Rico's MAP, again

RicoRico ArribaSilver Member Posts: 1,284
I've been putting this off for far too long.  I thought after delivering a phase 4 ultimatum two years ago things would be great, eventually. While my wife got the counseling she needed to deal with past sexual trauma, I'm still incredibly frustrated with the state of my sex life and life in general. Setbacks at work and setbacks with my wife's health has left me at my wits end.

So, it's MAPping time again. 

Physical

I've got decent muscle build, but the extra 20 pounds of fat I'm carrying does me no favors. Fully aware of *what* I need to do diet-wise, but actually making it happen long term has proved near-impossible.
  • REDREDREDRED: I average 2-3 sweets a day (peanut M&Ms, doughnuts, ice cream), not to mention diet sodas. Need to stop this entirely.
  • Yellow: Minimize the caffeine. Even one cup of coffee can leave me anxious and angry depending on my mental state.
  • Yellow: Prep the next day's breakfast, lunch and snacks every evening.
  • Yellow: Drink a lot more! (water, that is)
  • Yellow: Focus on lean meats, nuts, fruits, and vegetables
  • Yellow: Running 2-3x/week; aiming for a <30 minute 5K by Spring. 
  • Green: Weights 3x/week; let's break some PRs.  Bench bodyweight for reps, Deadlift 300 lbs. 

Money and Material

Not doing bad here, decent net worth and in good shape for retirement. But could be better, particularly in terms of career development.
  • Red: Stop wasting money on gazingus pins and junk food.
  • Red: Get a plan in place to exit current job within a year. Current job is comfortable, but is slowly sucking the life out of me.
  • Yellow: Get a comprehensive budget in place. If we can't pay cash for it, it doesn't get purchased.
  • Yellow: Not a lot of credit card debt, but it could be $0. Make it happen.
  • Yellow: Complete at least one project management certification by August, preferably two. 
  • Yellow: Research and enroll in MBA for fall 2016.
  • Green: Continue to save: retirement, college, car replacement, 10th anniversary cruise
  • Green: Continue to sell off things that aren't getting used; musical instruments, old computer gear, etc.

Displaying High Value

This may be the area I have the most trouble with conceptually.  I know a high value individual when I see one, I am just not clear how to get there myself. 
  • Red: Must not lose temper with the kids; can't let DD's button-pushing get to me.
  • Red: Lighten up. I used to be fun, and can summon it up from time to time, but it's far too easy to fall back into depression/anxiety/anger or some combination of the three. Need to make an appointment with a therapist, if my wife can ever be well enough to free up that money.
  • Red: Figure out how to lead; at home, at work, at church, with friends. Been passive for way too long.
  • Yellow: Determine what my frame is, and stick with it.  Don't be influenced by other people in an attempt to curry their favor.
  • Green: Been dressing better, but there's room for improvement.  Move from business casual to a more tailored/put together wardrobe, even when running errands on a Saturday morning.  More frequent haircuts.

Relationship Comfort

  • Red: Stop shutting down when things go badly.
  • Yellow: Anticipate needs at home and address them quickly.
  • Yellow: Figure out what the wife's needs are emotionally. She plays her cards very close to her chest, so that's going to take some work.
  • Yellow: Eliminate covert contracts. Definitely getting better here.
  • Yellow: Assume positive intentions. Too easy for me to assign negative intent towards wife's actions.
  • Green: Continue to put wife first (without pedestalizing)

Personality and Preferences

  • Red: Stop nerfing the personality.  This is a big one for me.  I have hidden who I really am from most people since puberty, and it has hurt my ability to connect with others. 
  • Red: Stop fake relaxation. Spending all day working on a computer, then coming home and doing the same thing to relax is kind of insane. I just don't know what to do with that time otherwise, yet.
  • Red: Control the electronic devices. I've always justified it as something I need to do for my job, but I can probably afford to detatch more than I think. And hopefully it will encourage the wife to do the same.
  • Yellow: Stop people pleasing. I think I've gotten better at this over the years, but the nice guy tendencies still surface from time to time.
  • Yellow: Learn personality type.  I'm pretty clearly an INTJ, but still not sure where I fall on the Enneagram.
  • Yellow: Decide what I want. This is a tough one for me.  I think I know what I want, but I seem to consistently get blocked and it doesn't open up other avenues (that I'm aware of).  But it's certainly something worth additional consideration.
  • Green: Do what energizes me. Work out. Read a book. Take the kids to a movie. Play guitar.

High-Energy Sex

  • Red: Stop blaming the wife about sex. Another big one for me. I know she can't control the medical issues that have hindered our sex life for years. Focusing negative energy on her isn't going to help matters.
  • Red: Stop faking sexual pleasure. Not sure how to address this one. My wife will gladly take care of me when needed (handjob, titjob), but it's SO BORING. No effort, no enthusiasm, no creativity. I don't tell her it's the greatest thing ever, but I feel like I'm enabling more of the same if I don't say anything. And if I'm not super horny, the lack of enthusiasm puts me in a bad mood for days afterwards.  Again, somehow need to address this.
  • Red: Stop outside sexual sources. Porn and masturbation are issues. I've managed to go for weeks and months at a time without porn, but then I'll fall back into it. It's come to a point where I'd rather masturbate rather than deal with the world's saddest handjob. Not sure if that's good or bad. Probably the latter. Either way, need to cut it out.
  • Red: Find the 30% that works. The same old same old is contributing to the lack of enthusiasm from both of us.
  • Yellow: Express myself. In the past I have been very quiet, though I am getting a little better at this. Need to continue to bring the dirty talk to bed.
  • Yellow: Play all day. While drive-bys are usually tolerated, and sometimes enjoyed, sexting has been met with a resounding *thud*.  So I need to figure out other ways to engage the wife during the day in a sexual manner when I'm at work. 
  • Yellow: Initiate more, and do it strongly. She knows what I'm going for with the soft initiations, might as well make it a hard initiation and skip the foreplay (which she doesn't seem to enjoy anyway).
Tagged:
BlueWolf
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Comments

  • redheaded_womanredheaded_woman USASilver Member Posts: 4,739
    Wow....so sorry you're going through that. I hope she finds relief soon.
    "Fuck yesterday, make tomorrow awesome." - Tennee
    mrsozzyScarlet
  • CartB4HorseCartB4Horse Southwest USASilver Member Posts: 4,155
    That's awesome @Rico - now you have something to shoot for.  I'd guess that you haven't given her much "positive frame" to work with.....  You can only imagine how well things will work in the near future.  Go out and get it!!

    Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol.  Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....

    “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl 

  • TenneeTennee Next Stop: AwesomevilleSilver Member Posts: 5,963
    Talk to me about this:

    "Red: Lighten up. I used to be fun, and can summon it up from time to time, but it's far too easy to fall back into depression/anxiety/anger or some combination of the three. "

    "Red: Stop nerfing the personality.  This is a big one for me.  I have hidden who I really am from most people since puberty, and it has hurt my ability to connect with others. "

    Finding that old me, and not nerfing him, was a critical step for me - cause that's who she dug in the first place.  You gotta dig down, and figure you why its 'far too easy' to stay the same vs. letting that old Rico out to play again. 
    "Fall down seven times, stand up eight"  Japanese Proverb

    How will you live well today?
  • RicoRico ArribaSilver Member Posts: 1,284
    That's awesome @Rico - now you have something to shoot for.  I'd guess that you haven't given her much "positive frame" to work with.....  You can only imagine how well things will work in the near future.  Go out and get it!!
    I thought I had been, but upon further reflection, I may be conflating strong leadership (which I think I'm pretty good at) with positive energy. Need to continue to bring the former while ramping up the latter.
  • RicoRico ArribaSilver Member Posts: 1,284
    Tennee said:
    Talk to me about this:

    "Red: Lighten up. I used to be fun, and can summon it up from time to time, but it's far too easy to fall back into depression/anxiety/anger or some combination of the three. "

    "Red: Stop nerfing the personality.  This is a big one for me.  I have hidden who I really am from most people since puberty, and it has hurt my ability to connect with others. "

    Finding that old me, and not nerfing him, was a critical step for me - cause that's who she dug in the first place.  You gotta dig down, and figure you why its 'far too easy' to stay the same vs. letting that old Rico out to play again. 
    Hm... I guess there's always been two sides to my personality... the stoic, analytical side, and the goofy wannabe rockstar side. Over time the stoic side has dominated as life's responsibilities took over. The stoic side is "safer."  I like safe, I like not having attention drawn to myself most of the time, so that's kind of where I settled.  Also, I feel like I'm too old to entertain the other side, like I should be more dignified and mature than that. But I know she responds positively when I let the goofy side out.

    As for nerfing the personality, I've always been somewhat embarrassed about my interests... old computers/video games, 80s heavy metal, pro wrestling, sci-fi, etc.  My wife knows about all that, but for the most part they haven't been things I've participated in with her, because she has absolutely no interest in those things.  For example, she refuses to go see Star Wars with me.  Not the end of the world, because I'm getting ready to see it with my team at work. Most movie I suggest are shot down because she doesn't like action, sci-fi, or animation. So I just end up going by myself or waiting for it to come out on video.  Same with concerts - I used to go all the time. But I don't anymore because she doesn't like them. I've tried to engage my friends to come along when she refuses, but they're all family men as well and it's tough to get away.

    I'd love to find more things that we could enjoy together (and have said as much to her on more than one occasion), but her interests seem to be very limited and she has little interest in expanding her horizons.
    Tennee
  • TenneeTennee Next Stop: AwesomevilleSilver Member Posts: 5,963
    edited December 2015
    @Rico said:

    Hm... I guess there's always been two sides to my personality... the stoic, analytical side, and the goofy wannabe rockstar side. Over time the stoic side has dominated as life's responsibilities took over. The stoic side is "safer."  I like safe, I like not having attention drawn to myself most of the time, so that's kind of where I settled.  Also, I feel like I'm too old to entertain the other side, like I should be more dignified and mature than that. But I know she responds positively when I let the goofy side out.
    So, let goofy, fun Rico out.  She likes this side of you - that's the side that got her panties off, remember? 

    Dude, I'm in my 40s, and I absolutely and thoroughly relish acting like a kid in a candy store as often as I can get away with it.  

    Why nerf that?  
    "Fall down seven times, stand up eight"  Japanese Proverb

    How will you live well today?
    CartB4Horse
  • RicoRico ArribaSilver Member Posts: 1,284
    Tennee said:
    @Rico said:

    Hm... I guess there's always been two sides to my personality... the stoic, analytical side, and the goofy wannabe rockstar side. Over time the stoic side has dominated as life's responsibilities took over. The stoic side is "safer."  I like safe, I like not having attention drawn to myself most of the time, so that's kind of where I settled.  Also, I feel like I'm too old to entertain the other side, like I should be more dignified and mature than that. But I know she responds positively when I let the goofy side out.
    So, let goofy, fun Rico out.  She likes this side of you - that's the side that got her panties off, remember? 

    Dude, I'm in my 40s, and I absolutely and thoroughly relish acting like a kid in a candy store as often as I can get away with it.  

    Why nerf that?  
    Good question. I've been suppressing it as long as I can remember. I don't want to, but the behavior is pretty deeply ingrained at this point. That's why it's a red :)
    Tennee
  • RicoRico ArribaSilver Member Posts: 1,284
    edited December 2015
    So, monkeys for this week:
    • Make an attempt at not eating every unhealthy thing I can get my hands on (but considering what week it is, I'm going to cut myself some slack here) and get a few workouts in.
    • Put work on the back-burner as much as possible and play with the kids as much as possible.  
    • Captain strongly through Christmas and the following week (visiting the in-laws), but lighten up enough to keep things fun.  Kids are going to be hyper and excited - let them.
    • Yes, money is currently being spent like there is no tomorrow despite saving throughout the year.  Don't let it stress me out too much.
    TenneeAngeline
  • RicoRico ArribaSilver Member Posts: 1,284
    edited December 2015
    Things have gone pretty well despite the medical setbacks. Wife's physical therapy is going well, and she's finally able to sleep through the night without Xanax. We had a good session the other night; was nice to know we could both get fulfilling Os despite the lack of PiV - in a way it was hotter than normal because we both really wanted it, but knew we couldn't/shouldn't.

    --

    I do most of the Christmas shopping, because my wife sucks at gifts. No biggie, because I enjoy doing it.  But it does always leave me a little deflated when her gifts for me show little to no thought.  The subject of my Christmas gift came up Sunday night, and somehow we settled on lingerie. Every time lingerie comes up, she says she doesn't get the appeal, and never thinks of putting it on despite a drawer full of the stuff.  I found a few suggestions and sent them her way.  I'm sure she'll go with the most conservative option, but baby steps, right?  Now I just need to be more proactive about getting her to wear it.

    I couldn't resist showing her the alleged dress; as expected she gaped, then rolled her eyes. But it was only $4, so it's going to find its way into her stocking, if only for the reaction it's bound to prompt B)

    --

    Been spending a lot of time with D6 this week; she's the stereotypical strong willed child, and knows exactly how to push my buttons. So I've been working on building positive memories as much as possible and letting the other stuff roll off my back. Just letting her watch me do mundane work stuff on the computer for an hour was surprisingly fun.
    Angelinenubby
  • AklattleAklattle Silver Member Posts: 127
    edited July 7
    When did you start IF?
  • RicoRico ArribaSilver Member Posts: 1,284
    Aklattle said:
    When did you start IF?
    I've done it off and on over the past couple of years.  Just started again a couple of weeks ago.
  • BlackwulfBlackwulf Leading the pack. Silver Member Posts: 1,782
    How often do you do it? I do it 2x per week for 24 hours (1 PM to 1PM) seems easier to me than just calorie counting. 
  • RicoRico ArribaSilver Member Posts: 1,284
    Blackwulf said:
    How often do you do it? I do it 2x per week for 24 hours (1 PM to 1PM) seems easier to me than just calorie counting. 
    I couldn't do a full 24 hours!  I eat 11 am - 7 pm every day.
  • BlackwulfBlackwulf Leading the pack. Silver Member Posts: 1,782
    I kind of psych myself up and just treat it like a mental workout.  Skipping dinner is the hardest part for me, once I wake up the next morning it is pretty easy until 12-1PM.  
    Rico
  • mrsthingmrsthing New YorkMember Posts: 258
    @Rico I am so happy to hear your wife got the help she needed regarding her past sexual abuse.  Has she stopped therapy though?  It sounds like she may have? 

    Although no two cases are the same of course, it took me years and years to get to the place I am at with sexual abuse that ended over 25 years ago.  I was constantly claiming I was "fine, totally recovered" only to find out that I wasn't.  Things kept creeping into my life, triggered by all sorts of random things.  For example, I had such trouble learning to drive b/c some things happened to me in a car.  Once I realized what the issue was and accepted it, I didn't have the association any longer.  I love driving now.

    I had some medical issues too - nothing like what your wife has had to deal with - but I am sure that my past played a part.

    Painful sex was a huge issue.  Also I wasn't enthusiastic about sex in the past - I don't think my H found me boring, but he was super vanilla when we met.  I am very open but I haven't always been "into" it.  I learned that for me this stemmed from sexual abuse.  I needed to go somewhere else in my mind during sex, so I seemed less than excited about it even if I did it, even if I liked it.  It took a long time for me to separate sex and what happened to me when I was abused, and to let myself enjoy giving and receiving pleasure.

    For me what helped - and again, this is my experience only - was the fact that my H told me over and over that he was fine with whatever happened sexually - I could stop anytime, if PIV hurt then fine.  But what also helped me was that he told me he was NOT fine with was that I seemed to be somewhere else when we were physical together. He was honest and that was huge for me. He was understanding and patient, but he also didn't treat me like an abused and broken little girl but like a woman who was fully in control of her life and body. He did this in other ways too.  THAT helped me heal more than anything.




    nubbyShepardfordsvt
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