Here's my first Map.
My plan is to work on the Reds first. Any Yellows or greens without much context are to be worked on later. Any advice gratefully received.
PHYSICALITY AND HEALTH
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RED - Stop slacking off exercise and do weights
I will do my kettle bells / press ups / sit ups 3 times per week
RED - Stop eating grains
I will eat slow carb 6 days per week for weight loss with only 1 binge day.
RED - Stop drugging yourself
Coffee no more than 2 cups per daily, no alcohol during the week, moderate consumption weekends
RED - Stop eating sugar.
Only on binge day
RED - Stop eating processed food
YELLOW - Find new places and friends
GREEN - Be in great shape
GREEN - Eat a balanced, natural diet
After slow carb to hit target weight, gradually add back more fruit.
GREEN - Feast and famine
GREEN - Fresh air and water
I already walk dogs every day. Need to increase water intake
GREEN - Supplementation
Look at protein shake and greens
MONEY AND MATERIALS
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RED - Stop wasting money
track where our money goes and stop leaks like poor spending, utilities etc
GREEN - Stop Debt drains
Not a problem for me, need to work on wife’s debt later
RED - Stop buying junk
Buy less but good quality items i.e clothing, shoes
GREEN - Stop bankrupting for status
RED - Stop ignoring broken items
I will go around the house, list everything that’s bust i.e showeroom light switch and start to either fix them myself (more alpha) or plan to get someone in as finance allows
RED - Use it or lose it
The house is cluttered and messy. Although my wife is incredibly messy and doesn’t clean up afterwards i.e. in kitchen or office, I can captain this. I will declutter a room at a time and chuck out junk without asking opinions from wife / kids.
YELLOW - Make more money
This will take time. Current work not paying quite enough with childcare costs, but will look at ways to earn additional income and improve my skills in current job in order to earn more in next job.
YELLOW - Work smart not hard
YELLOW - Get control of your time
Reduce TV vegging and excessive internet time. As I earn more pay others to do low value work
GREEN - Functional beautiful things
GREEN - Have emergency money
Have emergency zombie fund of gold at present, need to increase to 6 x monthly costs
GREEN - Work a positive job
I need to mindfully make my job positive, it can be if I make the internal change in attitude.
GREEN - Give from strength
GREEN - Invest in your marriage
Plan and spend more on holidays when affordable, e.g. spend on experiences such as our recent anniversary. Plan date nights out and SPA days
DISPLAYING HIGH VALUE
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RED - Stop displaying low value
***REALLY NEED TO PRIORITISE THIS***
Immediately stop whining, nagging, complaining and blaming others. And STFU!! Like now!!
RED - Stop emotional tunnel vision
My wife is not the only person in the world and stop expecting her to provide for all of my emotions. Rebuild self-reliance and other friends
YELLOW - Start passing shit tests
Firstly I must become tuned to them and aware. Stop to think “Is this a shit test?” and then just say no. Have already started this, feels uncomfortable but am pushing on.
RED - Maintain your frame
I will be aware that her moods or rejections are about her. Choose how I will feel in any moment and be mindful to stick to that. If she’s grumpy give no oxygen to the flames.
YELLOW - Learn to parent
I’m pretty good so far, but I will stop cleaning up after the kids, be aware of when I’m getting angry with youngest and go back into a good frame of calm parenting. Call out step kids if they are wrong, if mum tries to correct me, maintain frame.
GREEN - Dress well
Declutter wardrobe to only good looking items that fit and are in good condition. Then slowly look to fill in the gaps.
GREEN - Be Cool
GREEN - Be playfully dominant
For me the key here is “playfully”.
GREEN - Lead somewhere
Plan date nights or even when going to the supermarket just say “We’re going here now,” not “Shall we go and do x?”
GREEN - Figure out who is in charge
GREEN - Masculine and Feminine
I’m building muscle now through my kettle bell routines, have grown a trimmed beard again, will look into learning Wing Chun in near future.
RELATIONSHIP COMFORT
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RED - Stop demanding pampering
From now on I will stop expecting my wife to solve my problems of loneliness or insecurity. That’s not her job.
RED - Stop being lazy
I will fix things around the house and more importantly give myself the piece of mind of working hard in my employment to achieve more and feel less stressed. I’m inherently lazy and will stop this now.
YELLOW - Stop fighting dirty
YELLOW - Stop ignoring people
GREEN - Apologise for major incident
Have done so, so nothing needed her for now.
YELLOW - Recognise double blinds
Need to revisit this to get better understanding of them.
YELLOW - Find out what they like
Spend some time to look at how my wife treats me, find her love language and start to give her more of that.
YELLOW - Discover the covert contracts
I don’t think there are many of these around, but could be mistaken, so will spend time thinking of this as I run my MAP.
YELLOW - Start passing loyalty tests
Listen out for these and learn to distinguish them from shit tests. I’ve failed these in the past i.e flowers at birth of our son, so be mindful in future.
GREEN - Express affection
Hold hands and cuddle on the sofa, but without it becoming too beta or a covert contract.
GREEN - Say thank you
GREEN - Have integrity.
Learn to say no when I feel something is imposing or wrong, without fear. Start practicing small.
GREEN - Most important people first
Myself, my son, my wife, step kids, rest of family, friends, other.
RED - Assume positive intentions
I will say to myself “If she’s tired it does't mean she doesn’t want me. Maybe turning down sex is not a -deliberate- plan on her part” keep frame and OI for now.
Comments
Appreciate your comments though.
This week has had little wins and times of me slipping too.
No sex at all as W has been on her period and in addition has been really tired from her work.
I have been trying to learn and practice OI but I'm not sure if I'm doing it all correctly. I have managed to stop the spiral of "she won't have sex with me or give me a hand job or bj" and letting this get me more and more depressed and angry. On some evenings I told myself, it's not going to happen, don't push it, don't mope, just STFU. Which I think is a least a good start.
This has meant that although I may be pissed off inside, I'm not showing it and so there is no palpable negative energy in the bedroom at night. I either cuddle her a bit without making any move or suggestion, or just go to sleep.
There are times when I've thought that I shouldn't cuddle her as this is still showing beta and I need to work on my alpha, but at present all I'm aiming for is to have no negativity. Is this the right approach?
I have stuck to regular weight work with kettle bells, press ups and sit ups and am seeing early progress here.
I stuck nearly 100% to my slow carb diet and when at a work event with cakes and sandwiches, staid true and turned them all down, only eating chicken, veggies and non wheat products. In addition when out with my colleagues I didn't drink hard (as I used to do) but had a couple of glasses of red wine and left it at that. I even took raw almonds and 80% dark chocolate with me so if I wanted a snack in my room I wasn't going to break the foods allowed.
I've been around the house and have listed all the work needing doing. Fixing, mending and chucking.
I purposefully upped my alpha by not being too gushy whilst away. Less texting and much less of the "I love you so much" I would have done in the past over the phone. I showed myself as less needy.
Am making more decisions. When I wanted to throw out some unimportant papers that had been cluttering up the office for months, I asked W if they could go. She said yes, but they'd need tearing up beforehand. I knew this wouldn't happen and they'd still be around in a weeks time, so that night I just binned them. I want to have a tidy house and I will lead here and if necessary apologise afterwards rather than ask permission.
I've been trying to maintain a cheerful cockiness. This is hard though when all I can think of is how it's been 2 weeks since anything physical. Holding back resentment and PA thoughts is tough, but I am working on it.
Planned some online shopping. W saw I was doing it and asked if I could add one items for her to save delivery. I said OK, but after a couple of reminders she'd still not done anything. The old me would have continued to pussy around, but instead I said clearly "If you've not got your ideas together tonight then I'll be putting the order through as I can't wait any longer" She didn't get it in so (without making a meal of it) I just put my order through.
I managed to recognise and pass my first shit test (I think). W say on sofa with dog, asked if I could get up a refill her glass. I asked her why she couldn't and she gave my the slightly girly "well the dog is leaning on me and he's so comfy..." to which I replied "well push him off and then YOU can get your drink". She didn't do this, but fell asleep soon afterwards. I'm not sure if this was intentional or tiredness. I have to say I found this REALLY hard. I had to fight every instinct to go back on what I said and get up.
It's very early days. I hope I'm starting things off right.
So onwards with running my MAP and in particular practicing my OI and STFU. And trying to remember that "the sex comes last" These are my top priorities.
Firstly thank everyone who's commented and advised on this forum. I really don't know how I'd keep improving albeit in small steps without the gold advice here.
I had a few tough weeks, with a bit of a sexual drought after wife's period. Let it get me down, lost frame and OI and STFU and ranted on the forum. Took the advice given to heart and, I'm improving.
Threw myself into my current reds. I've been eating slow carb and doing my weights (kettlebell routine with press ups and sit ups) - Result is steady improvements in strength and 5lbs weight lost.
I've controlled my drinking and only drink on the weekend, unless it's a social occasion. Had a 2 day work away from home period where usually I'd eat crap and drink far too much. I stayed slow carb in my diet, turned down lunch sandwiches to eat chicken and veg and only had a couple of glasses of red wine. I also took almonds with me as a healthy snack.
Picked up on some things needing doing on my list, fixed blocked downpipes, sold unused furniture, took leadership opportunities and tried to make more decisions.
Applied myself more in work and stopped being so f***ing lazy.
Kept off Porn and FAP.
Noticed a few Hamster moments and reacted accordingly with OI. Even managed to knock back some shit tests.
Really started working on STFU and OI. Did some initiations, but thought about my OI beforehand so if W wasn't interested I could avoid pouting and just do something else or go to sleep. One result of getting my Frame right, was that one night when W was yellow I pushed through a soft no and the result was that she obliged and then even though she wasn't bothered about her own O, really went to town to get me off. Before MMSL and this forum I would have been apologetic during and afterwards, but for the first time I remained in my frame and more Alpha and just approached it as "she's wanting me to have an O as her husband, she's not that bothered at having one herself, so it's OK and I'll just take it." I've never acted this way before, but I feel I made some really good Alpha progress there.
Also, because of my STFU and OI and working to build good Alpha I had a night when my W come to bed wearing lingerie. After great times I finished by fucking her rather than "making love". It was loving and mutual, but so much more Alpha than I'd ever been previously. And boy did she get off on it.
I'm not there yet. I'm very early in my MAP and will probably "fall down seven times" a great deal. There are some big things to improve and yes, my sex life is one of those. In no way do I feel I can relax or let up as I've a massive way to go.
But I am better than I was and I feel I am going somewhere. I'm very slowly becoming a better me. Better man, husband and father.
It's going to be a long journey, but I've started.
Was pissy with wife for turning me down sexually the night before. Was Alpha in the day, but not good Alpha, more cocky and slightly "Fuck You Alpha" which I shouldn't have been.
I asked Wife if she could collect me from the station next week as I have a work party that evening and would like a drink. She replies by saying "it won't be very late will it as it's a work night. It won't be much later than 8pm will it?" This annoys me as on numerous times she's gone out with friends on a work night, I've happily collected her at 11pm or later. I point this out and basically say, "So you're not happy to collect me, when I've picked you up loads of times - thanks for that! "(sarcasticly)
When we went to bed, I lost frame and OI. Not even sure what happened except started talking about lack of sex, missing her, blah blah blah. I know this was stupid and I shouldn't have. I just let my bad mood and horniness throw off my MAP and Frame. End result, her upset, saying she's had enough of my constant pressure and poutiness about sex, how she's tired, not feeling well, got things on her mind etc. I finish by saying it's partly her fault for making herself so busy with additional work like preaching in church, doing a study course etc, so she can't be arsed to spend time with me. And I end up looking after kids while she's doing this stuff. And I feel like a fucking support act. All wrong behaviour, negative emotion and just crap from my MAP priorities.
I got up and came downstairs just to get away from her and the escalating situation.
Felt like hitting myself in the face with a metaphorical 2x4.
Today is another day, but I feel bruised and tired. Despite this I'm going to stand up again. Don't think I should do any initiation for a while and work on Good Alpha, attraction, and my reds and forget about the sex.
I'll have a look at the Reddit re. Slow Carb. I generally use the advice from Four Hour Body and the condensed version on Time Ferris' blog. I'm a fair way into mine, and am now at the 13s 3lbs mark (186 lbs) I am using weight as a metric, but my main target is to fit back comfortably into my wedding suit and have a waist at a comfortable 34 inches. As I build muscle and lose fat the weight will plateau.
40lbs is an ace target, and you'll see quick results on Slow Carb. When I first did it I lost about 5lbs in the first week. Are you adding any weights? I do a Kettlebell and press and sit up routine every other morning. Quick, effective and cheap.
And cheat days are what makes the whole thing perfect.
W is also very tired, as things are hectic.
I'd been out earlier at a works Christmas do, so had allowed my self to relax the slow carb for the day and treat myself to a couple of drinks with W.
We curl up on the sofa and she's being tactile, putting legs on my lap. I'm stroking her legs.
At some point I say I'm going to bed (as I am feeling really tired), she says she'll be up soon.
I go to bed. Tired. Thinking of sleep but slightly of sex.
W comes to bed. I notice she's naked. Take this as a green. Roll over and start stroking her.
She says "I'm not in the mood, I've got a million things whizzing round my head and feeling stress. I just want a cuddle."
I said "Sorry I'm a bit confused, you're naked"
She says' she's just knackered and couldn't find anything to put on. (Note: Normally she wears T shirt and panties in bed if she's not green. Usually lingerie is obvious "come and get me", naked is strong green)
I also know she's pre-menstrual, which shoots her emotions around.
I say OK. I hold her arm and just cuddle.
Inside I'm feeling slightly annoyed. She was giving some gentle greens, and she's come to bed naked. And I am feeling horny now.
...WAIT FOR IT...
I. JUST. STFU.
I. JUST. REMAIN. OI.
I don't say anything more. I don't get pissy. I don't show I'm a bit annoyed. I just do what I know I need to do and you on the forum are reminding me to do. Work on MY RED. STFU. Calm. OI.
And this morning I didn't go over it, or get PA or whiny.
I didn't get laid. It was bloody hard, I'm still feeling horny. But I notched up one more small success.
However, you need to understand that this is not OI, at least not in my book. OI is going to bed and initiating because you want sex right then and being OK with it either way if your W says yes or no, because you know you'll shag her twice as hard tomorrow. This is you going to sleep frustrated and with blue balls, yet taking it like a man.
Im no master of A&A, though I can definitely say I'm a ton better than I used to be. But one thing that has surely been established in my marriage since I began is that my wife understands and accepts that I am a highly energetic sexual person. We've returned to the days of her needing to catch her breath at times, and I've heard, "holy shit!" "Wow!" etc. several times recently. All the drive bys, innuendo, notes left for her to find that tell how awesome her ass is, and such have strongly established me as a constant sexual "threat" (not in a bad way of course). But she knows that she can not go to bed nude without expecting that she will be coming sometime shortly thereafter.
My opinion is that if a wife presents herself naked to her husband, unless they ALWAYS sleep in the nude, she is initiating. Proceed to take her up on it. If you think she may be yellow because she's tired, start with teasing kisses and up the intensity as she responds. So she says, "Not tonight, I'm tired."
That at would be a soft no. Where I am now, I'd try to push through it. "Me too. Today was a bitch."
"I'm stressed."
Lightheartedly, "I've got just what you need babe."
If she gave me a hard no, I'd be playful, "Well, as the head pervert in this household it's my job to make sure all hot women coming into this bed nude are thoroughly and properly fucked and are given the most pleasure physically possible. I take the job very seriously and I'm damned good at it." Say it with the biggest shit-eating grin you can muster. "But if you aren't interested, I'd suggest you find a garbage bag or burlap sack or something if you can't find something to sleep in, because if I wake up and see the moonlight shining off your fine ass I'm waking you up."
Then close your eyes and go to sleep with a smirk on your face, secure in the knowledge that you'll be balls deep, showing her how you take care of business in a day or two. Seriously DGAF. And there is no cuddling when she comes to bed nude and there is no sex. Don't be the slightest upset or pissy, just go to sleep.
Others may disagree, but this is how it would happen in my house now. Like I said above, I applaud how you dealt with the situation and didn't become butt hurt or pissy, but this is where you want to eventually get. It's an absolute covert contract crusher when she knows that you're going to pound her through the mattress if she shows up nude.
Yes, the naked bit foxed me, because, like you, in this household my W coming to bed naked would also mean she's going to get pounded. She's never come to bed naked and then not had sex before.
I genuinely thought at the time she was just really shattered, but the next morning she did mention that she had carried on with a few more drinks after I'd gone up to bed. Knowing this, makes me feel that she might have thought "maybe" then kicked into a drunk over the top hamster mode, hence the shutdown. Adding to this her being almost on her period with whacky hormones and I think it all became a mess in her head.
I must say I do find the being cocky and Alpha with cheesy a difficult concept to apply personally. I probably have to up the attraction etc before even thinking about this, but even then to me it seems something that would just really annoy W as it would be so out of my character (slightly reserved Brit). Have other people in like me managed to turn this around? Or are there slightly more subtle ways? I'm not dismissing this as a way to behave, just not quite sure if I could pull it off without W either laughing at me or feeling very unattracted to this type of language.
- Managed to work out 3x as planned. Up to 14 press ups, 5 x 10 reps of kettle bell swings, 20 arm curls with kettle bell, 20 rowing pull ups with kettle bell and 22 sit ups.
- Managed to not put on any weight despite Office Christmas lunch. Remained slow-carb rest of week.
- Just put up Xmas outside decorations without asking or telling W and kids and then surprising them with fairylight magic.
- No PA when W turned me down for sex despite being naked.
- Cleared out more crap
- Stopped an orbiting situ. W back late from kiddo's event. Had extra work to do (because she's left it late from night before) Said I was tired and was going to bed. She said "I've got this work to do aren't you staying up with me". I calmly said "No, I'm tired and need my sleep" (Before I would have been beta apologetic and grudgingly stayed up, feeling pissed off and tired.)
- Batted back a disagreement I had with W. Suggested one thing, she said, "no I wanted it to be my way". I replied with "We'll discuss this when you're back in tonight, now you need to get to work". She was annoyed, I held frame. Irony is she might have a point, and I might conceded to that point but I was not going to do my usual "Yes dear" and be beta, small steps but at least they are steps.
Things I'm thinking about:Beards. I used to have a goatee when W and I first met. We kissed often. I've recently regrown it but now W pulls to the side when we kiss, which annoys me. When I bring this up, she says it's because my short beard hair is spiky, which it probably is. I'm thinking that this is an attraction issue as it wasn't a problem before? I'm thinking of shaving it back off so that excuse isn't there but if I do that am I being beta and acting in her frame? Growing it long is not an option, as the Gandalf look does not work on LFH.
BJTC and Oral. W is about to hit her period. One of my golden fleece quests is to get her back to the place where I receive abundant any BJTC's, especially during her period. It's too early yet to push for this, need to work up a lot of Alpha, attraction etc (all reds in my map) but here's the rub. When we have sex, I used to enjoy giving and W enjoyed receiving oral. Even this has really reduced in frequency as often when I go down she stops me. Her (hamster?) excuses are (a) It's too intense, (b) She just really wants my cock in her and now (c) She hasn't trimmed down there and is a bit self-conscious.
Now I know that (a) has some validity but then she used to praise me and happily tell me how my going down on her gave her an almost out of body orgasm, with her left as a quivering mass who almost cried from the intensity and pleasure. But (b) and (c) sound like hamsters? I'm assuming these are attraction issues because it's not an a/b test cock or tongue, she can have both? Maybe she also feels if I do oral for her she should reciprocate (like she used to). Also, if she was attracted more wouldn't she make the effort to go to the salon for some waxing, or even just use my beard trimmer (which I've offered) or am I wrong?
Yes I'm horny. Yes I know it's going to be a tough and probably drought ridden week coming up. I'm annoyed at the above, but I sure as hell aren't going to let her know that. I think at the present stage in my MAP the only advice is to STFU, OI, work on Alpha and keep making myself a better person. But jeez it's hard sometimes.
Slight rant there friends, but only on this forum.
My wife says the same. One time I did have to shave it off (child fiddled with my trimmer and it was half gone in a flash!), she admitted that I do look a whole lot more manly with it and wanted it re-grown. Actions not words. If she is attracted the spiky does not matter.
Don't wish she were different, wish you were better.
Some good advice I got when I started was cut back your monkeys (RED's) to 3 per week. Any more is a distraction. Keep them specific actions that are realistic about what will do, not what you expect from your wife. Your open-minded approach is your strength… you've got this!
And your wife's hamster is ruling your house… a naked woman is green, she didn't believe herself when she told you she was too lazy to put clothes on. Watch her actions not her words.
"I want my wife but I don't NEED her" @Nubby
I also think cutting back to 3 monkeys a week will help me with focus and not getting overwhelmed with all the things I have to MAP out.
Flashheart: “All right men, let's do-oo-oo it! The first thing to remember is: always treat your kite like you treat your woman.”
Lieutenant George: “How, how do you mean, Sir? Do you mean, do you mean take her home at weekends to meet your mother?”
Lord Flashheart: “No, I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back.”
WOOOFF
Don't wish she were different, wish you were better.
How's this for a strong initiation, "Nursie. I like it firm and fruity. Am I pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket? Down, boy, down!!"
Thanks @Betterman you've made me smile.
Lieutenant George: Why do you have no underwear, Lord Flash?
Lord Flasheart: Because the pants haven't been built yet that'll take the job on!
Don't wish she were different, wish you were better.
Don't wish she were different, wish you were better.
woof
Don't wish she were different, wish you were better.
I thought I'd managed to maintain my weight this week despite the Christmas work meal...
But I didn't....
When I weighed myself today I found I'd actually lost another pound this week.
This weekend is going to be great, whether or not I get any...
Onwards and upwards.