Samson Introduction

samson

Hello, my introduction is below:

Question One - Basic Questions

I am 36 and she is 40.  We got married in 2009 and have been together for nearly 11 years.  We have one child together (9) and she has a child (16) from a previous relationship.

Realistically, we are 7's.  I am 5'10 and weigh 190 and she is 5'0 and weigh 126.

Question Two - Rule Out Medical

Me:
I have psoriasis in various patches on my body.  None of them cause a problem other than a recurring patch on my foreskin.  If I don't manage this, it can split and bleed quite easily.  I suffer from migraines occasionally.  I have had tests and they are inconclusive as to cause.  I am developing some mild arthritis in one of my hands.  I would estimate that I am 25lbs overweight for my build.  I probably classically carry all of this around my middle.

Her:
Inconclusive dietary problems, frequent dieter in the sense that eliminating and adding foods back has been part and parcel of trying to figure out bloating, tiredness and other issues.  Has suffered from depression (runs in the family).  Does not sleep well, tosses and turns all night.

Continued...

samson

Question Three - Rule Out Structural Attraction Issues

We have a fair amount of debt outside of the mortgage.  This doesn't stop us from eating out, taking holidays etc but it is a drain on our resources that could be better utilised elsewhere.

I carry all my extra weight around my middle.  Its putting pressure on my knee so running or any type of high impact exercise can leave me in pain for a while.

We are both employed full time.  I have recently completed a degree that will hopefully improve my promotion prospects.  She has moved jobs twice this year both times because the job has not helped her mental well being.  She cannot handle having nothing to do and this exacerbates any depression she is currently suffering from.

Question Four - Rule Out Critical Moments and Neglect

No cheating on either part.

We probably have a joint one.  I realised after the event that the university I was doing my degree for completely undersold the time commitment.  They had estimated 10-12 hours per week.  Realistically it took well over 20.

We went out for a meal to celebrate my finishing and she told me at the start of the meal that she had looked into divorce whilst I was completing this because she felt alone.  So on one part I did not realise the toll the time commitment had taken and on the other it was a real kick in the nuts to have worked so long for something to improve prospects be detrimental.

Continued...

samson

Question Five - Rule Out Outside Sexual Sources

On her part, I am confident as I can be that there are not any.

On my part I have been extremely heavily into porn and that has been a crutch for most of my life.

I know that I need to stop and I want accountability for myself first off to break this cycle.

Question Six - When did the Sex go Bad?

Its been on and off over the ten years.  The last couple have been really bad because of my study commitments literally draining all of my energy.  My stress levels have been sky high which have increased my psoriasis and this causes my skin to split and bleed.

Condoms are also a complete pain (literally) because of psoriasis and this is one of the main forms of birth control.

Question Seven - What Was the Sex Like at the Start of the Relationship?

Generally pretty good and frequent, some experimentation but we used couples porn as a way to get her going and also take us both away from real life.  The porn was mainly used for comedy value as laughing at bad story lines was part of the relaxation.

Continued...

samson

Question Eight - What's the Elephant in the Room?

My porn use starting from when I was a teenager and continued for most of my life.  I feel apart from losing the weight and getting into shape, this is my biggest demon to slay.

I drink maybe four times a year, don't do drugs.  I do play video games as my main hobby but some of this is with my son as part of my time together.

Question Nine - Who is the Leader in Your Marriage?

I think on balance, its probably her.  Most of the household spending decisions (unless they involve technology) are driven by her.  Major holiday decisions are made by her.

Its suited me because I am deeply introverted and generally people drain the energy out of me.  So, I have been standing in the background mostly and been easy going.

Question Ten - Tell Us About the Good Times

The birth of our son; getting married in a foreign country was a great highlight.  I think the main difference now is that I have become lazy.  I have not exercised properly for an age.  I know that I can get a six pack, not that is the be all and end all, but it is disappointing that I know that I can achieve this and don't.  Porn is an easy crutch.  Studying took a surprising amount of energy out of the relationship.

SignorePillolaRossa

welcome

i bet that now that you are done school, you can pour positive energy into your marriage given the time freed up from not having to study any more. - so do that

put serious attention to finding a better paying job that advances your career - often times, one's current employer does not reward a new degree but the 'next' employer will almost certainly have to (if its job related, of course)

i am your height and your current weight is my first 'stretch goal' weight (60 lbs to go) ... so i bet that it wont be hard for you at your age (much younger than i) to drop weight and add muscle/definition ... good luck

yeah man, cut porn and pour that energy into workouts and stoking RD with your wife - drive bys, flirting, texting, initiations, etc.

start taking on leadership opportunities ... make sure you know everything that needs to be known about kids' stuff, scheduling, options, opportunities, priorities, etc

regarding finances: work up a plan WITH her and agree on objectives and tactics to achieve them - review regularly to share a tangible sense of progress on debt elimination/budget discipline, etc

best of luck - feel free to ask questions - we'll help as best we can

samson

SignorePillolaRossa thanks.

I have to stay with my current employer for at least two years or pay the cost of study back.  That would be nearly £10k.

samson

SignorePillolaRossa thanks.

I have to stay with my current employer for at least two years or pay the cost of study back.  That would be nearly £10k.

SignorePillolaRossa

ah - makes sense .... well, perhaps you can try to move up there while you wait and prepare to move on in two years time if they havent moved you up ... also, some new employers will pay off your debt to your previous employer if they want you bad enough ... i 've seen folks get a signing bonus that more than covered any exit debt ... might be worth a look 

good luck

Reborn

We went out for a meal to celebrate my finishing and she told me at the start of the meal that she had looked into divorce whilst I was completing this because she felt alone. 

This sounds quite important. What was your reaction? How did the discussion of this issue go?

samson

Reborn said:

We went out for a meal to celebrate my finishing and she told me at the start of the meal that she had looked into divorce whilst I was completing this because she felt alone. 

This sounds quite important. What was your reaction? How did the discussion of this issue go?

I raised an eyebrow and had some variant of you've given me a lot to think about.  We continued the meal but the vibe had definitely been killed (we'd been quite relaxed before that).  She apologised after a couple of days; I hadn't brought the issue up.

I think her feelings on it were genuine but she apologised about the timing of bringing it up.

There wasn't really much I could do with the situation.  I could half ass the degree and/or potentially fail that would still require me to repay £10k.

fordsvt

Welcome to the Forum.  Great people here to help.  

Eightbit

Do you have a workout regimen in place or planned?  190 at 5'10"doesn't seem like 25# overweight unless you've got little muscle.  

CartB4Horse

Welcome aboard.  You might find some success fighting porn with a positive approach, making a positive choice instead of trying to avoid a negative.

Any easy stuff you can fix/knock off this week?