My story - a triage too late

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Comments

  • Under_ConstructionUnder_Construction Australia Silver Member Posts: 338
    I guess the only solution is to continue to gain strength and maintain my integrity
    HildaCornersAdamBeckerSmashmaster
  • soa2005soa2005 United statesSilver Member Posts: 631
    @Under_Construction ;
    I think some of the snarky comments, from your wife, can be attributed to the "affair fog". Resentment, from the wayward spouse, is common in situations like yours. 

    Your situation is made more difficult because your lawyer has advised you against blowing up the affair. I'm not advising you to go against legal advice. Based on the way you describe your wife's recent behavior I would not rule out the possibility of this becoming "high conflict". The difficult part of this situation is the fact that your main objective (saving your marriage) is slightly different than your lawyers main objective (protecting you legally). The legal advice is completely sound but runs kind of counterintuitive to the advice usually given to guys in your situation. 

    Id highly recommend doing a one hour call with Athol. 
    AngelineCrashaxe
  • CartB4HorseCartB4Horse Southwest USASilver Member Posts: 4,155
    @Under_Construction - I used to do some of the same things as you.  It was how I behaved, I'd feel attacked and would want to defend myself for things that didn't make a damn bit of difference to my wife.

    Do your routine every damn day.  Whistle while you do it, exaggerate your routine. Understand YOU make the rules now, especially when it relates to YOU.

    Let her comments roll off your back like water on a duck.

    Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol.  Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....

    “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl 

    Under_Construction
  • Under_ConstructionUnder_Construction Australia Silver Member Posts: 338
    @CartB4Horse sounds like a plan
    @soa2005 agree that it's counterintuitive. I think as time goes on and her intentions are clearer I will have more scope to do the full MAP, i.e. If she is willing to commit to working on our marriage. I admit I have been procrastinating on the call to Athol mainly due to finances but also out of the fear of a reality check. I need to allocate the funds and go for it I know. 
  • Under_ConstructionUnder_Construction Australia Silver Member Posts: 338
    edited March 3
    @Tennee I set myself up for that didn't I....
    over the next month I'll siphon money into my PayPal to cover the one our Athol call so it doesn't look like one big chunk out of our bank account...
  • TenneeTennee Next Stop: AwesomevilleSilver Member Posts: 5,963
    @Tennee I set myself up for that didn't I....
    We see what we want to see man - all of us do it.  One of the most beautiful things about this place is, people don't let you get away with it. 

    As you keep MAPping, you'll find that you won't let yourself get away with it either.

    This is hard work man, believe me I get it.  Its worth it. 
    "Fall down seven times, stand up eight"  Japanese Proverb

    How will you live well today?
    Under_ConstructionCartB4HorseSmashmaster
  • Under_ConstructionUnder_Construction Australia Silver Member Posts: 338
    edited March 12
    Thursday night - my wife criticizes me about how I have set our bill paying system up (I have handled all the finances for the entire relationship). After dinner she asks how much my gym membership is. When I tell her it's pre-tax through work (i.e. Cheaper) she says "well that's less money coming to us though isn't it?). Friday morning getting my son's breakfast ready "you're so slow in everything you do". Friday evening "why do you have so many clothes to wash? You have your gym clothes and your running clothes...FFS I'm not the washer woman". I had to laugh at that. On all occasions I had has very little to say in response. I did say just leave my clothes and I would wash them. Interesting that she's ramping up again. 

    I'm trying to stay positive. Weekends are just weird because I'm trying to think of activities to do with our son but don't know how much to involve my wife in them. After all the hassle she's giving me I'm pretty sure there's nothing much left of our marriage from her perspective. And all it's doing is making me dislike her more and more. Question is where to from here? I know it has to happen but I'm dead scared of having "the discussion" - I really want to ask my wife "so what are we doing?"...."are we going to try and fix this or not?"
  • Under_ConstructionUnder_Construction Australia Silver Member Posts: 338
    @soa2005 good point. It'll take me 2-3 more weeks to get the funds together
  • Under_ConstructionUnder_Construction Australia Silver Member Posts: 338
    First appointment with the psychologist this afternoon. I hope it is productive - need to keep some kind of positive force going because I've injured my leg and won't be able to exercise for a while
  • RebornReborn LondonGold Men Posts: 2,987

    We also talked about nice guy issues. He had heard of the book. Athol_Kay you'll like this one. He said that Robert Glover's book was ok but a bit namby pamby. Instead I should check out a much better book by an author named Athol Kay....
     

    That's funny!

    To me, both books have the same message: if you have relationship problems, the best (and only) thing you can do is change yourself. This is a big surprise to many people, who keep on asking "yes but how do I get my spouse to ....."

    Enneagram type 5 w6. 
    If I offer lots of advice, it's probably really me giving advice to myself. That always seems to happen. 
    AngelineScarletJellyBean
  • Under_ConstructionUnder_Construction Australia Silver Member Posts: 338
    Things blew up again tonight. She was in a bad mood when she got home. She goaded me into an argument after she said I was so controlling. Then the whole "I just want you to leave" thing escalated again. I tried to remain as calm as I could. She doesn't want to reconcile. She said she'd never forgive me for bringing up our lack of intimacy. I said I wasn't going to leave until we had agree on an equal parenting
    plan for our son. She said that wasn't in his best interests. So around and around it went. She threatened to take him away to her parents - but she backed down. I suggested we see a mediator and at least she agreed to that. 

    Everything just escalated so quickly and took me by surprise after I thought we were doing better. I never thought someone could hold so much resentment for a person like she does for me. So much contempt and malice. 

    Happy Easter....
    CartB4Horsemaverickamblrgirl
  • Under_ConstructionUnder_Construction Australia Silver Member Posts: 338
    edited March 24
    Sorry - trying to stay as positive as I can be but it all seems impossible 

    i cant ant see what can be gained by me leaving the house to "give her space"
  • TemplarTemplar WashingtonSilver Member Posts: 3,371
    Don't leave the house to give her space. If she needs space, she can leave the house.
    HildaCornersJellyBeanCrashaxe
  • Under_ConstructionUnder_Construction Australia Silver Member Posts: 338
    edited March 24
    She's threatenening to take our son with him. I can't stop that. It's just a crap situation. I keep
    telling her if she needs space that she can leave for a while but the argument just keeps churning around. The way she's acting I can't see how me leaving for a "period of time" would allow her to suddenly realise that she still wants to be married to me. 

    I think I keep trying to make excuses as to why we should remain together however it's clear she just wants me gone with minimal fuss. 
  • TemplarTemplar WashingtonSilver Member Posts: 3,371
    Keep your frame cool. Don't let her drag you into pointless arguments - and most of the arguments are pointless. Everything you do is to improve yourself. Saving the marriage is hopefully the result of that improvement. This is hard - there is no denying it, but you can do it. Be cool. 
    Under_Construction
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