Always Felt So Homely- HELP!

BettyBetty Member Posts: 11

Not sure where to start, so here goes!

I've never really tried at all when it comes to looks because I've always had really low self-confidence; trying seemed like a waste of time when I felt I was so fundamentally unattractive.  Because of that, I’ve never had a boyfriend and never been on a single date.  I just turned 28, however, and I’m tired of feeling like the un-datable loser virgin.  I’ve (finally) decided I’m not okay with being alone forever.  I have no idea what to do, though.  I’m improving my wardrobe, going to the gym, and I’m working on makeup, but it’s hard to get motivated when I don’t know where to start and I still deep down feel ugly.  On top of that, I’ve been poking around on a lot of red pill websites and reading about “the wall” and now I feel too old for dating and a quality relationship (not just a one night stand or a fling).  So I’m here for advice on what I can do before I have to completely resign myself to spinsterhood.

Personality-wise, I’m awfully shy (though I’ve tried hard on that front lately and people have said I’ve really “blossomed”) and people describe me as extremely sweet, kind, intelligent, and “innocent.” Physically, I’m 5’1” and about 113 lbs and have a relatively curvy figure (B cup, hip-to-waist ratio of 0.68).  I know that I look young in person (not sure if that translated in the photos) because I’m often mistaken for a high school student (or just a little older), even by actual high schoolers. In person I also smile a lot, though never in photos because I don't like how my smile looks in photos.

I’m pretty camera shy so I have very few photos of myself, but here are two I took while shopping for a dress, to give you an idea of my figure (and my strange taste in fashion :/ ).

http://imgur.com/v2GCHte

http://imgur.com/khwKnTY

And here are two of my face, both with and without my glasses. They look terrible because I had just literally rolled out of bed and hadn’t even brushed my hair.  I figured seeing me at my worst would give a better idea of my baseline looks.

http://imgur.com/r8UDDwX (glasses)

http://imgur.com/WWNo6Rm (no glasses)

Sorry the photos are terrible; I never take selfies and have no idea what I’m doing.

Hope that’s enough info to start with. Any advice would be appreciated; hair, fitness, personality, anything!  Thank you all for reading!

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Comments

  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    Welcome, Betty!

    I remember being just like you ... young, with a good face, but an incredibly poor self image. It was only when I reached my 50s that I realized I was a 9 when I was in my 20s :/

    Very, very few women are beautiful without good hairstyles and makeup. In fact, beauty is defined as having regular features that are an average for the cultural group. If you don't believe that, google some celebrity photos without makeup ... you look better with a naked face than most "hot women."

    Once you accept that, the only trick is learning how to beat them at their own game. And that means experimenting with hairstyles, makeup and clothing to find out what makes you look awesome. For makeup, a good place to start learning (or perfect your technique) is Lisa Eldrige's YouTube channel. She's a pro makeup artist and her vlogs cover all types of women and all types of makeup.

    Of course, it's not just looking good that's important. You have to be a pleasant person, friendly without being a doormat. We talk about that here in various places.

    Finally, don't trust the manosphere sites. Most of them score women based on the qualities that make a good one-night stand, not a LTR or marriage partner. Many of the manosphere bloggers don't like women much (except as bed mates). So they are biased against you even before you begin. [According to one of them, I don't even have a rank, because I'm over 45. Or was it 35? It's bull-puckey ... I'm quite attractive to older men.]

    Anyway, stick around. Even though this is a marriage site, there are a number of us single women here ... Athol's self improvement advice applies to us too.

    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
    Moon_Girl
  • SaigoTakamoriSaigoTakamori FLSilver Member Posts: 3,075
    edited February 2
    You are the guy in red!

    Stiff arm that asshole, FEAR, and runto daylight, Dammit!

    Oh yeah, stop reading those manosphere blogs.
    henry.0.gif
    500 x 284 - 3M
    Sweat More...bitch less
    Fate favors the prepared.
    Howard
  • markymapomarkymapo Silver Member Posts: 542
    "I've never really tried at all when it comes to looks because I've always had really low self-confidence; trying seemed like a waste of time when I felt I was so fundamentally unattractive."


    That right there is the root of the problem. By NOT even trying to look better tells the world you've given up and you're not worthy of a mate. 

    Personally, in 2011, I was 20lbs overweight, my teeth were not the best. I was out of shape and ate bad foods. I could have easily sat around and wallowed in my misery...but I did not. I started eating better and working out, lost 22lbs. I got Invisalign and whitened my teeth. 

    Low and behold what happened???

    My confidence exploded. I smiled more and talked to strangers. Not looking to pick up woman or find a mate, I did it just to come out of my shell. 

    I get it that's it's much tougher for women to get up in morning, take a 20 minute shower, do your hair and makeup and get clothes ready. 
    For guys, or maybe it's just me, I take a 5 minute shower, shave takes 2/3 minutes, iron my clothes and I'm done in 15 minutes. 

    Most, if not all men, look at attractiveness, body shape when first seeing a woman. It's what catches our eyes. We think, how would this woman be in bed. I know it sucks that we do this but it's male human nature. 

    If a woman is not all that attractive or out of shape, her personality is what may attract us. But looks is what draws a guy in. 

    We can all comment on this post and say you're a cute woman and there's is nothing you have to do but the truth is, you're not happy with your looks. 

    The good thing is, you can do things to change that. A new hair style is easy, if you don't like it, it will just grow out.
    Get contacts. 

    As for the gym, I think a nice long walk or jog, which is free, can save you a lot of money. 
    Situps at home, and some inexpensive weights might be all you need. You're not looking to bulk up. Just tone up. 

    I seen your pics you posted and they look different in both. One pic your hair is all over the place and you look mad. The other, your hair is better and at least your not looking mad. Little changes go a long way. 
    Post a pic with your hair done and some makeup, then smile. 


    This is just my opinion from a guy. BTW, I'd date you. You are cute. 

    To add: Do you go out with friends or do you have hobbies that gets you out to meet people?
  • MongrelMongrel Pennsylvania, USASilver Member Posts: 1,869
    Wow, so much to say here.

    First, I'm a guy and I will concur that you need to stop or be very selective about what you read in the manosphere. While it can be educational it can also be hopelessly negative. That you are 28 and talking about "The Wall" is an illustration of that. You are decades away from The Wall. Don't be so negative. Don't use it as an excuse to not make an effort.

    As far as your appearance, you are very pretty...but aren't doing a good job of showing it. Nice facial features, exceptional lips, great eyes and a wonderful figure. The hair needs work and I'm not sure your glasses are the best choice for your face. I wouldn't necessarily ditch them for contacts; if you can wear contacts it would probably be better but I personally like glasses on girls. A little nerdy is kind of a turn-on. Ex: Tina Fey. Yum.



    The wife and I used to watch What Not To Wear pretty religiously. If you can find episodes online or DVD I'd suggest watching them as they can give you some great ideas of what you're doing wrong and what to do instead. A couple of things I would say are you need to dress in things that flatter your shape (no baggy crap) and also clothes that are more mature. You do have a very 'young' look to you so it is important to not look like a high-schooler. I'd not have guess in most of your photos you were 28 and might have dismissed you as far too young to date!

    Aside from those things you need to build confidence in yourself. Clothes will help that, but I think you need to challenge yourself. Find something that you want to do that you feel may be difficult and that gets you out of the house. Shoot guns at a range, practice and compete in a marathon, learn to ride motorcycle...something along those lines. Learning to play piano won't get you out and meeting people. Dance lessons...you get the idea. Also read How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

    Finally, I'd offer a caution. As you work toward your goal of finding a mate don't succumb to the desire to settle. Remember that you are the prize. Finding a good mate is not easy. Beware of Oneitis. Beware of PUA's. Look for a guy who is interesting, shows leadership, makes you laugh and blush but who treats you like a lady. Not many of them out there but we exist. :)
    "If you're not happy with your life, you've got to identify why, and do something about it." -- Mandrill
    "Treating her like a princess didn't make me a prince, it made me a servant."
    Link to triage questions:  http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/


    amblrgirlAngelineWinterMiddleMan
  • never_againnever_again CanadaSilver Member Posts: 1,372
    Concur with everyone here.   You've got all the ingredients, (:wow:) you just need to use them to make a better cake.  And yeah, rock the nerdy look.

    Sexy is a state of mind.  It's like confidence in a man.  Part of it is taking off the filter that inhibits you.  That part of your brain that says "what will x think of me if I say what I really want to say".  Just say it.  

    Say what's in your head and your heart.  Show the world your true essence.  

    I'm guessing that more than your shyness, you're afraid of being hurt.  What happened in your past that in-grained that fear?  Something instilled that fear in you, that feeling that you are ugly (and you are not - no, you are definitely not).



    The man who gives his woman everything ends up with nothing. Not even the woman.
    AngelineSignorePillolaRossa
  • DaddyOhDaddyOh CTGold Men Posts: 1,589
    Agree with everyone else. 
    Doubt that there's no one interested in you.

    There's thousand of examples where attraction was exposed after the fact. I.e "I didn't know you felt that way about me, I also was interested and would've made a move".

    Look around, odds are there's a guy who made a move but you weren't paying attention or were too shy.
    "How vain it is to sit down and write when you have not stood up to live."
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