@Under_Construction I think some of the snarky comments, from your wife, can be attributed to the "affair fog". Resentment, from the wayward spouse, is common in situations like yours.
Your situation is made more difficult because your lawyer has advised you against blowing up the affair. I'm not advising you to go against legal advice. Based on the way you describe your wife's recent behavior I would not rule out the possibility of this becoming "high conflict". The difficult part of this situation is the fact that your main objective (saving your marriage) is slightly different than your lawyers main objective (protecting you legally). The legal advice is completely sound but runs kind of counterintuitive to the advice usually given to guys in your situation.
Id highly recommend doing a one hour call with Athol.
@Under_Construction - I used to do some of the same things as you. It was how I behaved, I'd feel attacked and would want to defend myself for things that didn't make a damn bit of difference to my wife.
Do your routine every damn day. Whistle while you do it, exaggerate your routine. Understand YOU make the rules now, especially when it relates to YOU.
Let her comments roll off your back like water on a duck.
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
@CartB4Horse sounds like a plan @soa2005 agree that it's counterintuitive. I think as time goes on and her intentions are clearer I will have more scope to do the full MAP, i.e. If she is willing to commit to working on our marriage. I admit I have been procrastinating on the call to Athol mainly due to finances but also out of the fear of a reality check. I need to allocate the funds and go for it I know.
@Tennee I set myself up for that didn't I.... over the next month I'll siphon money into my PayPal to cover the one our Athol call so it doesn't look like one big chunk out of our bank account...
Thursday night - my wife criticizes me about how I have set our bill paying system up (I have handled all the finances for the entire relationship). After dinner she asks how much my gym membership is. When I tell her it's pre-tax through work (i.e. Cheaper) she says "well that's less money coming to us though isn't it?). Friday morning getting my son's breakfast ready "you're so slow in everything you do". Friday evening "why do you have so many clothes to wash? You have your gym clothes and your running clothes...FFS I'm not the washer woman". I had to laugh at that. On all occasions I had has very little to say in response. I did say just leave my clothes and I would wash them. Interesting that she's ramping up again.
I'm trying to stay positive. Weekends are just weird because I'm trying to think of activities to do with our son but don't know how much to involve my wife in them. After all the hassle she's giving me I'm pretty sure there's nothing much left of our marriage from her perspective. And all it's doing is making me dislike her more and more. Question is where to from here? I know it has to happen but I'm dead scared of having "the discussion" - I really want to ask my wife "so what are we doing?"...."are we going to try and fix this or not?"
I would advise against having that conversation with your wife right now.
On March 3rd you said you would begin getting funds set up for a one hour call with athol. I'd suggest the one hour call before you have any serious discussions with your wife.
First appointment with the psychologist this afternoon. I hope it is productive - need to keep some kind of positive force going because I've injured my leg and won't be able to exercise for a while
The psychologist was a decent enough guy, spent most of the hour filling hm in on my situation. He really didn't have a lot to offer. He recommended a book on children and divorce since he got the impression that things were heading that way.
We also talked about nice guy issues. He had heard of the book. @Athol_Kay you'll like this one. He said that Robert Glover's book was ok but a bit namby pamby. Instead I should check out a much better book by an author named Athol Kay....
I said I had read his books and watched the videos. Anyway - it affirmed to me that I'm on the right track regardless of whether or not I'm going to stay married. I just need to stay positive and avoid DLV's at all costs.
When I got home my wife asked where I had been. I didn't lie, I just came out and said I'd been to a psychologist. Maybe I should have just said "I've just been out". She didn't react. She was too occupied replacing her broken hair drier. When she got home from getting one I jokingly made a face at her (as in "what's in the shopping bag") and she said "see, you always make me feel guilty about buying things and spending money....etc" Basicaly she said straight out that I was controlling when it came to money. I must say this caught me off gaurd. She then said "so did you paint a picture to the psychologist of how you're so good and you've got a horrible wife" - or something along those lines. Once again I didn't bother to respond. I must say it did make me think for a second "am I really controlling like that?" But hey - I'm responsible for the finances so it's my duty to monitor money. I'm also contributing to the majority of the finances so if she wants to she can work more than two days a week by all means. Don't get me wrong, if she wants to buy something she usually buys it. I'm certainly not a tyrant. I've got a long way to go and I've got a lot to learn.
We also talked about nice guy issues. He had heard of the book. Athol_Kay you'll like this one. He said that Robert Glover's book was ok but a bit namby pamby. Instead I should check out a much better book by an author named Athol Kay....
That's funny!
To me, both books have the same message: if you have relationship problems, the best (and only) thing you can do is change yourself. This is a big surprise to many people, who keep on asking "yes but how do I get my spouse to ....."
Enneagram type 5 w6.
If I offer lots of advice, it's probably really me giving advice to myself. That always seems to happen.
We also talked about nice guy issues. He had heard of the book. @Athol_Kay you'll like this one. He said that Robert Glover's book was ok but a bit namby pamby. Instead I should check out a much better book by an author named Athol Kay....
"The turnaround is tremendous. And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects. I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force. He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well." - Scarlet
Things blew up again tonight. She was in a bad mood when she got home. She goaded me into an argument after she said I was so controlling. Then the whole "I just want you to leave" thing escalated again. I tried to remain as calm as I could. She doesn't want to reconcile. She said she'd never forgive me for bringing up our lack of intimacy. I said I wasn't going to leave until we had agree on an equal parenting plan for our son. She said that wasn't in his best interests. So around and around it went. She threatened to take him away to her parents - but she backed down. I suggested we see a mediator and at least she agreed to that.
Everything just escalated so quickly and took me by surprise after I thought we were doing better. I never thought someone could hold so much resentment for a person like she does for me. So much contempt and malice.
She's threatenening to take our son with him. I can't stop that. It's just a crap situation. I keep telling her if she needs space that she can leave for a while but the argument just keeps churning around. The way she's acting I can't see how me leaving for a "period of time" would allow her to suddenly realise that she still wants to be married to me.
I think I keep trying to make excuses as to why we should remain together however it's clear she just wants me gone with minimal fuss.
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BlackwulfLeading the pack. Silver MemberPosts: 1,782
You are living in a double bind if you can't confront her about the other man. Do you know of anything on that front? The whole shit for wanting space is to not feel guilty about the relationship.
Have you talked to another attorney?
What would happen if you lost your job? Does your wife have family that could maintain her lifestyle?
As long as there is another man in the picture you can't repair the relationship.
You are supporting the family and everything and she takes it for granted that would continue. Everything she imagines is built on that. How key is it that you are in the picture financially? What would happen if you just quit your job and went to live with family for a year and you had an honest mental health issue?
She has a positive vision of what she thinks the future will be like without you, that bubble needs to be burst.
Keep your frame cool. Don't let her drag you into pointless arguments - and most of the arguments are pointless. Everything you do is to improve yourself. Saving the marriage is hopefully the result of that improvement. This is hard - there is no denying it, but you can do it. Be cool.
Comments
I think some of the snarky comments, from your wife, can be attributed to the "affair fog". Resentment, from the wayward spouse, is common in situations like yours.
Your situation is made more difficult because your lawyer has advised you against blowing up the affair. I'm not advising you to go against legal advice. Based on the way you describe your wife's recent behavior I would not rule out the possibility of this becoming "high conflict". The difficult part of this situation is the fact that your main objective (saving your marriage) is slightly different than your lawyers main objective (protecting you legally). The legal advice is completely sound but runs kind of counterintuitive to the advice usually given to guys in your situation.
Id highly recommend doing a one hour call with Athol.
Do your routine every damn day. Whistle while you do it, exaggerate your routine. Understand YOU make the rules now, especially when it relates to YOU.
Let her comments roll off your back like water on a duck.
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
@soa2005 agree that it's counterintuitive. I think as time goes on and her intentions are clearer I will have more scope to do the full MAP, i.e. If she is willing to commit to working on our marriage. I admit I have been procrastinating on the call to Athol mainly due to finances but also out of the fear of a reality check. I need to allocate the funds and go for it I know.
How will you live well today?
over the next month I'll siphon money into my PayPal to cover the one our Athol call so it doesn't look like one big chunk out of our bank account...
As you keep MAPping, you'll find that you won't let yourself get away with it either.
This is hard work man, believe me I get it. Its worth it.
How will you live well today?
I'm trying to stay positive. Weekends are just weird because I'm trying to think of activities to do with our son but don't know how much to involve my wife in them. After all the hassle she's giving me I'm pretty sure there's nothing much left of our marriage from her perspective. And all it's doing is making me dislike her more and more. Question is where to from here? I know it has to happen but I'm dead scared of having "the discussion" - I really want to ask my wife "so what are we doing?"...."are we going to try and fix this or not?"
I would advise against having that conversation with your wife right now.
On March 3rd you said you would begin getting funds set up for a one hour call with athol. I'd suggest the one hour call before you have any serious discussions with your wife.
situation. He really didn't have a lot to offer. He recommended a book on children and divorce since he got the impression that things were heading that way.
We also talked about nice guy issues. He had heard of the book. @Athol_Kay you'll like this one. He said that Robert Glover's book was ok but a bit namby pamby. Instead I should check out a much better book by an author named Athol Kay....
I said I had read his books and watched the videos. Anyway - it affirmed to me that I'm on the right track regardless of whether or not I'm going to stay married. I just need to stay positive and avoid DLV's at all costs.
When I got home my wife asked where I had been. I didn't lie, I just came out and said I'd been to a psychologist. Maybe I should have just said "I've just been out". She didn't react. She was too occupied replacing her broken hair drier. When she got home from getting one I jokingly made a face at her (as in "what's in the shopping bag") and she said "see, you always make me feel guilty about buying things and spending money....etc" Basicaly she said straight out that I was controlling when it came to money. I must say this caught me off gaurd. She then said "so did you paint a picture to the psychologist of how you're so good and you've got a horrible wife" - or something along those lines. Once again I didn't bother to respond. I must say it did make me think for a second "am I really controlling like that?" But hey - I'm responsible for the finances so it's my duty to monitor money. I'm also contributing to the majority of the finances so if she wants to she can work more than two days a week by all means. Don't get me wrong, if she wants to buy something she usually buys it. I'm certainly not a tyrant. I've got a long way to go and I've got a lot to learn.
That's funny!
To me, both books have the same message: if you have relationship problems, the best (and only) thing you can do is change yourself. This is a big surprise to many people, who keep on asking "yes but how do I get my spouse to ....."
One Hour Call 12-Week Guided MAP
"The turnaround is tremendous. And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects. I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force. He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well." - Scarlet
plan for our son. She said that wasn't in his best interests. So around and around it went. She threatened to take him away to her parents - but she backed down. I suggested we see a mediator and at least she agreed to that.
Everything just escalated so quickly and took me by surprise after I thought we were doing better. I never thought someone could hold so much resentment for a person like she does for me. So much contempt and malice.
Happy Easter....
i cant ant see what can be gained by me leaving the house to "give her space"
telling her if she needs space that she can leave for a while but the argument just keeps churning around. The way she's acting I can't see how me leaving for a "period of time" would allow her to suddenly realise that she still wants to be married to me.
I think I keep trying to make excuses as to why we should remain together however it's clear she just wants me gone with minimal fuss.
Have you talked to another attorney?
What would happen if you lost your job? Does your wife have family that could maintain her lifestyle?
As long as there is another man in the picture you can't repair the relationship.
You are supporting the family and everything and she takes it for granted that would continue. Everything she imagines is built on that. How key is it that you are in the picture financially? What would happen if you just quit your job and went to live with family for a year and you had an honest mental health issue?
She has a positive vision of what she thinks the future will be like without you, that bubble needs to be burst.