My story - a triage too late

Under_Construction

There was a trial that spilled over from the day before. My STBX wouldn't negotiate despite this. The judge said he didn't have time for arguments or ruling. He therefore adjourned the case until mid February next year. That means I don't get any additional time even over the Christmas holidays. I'm pretty devastated but I've done what I can. There was no way I was leaving today without asking for a decision. Fate just put a few more obstacles in my way.

Under_Construction

I know I'm jaded, angry about today, yada yada. But I have lots of other questions. Lots. 

I'm not big on Facebook but I want to change my relationship status. Not to separated but to single 

Or does this just lead to the dark side...

samson

Probably not worth poking the bear.

Under_Construction

I'd like to. I really would 

HildaCorners

So change it to "it's complicated" and tell people verbally.

If you really want to change your status to single, wait until 2 days before your next court hearing. I'm on Facebook so little, I don't even know what my status is there ... and I've been single for 5 years now. It really doesn't matter.

What matters right now is for you to be the ideal single father and legal client. Be the best dad you can. Be polite and respectful to your stbx, even if she throws shit at you. [Say "that was not called for" as you photograph the mess for your lawyer.] This is very hard work, but essential.

Under_Construction

Fair enough. Sorry I think I'm just looking for some kind of validation. My relationship status is hidden. I'll leave it at that for now. I won't lose sight of being the best dad I can't be first and foremost. 

DaddyOh

You're #1 goal is to be an awesome dad. Changing the status to single might give off the perception you're chasing ass. 

Small steps buddy. Till the end of the year, don't waste your time thinking about Facebook. 

I know part of you wants to crush your exw in the courtroom, but remember she's still the mother of your kid. Always think "what's best for my kid".

Youre doing great. 

Tennee

Under_Construction said:

There was a trial that spilled over from the day before. My STBX wouldn't negotiate despite this. The judge said he didn't have time for arguments or ruling. He therefore adjourned the case until mid February next year. That means I don't get any additional time even over the Christmas holidays. I'm pretty devastated but I've done what I can. There was no way I was leaving today without asking for a decision. Fate just put a few more obstacles opportunities to Captain like a friggin boss in my way.

Fixed that last line for you.

Look man, the judicial system is its own animal - ask anyone here who deals in it.  It sucks, its unpredictable, its uncontrollable.  Roll with the punches and keep doing what your doing - putting everything on the table for  your lawyer and trusting her to do her thing, and do it well.  From what you're posting, she's doing it quite well BTW.

Crashaxe

I'm very sorry about the delay. I call it the legal system rather than the justice system for a reason.

However, while the wheels of the system move slowly, they grind exceedingly fine.

You are playing a long game. Its a marathon, not a sprint. You will get through this and get the time your son should have with you. Your lawyer is your best guide as to what to do and not do in the meantime.

Hang in there. It will get better. Tough times don't last. Tough men do.

Under_Construction

Thank you once again for the advice and encouragement. I have a little time to process and although it still angers me I realise that I simply need to continue on with the long term goal in mind. My son and I had the day together yesterday as kindy has finished (just one night with me this week). He got really upset when I had to take him back to my STBX. He wanted to stay with me and it took me ages to get him into the car. I tried my best to keep it positive but it was really hard. When we got to the handover point he started to cry. I really feel for him. I know this must be immensely hard on him, but I also hope she realises that there's no hiding the fact that he was to be with his dad as well.

HildaCorners

A thought ... is your son in any kind of therapy, and can you find a therapist who 1) will not take sides against you or your stbx, 2) is willing to testify in court, if necessary? [In the States, the second is nearly impossible.] There's no doubt your son would benefit from some therapy (we all would), and a superb child therapist will advocate for the child to be put in the best possible parenting situation.

Or ... you might want to ask your lawyer about custody evaluations. Again in the States (and different states do things differently), the divorcing couple can ask the judge to appoint a custody evaluator who will run a full investigation to determine the best custody and visit schedule for the kid. It can be very expensive, and some evaluators are crooked biased, but the one I had was excellent and worth every penny.

Under_Construction

@HildaCorners yes, we call it a family assessment. It is run independently from the court via a private psychologist. They interview the parents and the child and observe interactions between the child and each parent. They then make their recommendations. It is very expensive but the next logical step. I didn't elect to do it straight up because I didn't want to do it whole our son was still adjusting to things. Now that the court based evaluation has not worked in my favour, this would be the next step, particularly if the next court hearing doesn't go my way. My friend who has gone through a similar thing said that a family assessment was a turning point for him, as it made the court see the reality of the state of things, and believes it will do the same for me. Cost is about $2,500 each.

My son isn't in any therapy. As far as it goes he has adapted very well. It appears just to be handovers at this point and it has started to happen on the last 2 occasions. Any distress does concern me, however we just observe for now I think. I would like help in helping him through this if it keeps happening, so I will seriously have to consider getting help with someone. Cost is something I'm going to struggle with right now. I need to focus on Christmas now.

Tennee

Under_Construction said:

 He got really upset when I had to take him back to my STBX. He wanted to stay with me and it took me ages to get him into the car. I tried my best to keep it positive but it was really hard. When we got to the handover point he started to cry.

Discuss this with your attorney tomorrow.  Is the handover point a public place?  Is videoing this lawful?  Is sound as well as video lawful?  Because someone shooting covert video of this, multiple times, with your son crying - this is not the first time you have mentioned him crying at handover - makes for powerful stuff.  Does he cry at your handover?  What is his reaction then.   Film that too.  That might tell a powerful story.

Yes folks, that's cut-throat stuff, and I make no apologies for it.

Under_Construction

@Tennee. At best I think the only avenue I have is documentation. It will go into subsequent affidavits. I sincerely doubt any kind of video would be admissible. 

It onky happens when I hand him back to her 

Tennee

Under_Construction said:

@Tennee. At best I think the only avenue I have is documentation. It will go into subsequent affidavits. I sincerely doubt any kind of video would be admissible. 

It onky happens when I hand him back to her 

Tell your attorney all of this.

Under_Construction

@Tennee definitely 

Flynn_Lives

Maybe I can lend my two cents here.  I was a small child when my parents divorced, dad is a serial cheater.  Anyway, I cried when I would get back from my Dad's place as well.  It didn't mean my mother and step-dad were doing anything wrong, in fact they were the better of the two options in my case.

It's most likely the emotion of having to say goodbye to you.....again.  It's tough.  Help him realize that you don't want to see him go either, but that you promise you will see each other in X number days.  Give him an idea of what you plan to do together, give him something to look forward to, to ease the sadness.

Good luck man, I for one am pulling for you.  I will continue to follow along and lend insight if I can.  

Under_Construction

@Flynn_Lives thank you for taking the time to comment.Yes this is what I was thinking. I don't believe my STBX is doing anything wrong or our son has a preference. I believe that he's struggling with having to say goodbye again as you say. I'm certainly not sitting here pumping my fists going "yes! he'd rather be with me!" I would never want him to think that anyway. I really want to help us all move on and make the transitions as pain free as possible. Thank you for your suggestions. I always try and tell him I will see him in "x" days, that I will call him on "x" and that we will have some fun when we see each other next. 

Oh boy I'm trying to digest the fact that this forum is closing. The support I have received here is really quite remarkable and I am most appreciative.

Under_Construction

The problem with saying "I'll see you in 'x' days" is that at 5 he hasn't really got a good grasp on time and also the time gap is significant. It's hard to say "it's ok, I'll next you next Friday" when next Friday is an entire week. Hence my fight for more time. Fortunately I can now call him once a week, so I can add that in. "I'll see you next Friday but I look forward to calling you on Tuesday!"

MissD

Not sure if it will help, but using 'sleeps" seemed to be an easier concept for my kids to grasp at that age. So for instance daddy will be home in 5 sleeps (he travelled).