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My story - a triage too late

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  • BlackwulfBlackwulf Leading the pack. Silver Member Posts: 1,782
    What options do you have if bringing up a possible affair partner is considered controlling behavior?  What did your lawyer advise that you could do? 

    Really start working on yourself and building your value. I guess you have to work on becoming super dad right now and keep a clean slate.  Also start rebuilding a life outside your home, get closer to friends and family.  Have reason to take your son with you on outings.  You have got to start giving your wife a reason to wish to be involved with you.  
  • Under_ConstructionUnder_Construction Australia Silver Member Posts: 338
    @Blackwulf my lawyer has advised me not to mention this guy again and avoid any language that might be interpreted as controlling. So not many options at present to eradicate this guy. 

    Yes am am working on all the other stuff just as you have suggested. 
  • BlackwulfBlackwulf Leading the pack. Silver Member Posts: 1,782
    You have to improve yourself, you have to not let her be your leader at home.  Make plans, limit your interactions to positive ones.  Be watchful, but this is time to focus on building.  You will be OK and so will your son.  

    You can't go from zero to sixty if your laws are set against you but you have to work on making sure you aren't disrespected.  

    You have got to decide if it is worth fighting for and how, and if it isn't then move swiftly while she thinks she has a branch to swing to. 

    Honestly you have to prepare for divorce on one hand and be willing to fight tooth and nail for your marriage.  You cannot be controlled by the fear of divorce.
    TenneeCartB4Horse
  • Under_ConstructionUnder_Construction Australia Silver Member Posts: 338
    edited January 25
    Blackwulf said:
    You will be OK and so will your son.  

    Thank you. I want to be ready for any possible outcome. Things are strangely quiet at the moment. I'm taking it as a chance to regroup and take the lead to do things with the family. Hopefully it's not the calm before the storm 
  • CartB4HorseCartB4Horse Southwest USASilver Member Posts: 4,155
    @Under_Construction - In my opinion the perfect way to set yourself up would be to work on yourself without a thought about what your wife is up to or what FB boy is doing.  You're too busy being kick ass to worry about that stuff.  You would pull a 180 on her that is done without malice, just move on without her (mentally).

    I couldn't do that when I was with my Ex.  I wallowed in pain and wanted to be the victim.  I didn't find MMSL until much later, when I was with my current (2nd) wife.  My first marriage went down in flames, but thanks to Athol, my second marriage is doing better than ever.

    MAP on!

    Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol.  Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....

    “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl 

  • Under_ConstructionUnder_Construction Australia Silver Member Posts: 338
    @CartB4Horse my thoughts exactly. Only 2 weeks in I have lost almost 3kg and feel fitter. Agree with the 180 part. 

    Hey I'm glad you're doing a lot better in your second marriage. I wish I had found Athol's work years ago....
  • CartB4HorseCartB4Horse Southwest USASilver Member Posts: 4,155
    @Under_Construction - Yea, I was going to say I wish I found his work earlier BUT then I wouldn't be with my current wife.

    Even though things can look like shit in your life right now you never know what the future holds.  Work hard to become a better man (you and I need to).

    You will be in a better place in the not too distant future.  Things need to change in order for that to happen.

    This stuff is extremely hard, especially in the beginning.  Many behaviors that need to change, thoughts that have no foundation.  Learn, work out, push yourself.

    Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol.  Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....

    “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl 

  • Under_ConstructionUnder_Construction Australia Silver Member Posts: 338
    @CartB4Horse appreciate the words of encouragement a lot, thank you 
  • Under_ConstructionUnder_Construction Australia Silver Member Posts: 338
    edited January 31
    @SMan thank you for your comments. Yes it's very hard to tell if she's contacting him - and I oscillate between not giving a damn and getting angry about it all over again and re-reading all those Facebook messages.

    I was actually going to do an update on things today. I was going to say "things have been not too bad lately, kind of like almost back to normal in a way. In the last 4 days or so my wife and I have been having casual banter, sometimes even laughing together. I spent most of this weekend doing things with my son which was great. My wife went out and had her hair done etc. yesterday and my boy and I hung out, saw my parents, went to the shops and had fun. Today was similar and I genuinely felt really bonded to my son." I was almost going to say I felt closer to my wife despite everything that had come between us, however I think I accidentally slipped into naivety on this one....read on... 

    After we put our boy to bed I cooked dinner and as we were washing up I asked if her dad was doing anything for his birthday which was coming up in a few weeks. She said that she might go up to her brothers (which is about 4 hours drive away) - which would mean at least an overnight stay. I asked if that would mean she'd be going by herself and she said she'd take our boy. I commented that I suppose her dad wouldn't want me there and she said something along the lines of "yes I suppose so". Then she said that I probably wouldn't want to go and I said I wasn't sure, however her parents not wanting me there wasn't right as I hadn't done anything wrong.....so there it goes....she then  said that yes I had - I had "destroyed our family by doing what I did". I said that I had done nothing wrong by bringing up the issue of no intimacy in our marriage...so she said "well look what it did"....I just kept cleaning up, said no more and moved on to another task.


    Honestly I thought she had thought about things a lot and was coming around in terms of owning some of this, but the "you destroyed our family" statement seems that whatever the hell crazy crap is going on is still deeply ingrained in her rationalisation process.

    I'm just glad I didn't go down the rabbit hole on this one and ended up having a massive argument which starts us at the beginning again. 

    I believe that I just have to keep telling myself that whatever happens is going to take a VERY LONG TIME. Any improvements I make to myself are going to take a VERY LONG TIME. If this marriage ever survives, getting back to some kind of level of goodness is going to take a VERY LONG TIME.

    After her comments tonight I just can't help going back to square one. I felt pretty rattled and upset. I can't help getting angry all over again as well. I can't help thinking, WTF am I doing with her? But at the same time I'm thinking "am I really this bad to do this...did I really 'destroy my family'?"

    I just need to focus and keep doing what I'm doing. Doing it for me and my boy whatever happens...sigh...

    she just went off to bed early without saying goodnight so she's obviously making a statement, and probably so she can text/message whoever she likes. Ok - that's me making assumptions and being negative.

    I was also going to say that a few days ago she was commenting how extremely tired she was for the past few weeks. Usually I'd keep questioning her about symptoms etc (I'm a nurse) but I just told her to see her GP. Then she said she wasn't sure if she liked her GP. I didn't say anything else after that. I really wanted to tell her to see a GP, get a bunch of bloods, see a psych, do some exercise and blah blah blah but of course I didn't. I probably said too much as it was. I'm still torn between wanting to offer advice and help vs ignoring and concentrating on my own recovery. Makes me very confused at times 
    Angelinecyclone
  • MartyJonesMartyJones USSilver Member Posts: 61
    Your wife is trying to rationalize whatever SHE did to "destroy" the marriage and turn it around on you. 
  • WarnPeaceWarnPeace AustraliaGold Men Posts: 125
    Yes, the wayward spouse will often demonise the partner to help justify their behaviour.
    INTJ & 7w8
  • Under_ConstructionUnder_Construction Australia Silver Member Posts: 338
    @MartyJones yes I believe this is true. I think not entering into the argument was the right thing to do and I didn't react to the barbed comments she made. Things seemed to have simmered down in the last few days (again). I'm actually enjoying the reprieve from the stress of thinking about the hell that this has been. At least I don't feel like crying constantly and I'm getting fitter every day. 

    I'm thinking about her father's birthday coming up in 2 weeks (bearing in mind their current low opinion of me). I used to play guitar in original bands. Was offered getting together for a rehearsal with an old band - but it was on his birthday. I haven't mentioned it yet. To be perfectly honest I feel like telling my wife I'll be rehearsing instead. This could be suicide however.....

    @WarnPeace yeah what is with that? It's like she's spun so much nonsense - to her friends, to her parents, to FB guy that she believes it. I think this is why I can't be sucked into dwelling on the past. But it makes it difficult when her parents are privvy to our situation, obviously support her version of events, so I have to try and repair my relationship with my
    wife AND her parents. One thing at a time I guess.
  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    If she's already said you are not welcome at her father's birthday ... why should she care what you are doing instead?

    For that matter, do you need to tell her what you're doing? "Go have fun with your dad, I'll think of something to do."

    Keep it legal and ethical, but within these limits, you don't need her approval for band practice.
    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
    BlackwulfPersephoneCartB4HorsewranglerMr_Sharp
  • Under_ConstructionUnder_Construction Australia Silver Member Posts: 338
    Thanks guys (@HildaCorners, @Blackwulf, @Tenee). Once again appreciate your input - will certainly take that on board. This is where is goes against my natural processes so will fight against it and make my own plans. 
    Tennee
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