New girlfriend, running into my ex

elgringoelgringo VirginiaMember Posts: 71
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me about one year ago.  I spent 6 months getting my shit together and read the primer and the map. I started online dating end of June and in a period of 3.5 months dated 14 different women. Number 12 is now my girlfriend. We have been dating for about 2 months now and became exclusive one month ago. So far things are going well. We enjoy each other's company and make each other laugh. We have the same kid free weekends and spend that time together. We have great chemistry and the sex has been outstanding. The woman is a blowjob genius and swallows for good measure. Communication is good and we talk and text daily. The only issue that has come up was her talking about when we were going to meet each other's children. I don't know if this was a fitness test, but I told her that I thought we should wait until we have dated at least 6 months to make sure that this was going to be a lasting relationship. This would help protect the children. She talked to her counselor about it and read some articles on the subject and she has agreed to this. 

My problem now is that I keep running into my ex-girlfriend. She has a son who is in kindergarten and I teach art to his class once a week. I see her coming in some mornings with her son as I have hall duty. There is this awkward tension between us and we never speak to each other. I saw her at the grocery store about a month ago and she was with some dude. I didn't say anything to her and I know I shouldn't care, but it was a jolt. I know some of you are going to say I have one-itis. I am not trying to dwell on her, but I have dreamed about her recently and I find this very unsettling. When we were together the relationship was on again, off again with horrible communication problems and she was totally unavailable emotionally, so it's not like I want to get back together with her. But she is very sexy and I can't help but be attracted to her. I have been thinking of reaching out to her in an effort to break the tension. I don't really want to be friends with her, but I would like it if our encounters could be less awkward. Any thoughts would be appreciated.


«13

Comments

  • jzoomjzoom PASilver Member Posts: 639
    I understand the struggle and I think a lot of it has to do with the pure attraction issue. She's sexy and you're attracted physically. You've had sex with her and remember what it was like. Lizard brain wants that and tries jolting you to pursue that. Must have modern brain override the impulses and remember that she's not truly special.

    Making things less awkward is hard. "Fake it till you make it" will usually do in quick interactions like that.
  • elgringoelgringo VirginiaMember Posts: 71
    Don't fuck up the good thing you've actually got by reconnecting!!!
    I have no intentions of being friends with my ex or pursuing a relationship with her. I am happy with my new girlfriend. I just find it stressful when I see my ex, which has been happening alot lately. I would like for these encounters to not freak me out, but my heart starts racing as soon as I see her. I can't help it. It is frustrating. 
    redheaded_woman
  • elgringoelgringo VirginiaMember Posts: 71
    edited December 2015
    Recent developments: I ran into my ex at work on Tuesday. She was there to have lunch with her son and just happened to be right in front of me. So we had a brief, friendly conversation. It went pretty well. I was super nervous at first, but I felt relieved to get through it. I resisted the urge to send her an email (I deleted her number a while ago so no texting) but today I found she emailed me wishing me a merry christmas and saying that it was nice saying hi to me and that she hopes it won't be awkward when we run into each other. I am trying to move on and am happy with my new girlfriend, but I still keep dreaming about my ex frequently. I hate my stupid brain. Trying to decide how to respond to my ex's email, or even if I should respond at all. 



  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    Don't respond.
    Or just wish her a Merry Christmas, no personal statement.

    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
    Guitarslinger
  • elgringoelgringo VirginiaMember Posts: 71
    Recent developments: I did respond to my ex and informed her that I was seeing someone. She replied that she was now single. We started texting. We met for lunch and then drinks. Things got flirty and we agreed to try having casual sex. Then over a 3 week period we got together 6 times, sometimes going out or sometimes just hanging out and had amazing, mind blowing sex. We both agreed that is was great. Then suddenly she starts getting feelings and I felt like i had to choose to be with her or the woman I am dating. I asked her how things had changed in terms of her emotional availability and what work she had done towards sorting out her emotional baggage. There was no point in dating again if she had the same issues. She said she was working on it and was in a better place but had not gone to counseling. Last week I was supposed to see her, but I couldn't stop thinking about how she had hurt me before and was afraid to go down that road again. I freaked out. So I cancelled at the last minute and we had a huge fight and now she doesn't want to see me. Meanwhile, the woman I have been dating started taking the pill a while ago and has put on some weight so I am not as attracted to her as I was originally. I enjoy her company, she is emotionally stable and very sweet, but I don't really look forward to having sex with her. I feel like id be kind of shallow to break up with her over this, plus I'm pretty sure that she loves me and it would really hurt her. I have much better sexual chemistry and attraction with the ex. And feel free to say "I told you so" because all of you cautioned not to get involved with my ex.
  • Frank_LondonFrank_London in transitSilver Member Posts: 1,853
    edited February 2
    elgringo said:
    Meanwhile, the woman I have been dating started taking the pill a while ago and has put on some weight so I am not as attracted to her as I was originally. I enjoy her company, she is emotionally stable and very sweet, but I don't really look forward to having sex with her.
    Of course you're not as excited by your girlfriend right now.

    She seems less fun because you have been enjoying the crack cocaine of sex: namely, a very hot, bat-shit-crazy woman. That's a big high that comes with a very big cost (and I know it). Your poor girlfriend can't match that. Go check out the discussions on this site about porn, and how it's so hard to go back to more standard porn once people start exploring the extreme stuff. same thing here, except you did it in real life.

    Maybe she put on weight because she knows you're sleeping around.  Or maybe doesn't know that, but she senses that you're not into her any more.

    I don't think you should break up with her because she's less exciting than she used to be. That will pass as the adrenalin rush of the crazy relationship with your crazy ex subsides.
    LadyOrTheTygerTenneeelgringo
  • elgringoelgringo VirginiaMember Posts: 71
    My ex was crazy. Not sure how much people really change, but in the year since i had dated her she has been much more open with communicating her feelings. My ex is willing to date me provided that i dump the person im seeing now. There are a few things that make this an attractive option. The ex lives about 2 minutes away whereas the gf lives in another town 45 minutes away. I do get to see my gf fairly often but the distance thing is annoying. Also the sex is much better with my ex. The window of opportunity for dating my ex is closing because she is out of patience. So i have to choose between a stable relationship with my girlfriend which is not sexually satisfying or reuniting with my hotter ex that i have amazing sex with but is potentially less stable.
  • MangueMangue FranceMember Posts: 74
    Your ex is fine right now because she want you back and it's not serious yet (you're still with your girlfriend). But the second you "really" get back with her all the good thing will disapear and all the shit will come back.
    BlackwulfShepardelgringoamblrgirl
  • JellyBeanJellyBean Sunny SoCalGold Women Posts: 5,054
    Do you and your girlfriend have an open arrangement, or are you cheating on her?
    Enneagram type 9w1
    amblrgirlElisePersephoneshibari
  • elgringoelgringo VirginiaMember Posts: 71
    I was cheating on her. I was starting to feel guilty about it and i told my ex that I didn't feel comfortable continuing to see her while i have a girlfriend. And that's where the drama started.
Sign In or Register to comment.