Winter's wondering...

forestleaf

About Gatlinburg, I'm totally heartbroken about it too.  I've been going at least once a year since I was literally two weeks old.  My mom had PPD and took me there to try and get out of it, and we've been going ever since.  We have a cabin booked there for Christmas; I've had it booked for months.  But, the owners have not been allowed to re-enter that area by the authorities because it's not safe yet, so they don't know if it's still standing.  Chances are not good, since it is located up the hill from the Aquarium, which I know was close to catching on fire.  So, we may not have anywhere to go this Christmas.    But, even if we're out the $1100, we've lost much less than many.  It's heartbreaking.  I chose to donate to the Sevier County Humane Society to help. 

forestleaf

And about IOI's, I have no doubt men are checking you out; you're beautiful!  TW agrees with the others that you're just not noticing.  Plus he agrees with @Tennee that you're hot.    But I totally understand how you feel!  I think men are really subtle like @fredless says.  Last night we went to a neighborhood Christmas get-together, and as we walked in, I noticed a couple of men looking at me but I didn't really know what to think of it.  I look at people too, no big deal.  But after we left, TW informed me that "almost all" of the men in the room checked me out.  I honestly don't have the self-esteem to even believe him (that's pitiful).  But it's nice to know that it's at least a possibility. 

Winter

Thanks all. I'm done with the wine pity party. Sorry about that. I'll take your word on it. I really don't see it happening, but I guess being oblivious is better than the alternative.


On a similar note, I used to always walk with my eyes to the floor and avoid looking at people, but I've been trying to keep my head up and smile at everyone. I'll have to work on that some more. 

Winter

Weekly update. 

Physicality & Health:  Got five workouts in and worked through the soreness. Goal is at least 20 minutes of something each day. But Fri-Sun was non-stop work or family stuff so no workouts.  Got back to the Chiro and that seems to be helping my neck and back. 

Money: updated the budget. Went over last month but that was somewhat to be expected. Christmas shopping is done now I just have to keep H from buying extras. He loves buying gifts for the kids (and is so good at it!). But it's important we stick to the plan.  

Displaying High Value:  Rocking out the work gig and the mom gig. My high school son's gal friends always tell me how great I look (and told him I was 'hot').  Took his group out before homecoming for a downtown photo shoot at their request. My high school daughter tells me all her friends love me and wish that I was their mom. 

Relationship Comfort:  'Tis the season for maintaince mode in this area. We're good though. 

Personality & Preferences:  Still not where I want to be with pursuing more social justice & equality activism. But chalking that up to my busy work season. It's important for me to get more involved after the new year and show my daughter that we're in this together. 

High Energy Sex:  Hit some
bumps after the first few times we had sex this week. We talked open and honestly about the issue and eventually worked  through them. H is great about taking things in stride, not getting defensive, and getting me out of head. Fun time had by all this morning. 

Monkeys:
1.  Three weight workouts + 20 minutes a day of at least something. 

2.  Plan Christmas party for adopted class. 
3.  Take advantage of my 'good' 2 weeks that started a few days ago (basically make time for lots and lots of sex). 

SaigoTakamori

@Tennee
Beat me to it!
@Winter. I have seen the photo he refered to.  
You're F_in hawt lady!, trust me..guys Are looking.

Winter

I had catalogue images to shoot this week and ended up being both photographer and model when the girl who was supposed to model didn't show lol!  I love this company that I am working with. We had a blast. 

Now I'm off to meet H's new boss for the first time. I turned up the hot (but business appropriate) to high to make a good impression. I like being H's trophy wife 

SaigoTakamori

@Winter
If I put off the 'internet creeper" vibe  apologies.  lol

I was attempting to be positive.

Winter

I shot 25 families in 5 hours today. Is the weekend over yet? (Answer is no, 3 more families tomorrow) I'm probably the only person who looks forward to Mondays lol!  

CallmeCat

@winter you are a busy girl. Photos are priceless so you are providing memories for many many people. U Go girl!!!

Winter

Today my friend and I made 30 fleece scarves to give to our adopted class (along with candy of course!). And I signed up to volunteer and my little ones class party on Thursday. 

 I also got in a good workout and even saw my abs peeking out again. I've been feeling a bit down on my body and considering some surgical 'enhancements', but after some research I've decided to just double down on overall fitness and not let the things I can't change get to me. Not saying it won't come back on the table sometime in the future...I like to keep my options open. 

I survived the crazy work weekend and am looking forward to the upcoming school break with the kids (4 more days!!!). 

42andatowel

Winter said:

I shot 25 families in 5 hours today. Is the weekend over yet? (Answer is no, 3 more families tomorrow) I'm probably the only person who looks forward to Mondays lol!  

If we didn't have enough context we might think you were the worst serial killer in decades!

Winter

42andatowel said:

Winter said:

I shot 25 families in 5 hours today. Is the weekend over yet? (Answer is no, 3 more families tomorrow) I'm probably the only person who looks forward to Mondays lol!  

If we didn't have enough context we might think you were the worst serial killer in decades!

Winter

Of course I prefer this one....

Winter

I'm quickly learning that wine brings out too many insecurities. I've got to nip this in the bud (as my grandma would say lol!) and stop scouring 'before and after' pics on the internet. 

forestleaf

Yep remember they get to pick and choose their before and after shots and models.  People with crap results don't make the cut I'm sure.

Angeline

forestleaf said: Yep remember they get to pick and choose their before and after shots and models.  People with crap results don't make the cut I'm sure.

Very true. That's a whole different, and very disturbing Google search.

Winter

Angeline said:

forestleaf said: Yep remember they get to pick and choose their before and after shots and models.  People with crap results don't make the cut I'm sure.

Very true. That's a whole different, and very disturbing Google search.

That's the truth and will sober a girl up real quick lol! 

Angeline

Winter said:

Angeline said:

forestleaf said: Yep remember they get to pick and choose their before and after shots and models.  People with crap results don't make the cut I'm sure.

Very true. That's a whole different, and very disturbing Google search.

That's the truth and will sober a girl up real quick lol! 

You know what else I hope it will do? Make you look at the before pics and realize, "there is not a thing wrong with her"

Why do you want to "fix" X? What do you think will be different about your life if you have different X?

I think people stomp down too hard on the enjoyment of attention and approval as being selfish or shallow, and it's true that too much focus on it is unhealthy. But I also believe that suppressing it will make it bubble out in other places, which can be even more trouble.

I believe you are too much of an extrovert to spend as much time as you do working alone, and if you had some kind of regular outlet such as singing or acting or modeling you could relax and enjoy who you are and what you have. Who is your jury on calling that shallow?

I will also say that you've said the past is over and done with, but over and over you describe stresses and anxieties, from sex to body issues to thoughts that won't shut down, that sure sound like aftereffects.

Winter

Why do you want to "fix" X? What do you think will be different about your life if you have different X?

That's a good question @Angeline. I don't really know. Part of me just wants to look perfect naked - not just good. And seeing as that's really the only time anyone would notice a difference (I can rock a good bra and look great in most outfits with no issue) it really is me being vain and self-centered and wanting to fill out a bikini better.

And I'm kind of ok with that. It's why I do most any 'beautification' - because it makes me feel good about myself and more confident. I honesty don't think nicer boobs are going to gain me any more 'attention' from anyone except maybe H, and he's happy with how they are now, but did say it might be fun to have something new and different just for us. I know you all don't believe it but I honestly do not get much outside attention anyway. So am I looking for more?  Of course, who doesn't want to be admired? But it's not the driving factor behind considering an upgrade. 

I do agree that I need some type of positive 'attention getting, extrovert' outlet and less time isolated at home. I've been working on that but the perfect solution hasn't been found yet. I was hoping fitness could play a role in that, but I keep getting plagued with 'injury'. Guess it's time to bump PT to the top of my list. 

I'm up for suggestsions. I told H I need to open my own Sexy Singing Telegram business 

Winter

Looking for some insight/advice before I lose you all. 

I've mentioned before that over the course of this whole MMSL journey H and I have really been able to explore sex and find out what works and what doesn't. Considering that prior to this we didn't talk about sex *at all*, never even said the word sex to each other and could go months (at times years) without sex this was an amazing change. 

Anyway after some trial and error I discovered that while I came here craving a man to want me, seduce me and dominant me sexually what I actually respond best to is a man who loves my sexuality and responds to my sexual advances. For good or bad - sex is power to me. And I love feeling the power I have making my man desire me and want me and then fulfilling his desires.  

Over the past few months I've found myself having a hard time responding to H's more dominate initiations, or really any of them. Even if I want sex I sometimes can't get past wanting it how *I* want it so in turn if he's not reading my mind and doing exactly what I want at that time, I move to change the direction of our encounter.  My top sexual brands are Responsive and Dominate - I don't really ping at all to submissive.

In the moment H doesn't seem to mind (and neither do I) but after the fact I feel guilty/bad/??? for taking charge.  When he initiates and I say no and the go on to initiate what I want it becomes even more obvious that I'm being a control freak. 

I also feel confused because while I do respond best to being 'in charge', over the past few years we've had some amazing sex that was definitely initiated and dominated by him. So why have things shifted so far this way, when before I was good with things being a bit more 'even'.

There are times when he knows just how work through my control tests and it works out well for both of us, but that's usually when it's a very obvious 'shit test' type situation. 

Gah....I am sure I sound all over the place I'm not sure I'm making any sense or articulating what's going on. But I've been wanting to discuss this and now that time is of the essence I figure I'd throw it out there.