Winter's wondering...

Winter

Being happy with yourself vs the MAP

When I recently cut out a huge (self induced) stressor in my life I found myself feeling content. It's not my usual state of being. If anyone remembers my previous MAP thread you know that I want to 'have it all' and 'be everything'. 

And now over the past couple of weeks I'm finding myself actually enjoying my day-to-day life. Even the mundane boring things are calm and peaceful. 

It turns out that being a 'quitter' actually feels freeing. It's like I realize that I can quit and still be ok. Still be a good person. Still be happy?   

And this is where my internal struggle starts. I feel happy with myself. For the first time in a long time. I actually feel good about just being me.  But isn't the MAP about ongoing improvement? Striving to be more? To be better? 

So, I seem to have lost my focus and drive and I'm not sure where to go from here.  Do I need to try and be 'more' or is it ok to finally like myself where I'm at? 

redheaded_woman

First: yes, it's absolutely ok to like yourself where you are!

Re mapping: Improvement doesn't necessarily have to be "more".

It's about being the best version of yourself.  To me that's a spectrum. For some of us, there's a lot more work to do than others.

redheaded_woman

And, frankly, I don't think you "quit" or are a "quitter".

Quitters give up...they throw their hands in the air and flail about. 

You didn't do that.  

You made a full evaluation of the situation you were in, looked at the pros & cons of staying/ stopping, and then made a conscious decision to stop.

JellyBean

Part of the MAP process is prioritizing your life. Eliminating energy drains is an important aspect of this. 

Katt

Isn't being content and enjoying life *better* than arbitrary achievement that leaves you stressed and unhappy?   

I guess what I'm trying to say is that self-improvement takes many forms.    Improving your happiness and well-being IS self-improvement.   

As I get older, I mean more mature , I find my goals and dreams revolve more around eliminating stress and enjoying and experiencing life and less about external markers of success.

KnifesEdge

@Winter I wish I could find a part of my life to cut out and remove stress. Unfortunately, that part would be my job... and I'm not ready to retire at age 57. Working 70+ hr weeks drains me. I don't feel like exercise, don't have a libido, gain weight, and just long for a day off. Which comes about every two weeks. Of course, my level of devotion to what I do is part of my problem.

You have found a way to make your life better. Good for you, and I am very envious!

SignorePillolaRossa

yes, achieving contentment is a beautiful thing

so now you are in a phase of consolidation and rebalancing and simply enjoying the new happy normal

and you have the tools to identify and correct things that might crop up slowly over time as you live an introspective existence ... you may well find over time that you have energy to pursue something new that catches your fancy - you will be ready to explore it now that you are operating from a stable base

onward!

Winter

The thing I having trouble understanding is why now?  My life is essentially exactly the same as it was before my big endeavor. At that time I felt unfulfilled, antsy to be more, wanting a different life. Which is why I decided to take it on. 

But since that endeavor failed I guess I have a different outlook?  It feels odd to me. It goes against everything I've told myself to 'just be'. And while it's nice is many ways it also makes me feel uneasy. Like I'm missing something. Like I should be wanting 'more'. While in truth I long for a more simple life.

HowlAtTheMoon

Perhaps you didn't really want more, so much as FEEL you SHOULD want more. I've felt inadequate about my life/ecucation/career , then started on big endeavors, only to realize I was just using big endeavor for validation and it really didn't make me happy. I only really did it because I felt like I should to be more impressive to others. I've done this a lot over the years. Sound familiar?

Winter

generalzod said:

You're an Enneagram 7, right?

Yes

frillyfun

Some people need to add more to their lives when they MAP, but there are a heck of a lot of us that benefit more from subtracting ineffective/unnessary things.  

When you're creative, and spontaneous it's sometimes really difficult to keep up with all of the thoughts, and ideas you have.  It can be an exhausting (but fun) slog sometimes.

Most of my MAP has focused on paring down, and focusing on what's important.   I came to a conclusion that I'm pretty awesome, and don't really feel the need to impress all that many people most days.  It's so much more peaceful in my head.

I'm so glad you found peace, and contentment.  You kind of Konmari'd your life, and it sounds like that's working for you.

Cowboy

I am not familiar with your earlier MAP thread (can't find it, sorry), but would I be right in guessing you're a perfectionist?
I'm one, and it is very hard for me to ever admit defeat, or even that I let something bother me.
Being "better" doesn't mean "perfect," "good at everything," or even "successful in other people's eyes." It just means improving yourself, in all spheres of your life, as best you can. Honestly, if a MAP is, long term, making you miserable, you should scale it back. Even the best MAP in the world will not turn everyone into a 9 or 10, but it can bump you up from where you are. Being at peace with is certainly better for your actual long-term happiness than being miserable because you can't have it all.

forestleaf

Winter said:

The thing I having trouble understanding is why now?  My life is essentially exactly the same as it was before my big endeavor. At that time I felt unfulfilled, antsy to be more, wanting a different life. Which is why I decided to take it on. 

But since that endeavor failed I guess I have a different outlook?  It feels odd to me. It goes against everything I've told myself to 'just be'. And while it's nice is many ways it also makes me feel uneasy. Like I'm missing something. Like I should be wanting 'more'. While in truth I long for a more simple life.

First I would say that endeavor did not "fail.". You tried it and it was overwhelming.  You realized that and then made the best decision for you and your family.  You did not fail.  

Second, even though your life is the same now as it was before that endeavor, you have LEARNED something valuable about yourself.  This is a gift.  You're feeling content bc you're enjoying this newfound self-knowledge.

Winter

More joy and happiness today as the best husband ever just scored us the best concert tickets ever!!!

I can get used to this happiness thing. Now to hit the gym and clean the garage. 

Gotta come up up with a new MAP and some monkeys. 

mook_z

Winter said:

It turns out that being a 'quitter' actually feels freeing. It's like I realize that I can quit and still be ok. Still be a good person. Still be happy?   

I heard a phrase regarding hiring/firing people, when you're a manager: "Hire slowly and fire quickly."  I think it applies in a lot more places than management. Bring on new habits slowly and quit shitty ones quickly. This strategy will eliminate negative things from your life VERY quickly.  It's not always appropriate.

And this is where my internal struggle starts. I feel happy with myself. For the first time in a long time. I actually feel good about just being me.  But isn't the MAP about ongoing improvement? Striving to be more? To be better? 

So, I seem to have lost my focus and drive and I'm not sure where to go from here.  Do I need to try and be 'more' or is it ok to finally like myself where I'm at? 

I'm happy, but I'm not done. I'm good, but I can be great.

Winter

So I've been giving my MAP a lot of thought. At this point in time I know what needs to be done and I can make all kinds of 'to do' lists and check them off but that's not really going to change the core of who I am. 

So while I still need to keep checking off those boxes, what I really need to focus on is a mental MAP. With that in mind, I've come up with a set of principles to guide my thoughts and actions. By keeping these in the forefront of my mind I hope to approach life with a better more positive outlook:

Strength - not necessarily physical but strength to move forward, to overcome obstacles, to stick with the other principles, to fight off depression and anxiety, to have willpower to pass up chocolate (j/k - sort of!)

Kindness - in how I treat it others - most importantly my husband and children. And also treating myself with kindness. 

Peace - inner peace and calm, creating a peaceful environment for me and my family to live in, promote peace among my friends and colleagues. 

Gratitude - be thankful for all I have in the moment and never forget that my life is good. Stop to enjoy and acknowledge that goodness often 

Wellness - keep healthy both physically and mentally, be a living example of health and wellness for my kids 
 

Winter

I'll have to do a proper update soon. Overall things are good, but this season is proving to be difficult. I've disliked the holidays for a long time and this year isn't any different. On this Eve of Christmas Eve I'm feeling really low. My focus is to put on a happy face for the kids and get through to the new year.  I can totally do that.   

Then I can resume freaking out about my upcoming birthday in February which frankly makes me want to just crawl in a hole.

  

Tennee

Winter said:

I'll have to do a proper update soon. Overall things are good, but this season is proving to be difficult. I've disliked the holidays for a long time and this year isn't any different. On this Eve of Christmas Eve I'm feeling really low. My focus is to put on a happy face for the kids and get through to the new year.  I can totally do that.  

IIRC there were some abuse issues growing up - any of this associated with this time of year?  What from the past is gnawing at you that connects to the Holidays? 

Then I can resume freaking out about my upcoming birthday in February which frankly makes me want to just crawl in a hole.

Fuck that - revel in it.  I'm mid-40's, and I try to act like I'm 22 every chance I get.  Well, not exactly like 22 cause W would divorce me, but you get my drift.   I'm 'getting older' chronologically, and that's it.  I will not be listening to Mel Torme - ever.  I blast The Replacements and Husker Du at 11 in my car with the windows down.  I act like a kid on a sugar rush as much as I can get away with.  I'm serious when I need to be, like at work, but other than that - its play time.

Fuck being a grown up, it sucks.  So don't be one every chance you get. 

fredless

You either get older...or you don't.

frillyfun

For someone who doesn't love the holidays you rock at them...ours are happier because of some tricks I've learned from you.

Getting older really beats not getting older.

HildaCorners

I'm still 27 ... where it counts, in my character and spirit.