@Rico I am so happy to hear your wife got the help she needed regarding her past sexual abuse. Has she stopped therapy though? It sounds like she may have?
Although no two cases are the same of course, it took me years and years to get to the place I am at with sexual abuse that ended over 25 years ago. I was constantly claiming I was "fine, totally recovered" only to find out that I wasn't. Things kept creeping into my life, triggered by all sorts of random things. For example, I had such trouble learning to drive b/c some things happened to me in a car. Once I realized what the issue was and accepted it, I didn't have the association any longer. I love driving now.
I had some medical issues too - nothing like what your wife has had to deal with - but I am sure that my past played a part.
Painful sex was a huge issue. Also I wasn't enthusiastic about sex in the past - I don't think my H found me boring, but he was super vanilla when we met. I am very open but I haven't always been "into" it. I learned that for me this stemmed from sexual abuse. I needed to go somewhere else in my mind during sex, so I seemed less than excited about it even if I did it, even if I liked it. It took a long time for me to separate sex and what happened to me when I was abused, and to let myself enjoy giving and receiving pleasure.
For me what helped - and again, this is my experience only - was the fact that my H told me over and over that he was fine with whatever happened sexually - I could stop anytime, if PIV hurt then fine. But what also helped me was that he told me he was NOT fine with was that I seemed to be somewhere else when we were physical together. He was honest and that was huge for me. He was understanding and patient, but he also didn't treat me like an abused and broken little girl but like a woman who was fully in control of her life and body. He did this in other ways too. THAT helped me heal more than anything.
Thanks for your insight; I'm glad things are going well for you!
Yes, she wrapped up the counseling about a year ago. While she is still on a handful of various medications, she is working with her psychiatrist to wean off of them sloowwwwwly. So far, so good. She's talking about making an appointment with an anti-aging doctor that her friend recommended, so hopefully that will help move things in the right direction as well.
Mentally she seems in a better place with sex; in the past it would take 30+ minutes of manual stim (mostly so she could get out of her head) for PIV to work. While that still happens once in a while, it's the exception rather than the rule. So that's a big improvement as well. She's still completely against given oral unless the planets align *just* right, but I admit I haven't been particularly attractive this year due to my own mental issues.
Physically, she had hip surgery in May, so PIV has been off the table until this past weekend. She'll need to have the same surgery on the other hip late this year, so that'll be another 6+ weeks out of commission in the near future.
Seven months later, negative MAP progress unfortunately. Around the time of my last post, anxiety/depression hit hard and has not let up since. There are moments when the clouds part, but they are fleeting.
So, monkeys:
- Get an appointment to see a counselor/psychologist
- Stick to an intermittent fasting schedule and cut out the sugar
- Make some headway in figuring out the next career steps
Made an appointment with a psychologist the end of the month. I really don't want to go the medication route if I don't have to, so I may not stick with him for long. But he is well-reviewed on the various "rate a doctor" websites and hopefully can point me in the right direction.
A couple of friends and I are doing an outdoor acoustic show this weekend; I haven't played any gigs (outside of church worship) in over a year, so that should be fun. Gives me something to look forward to.
Despite her protestations that S3 would hear/barge in/freak out, W and I managed to bang out a quickie yesterday afternoon while he watched Umizoomi. Apparently it's a very interesting show.
As far as diet goes, good intentions simply aren't enough. Restricting eating to between 11-7 is fine, but the quality of food I'm eating is pretty low. I need to start planning and preparing my meals ahead of time, otherwise it's too easy to reach for the junk food at work.
How available is the junk food at work? Can you cut it out completely and just bring a healthy lunch?
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
How available is the junk food at work? Can you cut it out completely and just bring a healthy lunch?
Let's put it this way - I'm one of the skinniest people here (aside from college interns), and I'm 20 pounds overweight. Donuts, cakes, cookies all over the place, all the time.
It's not so much lunch, as it is the grazing the rest of time. I bring my own lunch 3-4 days a week, but the temptation of everything else around me is hard to bear. I need to have easily accessible, healthy snacks around me.
Another minor barrier overcome... we spend a week or two at my in-laws lakehouse every summer. The wife has always been against any sort of sexual activity when visiting her parents, even when we were newly married.
The past couple of years I managed to get a HJ or two while we were here, but PIV was still off the table. Until last night... despite bad garlic breath on my part
Had my psychiatrist appointment last week; he prescribed a low dose daily SSRI and a benzo as needed. Since he feels my anxiety is generalized rather than focused on a single issue, he didn't think counseling would be much help. We'll see how the meds do, but I still think I would benefit from talking some stuff out.
No benefit from the prescriptions yet as SSRIs take a while to kick in. Though I did have a really hard time popping during a HJ two nights ago, despite no sexual activity since the 21st - which I had a problem with last time I was on SSRIs. Hopefully it was a fluke.
Between vacation and my kids' back-to-back birthdays, my diet has been crap lately. Packed a paleo lunch for today and got a decent workout in this morning. Gotta stick with it; my anxiety keeps yelling "Heart attack" and "Diabetes" at me, so I guess it's good for something
Sex has been sporadic; as is the custom, once one health issue clears up, another arises. The wife is off crutches and getting around well now, but in the meantime she's developed pleurisy, which is making it difficult for her to breathe. So PIV is going to be minimal until that gets cleared up. She saw a pulmonologist earlier this week and is currently on a steroid regimen which will hopefully knock it out for good.
We had a discussion during vacation about appearance and how we present ourselves; she would wear sweats and flipflops out in public given her choice. To her credit she has been dressing nicer since then, and got an expensive haircut for free (secret shopper for a friend), so good on her. She'll eventually slide back into old habits - not sure how to keep up the momentum other than positive reinforcement by making a big deal about how nice she looks and making an effort to take her out shopping on a regular basis.
Monkeys:
- Cut out the sugar - Daily workouts, no matter how tired/unmotivated I am - Use downtime productively; read books, take online classes, practice music, organize my office, get stuff listed on Amazon/eBay, etc.
The anxiety seems to be easing a bit, but depression still remains. Got my follow-up appointment in a couple of weeks to tweak the dosage. Thankfully appetite and sex drive remain consistent.
I was offered a position on another team at work; one that I would be very good at, but the people on that team would have me wanting to put a gun in my mouth. I spoke to my current supervisor just to get the lay of the land, and she was very supportive of the work I was currently doing, and said she saw me taking over whenever she retires. Though that could be a while, so I'm not holding my breath. But was nice to hear I'm on the right rack.
I was 210 after vacation last month; weighed in at 204 this morning. One of my fitness goals is to be able to bench press my weight for multiple sets - something I've never been able to do before. I did 185 for 5x5 last week; I'm hoping I'll be able to clear 195 by the end of this week.
My wife's chest/breathing issues continue... a stress EKG showed an irregularity. We met with a pulmonologist, and he wasn't terribly concerned, but she has some more tests on Friday. He thinks it's more likely she is suffering from chemical burn in her lungs due to a DIY hair dye. If that's the case, not much we can do other than ride it out.
We had our first official "marriage meeting" Saturday, which we're going to try to do every weekend ( http://www.artofmanliness.com/2016/06/08/how-and-why-to-hold-a-weekly-marriage-meeting/ ). It went well; during the "appreciation" part, she said she appreciated my understanding due to the overall lack of intimacy this past year. At least she recognizes it - better than nothing, I suppose, but I'm ready for this very long drought to be over.
Monkeys:
- Inject more fun in the marriage & family
- Find other ways to interact with friends/peers besides music
Let's put it this way - I'm one of the skinniest people here (aside from college interns), and I'm 20 pounds overweight. Donuts, cakes, cookies all over the place, all the time.
I once worked in an office like that, and found a trick to not eating the junky carbs.
I picked he poison I liked the least ... in that case, it was the donuts.* So, on donut days, I'd have nothing, but I did have a snack on bagel days. [The two alternated, plus the random home baked goodies.] That cut out half my junk eating.
I realized recently that I really don't like cake much, either. That makes it easy to cut out cake and cupcakes. [Maria, I'm sure Austrian cake is better than American sweetened white flour foam.] Unfortunately, I still love cookies, can't win everything.
* If you've ever had a donut fresh from the deep fryer, you'll be spoiled for life. Those taste so wonderful standard donuts taste old and stale in comparison. It made it very easy to give up the box of Dunk's.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
Ugh... at a real low point right now. The wife's non-stop health issues interfering with our sex life is grinding down on me like never before.
On top of everything else, both kids and the wife came down with strep this week. So I've been playing nurse/cook/housekeeper as well.
To her credit, she's offered to "take care of me" for the past three nights, but seriously... when she has strep on top of whatever the fuck is going on with her lungs and/or heart? Nope.
And even if she was better, I just can't work up any enthusiasm for yet another by-the-books handjob. Once in a while is fine, but it's become the norm. Rather than relieving any pressure, I just get more resentful at the lack of a normal sex life.
I realize it could always be worse - these forums are proof. If she were doing something truly awful such as cheating, completely ignoring my needs, abusing the kids, etc. I would have a moral leg to stand on and seriously contemplate divorce. But it's not her fault, so pulling the ripcord over this would make me the asshole.
For 11 years now I've tried to keep positive... after we get issue X resolved, things will get back to normal, etc. But there's *always* something else. Always.
That sucks big time, I remember feeling similar pre and early MAP.
Have to remember you can change her, just you and it's a huge positive she's throwing you the offer of a HJ. You will get there if you take the time.
Dharma, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Progress not perfection.
Had my followup appointment with the psychiatrist last month. I mentioned the dramatic depressive/obsessive swings I was having (see my last post for an example...), and they said that was normal while ramping up on the SSRI. Would've been nice to be informed of that up front, but whatever. At least I now know what to expect until I get to the dosage he wants me at.
After seeing several specialists, my wife's health issues continue to be a mystery. They've ruled out anything life-threatening or even mildly concerning, so it's just an annoyance at this point. It does seem to be improving, and she's back to running after six months post-hip surgery.
A big red now is my own health. I've had high cholesterol for a while, but at a doctor app't. last week it turns out I have high blood pressure as well. The warning signs are there - if I want to be around for my family, it's now or never. My body is rebelling against heavy lifting, so I'm focusing on running at the moment and doing what I can weight-wise. And diet. Trying hard to cut out the sugar.
Things are better on the marriage-wise. We've been holding marriage meetings every week which has helped us connect, particularly the "Appreciation" part.
We went on a weekend getaway last week and had a good time. And we're going on a cruise next month, so we're pretty excited about that.
The wife has started botox and is looking into other treatments as well. She seems pleased with the results so far, as am I.
Sex is OK; we're averaging about once per week. I'd prefer it be more frequent, but that's on me. Getting up early every morning at 5 to work out leaves me drained and falling asleep on the couch before 9 most nights. She sprung a blowjob on me about a month ago, and on our vacation last weekend we made good use of the hot tub - something she wouldn't have been up for in the past. The downside is that sex is less fulfilling in general lately. I'm wondering if it's the SSRI at work. Either way, I'm hoping that getting in better shape will improve things on that front.
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
IIRC, you're on supplemental testosterone. Where do you keep your levels?
If you're anywhere under 500-600, bumping your T up might help alleviate your depression.
Also, have you considered Wellbutrin (buproprion) rather than a traditional SSRI? It works on the dopamine center rather than the serotonin center. It doesn't have the sexual side effects that SSRI's do, and can actually improve sex.
It also doesn't have the normal weight gain side effects; in fact, people generally tend to lose a bit of weight with Wellbutrin.
I had my T checked last month; I can't find the results right now, but it's typically in the 700s and I'm pretty sure that was the case this time as well.
The depressive swings aren't as bad as they were a couple of months ago, but my sex drive is definitely lower than it's been. I haven't been sleeping well at all, so I'm sure that's a contributing factor to both.
Re: Wellbutrin. I got back on the SSRI wagon primarily for anxiety, and from past experience, Wellbutrin by itself makes anxiety worse. No bueno.
However, I have a follow-up appointment in December and plan on asking about adding Wellbutrin to the mix if things don't improve.
The good news is it doesn't seem to be affecting my appetite. I'm down to 200 even; I have my annual physical in two weeks, and while that's probably not enough time to radically improve some of these warning signs, at least I can point to my weight and show it's heading in the right direction.
Thanks - unfortunately the blood draw was done before I saw your post, but I'm sure they'll find another reason to stick me soon enough
I'm getting frustrated with Viibryd (the SSRI). Lots of side-effects, little desired effect. The anxiety came roaring back this weekend, despite the fact that I've been ramping up since early September and on the full dosage for 2.5 weeks. My follow up appointment isn't for another month, so I suppose I should just ride it out until then.
Weight loss is slowing, but still heading in the right direction. The wife commented on it being easier for her to get her arms around my waist, and my pants are definitely looser.
Comments
Yes, she wrapped up the counseling about a year ago. While she is still on a handful of various medications, she is working with her psychiatrist to wean off of them sloowwwwwly. So far, so good. She's talking about making an appointment with an anti-aging doctor that her friend recommended, so hopefully that will help move things in the right direction as well.
Mentally she seems in a better place with sex; in the past it would take 30+ minutes of manual stim (mostly so she could get out of her head) for PIV to work. While that still happens once in a while, it's the exception rather than the rule. So that's a big improvement as well. She's still completely against given oral unless the planets align *just* right, but I admit I haven't been particularly attractive this year due to my own mental issues.
Physically, she had hip surgery in May, so PIV has been off the table until this past weekend. She'll need to have the same surgery on the other hip late this year, so that'll be another 6+ weeks out of commission in the near future.
Made an appointment with a psychologist the end of the month. I really don't want to go the medication route if I don't have to, so I may not stick with him for long. But he is well-reviewed on the various "rate a doctor" websites and hopefully can point me in the right direction.
A couple of friends and I are doing an outdoor acoustic show this weekend; I haven't played any gigs (outside of church worship) in over a year, so that should be fun. Gives me something to look forward to.
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
It's not so much lunch, as it is the grazing the rest of time. I bring my own lunch 3-4 days a week, but the temptation of everything else around me is hard to bear. I need to have easily accessible, healthy snacks around me.
The past couple of years I managed to get a HJ or two while we were here, but PIV was still off the table. Until last night... despite bad garlic breath on my part
No benefit from the prescriptions yet as SSRIs take a while to kick in. Though I did have a really hard time popping during a HJ two nights ago, despite no sexual activity since the 21st - which I had a problem with last time I was on SSRIs. Hopefully it was a fluke.
Between vacation and my kids' back-to-back birthdays, my diet has been crap lately. Packed a paleo lunch for today and got a decent workout in this morning. Gotta stick with it; my anxiety keeps yelling "Heart attack" and "Diabetes" at me, so I guess it's good for something
Sex has been sporadic; as is the custom, once one health issue clears up, another arises. The wife is off crutches and getting around well now, but in the meantime she's developed pleurisy, which is making it difficult for her to breathe. So PIV is going to be minimal until that gets cleared up. She saw a pulmonologist earlier this week and is currently on a steroid regimen which will hopefully knock it out for good.
We had a discussion during vacation about appearance and how we present ourselves; she would wear sweats and flipflops out in public given her choice. To her credit she has been dressing nicer since then, and got an expensive haircut for free (secret shopper for a friend), so good on her. She'll eventually slide back into old habits - not sure how to keep up the momentum other than positive reinforcement by making a big deal about how nice she looks and making an effort to take her out shopping on a regular basis.
Monkeys:
- Cut out the sugar
- Daily workouts, no matter how tired/unmotivated I am
- Use downtime productively; read books, take online classes, practice music, organize my office, get stuff listed on Amazon/eBay, etc.
I picked he poison I liked the least ... in that case, it was the donuts.* So, on donut days, I'd have nothing, but I did have a snack on bagel days. [The two alternated, plus the random home baked goodies.] That cut out half my junk eating.
I realized recently that I really don't like cake much, either. That makes it easy to cut out cake and cupcakes. [Maria, I'm sure Austrian cake is better than American sweetened white flour foam.] Unfortunately, I still love cookies, can't win everything.
* If you've ever had a donut fresh from the deep fryer, you'll be spoiled for life. Those taste so wonderful standard donuts taste old and stale in comparison. It made it very easy to give up the box of Dunk's.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
Have to remember you can change her, just you and it's a huge positive she's throwing you the offer of a HJ. You will get there if you take the time.
Progress not perfection.
After seeing several specialists, my wife's health issues continue to be a mystery. They've ruled out anything life-threatening or even mildly concerning, so it's just an annoyance at this point. It does seem to be improving, and she's back to running after six months post-hip surgery.
A big red now is my own health. I've had high cholesterol for a while, but at a doctor app't. last week it turns out I have high blood pressure as well. The warning signs are there - if I want to be around for my family, it's now or never. My body is rebelling against heavy lifting, so I'm focusing on running at the moment and doing what I can weight-wise. And diet. Trying hard to cut out the sugar.
Things are better on the marriage-wise. We've been holding marriage meetings every week which has helped us connect, particularly the "Appreciation" part.
We went on a weekend getaway last week and had a good time. And we're going on a cruise next month, so we're pretty excited about that.
The wife has started botox and is looking into other treatments as well. She seems pleased with the results so far, as am I.
Sex is OK; we're averaging about once per week. I'd prefer it be more frequent, but that's on me. Getting up early every morning at 5 to work out leaves me drained and falling asleep on the couch before 9 most nights. She sprung a blowjob on me about a month ago, and on our vacation last weekend we made good use of the hot tub - something she wouldn't have been up for in the past. The downside is that sex is less fulfilling in general lately. I'm wondering if it's the SSRI at work. Either way, I'm hoping that getting in better shape will improve things on that front.
Into Phase 3..
Those Who Dare......Win. "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."Into Phase 3..
Those Who Dare......Win. "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
IIRC, you're on supplemental testosterone. Where do you keep your levels?
If you're anywhere under 500-600, bumping your T up might help alleviate your depression.
Also, have you considered Wellbutrin (buproprion) rather than a traditional SSRI? It works on the dopamine center rather than the serotonin center. It doesn't have the sexual side effects that SSRI's do, and can actually improve sex.
It also doesn't have the normal weight gain side effects; in fact, people generally tend to lose a bit of weight with Wellbutrin.
The Secret to Why Your Wife Doesn't Initiate; Top Two Reasons Your Husband Doesn't Want Sex; Dominance-It's Not a Bad Word; Top 10 Ways to Increase Testosterone Naturally
I had my T checked last month; I can't find the results right now, but it's typically in the 700s and I'm pretty sure that was the case this time as well.
The depressive swings aren't as bad as they were a couple of months ago, but my sex drive is definitely lower than it's been. I haven't been sleeping well at all, so I'm sure that's a contributing factor to both.
Re: Wellbutrin. I got back on the SSRI wagon primarily for anxiety, and from past experience, Wellbutrin by itself makes anxiety worse. No bueno.
However, I have a follow-up appointment in December and plan on asking about adding Wellbutrin to the mix if things don't improve.
The good news is it doesn't seem to be affecting my appetite. I'm down to 200 even; I have my annual physical in two weeks, and while that's probably not enough time to radically improve some of these warning signs, at least I can point to my weight and show it's heading in the right direction.
Make sure they check your prolactin and pregnenolone levels when you do your blood work, as both can impact mood and sex drive.
The Secret to Why Your Wife Doesn't Initiate; Top Two Reasons Your Husband Doesn't Want Sex; Dominance-It's Not a Bad Word; Top 10 Ways to Increase Testosterone Naturally
I'm getting frustrated with Viibryd (the SSRI). Lots of side-effects, little desired effect. The anxiety came roaring back this weekend, despite the fact that I've been ramping up since early September and on the full dosage for 2.5 weeks. My follow up appointment isn't for another month, so I suppose I should just ride it out until then.
Weight loss is slowing, but still heading in the right direction. The wife commented on it being easier for her to get her arms around my waist, and my pants are definitely looser.