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Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
Moved to 911 category.
There does seem to be something going on with some other guy to some extent right now.
There's an awful lot else going on as well.
One Hour Call 12-Week Guided MAP
"The turnaround is tremendous. And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects. I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force.
He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well." - Scarlet
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
I went to my lawyer again yesterday. I told her that my wife was quite aggressive the evening before (she was having a go at me because she had changed the pick up arrangements with our son and assumed I could bend to her will) and also the next morning (over a trivial matter reading my son's packed lunch). I managed to remain cool and calm on both occasions but she yelled in the morning in front of my son. My lawyer strongly believes that my wife is getting frustrated that I haven't left the house as she originally requested. She believes my wife will do anything to try and get me to react so I will do something stupid so she can file a police report on me and get me out permanently. Personally I find that extremely hard to believe but am taking the advice seriously.
The way my wife is treating me - I think she has already decided that she doesn't want to be with me however is waiting for to make the decision to leave/make the first move. Obviously I am standing my ground because I have no reason to leave so she is getting frustrated. I was also quite clear that despite her actions (with another man) I am willing to work on our marriage. She seems to be the one who isn't working towards repairing things. I still hold a faint hope for our marriage but that is slowly dissipating. My aim at the moment is to get stronger so I can plan for the worst, manage her moods as best I can and not react. Basically I need to get myself in the best position so if we do separate to arrange for close to equal parenting as possible. However, she's the one who wants out, so she can make the move not me. If I leave the house I'm stuffed.
me so I will have an outburst so she can file a domestic violence order on me and get me out. She has advised me to remain cool and calm, document everything in a diary, spend as much time as possible with my son (and document this), not go out too much in the evenings and bide my time until my wife is compelled to make a decision herself.
If she's so desperate to have you leave, you need to protect yourself. Talking to your lawyer is an excellent first step. Other things you need to do:
- if you keep firearms or other weapons in the house, get them out immediately. It doesn't matter if you keep the guns in a locked safe with the ammo locked away at the other end of the house ... get the guns out of there!
- Take any vital papers (passport, house deed, etc.) and store these out of the house too. Don't move her papers, just yours and the kids'. You can tell her where they are, but don't tell her you moved them so she can't destroy them in a fit of nastiness.
- One more thing to get out of the house ... family heirlooms you would feel bad about losing. "I broke your great aunt's Ming vase" is not what you want to hear.
Talk to your lawyer before the next items:
- set up an individual bank account, and have your paycheck deposited there. Then transfer to your joint account enough money for living expenses. This keeps you from being frozen out of your money.
- think about installing a nannycam or recording your arguments with your wife. It's a lot harder to fake abuse if the "aggressor" has recordings proving he did nothing.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
If she really wants you out of the house, the strongest woman will play the damsel in distress card to it's fullest. I'm not saying yours will or even 1% will but it happens and it's something to be aware of. When it comes to domestic disputes in the western world, guys are often presumed guilty by the police. Defend yourself by taking away anything she could use against you.
And please don't reply with "we don't have guns." Think it through, what do you have that can be used against you?
@EANx My lawyer said I shoiuld file a police report about the incident when she smashed a cup next to me and broke our back door. The police would not take it any further but it would be evidence of my concern regarding her mental state and go against any action she might untruthfully take against me in the future. This is something I'm finding difficult to agree with - but I should listen to what I advised to do regardless
What you are doing is protecting yourself from false charges of abuse.
Some police departments assume the man is guilty in all DV calls, and they take action first, think second (or not at all). It's not unusual for a wife to call the police, say "I'm scared of my husband ... he owns guns" and have the police come storming in to arrest him, with no other evidence.
If the police know your wife has a history of minor violence, and that you have reported such to them, if she calls they're much less likely to arrest you without cause.
It also wouldn't hurt to check out your town's resources for abused men.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
If she's still threatening violence / property destruction, don't get side tracked into a black hole of introspection about whether or not you have Nice Guy issues.
You may well have Nice Guy issues, but right now, you're in a abusive situation. So you have to deal with that as the primary issue. In any case, it's all but impossible to make personal growth steps while you live with someone being violent towards you.
One Hour Call 12-Week Guided MAP
"The turnaround is tremendous. And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects. I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force.
He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well." - Scarlet
I do agree with you that I'm getting caught up in personal improvement when this massive unknown situation is ahead of me - but to be honest, just getting fit has given me the strength to carry on and be a bit more level headed. It's this limbo I can't stand - where neither of us appear to know what to do or where things are headed. I'm holding my ground and seeing what happens because I'm not leaving my house. If she has really checked out of the marriage then she needs to make a decision and I will accept that - but we will be caring for our son as equally as possible if we do separate.
I just can't believe things have deteriorated so rapidly in just two weeks. I just need time to process all of this. Somehow we are existing under the same roof still - and we are still in the same bed. Only time will tell. The reason we are in the same bed is because the house is pretty small and neither of us want to have to explain to our son yet why "daddy is sleeping on he floor"
And it includes emotional abuse as well ... emotional abuse is just harder to prove in Court.
In summary, abuse is basically an attempt by the abuser to provide security by controlling their world and the people in it. The abuser finds that physical and emotional control gives them that security, so they keep abusing. They stop realizing that their victims are human beings and see them as objects to be controlled.
The more you shake up the relationship, the more control the abuser tries to use. And often, the more physical they get. Under, if your wife shows signs of abusive behavior, she may get worse as you MAP.
For more information, read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It's a tough read for abuse victims, and written with the assumption that the abuser is male and the victim female, but the information is incredibly useful.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
She is meeting up with another man, and lying to you about it. When you called her on it, she said you should move out.
She is getting her dopamine elsewhere and wanting to tree swing to him.
Others here are better placed to advise in this circumstance, but surely you have to cut off that dopamine source to have any hope of making this work. You need to confront the other man and tell him to fuck off.
It is often said here that the one who is least invested in the relationship has the power. She has the power at the moment. Protect yourself from false DV accusations - camera/phone recordings etc. Do not put up with her abuse.
Don't wish she were different, wish you were better.
She want to not live together - SHE leaves. Here is her ideal. She shuts you out and "wants space". You leave the house. Yay! She gets to play single and fuck the other man. Doesn't work out with him? She gets to be a the magnanimous one who "gives you a second chance"
Yes, you have a sexless marriage because she has lost attraction. It is probably not (just) because you are out of physical shape, but your carpet-mat behaviours. Both assertivness and physicality can be fixed over time to return her attraction to you. But none of that will matter while she is in the dopamine fog fantasy man centred around the OM.
Which state are you in? Police approaches to DV accusations vary between states. WAPOL are awful in defaulting to removing the man. City or country?
Don't wish she were different, wish you were better.
You will need to do some investigation to figure out how far OM and your wife have gone or are going. The most difficult thing is you cannot talk about this with her, you have to act as though you are oblivious to the whole thing.
Do you have access to her phone records? Can you tell what numbers she's calling/texting? Does she look at FB on a computer or her phone?
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl