I've been putting this off for far too long. I thought after delivering a phase 4 ultimatum two years ago things would be great, eventually. While my wife got the counseling she needed to deal with past sexual trauma, I'm still incredibly frustrated with the state of my sex life and life in general. Setbacks at work and setbacks with my wife's health has left me at my wits end.
So, it's MAPping time again.
Physical
I've got decent muscle build, but the extra 20 pounds of fat I'm carrying does me no favors. Fully aware of *what* I need to do diet-wise, but actually making it happen long term has proved near-impossible.
- REDREDREDRED: I average 2-3 sweets a day (peanut M&Ms, doughnuts, ice cream), not to mention diet sodas. Need to stop this entirely.
- Yellow: Minimize the caffeine. Even one cup of coffee can leave me anxious and angry depending on my mental state.
- Yellow: Prep the next day's breakfast, lunch and snacks every evening.
- Yellow: Drink a lot more! (water, that is)
- Yellow: Focus on lean meats, nuts, fruits, and vegetables
- Yellow: Running 2-3x/week; aiming for a <30 minute 5K by Spring.
- Green: Weights 3x/week; let's break some PRs. Bench bodyweight for reps, Deadlift 300 lbs.
Money and Material
Not doing bad here, decent net worth and in good shape for retirement. But could be better, particularly in terms of career development.
- Red: Stop wasting money on gazingus pins and junk food.
- Red: Get a plan in place to exit current job within a year. Current job is comfortable, but is slowly sucking the life out of me.
- Yellow: Get a comprehensive budget in place. If we can't pay cash for it, it doesn't get purchased.
- Yellow: Not a lot of credit card debt, but it could be $0. Make it happen.
- Yellow: Complete at least one project management certification by August, preferably two.
- Yellow: Research and enroll in MBA for fall 2016.
- Green: Continue to save: retirement, college, car replacement, 10th anniversary cruise
- Green: Continue to sell off things that aren't getting used; musical instruments, old computer gear, etc.
Displaying High Value
This may be the area I have the most trouble with conceptually. I know a high value individual when I see one, I am just not clear how to get there myself.
- Red: Must not lose temper with the kids; can't let DD's button-pushing get to me.
- Red: Lighten up. I used to be fun, and can summon it up from time to time, but it's far too easy to fall back into depression/anxiety/anger or some combination of the three. Need to make an appointment with a therapist, if my wife can ever be well enough to free up that money.
- Red: Figure out how to lead; at home, at work, at church, with friends. Been passive for way too long.
- Yellow: Determine what my frame is, and stick with it. Don't be influenced by other people in an attempt to curry their favor.
- Green: Been dressing better, but there's room for improvement. Move from business casual to a more tailored/put together wardrobe, even when running errands on a Saturday morning. More frequent haircuts.
Relationship Comfort
- Red: Stop shutting down when things go badly.
- Yellow: Anticipate needs at home and address them quickly.
- Yellow: Figure out what the wife's needs are emotionally. She plays her cards very close to her chest, so that's going to take some work.
- Yellow: Eliminate covert contracts. Definitely getting better here.
- Yellow: Assume positive intentions. Too easy for me to assign negative intent towards wife's actions.
- Green: Continue to put wife first (without pedestalizing)
Personality and Preferences
- Red: Stop nerfing the personality. This is a big one for me. I have hidden who I really am from most people since puberty, and it has hurt my ability to connect with others.
- Red: Stop fake relaxation. Spending all day working on a computer, then coming home and doing the same thing to relax is kind of insane. I just don't know what to do with that time otherwise, yet.
- Red: Control the electronic devices. I've always justified it as something I need to do for my job, but I can probably afford to detatch more than I think. And hopefully it will encourage the wife to do the same.
- Yellow: Stop people pleasing. I think I've gotten better at this over the years, but the nice guy tendencies still surface from time to time.
- Yellow: Learn personality type. I'm pretty clearly an INTJ, but still not sure where I fall on the Enneagram.
- Yellow: Decide what I want. This is a tough one for me. I think I know what I want, but I seem to consistently get blocked and it doesn't open up other avenues (that I'm aware of). But it's certainly something worth additional consideration.
- Green: Do what energizes me. Work out. Read a book. Take the kids to a movie. Play guitar.
High-Energy Sex
- Red: Stop blaming the wife about sex. Another big one for me. I know she can't control the medical issues that have hindered our sex life for years. Focusing negative energy on her isn't going to help matters.
- Red: Stop faking sexual pleasure. Not sure how to address this one. My wife will gladly take care of me when needed (handjob, titjob), but it's SO BORING. No effort, no enthusiasm, no creativity. I don't tell her it's the greatest thing ever, but I feel like I'm enabling more of the same if I don't say anything. And if I'm not super horny, the lack of enthusiasm puts me in a bad mood for days afterwards. Again, somehow need to address this.
- Red: Stop outside sexual sources. Porn and masturbation are issues. I've managed to go for weeks and months at a time without porn, but then I'll fall back into it. It's come to a point where I'd rather masturbate rather than deal with the world's saddest handjob. Not sure if that's good or bad. Probably the latter. Either way, need to cut it out.
- Red: Find the 30% that works. The same old same old is contributing to the lack of enthusiasm from both of us.
- Yellow: Express myself. In the past I have been very quiet, though I am getting a little better at this. Need to continue to bring the dirty talk to bed.
- Yellow: Play all day. While drive-bys are usually tolerated, and sometimes enjoyed, sexting has been met with a resounding *thud*. So I need to figure out other ways to engage the wife during the day in a sexual manner when I'm at work.
- Yellow: Initiate more, and do it strongly. She knows what I'm going for with the soft initiations, might as well make it a hard initiation and skip the foreplay (which she doesn't seem to enjoy anyway).
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So what's next... the three monkeys for the week?
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
I've been working ridiculous hours this week trying to wrap up before Christmas break, so I haven't spent much time at home. My yearly performance review was again about as good as it could possibly be. Which is both good and has me banging my head against the wall. But it's better than a bad review.
Despite my absence from home most of this week, my wife definitely picked up on my frustration over everything. She and D6 went to see the Nutcracker last night, and I was able to decompress some after S3 went to bed and was in a better place than I have been in several days. Once we turned in for the night, we had a good long discussion... I didn't bring up my frustrations with the lack of sex specifically, but we discussed a couple of ways to test the waters on her before the gynecologist appointment next month. And it was nice just to be able to talk about deeper issues than the typical surface-level topics we usually discuss.
Got a few hours of sleep, but I had to get into work early this morning. After grabbing some coffee and checking the interwebs, I headed to the shower. The wife was already in there, which I wasn't expecting - she typically doesn't shower until after I leave for work.
I've always been hesitant to jump in the shower with her because {sexual trauma reasons}. But I legitimately needed to shower right away, and figured it couldn't hurt. She didn't complain, so that was a win. I truly wasn't planning on anything other than some non-sexual naked time together, but after we had both washed up, she sat down on the seat and commenced to suck. Now I haven't had a proper blowjob in a year and a half, and I certainly wasn't expecting anything this morning, particularly since the kids would be storming downstairs at any moment. Sure enough, D6 starts banging on the door before we could finish, but I'm not going to complain.
Lots of praise and encouragement from me afterwards, saying how much I enjoyed it and that even a little bit of oral as part of foreplay goes a long way. We'll see if anything changes going forward; the unprompted blowjobs tend to only happen when she thinks I'm upset. I'm pretty even-keeled most of the time, so I don't know if it's dread, a dopamine rush from unexpected behavior from me, or what. But I haven't been able to get this to happen more often from a positive frame, rather than a negative one - it's been a tough nut to crack.
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
"Red: Lighten up. I used to be fun, and can summon it up from time to time, but it's far too easy to fall back into depression/anxiety/anger or some combination of the three. "
"Red: Stop nerfing the personality. This is a big one for me. I have hidden who I really am from most people since puberty, and it has hurt my ability to connect with others. "
Finding that old me, and not nerfing him, was a critical step for me - cause that's who she dug in the first place. You gotta dig down, and figure you why its 'far too easy' to stay the same vs. letting that old Rico out to play again.
How will you live well today?
As for nerfing the personality, I've always been somewhat embarrassed about my interests... old computers/video games, 80s heavy metal, pro wrestling, sci-fi, etc. My wife knows about all that, but for the most part they haven't been things I've participated in with her, because she has absolutely no interest in those things. For example, she refuses to go see Star Wars with me. Not the end of the world, because I'm getting ready to see it with my team at work. Most movie I suggest are shot down because she doesn't like action, sci-fi, or animation. So I just end up going by myself or waiting for it to come out on video. Same with concerts - I used to go all the time. But I don't anymore because she doesn't like them. I've tried to engage my friends to come along when she refuses, but they're all family men as well and it's tough to get away.
I'd love to find more things that we could enjoy together (and have said as much to her on more than one occasion), but her interests seem to be very limited and she has little interest in expanding her horizons.
Dude, I'm in my 40s, and I absolutely and thoroughly relish acting like a kid in a candy store as often as I can get away with it.
Why nerf that?
How will you live well today?
--
I do most of the Christmas shopping, because my wife sucks at gifts. No biggie, because I enjoy doing it. But it does always leave me a little deflated when her gifts for me show little to no thought. The subject of my Christmas gift came up Sunday night, and somehow we settled on lingerie. Every time lingerie comes up, she says she doesn't get the appeal, and never thinks of putting it on despite a drawer full of the stuff. I found a few suggestions and sent them her way. I'm sure she'll go with the most conservative option, but baby steps, right? Now I just need to be more proactive about getting her to wear it.
I couldn't resist showing her the alleged dress; as expected she gaped, then rolled her eyes. But it was only $4, so it's going to find its way into her stocking, if only for the reaction it's bound to prompt
--
Been spending a lot of time with D6 this week; she's the stereotypical strong willed child, and knows exactly how to push my buttons. So I've been working on building positive memories as much as possible and letting the other stuff roll off my back. Just letting her watch me do mundane work stuff on the computer for an hour was surprisingly fun.
So, monkeys:
- Get an appointment to see a counselor/psychologist
- Stick to an intermittent fasting schedule and cut out the sugar
- Make some headway in figuring out the next career steps
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
Although no two cases are the same of course, it took me years and years to get to the place I am at with sexual abuse that ended over 25 years ago. I was constantly claiming I was "fine, totally recovered" only to find out that I wasn't. Things kept creeping into my life, triggered by all sorts of random things. For example, I had such trouble learning to drive b/c some things happened to me in a car. Once I realized what the issue was and accepted it, I didn't have the association any longer. I love driving now.
I had some medical issues too - nothing like what your wife has had to deal with - but I am sure that my past played a part.
Painful sex was a huge issue. Also I wasn't enthusiastic about sex in the past - I don't think my H found me boring, but he was super vanilla when we met. I am very open but I haven't always been "into" it. I learned that for me this stemmed from sexual abuse. I needed to go somewhere else in my mind during sex, so I seemed less than excited about it even if I did it, even if I liked it. It took a long time for me to separate sex and what happened to me when I was abused, and to let myself enjoy giving and receiving pleasure.
For me what helped - and again, this is my experience only - was the fact that my H told me over and over that he was fine with whatever happened sexually - I could stop anytime, if PIV hurt then fine. But what also helped me was that he told me he was NOT fine with was that I seemed to be somewhere else when we were physical together. He was honest and that was huge for me. He was understanding and patient, but he also didn't treat me like an abused and broken little girl but like a woman who was fully in control of her life and body. He did this in other ways too. THAT helped me heal more than anything.