Nubby's 2016 map reboot

nubby

With 2015 in the history books, I feel it's time to reboot my map. Last year brought on a lot of good changes and I need to keep moving forward. 

I have three ares that will be my ongoing concerns (the big ones) and I'm sure I will add more as the year progresses. 

#1 health/fitness
I let both my workouts and diet start to slip in August 2015, and now I am up 10lbs and have lost some of my gains. 

Being type 2 diabetic, my health and fitness has to be #1. Last year I did quite well overall. My HbA1c is now 5.6 as opposed to 7.1the previous year.  My LDL cholesterol is less than half and my bp is steady at 120/80.

Although I did lose close to 35lbs, and kept most of it off, I feel now I should lower my long term weight loss goal to a realistic and attainable level. This year my goal will be to be diligent in watching my food choices and setting my weight loss goal to 10-15lbs. I'm sure I could drop more weight than that but I feel if my goal is too high, I'll get discouraged if I'm not meeting it and then backslide. 

I took some measurements the other night, ran them through an online body fat calculator and I am not very happy with the results. I apparently have between 26.5-30%bf. Totally unacceptable!! My wife says I look better than ever, but for me, not good enough. 

#2 Relationship Comfort
Once I stopped mapping for sex and started mapping for myself, things really started to fall into place. My oi was genuine, my wife's attraction to me increased and stress levels between us plummeted. 

The new house with the small repairs and renovations has helped the RC. I am now doing things I enjoy doing and at the same time making the house safer and more valuable. Some projects are a team effort and some I do by myself with my wife watching and learning. 

She has always seen my value where I haven't, but with this house, I'm seeing it too. I know when I take on a project, it will get done and done right. My wife knows that once I have a plan in place, It will get taken care of. 

One area that has need a lot of attention on the RC front is dopamine hits. Sure I have quite a few alpha traits but sadly, excitement isn't one of them. 

What I need to do is inject more fun and excitement into our relationship, both with and without the kids. We haven't been on a real date in a long time and I know from last year at the fair she likes excitement. 

Finances.
With the sale of our previous house, we paid off almost all debt and only have a mortgage and a small balance on our line of credit. Once in a regular routine of monthly bills, we will be able to start a good savings plan. This has been an issue for the last several years as we were living paycheck to paycheck. 

Now that our monthly costs are roughly half of what they were, savings will be a priority. Even with the extra disposable income, we will still continue to look for ways to save money. One of our biggest problems is the cost of food. Actually it is the amount of food that gets wasted as we (read "I") tend to cook too much food. This will be addressed by myself. I will cook less and if anyone is still hungry they can have some fruit or vegetables to top up. Also, when I cook too much, I eat more so as not to waste it (good way to gain the flab).

Over the coming months I will also look into ways of reducing other household costs such as insurance, utilities and transportation (maintenance). 

The above three areas will be my ongoing focus for the year. I will however add to the list as time goes on but these will be constant. 

I'm looking forward to another year of mapping and the insight and support of everyone in this forum. I'm sure I'll need it. 

nubby

I hit the gym yesterday. What a zoo!!! Too many resolutionists. Did a good workout but I'm still have range of movement issues in my shoulders. If this persists, I'll bring it to my Dr's attention during my next visit. 

This is morning my daughter texted saying mom told her the toilet may be backed up. I stopped by the house, ran a toilet auger through and took care of it. I also replaced the leaking washers in the bathtub faucets at the same time(save $$). 
 
It will be a short day at work as I have to drive my youngest and a gymnastics friend to the gym for training. Hopefully I'll make it home in time to cook a healthy meal. 

I have been trying a bit of push pull for the last couple days and have dropped the drive by's almost to zero. My wife has been responding with ass grabs/slaps and drive by shoulder rubs. 

I have been quite oi as I have some work in the shop to catch up on but I still manage to get things in the house taken care of (lunches, cooking and dishes).

I had to finally put my foot down with our girls yesterday. Since the start of the Christmas break, besides the two nights they stayed at their cousin's house, they have had friends over everyday. I told them yesterday that once their friends go home, "there will be nobody coming over for at least a week". My wife and I are tired of the noise and the messes they half assedly clean up. "We need some quiet time"!!

It's been a few days since we've had any type of intamacy so I figure I better initiate tonight. I'll wrap up my work in the shop early and spend some time enjoying my wife's company and maybe we can make up a prioritized list of work we want to get done around the house. 

Angeline

Beware of dropping all drive bys, quality time and then initiating.

I've said it before, but you were deep in the chaos of moving - you aren't getting enough fun time and down time. Don't be surprised if that bites you in the ass. Better would be to cut back somewhere (TV?) and replace it with fun and more sleep. You keep passing up opportunities for sex because you're too tired. Un-schedule something.

nubby

@Angeline in the last month we may have watched Mayb 3-4 hrs of tv. I have better things to fill my time with. I am hoping for a little downtime now that the girls have been put on notice about having friends over all the time. 

I shouldn't have said all drive by's. I still give her an ass slap now and then and when she remarks how she is forgetting a lot of things I let her know she has great tits...... Just because.

For us good down time is just cuddling on the couch with some background music playing and low lights. Nothing fancy but we both enjoy it. 

Over the next few days I'll ramp up the drive by's slowly and see how she responds. 
She made me a lunch Lastnight and slipped a lovely little note in it. I texted and told her that it brightened up my day.
I still don't send flirty texts. 
Should I try again??

Angeline

You're doing awesome overall, I just worry you'll lose your good momentum. Mix things up! Your down time sounds lovely!

nubby

@Angeline ;
The momentum is certainly there, but, as I said in my map reboot, being exciting is definitely not a strong point with me. I'm going to start looking into some fun and maybe even "off the wall" date night ideas. We do need time alone and away from the kids. 
Where I live, it seems everything is geared towards the 20 something crowd or the already retired crowd. There isn't much in between. I really have my work cut out for me. We have gone skating in the past but my feet get so sore from the skates that I gave up on that (former hockey player talking). She has mentioned she would like to try ballroom dancing so maybe that's one thing we can try?

Right now we are still settling into the house and taking care of things we want to do while it's cold out. I will pry her away from the house/kids and get her out for a good time. 

nubby

The last week has been quite the little ride. I have been working late, getting shit done and trying to catch up on my sleep. My wife has been very distant. When she gets like that I just let her be. 

She did try to pick a fight by text but I wouldn't bite. I can't even remember how long it's been since we had sex. 
I took the initiative lastnight to at least get a conversation going and give her a nice foot rub. I think now push/pull doesn't fair too well with my wife. She thinks I'm mad at her or something (hence trying to pick a fight).  

Today, after chatting lastnight and making a to do list for the house, she's all bubbly and happy. She texted me on her break and said the house I'm working at will look beautiful when I'm done. I told her yesterday I'm making a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Anyway, I texted back that even if it looks beautiful, it will still pale in comparison to her. She said I made her blush.  

Ok, looking back at the week, it seems I was just as distant as my wife. I haven't been sleeping very well for some reason. I've been getting just about 7hrs a night which is way more than the 4-5 I have been used to for the last 25 years. Right now I'm chalking it up to rebooting my diet and trying to drop the weight I want to lose. The D3 doesn't seem to be having much affect as I still feel quite depressed. 

During the last week my wife didn't come looking for attention or affection. I didn't initiate at all as I have been dead tired everyday. I did sleep good lastnight and feel I have way more energy today. 

This morning my wife suggested that maybe we are just catching up now to the holiday madness. I'm hoping she is right on this. When she comes home today I'll grab her for a 10 second kiss and see how that goes. She doesn't like the push so I figure I'll go back to the pull. 

My workouts have slowed this week mainly due to a deadline I need to meet but I'll be back at the gym full force next week. I did check this morning and I'm down 3lbs since Christmas which is a nice boost. I think the snow shoveling is helping out too. 

Sorry about the rambling hodgepodge of a post, I'm doing this while climbing up and down ladders doing paint touch ups. Tomorrow I'll try a more organized approach. 

Angeline

Angeline said:

Beware of dropping all drive bys, quality time and then initiating.

I've said it before, but you were deep in the chaos of moving - you aren't getting enough fun time and down time. Don't be surprised if that bites you in the ass. Better would be to cut back somewhere (TV?) and replace it with fun and more sleep. You keep passing up opportunities for sex because you're too tired. Un-schedule something.

Huh. Who would have guessed? 

J/K I'm glad you figured it out. Well done on resisting the text fight.

nubby

@Angeline point taken. I liked the other way better anyway. I'm a "touch" LL guy. Even giving my wife the foot rub lastnight was probably just as good for me as it was her. 

l'm going to go back to what I was doing before and instead I'll add things instead of taking them away. That seems to be the win win for us. For example, I went to work early today so I could be finished in time to come home and make sure the driveway was all shoveled and cleaned up before my wife gets home. The dishwasher is emptied and the kitchen is cleaned up. Now I can get dinner on the go with time to spare. 

My wife will be going out shopping with a friend later so I'll take the time to get caught up on a bit of work so when she gets home we can have a little is time. 

Angeline

Tell her to bring you something sexy

nubby

@Angeline ;
i texted her while she was out and like you suggested, asked her to bring a couple sexy things home. 

After the girls went to bed I asked what she brought me. Her answer was quick. She reached down and lifted her shirt and said "I got you these two beauties"!

We were up making the bed squeak until close to 3am. It had been a while since we've had sex and I almost came during a hj and then again at the start of piv. I was able to prevent that and was able to last just under 15 minutes. The best part was I was still able to keep going. 

Today I have to do some paper work and clear the driveway again but wil be taking care of many drive by's as well. 

ETA; I just got he from being called into work. An easy 9hrs pay for a couple hours work. I saw my wife briefly before I left and she seemed quite happy even through she's not s morning person. 

Came me home to freshly baked banana bran muffins. Yum!

nubby

Wifey went crazy today!! Not only the muffins but homemade soup, stew, spaghetti sauce and lasagna. This is going to be sooo hard to keep my diet on track. It seems she needed a bit of sex as well. 

From the time I got home today she has been quite touchy feely. I have done quite a few drive by's and they have been more than well received and more often than not, given right back. Sex is a definite mood enhancer. 

This evening I'm finishing up December's billing so we can budget for the girls' bedroom renovations. If the billing amount is good enough, we'll also pay our yearly site rental for our trailer at the lake. Hopefully we'll get out a lot this year.

Tomorrow while my youngest is at gymnastics we will take our oldest to pick out the flooring and trim for her room. I am hoping to get her room done next weekend then start on her closet organizer. 

nubby

Woo hoo! I'm now just 4lbs away from my July 2015 weight!! I have been religiously tracking my food on myfitnesspal and avoiding dairy as much as possible and it's starting to pay off. Now that my work schedule is back to normal for the most part, I'll be able to hit the gym 3-5 times per week. 

My youngest daughter just took on a flyer route so I'm sure I'll be getting a lot more walking in as well. Hopefully the weather co-operates as it is -33°c with the windchill right now. 

I have been busy painting trim for my daughter's rooms the last couple evenings and my oldest keeps asking when it'll be done. Damn! We just bought the supplies on Sunday. 

Sex has only happened once in the last week and for some reason it isn't that big a deal. I don't seem to have as much energy this time of year plus the fact that my wife just doesn't seem to be very interested in me being around her. I love physical touch but she is outright stingy with it so oi it is. The last thing I will do is hover around waiting for it which leaves me plenty of time to get some things done around the house. Sure, we still hug and kiss but it is all initiated by me. If I didn't initiate it, it wouldn't happen very often. But it is what it is.

Hopefully hitting the gym more will give me a good energy boost. I seem to be in a bit of a funk and I'm not liking it. I need to find a way to bring some good positive energy back into the house and turn things around. 

nubby

Lastnight I read through @fredless ; story linked in success stories. As I was reading it, my mind wandered back 25+ years ago when I was in my LTR with my girlfriend (now wife) and she cheated on me. As I was reading, the emotions boiled up and it felt like it happened just last week. Funny isn't it? A quarter of a century and although the wound seems to have healed, the scars are ever present. 

I then realized that when things seem to start getting better between my wife and I, I start to push her away for fear of this happening again. It must be some kind of built in emotional defense mechanism. The worst part is, I don't know how to break this cycle. Right now I seem to be in a push. 

I now think this is the crux of the problem and it is definitely an ongoing pattern. I do trust my wife now but I know in my heart of hearts it will never be 100%. I realized I was blinded by love and didn't see the true person I was in love with. 

Another thing, as shameful as it seems, I would just once want her to feel that pain that I felt when she cheated. 
Does that make sense?

i know it sounds petty and vengeful but the hurt, no matter how long it's buried, isn't far from the surface. 

My wife works in a secure building and travels a few weeks a year. I don't know what goes on during the day or on her trips. Furthermore, due to the nature of her job, she cannot disclose who she talks to or where she is. This at times stirs something inside me and hurt and resentment starts to build and then I start to push her away. 

I know she is a committed wife/mother, but I also know what she was capable of doing in the past. With the trust being broken all those years ago, and as much as I want to trust her 100%, it's just not possible. There will always be a hint of doubt in my mind. 

I need to find a way to cope with these feelings and move forward without the fear of something like happening again. I'm sure everytime I go into pushing her away, she has no idea as to why I am doing this. 

I think the greatest fear is that once a person has cheated once, if they do it again it'll be easier for them to do it. I liken it to the first time I went drinking with buddies in highschool. I knew it was wrong but after a couple beers I didn't care. The second time I went out drinking with buddies, the moral implications weren't as bad as I had suffered no consequences the first time so it was easier for me engage in that behavior. 

I think this is seriouly affecing my trust and also to some extent, my self esteem for taking back a cheater even though she is remorseful and I'm sure does love me. 

Hopefully I can find a way to get through this. I would like to hear from some of the members here who have dealt with this sort of thing and if/how they dealt with it. 

Angeline

Were you engaged at The time of her affair? I'm sorry, but I don't put that at the same level as an affair once the vows have been said in front of God and family. I think if she has been faithful as a wife, especially during the period in the last few years when you were distant and checked out, then you should let it go. She has proved in the last 6 months how much she responds to your mood, good or bad, and how much she enjoys it when you are both energized and engaged.

Either stay, or go.

nubby

@Angeline We weren't engaged and had been living together for a couple of years with "plans". I was thinking about it more while working this morning. Your stay or go statement was pretty much what I thought of only I said to myself "all in or all out". 

It looks like I have been letting my self imposed limbo prevent me from being all in. I think the best thing I can do as a husband and father is just keep working on myself  and not let the past control my present or future. I can't change the past but I can sure shape the future. 

Maybe if I turn this negative into a positive by using it as a reminder of why I'm mapping, I can focus better on strengthening our relationship and finally drive those demons away. That's one energy vampire I really don't need or want in my future. 

Typing this his is one thing. Putting it into practice will be the challenging part. 

Eta; my wife just texted saying  it's cold in her office and maybe I can warm her up later. 
I think I'll have a protein shake and go to the gym. 
 

SignorePillolaRossa

nubby said:

Eta; my wife just texted saying  it's cold in her office and maybe I can warm her up later. 
I think I'll have a protein shake and go to the gym and then pound her like i don't even know her tonight. 
 

FTFY :-D

nubby

@SignorePillolaRossa I think that's her plan. I also think she forgot we suffer from SBS (squeaky bed syndrome). I better get my ass in gear and get some 2" angle iron and make new bed rail attaching hardware. 

SignorePillolaRossa

quickie in the shop
turn on some power machines for cover noise

CartB4Horse

@nubby - C'mon dammit, why in the world are you slipping backwards now??

Let me ask you a few questions:

Do you trust yourself?  Are you better than you were before, when your (now) wife cheated?  

What would you do if it happened again?  Would you be in a better place than you were before (mentally)?

My Ex cheated on me and the reason I found MMSL was because I was sliding back into being that beta bitch I was before.  My wife was showing what I thought were red flags and I spiraled downwards.

Now I trust myself.  I know what I'd do if my current wife cheated on me, now that I have MAPed.  It's different, I'm a very good man on his way to being awesome.  We are the fucking catch!

Trust yourself, you aren't the same man you were before.

nubby

CartB4Horse said:

@nubby - C'mon dammit, why in the world are you slipping backwards now??

Let me ask you a few questions:

Do you trust yourself?  Are you better than you were before, when your (now) wife cheated?  

What would you do if it happened again?  Would you be in a better place than you were before (mentally)?

My Ex cheated on me and the reason I found MMSL was because I was sliding back into being that beta bitch I was before.  My wife was showing what I thought were red flags and I spiraled downwards.

Now I trust myself.  I know what I'd do if my current wife cheated on me, now that I have MAPed.  It's different, I'm a very good man on his way to being awesome.  We are the fucking catch!

Trust yourself, you aren't the same man you were before.

@CartB4Horse ;
i have always trusted myself. I have never been unfaithful and am a man of my word. 

If  my wife were to cheat, her world would be blown up so fast she wouldn't know what hit her. I have had quite a few women show interest as I have never worn a wedding ring save for the 10 minutes of our ceremony. I know for a fact that looking after myself and kids wouldn't be a problem. I have a great family and social network that would be there for me. 

I wouldn't say I'm backsliding it's I'm now aware of why I'm pushing her away at times. Which gives me another dragon to slay.  She has seen women pay attention to me, she has mate guarded, she knows I would be quite fine by myself. 

I married for life and I respect the vows I made to my wife. I'm sure she takes her vows seriously as well but I guess neither of us can be 100% certain the other will uphold them (we can only control ourselves).