Trapped in a cycle

Tennee

Stop.  Breathe.  In, then out.  Now...

She tests your Frame on a constant basis, and frankly you're failing.  I know that's hard to hear.  Suck it up.

Start with the following:

"We are DONE with this absolute, utter nonsense.   NO.MORE.  No more [insert all of the crap you laid out above].  FINISHED".  Then walk away.  If she blows up, bounces, shriek-tards, etc., walk away. 

This is not a diatribe.  This is not an opportunity for her to engage and get the tit-for-tat going.  This is short and fucking sweet.  Delivered like cold steel. 

Draw a line - right now - and stick to it.  You can absolutely do this. 

You have to stand up my man.  Today is when you decide to stand up. 

Blackwulf

What you are dealing with is DARVO.  The fact that she doesn't respect you and she had a trouble childhood and the way she is acting is she is used to manipulating frame.    

Has your wife ever done the ear thing before with you? If so then it was really bad timing, if not it was just something to piss you off.  

You do need to set boundaries hard and keep to them.  Losing your cool over not getting sleep isn't the end of the world, but you have got to understand she is using your anger to control you and paint you as the bad guy.  You have to stay in control of the situation and then use that to point out she is the one with behavior problems.  Take away her ability to point and say you are the angry one.  

Once you are stronger in frame you can start leading with your frame and it will calm her down.  

Reborn

I'm with @Beatrice. The following may not be good advice, but it is my reaction.
If someone did that stuff to me, I would move the fuck out immediately and be very cautious about ever speaking to them again. It's insane and it's making you insane.

HildaCorners

I'll agree with Beatrice & Reborn ... your wife sounds BSC. Hopefully, it's something you and she can work on.

[Note that the three of us are various flavors of 5s.]

You need to set boundaries and enforce them. Your wife keeps testing, you need to keep your limits rock solid.

You should not have gone back home after saying you'd sleep in the hotel. Sleep on the lobby sofa if you must.

If she asks "Do you want sex?" reply "I always want sex" and completely ignore any response from her other than "Let's do it now."

But it's clear she needs help. She's got a lot of craziness she's pushing on you, and she needs help processing it.

446

1) I think you need to prioritize a normal sleep cycle for your toddler. At over a year, they should be sleeping through the night most of the time. Our special needs child didn't sleep through the night until 6 months old. The others were younger.

2) I would suggest the book "When I Say No. I Feel Guilty." If MMSL and NMMNG are great strategies, then WISNIFG, is your book of tactics. The broken record technique is useful professionally for me as well.  It will help you learn to apologize once and not again. 

When I apologize, I state what I'm apologizing for. Then I say why it's a problem. Last, I say what I'm going to do about it in the future. 

If I get a "blast from the past" attack, I say "I already apologized for that and I am/will doing XXX about it."  I have repeated that up to 10 times.  (Also don't do the thing again.)

craigdf

446
Thanks for your suggestions. The kid normally sleeps well. This week we've just been sick.

I'll definitely read WISNIFG.

Today she seemed open to reconciliation. I've said some hurtful things (nothing worse than she's said to me, but she's very sensitive of course). I apologized. She asked if I meant it. We had this discussion before. She told me once that she didn't mean something hurtful she said. I said that I believe she meant it in that moment, but doesn't anymore. She was very adamant that that's not the case. I was adamant that it was the case. So now she asks, if I meant it and I said I did, but don't anymore. She says she can't get over it.

446, you say to be willing to do x to avoid making the same mistake in the future. For me, it's basically saying hurtful things in anger. I don't know how to avoid that. It takes a lot for me to get to that point, but with her I repeatedly get there. If I leave the house to calm down, she'll feel betrayed as well. So I either hurry her through words or through absence which is construed as abandonment. What other options do I have to not explode when I'm angry and feeling treated unjustly.

_io

She has some sort of personality disorder.  So one of your options for dealing with her defective toxic behavior is to stop expecting her to behave as if she were a healthy person.  You keep allowing yourself to get pulled into her crazy because you are continually conforming to her reality as if it were valid.  It's not.  She's operating on a lower plane.  But you validate her reality every time you drop down to her level when you deal with her. 

Stop being the Charlie Brown to her Lucy.  When she sets up the football, don't kick.  Next time you recognize you are starting to get pulled into her frame, I want you to actually picture yourself in a gold shirt with a black chevron pattern across the chest running toward a little black-haired girl holding a football.  Hopefully, the ridiculousness of the image will be enough to short-circuit the loop.  

This is the importance of having a strong frame.  You have to have a stronger reality than she has.  Most people's frames are weak.  They simply react to what goes on around them, never even realizing that's what they are doing.  They don't even realize there is another way.  I have family members with emotional problems.  Over the years, I have learned to live in my own frame, and now they conform to me.  Life is better for all of us.

Rorschach

You do know how to avoid it: don't get angry. She may be pushing your buttons, but your anger and lashing out with hurtful words is on you. It’s entirely up to you how you react to her. It repeatedly happens, because it's a habit, a rut, and you let yourself do it. Decide not to.