@beribboned I know you mean that from the bottom of your heart. But I've seen too many examples in my social circle of wives who did the opposite. And quite honestly, knowing what we on this forum do about the nature of attraction and what keeps marriages together, I'm not altogether surprised. What does a man with a serious long-term illness or disabling injury have to offer a woman anyway? The women who choose to stay are truly special snowflakes.
Husband of over a decade, stepfather of 3, creator of the superhero webcomic The Vanguard.
@themacnut on what evidence do you base your claim this is especially the case for a man? My husband is 15 years older than me, a firefighter, and also fairly crazy. I could be in your scenario someday. I may not be the hungry slut I am now but I sure as fuck won't abandon him.
@themacnut didn't attack you personally, please don't be defensive.
One of the things I think is core to a realistic approach to relationships is the acceptance that there is a non-zero percentage of the population that will do exactly as @themacnut said. I would also wager that they thought to themselves, "I'd never leave my [wife/husband] if they were terminally ill." but it happens. I think it's necessary to acknowledge that the capability exists in all of us so we can then make sure to guard against it.
An informal observation based on over 15 years in the health care field, is that men and women show equal levels of loyalty in the face of serious illness and injury.
I was involved for a time in a breast cancer support group. It was astounding to me how many women were abandoned by their husbands when they got sick.
"The turnaround is tremendous. And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects. I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force. He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well." - Scarlet
@mook_z of course @themacnut didn't attack me personally but I thought he was asserting women (in general) don't love romantically as fully and faithfully as men (in general), and I vehemently disagree with that assertion.
Here's what concerns me though; what if a man is no longer able to step up? What if he gets really sick, like gets cancer or MLS or some other disease that knocks him flat on his back and keeps him there for weeks, months or even years, during which time he is utterly dependent on his wife or whoever may be around to look after him? Or he gets into a serious accident that does the same and takes months or years or recovery time, or even worse, he never fully recovers and is crippled for the rest of his life? How can a man in that state "step up"?
I've heard stories, and seen examples, of wives leaving their husbands during those times, abandoning them at their time of greatest need. I know good mate choice can help alleviate this concern, but there's really no way to be sure until this situation actually arises. As I get older, this become a greater concern to me; if it turns out I've chosen poorly, I could spend the rest of my life battling a serious physical condition...alone.
Someone in that situation steps up by not letting it beat them down into depression. It's not the disease or condition that's unattractive it's the never-ending "woe is me" attitude. Yes, a severely life changing event like becoming a quadriplegic in a car wreck or getting Lou Gehrig's Disease really bites but you have a choice to simply lay in bed and decide your life is over or you can do what you can with what you have. "Stepping up" has the implied "to the best of your ability" at the end.
You have a choice, decide you're not going to find a mate due to fear of spending your declining days alone because she ran off when you needed her. Or, you can find a mate, take that risk and have a really good chance she will be a decent person and be with you when you need her. She'll only be there under one of those scenarios. As the saying goes, you can't win if you don't play.
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One of the things I think is core to a realistic approach to relationships is the acceptance that there is a non-zero percentage of the population that will do exactly as @themacnut said. I would also wager that they thought to themselves, "I'd never leave my [wife/husband] if they were terminally ill." but it happens. I think it's necessary to acknowledge that the capability exists in all of us so we can then make sure to guard against it.
It's not a woman/man thing. It's a human thing.
There's also the thing where the marriage hasn't been that great for a while. The illness thing is the final straw sometimes.
If you're married to a total asshole/bitch and now they become a completely dependent total asshole/bitch...
And I've also seen people play illness up like crazy to stop a partner from leaving them via shaming and guilt.
One Hour Call 12-Week Guided MAP
"The turnaround is tremendous. And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects. I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force. He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well." - Scarlet
You have a choice, decide you're not going to find a mate due to fear of spending your declining days alone because she ran off when you needed her. Or, you can find a mate, take that risk and have a really good chance she will be a decent person and be with you when you need her. She'll only be there under one of those scenarios. As the saying goes, you can't win if you don't play.