Rico's MAP, again

2

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  • RicoRico ArribaSilver Member Posts: 1,284
    edited July 7
    mrsthing said:
    @Rico I am so happy to hear your wife got the help she needed regarding her past sexual abuse.  Has she stopped therapy though?  It sounds like she may have? 

    Although no two cases are the same of course, it took me years and years to get to the place I am at with sexual abuse that ended over 25 years ago.  I was constantly claiming I was "fine, totally recovered" only to find out that I wasn't.  Things kept creeping into my life, triggered by all sorts of random things.  For example, I had such trouble learning to drive b/c some things happened to me in a car.  Once I realized what the issue was and accepted it, I didn't have the association any longer.  I love driving now.

    I had some medical issues too - nothing like what your wife has had to deal with - but I am sure that my past played a part.

    Painful sex was a huge issue.  Also I wasn't enthusiastic about sex in the past - I don't think my H found me boring, but he was super vanilla when we met.  I am very open but I haven't always been "into" it.  I learned that for me this stemmed from sexual abuse.  I needed to go somewhere else in my mind during sex, so I seemed less than excited about it even if I did it, even if I liked it.  It took a long time for me to separate sex and what happened to me when I was abused, and to let myself enjoy giving and receiving pleasure.

    For me what helped - and again, this is my experience only - was the fact that my H told me over and over that he was fine with whatever happened sexually - I could stop anytime, if PIV hurt then fine.  But what also helped me was that he told me he was NOT fine with was that I seemed to be somewhere else when we were physical together. He was honest and that was huge for me. He was understanding and patient, but he also didn't treat me like an abused and broken little girl but like a woman who was fully in control of her life and body. He did this in other ways too.  THAT helped me heal more than anything.
    Thanks for your insight; I'm glad things are going well for you!

    Yes, she wrapped up the counseling about a year ago.  While she is still on a handful of various medications, she is working with her psychiatrist to wean off of them sloowwwwwly. So far, so good. She's talking about making an appointment with an anti-aging doctor that her friend recommended, so hopefully that will help move things in the right direction as well. 

    Mentally she seems in a better place with sex; in the past it would take 30+ minutes of manual stim (mostly so she could get out of her head) for PIV to work. While that still happens once in a while, it's the exception rather than the rule.  So that's a big improvement as well. She's still completely against given oral unless the planets align *just* right, but I admit I haven't been particularly attractive this year due to my own mental issues.

    Physically, she had hip surgery in May, so PIV has been off the table until this past weekend. She'll need to have the same surgery on the other hip late this year, so that'll be another 6+ weeks out of commission in the near future. 




    TenneefrillyfunCartB4HorseHildaCorners
  • RicoRico ArribaSilver Member Posts: 1,284
    As far as diet goes, good intentions simply aren't enough.  Restricting eating to between 11-7 is fine, but the quality of food I'm eating is pretty low. I need to start planning and preparing my meals ahead of time, otherwise it's too easy to reach for the junk food at work.
    Angelinetry_red_pillTennee
  • CartB4HorseCartB4Horse Southwest USASilver Member Posts: 4,155
    How available is the junk food at work?  Can you cut it out completely and just bring a healthy lunch?

    Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol.  Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....

    “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl 

  • RicoRico ArribaSilver Member Posts: 1,284
    edited July 15
    How available is the junk food at work?  Can you cut it out completely and just bring a healthy lunch?
    Let's put it this way - I'm one of the skinniest people here (aside from college interns), and I'm 20 pounds overweight. Donuts, cakes, cookies all over the place, all the time. 

    It's not so much lunch, as it is the grazing the rest of time. I bring my own lunch 3-4 days a week, but the temptation of everything else around me is hard to bear.  I need to have easily accessible, healthy snacks around me.
    Angeline
  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    Rico said:
    Let's put it this way - I'm one of the skinniest people here (aside from college interns), and I'm 20 pounds overweight. Donuts, cakes, cookies all over the place, all the time.
    I once worked in an office like that, and found a trick to not eating the junky carbs.

    I picked he poison I liked the least ... in that case, it was the donuts.* So, on donut days, I'd have nothing, but I did have a snack on bagel days. [The two alternated, plus the random home baked goodies.] That cut out half my junk eating.

    I realized recently that I really don't like cake much, either. That makes it easy to cut out cake and cupcakes. [Maria, I'm sure Austrian cake is better than American sweetened white flour foam.] Unfortunately, I still love cookies, can't win everything.


    * If you've ever had a donut fresh from the deep fryer, you'll be spoiled for life. Those taste so wonderful standard donuts taste old and stale in comparison. It made it very easy to give up the box of Dunk's.

    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
    Ricotry_red_pill
  • RicoRico ArribaSilver Member Posts: 1,284
    edited August 26
    Ugh... at a real low point right now. The wife's non-stop health issues interfering with our sex life is grinding down on me like never before.

    On top of everything else, both kids and the wife came down with strep this week. So I've been playing nurse/cook/housekeeper as well. 

    To her credit, she's offered to "take care of me" for the past three nights, but seriously... when she has strep on top of whatever the fuck is going on with her lungs and/or heart? Nope. 

    And even if she was better, I just can't work up any enthusiasm for yet another by-the-books handjob. Once in a while is fine, but it's become the norm. Rather than relieving any pressure, I just get more resentful at the lack of a normal sex life.

    I realize it could always be worse - these forums are proof. If she were doing something truly awful such as cheating, completely ignoring my needs, abusing the kids, etc. I would have a moral leg to stand on and seriously contemplate divorce.  But it's not her fault, so pulling the ripcord over this would make me the asshole.

    For 11 years now I've tried to keep positive... after we get issue X resolved, things will get back to normal, etc.  But there's *always* something else. Always.
    try_red_pillBlueWolf
  • try_red_pilltry_red_pill Silver Member Posts: 713
    That sucks big time,  I  remember feeling similar pre and early MAP.

    Have to remember you can change her, just you and it's a huge positive she's throwing you the offer of a HJ. You will get there if you take the time.
    Dharma, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
    Progress not perfection.

    BlackwulfBlueWolf
  • fordsvtfordsvt Canada Eh!Silver Member Posts: 2,300
    @Rico good on you for working on your health issues. Just stay the course and it's going to be a successful journey. Same for your wife as well 

    Into Phase 3..

    Those Who Dare......Win.   "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."

    BlueWolf
  • fordsvtfordsvt Canada Eh!Silver Member Posts: 2,300
    @Rico good on you for working on your health issues. Just stay the course and it's going to be a successful journey. Same for your wife as well 

    Into Phase 3..

    Those Who Dare......Win.   "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."

  • CartB4HorseCartB4Horse Southwest USASilver Member Posts: 4,155
    @fordsvt - Deja vu?

    Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol.  Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....

    “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl 

    Tennee
  • SerenitySerenity Senior Moderator** Posts: 11,358
    Hey @Rico.

    IIRC, you're on supplemental testosterone. Where do you keep your levels?

    If you're anywhere under 500-600, bumping your T up might help alleviate your depression.

    Also, have you considered Wellbutrin (buproprion) rather than a traditional SSRI? It works on the dopamine center rather than the serotonin center. It doesn't have the sexual side effects that SSRI's do, and can actually improve sex. 

    It also doesn't have the normal weight gain side effects; in fact, people generally tend to lose a bit of weight with Wellbutrin.
    amblrgirlRico
  • RicoRico ArribaSilver Member Posts: 1,284
    @Serenity:

    I had my T checked last month; I can't find the results right now, but it's typically in the 700s and I'm pretty sure that was the case this time as well. 

    The depressive swings aren't as bad as they were a couple of months ago, but my sex drive is definitely lower than it's been.  I haven't been sleeping well at all, so I'm sure that's a contributing factor to both.

    Re: Wellbutrin.  I got back on the SSRI wagon primarily for anxiety, and from past experience, Wellbutrin by itself makes anxiety worse.  No bueno. 

    However, I have a follow-up appointment in December and plan on asking about adding Wellbutrin to the mix if things don't improve.

    The good news is it doesn't seem to be affecting my appetite. I'm down to 200 even; I have my annual physical in two weeks, and while that's probably not enough time to radically improve some of these warning signs, at least I can point to my weight and show it's heading in the right direction.
    fordsvttry_red_pill
  • SerenitySerenity Senior Moderator** Posts: 11,358
    Yeah, if you struggle with anxiety, Wellbutrin may very well make it worse. 

    Make sure they check your prolactin and pregnenolone levels when you do your blood work, as both can impact mood and sex drive.

    Re: Wellbutrin.  I got back on the SSRI wagon primarily for anxiety, and from past experience, Wellbutrin by itself makes anxiety worse.  No bueno. 
    Ricotry_red_pillAngelineTennee
  • RicoRico ArribaSilver Member Posts: 1,284
    Thanks - unfortunately the blood draw was done before I saw your post, but I'm sure they'll find another reason to stick me soon enough :)

    I'm getting frustrated with Viibryd (the SSRI). Lots of side-effects, little desired effect. The anxiety came roaring back this weekend, despite the fact that I've been ramping up since early September and on the full dosage for 2.5 weeks. My follow up appointment isn't for another month, so I suppose I should just ride it out until then.  :|

    Weight loss is slowing, but still heading in the right direction. The wife commented on it being easier for her to get her arms around my waist, and my pants are definitely looser.
    AngelineTenneeLenny
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