step it up a little and say intimacy instead of affection. Some women may respond to something more overt. It's all a bit of a roll of the dice.

     

  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    ^ This may depend on age ... I think a man expressing a blatant "I want to get laid" in a profile is negative, but some mild sexual flirting is very good.

    In my age range, I think a lot of men have given up on their sex lives, either due to (fixable) medical issues or because so many women have given up, and they believe they can't find a sexual woman. Seeing a little sexual flirting in a profile tells me:

    - he is looking for a sexual relationship (so am I)
    - he believes a good sex life is possible at 55+ (I agree)
    - he's smart enough to write sexual innuendo (Smart is my #1 attraction brand)
    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
  • SlipangleSlipangle MichiganSilver Member Posts: 1,544
    Let me give a little different perspective. I am a little over 2 years after my divorce and engaged. I have 2 children. I am not necessarily advocating my approach even though I am happy with the outcome. 

    I threw myself in and did the thing. I did so knowing that there are risks to put it one way, maybe another would be to say knowing there are inevitable pitfalls. 

    I think most who followed my story on here know some of my biggest mistakes, but I don't regret them even as I don't recommend them. Certainly a part of the reason I  share my story is in hopes that others on a similar path learn without experiencing the mistakes. 

    Part of why I willingly threw myself in to make mistakes was that I felt sheltered as a child and I felt that held b me back,  especially socially, and I kind of swung the opposite way to make up for lost time. 

    But I also had a purpose. I knew dating was a  step in progression towards getting into a relationship, and I wanted to end up in a good marriage. Knowing my ex was who she is and she hadn't really changed,  that she came from a divorce, and I don't want the cycle to continue with my kids - if modeling a good relationship matters to my children's ability to form good relationships and avoid bad ones,  that's something I feel is my duty to my children as a father.  It's a statement I make with more than just the face value meaning. It's just as important, maybe more, that I not model for my children another bad relationship.

     Here's the bottom line I think. Taking it slow is one thing, but it's okay to have goals even if getting remarried eventually is a goal. In that case you have to take in what you need to be able to have everything about you ready, and being able to date without feeling obligations to progress to relationship is a step on the way to there. Not necessarily the first step either. 

    I also should point out my divorce was filed a year after finding mmsl, a year after an EA with kissing and no clear proof of anything else. During that year I had been mapping knowing the self improvement was a step towards being ready for a better marriage which may have been with either the woman I was with or one I'd meet in the future. 


     

  • MiddleManMiddleMan Chicago BurbsSilver Member Posts: 1,898
    So, here's what I want to know: 

    What are the criteria that determine when I'm "ready" to be in a Relationship (with a capital "R" for gravitas) again?

    Seems to be the conventional wisdom that I shouldn't jump back into something serious right away. And I don't disagree with that. I think the conventional wisdom is based on the fact that when a marriage ends, both parties would do well to examine their own roles in why it ended so that they can learn from them and work on them.

    As you all know, I've done a whole lot of self-analysis and self-reflection over the past couple years. At the end of the day, I think the simplest explanation is that I came from a scarcity mindset and, as a result, settled for a "meh" sex life with an otherwise decent person. But that person didn't want to work on herself and was complacent, which didn't mesh with my drive to improve. So she ultimately didn't feel enough relationship comfort (ironically) and didn't protect her boundaries with another man.

    So I've been going out on a lot of dates. I'm limited only by time and schedule. I've had some pretty good sex with three different women since my separation and divorce. I know I can form a relationship with a woman who meets all my criteria, if and when I find her. And I'm honestly at a place where I'm consciously trying to stop women from getting too attached to me. 

    I don't like how that feels. To be clear, I'm always upfront about not wanting a serious relationship. But it still feels like I need to protect the women I'm seeing from getting attached to me. 

    To what end? 

    If I do meet someone who I click with, and has awesome sex with me, and is a good, smart, funny, kind woman I can count on, why wouldn't I start a Relationship with her? Is this whole "too soon" thing arbitrary or is there something important I'm missing?

    I'm especially interested in hearing what @Athol_Kay has to say about this. Because I'm Doing the Thing. And I don't think I entirely like how it feels to Do the Thing this way. 
    Guitarslinger
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