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new triage for new relationship

Frank_LondonFrank_London in transitSilver Member Posts: 1,853
in Married Life
Here's my triage for my new relationship.
If you get half way through and wonder why the hell I would post a triage for such a good relationship, I should mention that there will be a "part 2." All is not as rosy as it sounds.
I'll get to that, but for the impatient, I'll just say that my second elephant (in Question 8 below) is a serious elephant.

Question One – Basic Questions

We're both mid-forties. I'm a couple of years older than her. She left her ex-husband two years ago. I left my ex-wife about four years ago.We met about a year ago through online dating, and quickly fell in love. Our lives are now intertwined and we never want it to end.

We both have kids –  I have one 11 year old; she has two teenagers. Both of us have 50-50 week about, and for most of this year, we were apart with kids, then together as a childless couple. We’ve recently changed it up so we are together all the time, and move between houses depending on who has the kids –so that we aren’t apart, and we are forming relationships with each other’s children. That’s all going fine. 

We plan to buy a house next year. We plan to get married in the fullness of time when our lives are not so chaotically busy (either that, or do it very quickly, like early next year--- we haven't decided which).

Question Two – Rule Out Medical

We're both fit and healthy. We both go to the gym regularly, and neither of us are overweight.
We are the same height; at 6' she is tall (but tall and thin!).

She has had serious medical problems and operations in the past; it's not a factor at this point. I'd prefer not to go into detail unless it becomes an issue.
We both have adhd. 

Question Three – Rule Out Structural Attraction Issues

despite having an okay job, I have no assets. Given my age, that may be a negative for some women. But she doesn't care. She earns more than me, and is very successful. That's not a problem for either of us.


Question Four – Rule Out Critical Moments and Neglect

we had an argument a few weeks ago. It's all water under the bridge now and we are good.
 

Question Five – Rule Out Outside Sexual Sources

I have used porn occasionally when apart from her. 

Question Six – When Did the Sex Go Bad?

The sex is still great. 

Question Seven – What Was the Sex Like at the Start of the Relationship?

amazing.

Question Eight – What’s the Elephant in the Room?

1. we are trying to get pregnant right now. We're prepared for the possibility that it won't happen, but want to try anyway. We'll stay together whichever way it goes.
2. my ex-wife is a problem.

Question Nine – Who is the Leader in your Marriage?

At the start, it was definitely me but the balance has shifted.
On practical matters, she is the leader. But on both the emotional and sexual levels, I'm more of the leader.

Question Ten – Tell Us About the Good Times

These are still the good times.
She is all I could want in a partner.
We share lots of interests and have fun together.
She is fun, kind, loves kids, loves animals, perceptive, smart, and is into cooking healthy, delicious meals.
She  is socially very popular and widely liked and admired. Younger women tell her she is a role model for them.
We have a great sex life. 
We never tire of each other's company. We have no secrets and can talk about anything.
That's why I'm still in the good times.

So those are the triage questions, and now, dear forum members, you may be wondering..... why on earth would I post all this in a triage?
The reason is that I would like some advice on some fairly tough issues. And I know that if I ask for advice, before long someone's going to say "give us a triage." So here it is.

part 2 coming up.
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Comments

  • Frank_LondonFrank_London in transitSilver Member Posts: 1,853
    edited December 2015
    Part 2. The ex.

    So if you want all the juicy details about my horrific previous marriage, it's here.

    My previous marriage, the short version:
    my ex wife spent about five years of our marriage in and out of depression, psychosis, alcohol and drug addiction. She was often angry, occasionally violent.
    I won't go into details - there are too many - but just to give you a flavour, here are some really quick ones to help you get up to speed.

    - She once stood outside the spare bedroom where my mother was hiding from her, screaming at her to "get out here you f-ing b---tch" (this was shortly before the separation - but this kind of shit had been happening for years).
    - once threatened to kill me if I left her;
    - did almost none of the parenting, even though she rarely had a job and I worked for most of the marriage. I basically did it all.

    Maybe - with really good MMSL principles for example - I might have been able to turn it around, but I couldn't, and so I got out. Honestly - and I am not being melodramatic when I say this, but this is my cold, rational assessment - she meets the criteria for a psychopath. I'm pretty sure she's an actual psychopath.

    getting on with my ex since the divorce

    The divorce was very rocky and cost me a lot of money. I ended up with 50/50 custody. Over time, she seemed to get her shit together, and we established a friendly relationship. I help her out in various ways, in part because when she is stable, she is not trying to destroy my life.  And it's better for our son.

    One of the things I built into the agreement was that we don't split christmas down the middle. I get him one year - for a block of time -and she gets him the next.

    So last year, since she had my son, my mother (who wanted to see her grandson) invited her to my family's place for christmas. She accepted, and it worked well. she stayed in a guest room, had xmas lunch with my family, stayed a few days, and then left.

    Now, it's my turn, and she's complaining that she's going to be alone all christmas. I told her our boy can spend xmas eve and morning with her, and then I'll get him.

    My ex and my new lover

    Let's call my new girlfriend/partner "Joan" (not her real name). Since I started seeing Joan, and since Joan has been spending lots of time with my son, my ex has been desperate to meet her and has expressed the desire to become friends with her.

    Joan wants nothing to do with her.

    My ex feels rejected by that.

    Lately, my ex has been making more contact, calling in more favors, calling me up and either berating me or complaining how she has no friends or family, and nobody loves her.

    My ex acting up the last few days

    Last weekend was her weekend with the boy. He went on a scout camp.  I drove him there - quite a way out of the city - and also collected him on sunday. My ex doesn't do those kind of things for him ("you know I have terrible sense of direction, I'll just get lost").
    I don't mind doing those things, because if I leave it to her, he just won't make it there. He'll be stuck at home in her apartment for the weekend.
    Before I got him, she told me her car had broken down; and could she borrow mine. She needed to do grocery shopping because the child was with her, and she needed to be able to feed him.
    Borrowing my car was out of the question, but I talked it over with Joan, and we figured that instead of dropping my son off, I could pick her up, drop her at the mall, and hang out with him some more. And then when she was done, she could call; I'd go to the mall and take her and her groceries home.
    The advantage for me: more time with my son; and I have control over the whole event.

    It didn't work out that way. My son and I arrived, having got back from the scout camp pickup point. It took her an hour to get ready to go out.
    Then, when I dropped her off, she got out of the back drivers side seat and slowly walked forwards and then past the front of the car, so I couldn't drive off until she was done. It really felt like a power play. Fifteen minutes after my son and I got back to my place, she called and abused me for being so uptight while waiting for her to get ready.
    "You have been uptight around me lately. And right now, I'm so nervous, I'm actually shaking."
    I told her I wasn't uptight, I just had things to do and wanted to get moving.
    I said "hey, I'm helping you out a lot today. Even though it's your week with the kid, I collected our son from a scout camp, I drove you to the mall, I'm babysitting for you right now. You're not grateful at all. You're just giving me a hard time for being uptight."
    She called about an hour and half later. She was kinda rude to me in the car on the way back.

    The other thing was, before we left we walked past her car, and I said, "Show me what's wrong with the engine." she explained that the engine noise didn't occur when the engine started, it only occurred after some driving. So she drove it round the block while my son and I stood in the car lot waiting. When her car reeappeared, it was running fine. She pulled back into the lot and parked it. She laughed. "How about that?" she said. "It's not doing it! Trust me. It was playing up!"

    also - last Thursday she dropped the boy off at my place, and invited herself in and made herself a cup of tea.  and I repeatedly indicated that I wanted her to go but she just hung around for an hour. To give some context, she did come in occasionally (not often) before I was seeing Joan, but even then, it was always hard to get her to go. She leaves when she's ready to leave, not when others are ready.

    solving it.

    Joan is not jealous or worried in any way about my ex as a potential relationship threat. But she doesn't want her in our life.  I know I have to get her out. But if I make any sudden moves, I am worried that she is going to snap and things will get really nasty, very quickly.

    I have told Joan I will solve this. I said "I want you to trust me that I will deal with this."
    She agreed and accepted that.

    I came up with three principles.

    1.  no more drop-offs at my place. No matter what rules I put in place, if she comes to my front door she will come inside (she'll literally walk around me, if she wants to come in).
    2. she is not to have any contact with Joan unless absolutely unavoidable.
    3. no more favors.

    Joan doesn't understand how dangerous my ex is. Extricating yourself from her is like defusing a bomb; like tiptoeing out of a minefield.

    oh, and by the way, I think that my ex might have a copy of my front door key. I'm not sure...  (again, it's a long story but I didn't give the key to her).

    Dealing with my ex is consuming a lot of my mental energy right now. I'm stressed and worried.
  • SaigoTakamoriSaigoTakamori FLSilver Member Posts: 3,075
    Good Plan 
    Avoid giving her energy.
    No debates
    No arguments
    No explaining

    You cannot reason with a crazy person
    Sweat More...bitch less
    Fate favors the prepared.
    frillyfunFrank_Londonsoa2005CartB4Horse
  • Frank_LondonFrank_London in transitSilver Member Posts: 1,853
    Thanks.

    I'm hoping to set new boundaries but not upset her to the point where she starts getting paranoid and angry. 
  • RedPillNeophyteRedPillNeophyte Silver Member Posts: 185
    Your first step should be to follow JellyBean's advice...change the lock.

    You should also be documenting EVERYTHING your ex is doing.  This may continue to escalate and she may show her psychopathic nature again. 

    If permissible by laws in your state/country, I would also be recording all conversations/interactions with her, either with a phone or VAR.  If she starts being crazy, whip out your phone and record her.

    I may sound a bit paranoid, but this may just be a lull in the crazy.  Better safe than sorry.
    HildaCornersFrank_Londonamblrgirl
  • Frank_LondonFrank_London in transitSilver Member Posts: 1,853
    edited December 2015
    Thanks for the replies.
    What are you afraid of, with respect to your ex?  I'm not saying your fears are irrational per se, rather that they're very palpable and they seem to overwhelm you. 
    that's a good question. It might be that my fears are just echoes of the past, rather than signals of any kind of present danger. 
    What can your ex do? What's her power that you're afraid of?
    Okay, how about I answer that with a list things that she has actually done in the past. Some of these haven't happened in nearly ten years, but still, they're all things she has done at least once.

    - filed false police reports against me;
    - physically assaulted me (in a big way);
    - harassed and stalked me;
    - spat on me;
    - harassed my family;
    - made plans to abduct my son to another country;
    - neglected my son;
    - destroyed stuff.

    Beyond those are the things she's threatened to do: kill herself, kill me, cut me.

    So in short, given the past, the sky's the limit in terms of what she's capable of. But right now she's playing nice, and the worst you could say is that she's being a bit obsessive and a bit manipulative. Which isn't the end of the world.

    It's when she feels betrayed and shunned that there is the potential for a full blown meltdown. 


    My first worry is how ex is parenting your son ... she has him half the time, so her influence on him is strong. If he reports she's getting abusive, you may want to go to court to change the custody arrangements. At least, keep the possibility in mind and maybe find a top-quality divorce attorney now.x
    I don't think she's getting abusive. But I couldn't swear to it.

    He got a big bump on his forehead a couple of weeks ago in the evening, and she was texting me telling me she was thinking about taking him to hospital. He's a bit clumsy so her explanantion is plausible - that he banged it while leaning down in the kitchen looking through cupboards. But it did make me wonder.

    My main concern is about her doing the basics (food, homework, getting him places he needs to be), which is not a guarantee.

    I'm reluctant to go to court at this point. I ran out of money last time.

    Re: your other elephant.  Mid-forties and trying to conceive - are you and Joan 100% clear and agreed on what you will do in case of birth defects & such?
    yes, we've had that conversation. Thanks for raising it because it might be good to revisit and refresh the talk.

    Scarlet said:
    When someone is BSC, you cannot dance around them hoping that your behavior will prevent a blowup.  They WILL blow up at some point, no matter what you do.  
    *sigh* Sadly, I know you are right.
  • Frank_LondonFrank_London in transitSilver Member Posts: 1,853
    HildaCorners said:
    You need to set protections in place right now. With luck, you won't need them, but if you do, you may need them 
    I tried to go hard, and was set to win. we went through several court hearings and proceedings. It was all supposed to culminate in a big high level trial that was going to cost about another $25k. By this stage my parents were helping bankroll the  whole thing. My mother, being a forgiving, kind hearted Christian,  started to feel sorry for Bscx  . Also I  had no social approval from anyone for what I was doing. I had people lined up as witnesses,  who I found out were openly telling others (eg my mother) that they didn't feel right about it.

    Then my lawyer,  who was fantastic,  left the country for three weeks,  and in that time my ex ramped up the psychological pressure.

    End result, negotiated agreement, and no trial.

    I'm telling you all this simply to say that there's not much I can do legally at this point. The good thing is that ex knows she "won," ie,  didn't lose completely, and therefore plays nice. And I know that one thing she fears is a brand new court battle.
    HildaCornersAngelineScarletamblrgirl
  • Frank_LondonFrank_London in transitSilver Member Posts: 1,853
    Slipangle said:
    I dunno what your ex situation is, but way back I dated a woman with bipolar issues. She was diagnosed and got disability,  medicaid and medicare. She had a social worker. 

    This sounds like you're her social worker. 

    Sorry for the tldr reaction but the cord needs to be cut,and if she's a danger she needs to lose custody. That's a long road but you owe it to your children if it's that bad. She's a separate entity and needs to be a functional adult under her own power.
    You are right.
    I guess I don't want to accept it because it's less effort to keep maintaining the status quo.  But what you say is completely true. Unfortunately. 
  • SlipangleSlipangle MichiganSilver Member Posts: 1,544
    I understand that it's hard to cut the cord with someone with mental health problems, but we know on a very basic and general basis that taking the easy or comfortable way is often not the best way. Whatever choice you make just watch for complicated justification.  Sure sign you're rationalizing away from the right thing. And when you catch yourself doing that, bring it back to basics with one simple question : is this what is best for my children? 

     

    HildaCornersFrank_London
  • AngelineAngeline planting seedsCategory Moderator** Posts: 14,500
    edited December 2015
    I made a mistake in judgment about a friend of my kids, and he stole several things from me. We got these replacement locksets, and the technology is very cool.

    http://www.kwikset.com/SmartSecurity/Re-Key-Technology.aspx
    "Speak your truth." - Scarlet
    Remember to play!
    Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
    Be married, until you are not.

    Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
    HildaCornersHusband3point0
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