My story - a triage too late

Angeline

You need to get in touch with the local domestic abuse shelters and ask what they can do to help.

Under_Construction

@Angeline I think in an emergency I would take my son with me to my parents. I would say however if it did come to her being extremely violent I would call the police and they would remove her. I am hoping it will never come to this though

HildaCorners

Definitely talk to your lawyer about this.

Police officers (at least the ones I've dealt with) don't give opinions or advice. Instead they hint at things they believe you should be doing ... mine said "you could get a restraining order if you wanted to" but he really meant "for your safety, get a restraining order NOW!" [I got one a week later. If you don't know USA lingo, a restraining order prevents someone from contacting you, physically or any other way. Mine caused my then husband to be removed from the house under police escort.]

If your policeman said this, you need to protect yourself 8 ways from Sunday. Talk to your lawyer. Find that abuse shelter that works with men and talk to one of their counselors. Talk to your lawyer. Seriously consider installing a video camera or voice activated tape recorder (in case you need evidence to show you didn't abuse her). Oh, and talk to your lawyer.

Again, I hope none of these precautions are necessary. But it's always better to be prepared for the worst and not need it than to be surprised with something that could ruin your life.

WheelMan

I would say however if it did come to her being extremely violent I would call the police and they would remove her.

When the police arrive and she points, you'll be the one removed.
That's the point the officer is trying to make to you.

Under_Construction

Because I can't vent much I'll do it here. 

Where the hell did I go wrong?

Did I screw up because I have nice guy syndrome and didn't take the lead?

Did this happen because I have nice guy syndrome and I gravitated towards some who is BSC and let her walk all over me?

Am I that bad for wanting sex with my wife?. Damit I still feel attracted to her and still want sex. WTF is wrong wth me. Or is it because I haven't had any intimacy for over 8 months, let alone decent sex for over 5 years? I feel like a desperate freak - yet I need to repress it from my mind and get on with life and face he reality of my
situation.  

Now all of a sudden it's like I've gone through hyperspace and now one minute I'm being asked to leave the house and threatened with losing my family and next minute it's just like normal except I'm no longer trying to get affection from my wife because I am now aware that that is a display of low value.  I'm not stupid - but how the hell did I get here?? How did I not see this coming?? Why was I ignoring the fact that I was trying to win affection that was never obtainable and trying even harder as a result?

Now I'm just waiting for something to happen and trying not to go insane in the process. I need to stop thinking for a while. @CartB4Horse need more MAP

Templar

Lift heavy things until exhaustion. Intense workouts help. Hang in there.

CartB4Horse

That ^^^^ was going to happen.  You were going to reach a point where you wonder what the hell went wrong, why did this happen?

Looks like you have things well in hand at home, with the advise of your attorney.  Good, keep it up.

Like you alluded, now is the time to MAP like your hair is on fire.  Work out to exhaustion.  Get yourself ready for post marriage, get awesome on HER dime, do it for yourself but most important, start NOW.

Under_Construction

@Templar thanks - you're totally right, will do this

@CartB4Horse - cheers man. Won't have much hair after this but thanks for the pep talk. Needed it badly. 

Under_Construction

Just an update if anyone is out there...

No further arguments, things have been relatively "normal" for the past 2 weeks. I think I may have said this before but it's almost like how things used to be - which is bad because knowing what I know now what kind of a relationship is that? (eg nothing beyond superficial pleasantries and housekeeping conversations). 

Oh I did tell her that I had been enquiring about public schooling as we may not be able to afford a private school for our child and she was quite upset at that. I made it clear that it was only a backup plan, because if we weren't together we'd certainly struggle to send him to an expensive school. She found it hard to accept this and seemed to think we'd both have to sacrifice everything to continue sending him to the "best" school. Although to me this seemed ridiculous I didn't communicate this and she reluctantly agreed to go on a school tour which is next week. I was also clear that I didn't want him to have to change schools, but we'd be pretty foolish not to have a back up plan just in case our finances didn't permit. She said I was giving her an ultimatum- if we stay together he stays in expensive school, if not he goes to cheap school. Once again I said it wasn't an ultimatum it was a contingency plan and nothing more. During this discussion I got the faint hint that she wasn't expecting to separate, but I didn't go there. I know soon we will need to talk about it but I want to stick with my plan for now, as crazy as it might be (as in focus on staying strong, getting fit and awaiting her to make the first move). It's funny because she is still talking in terms of "I thought you said our budget was ok for him to go to this school" and "can you check the budget again?". Very confusing actions when only a few weeks ago she was ready to throw me out of the door. 

I also managed to see a few texts from her mother. Nothing revealing except for her mother sending her the details of a lawyer. So I'm assuming she has only had bad advice so far from non-professionals. If she does see a lawyer then maybe she will finally get some good advice, or alternatively decide to take me to the cleaners. 

Overall she is being quite civil to me and of course I am in return. It's either a calm before the storm or perhaps she is thinking reconciliation is a better alternative. I don't even know what I want anymore. I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow to get a mental health plan so I can see a therapist to help me through this - as this "limbo" isn't doing me any good as time goes by. At least I'm looking better physically....

RedPillRon

"The stay plan is the Go plan". Stay the course and be prepared for either outcome. You have a wealth of information to draw from here. For now though, the best thing you can do is keep mapping and be vigilant.

CartB4Horse

So, that's what's going on in your world.  What are YOU doing this week to make yourself better?  Three monkeys?

Schooling for your son may have to change due to other, 'um, budgeting issues.  Two houses cost more than one.  Good thing you identified that and are taking corrective actions - your wife on the other hand just got her first taste of reality.  Bitter, isn't it sweetcheeks?

Under_Construction

@CartB4Horse getting some therapy I suppose and looking after myself. I see what you mean though - not a lot this week, mainly being negative I think. Three monkeys - sounds familiar, is it from Athol's books?

CartB4Horse

I'm not sure if three monkeys is from the book or the forum.  What is from the book is going after "low-hanging fruit", the easy stuff.  Working on a small number of things helps people get started on their MAP; working on easy REDs.

Under_Construction

I see what you mean. I need to read the book again as this is what I'm doing I think

Under_Construction

My wife berated me this morning for blending my shake for breakfast for too long and she couldn't stand the noise. I asked her why she was angry all the time and she said that I made her angry because I did the same routine all the time, I didn't everything in an OCD fashion and had to follow the same pattern every morning and never did anything different. I couldn't help trying to defend myself which I know is DLV - but seriously is there a problem having a morning routine? I have one with our son to get him ready for kindy and I have my own because that's how I prepare for getting off to work etc - otherwise nothing would happen. 

i just cant can't get past this criticism and I can't help looking into why it's happening - all I see is an unsalvageable situation. Unfortunately I keep looking for answers by how I could be doing things differently but it's probably just making it worse. I fear I'm slipping into a holding pattern which is slowly destroying me psychologically. I need to find out where this is heading. I'm booking in to see a psychologist soon to help with coping strategies 

Angeline

@frillyfun just posted this on another thread, and while hate"is probably way too strong a word, the gist is true.



I'm sorry you're going through this. That's such a bogus thing to say.

Under_Construction

@Angeline so I'm not being over sensitive about this? I did have to laugh about the quote though, but it does ring true. But what is worse??? Isn't he opposite of love not hate, but indifference??

Angeline

Oh I'm not saying you should blow it off, that's some shitty behavior. I think hate / love both share a lot of heat, but that doesn't make hate OK. What you want to avoid is contempt, and I'm not sure how you do that when someone is fighting any attempt to patch things up.

I think just be on your best behavior. Honest, firm, no bullshit, no anger, no whining. If the occasional incredulous snort of laughter pops out of you at her outrageous behavior, that would be great, but no sarcasm. Your marriage can't handle any more venom night now.

Under_Construction

@Angeline thank you for your comments, they do give me courage. It's interesting I was just choosing psychologists and the one I wanted to see cites a bit of Gottman. I looked him up and he talks about the Four Horsemen of the Marriage Apocalypse. All makes sense. I think contempt is right up there and it is certainly what I feel from my wife most of the time. I am certain it swings both ways though and I need to be mindful in particular of not using any sarcasm like you said - it appears to fall into the same category as contempt. Being aware of the Four Horsemen doesn't help much though, as they have already run through my marriage and are coming back for a second pass

Reborn

Angeline said:

@frillyfun just posted this on another thread, and while hate"is probably way too strong a word, the gist is true.



I'm sorry you're going through this. That's such a bogus thing to say.

Yeah this is very true. 

I've heard it described as "you eat too fast, you eat too slow, you talk too much, you never say anything, you're always hanging around here, you're always going out..." 

If someone's feeling bad, they can find an explanation in anything. It's not about the breakfast shake. 

(Edited to add: and I now see Angeline's comment on the other thread about "you're breathing wrong".)