You have found an archive of the MMSL Forum, which shut down on December 27, 2016. You can continue these discussions on this forum
Not sure where to start, so here goes!
I've never really tried at all when it comes to looks because I've always had really low self-confidence; trying seemed like a waste of time when I felt I was so fundamentally unattractive. Because of that, I’ve never had a boyfriend and never been on a single date. I just turned 28, however, and I’m tired of feeling like the un-datable loser virgin. I’ve (finally) decided I’m not okay with being alone forever. I have no idea what to do, though. I’m improving my wardrobe, going to the gym, and I’m working on makeup, but it’s hard to get motivated when I don’t know where to start and I still deep down feel ugly. On top of that, I’ve been poking around on a lot of red pill websites and reading about “the wall” and now I feel too old for dating and a quality relationship (not just a one night stand or a fling). So I’m here for advice on what I can do before I have to completely resign myself to spinsterhood.
Personality-wise, I’m awfully shy (though I’ve tried hard on that front lately and people have said I’ve really “blossomed”) and people describe me as extremely sweet, kind, intelligent, and “innocent.” Physically, I’m 5’1” and about 113 lbs and have a relatively curvy figure (B cup, hip-to-waist ratio of 0.68). I know that I look young in person (not sure if that translated in the photos) because I’m often mistaken for a high school student (or just a little older), even by actual high schoolers. In person I also smile a lot, though never in photos because I don't like how my smile looks in photos.
I’m pretty camera shy so I have very few photos of myself, but here are two I took while shopping for a dress, to give you an idea of my figure (and my strange taste in fashion ).
And here are two of my face, both with and without my glasses. They look terrible because I had just literally rolled out of bed and hadn’t even brushed my hair. I figured seeing me at my worst would give a better idea of my baseline looks.
http://imgur.com/r8UDDwX (glasses)
http://imgur.com/WWNo6Rm (no glasses)
Sorry the photos are terrible; I never take selfies and have
no idea what I’m doing.
Hope that’s enough info to start with. Any advice would be appreciated; hair, fitness, personality, anything! Thank you all for reading!
Comments
Read this: http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2015/08/ugly-girls-dont-exist.html
And these:
http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/12/female-game-for-girls-in-their-20s.html
http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2013/02/female-game-for-women-in-their-30s.html
http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/feminine-beauty-is-highly-controllable.html
And hang out over in the girl game threads. And welcome! There is definitely hope!
First, stop reading the manosphere. It is a black hole of negativity and does not reflect reality.
BTW, if at any point you want your photos edited out, tag me and let me know.
Shyness can be cute but can also make you look at yourself in a negative way. I would suggest just talking to as many people as possible during the day. If you are shopping and there is a male cashier, go to his checkout and practice making snmall talk. This can really help boost your self esteem.
Even though im a guy, I had the same issues when I was younger. I had major issues talking to women and I missed out on so much. I always had body issues up until just recently. When I was in highschool, there was this pretty girl that would constantly look at me and smile teirl her hair. I was too scared to talk to her let alone ask her out.
Please, work on your shyness, you are in no way homely!! I'm sure others will chime in and tell you what they think.
I personally think you have the cute girl next door/country girl look that a lot of guys just love.
You are an attractive woman. Your concerns about your looks are all in your head. I'd sure ask you out if I were single and looking.
A different hairstyle and makeup would help, but you have a natural beauty, both face and body. Makeup would just be icing on the cake.
“I’m going to plead with you, do not cross us. Because if you do, the survivors will write about what we do here for 10,000 years.” General James Mattis, USMC
I remember being just like you ... young, with a good face, but an incredibly poor self image. It was only when I reached my 50s that I realized I was a 9 when I was in my 20s
Very, very few women are beautiful without good hairstyles and makeup. In fact, beauty is defined as having regular features that are an average for the cultural group. If you don't believe that, google some celebrity photos without makeup ... you look better with a naked face than most "hot women."
Once you accept that, the only trick is learning how to beat them at their own game. And that means experimenting with hairstyles, makeup and clothing to find out what makes you look awesome. For makeup, a good place to start learning (or perfect your technique) is Lisa Eldrige's YouTube channel. She's a pro makeup artist and her vlogs cover all types of women and all types of makeup.
Of course, it's not just looking good that's important. You have to be a pleasant person, friendly without being a doormat. We talk about that here in various places.
Finally, don't trust the manosphere sites. Most of them score women based on the qualities that make a good one-night stand, not a LTR or marriage partner. Many of the manosphere bloggers don't like women much (except as bed mates). So they are biased against you even before you begin. [According to one of them, I don't even have a rank, because I'm over 45. Or was it 35? It's bull-puckey ... I'm quite attractive to older men.]
Anyway, stick around. Even though this is a marriage site, there are a number of us single women here ... Athol's self improvement advice applies to us too.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
P.S. I kinda want the green dress.
Don't read any more manosphere ranting.
Tag me too if you decide you want to remove your pics in case one of us isn't immediately available.
@Nubby's suggestion to talk to that cute guy serving you coffee is something I recommend to people trying to get past shyness, but I'd recommend a little more of a plan to it. Start with making yourself look people in the eyes and smile and say hi, 1 new person every day for a few weeks, until you're always looking and smiling and you even accidentally say hi to more than 1 person a day. The cute guys might be too much to start with, so smile at everyone. Old ladies, little kids, cashiers, security guards, everyone!
Eventually you can add something really daring like an improv class or a Toastmasters speech group or a theater tryout.
Your goal in these is to touch and engage with people, make a little connection, leave a wake as you move through your life.
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
You are pretty.
Self talk.... I AM. . Are the two Most Powerful words.
Fate favors the prepared.
Stiff arm that asshole, FEAR, and runto daylight, Dammit!
Oh yeah, stop reading those manosphere blogs.
Fate favors the prepared.
That right there is the root of the problem. By NOT even trying to look better tells the world you've given up and you're not worthy of a mate.
Personally, in 2011, I was 20lbs overweight, my teeth were not the best. I was out of shape and ate bad foods. I could have easily sat around and wallowed in my misery...but I did not. I started eating better and working out, lost 22lbs. I got Invisalign and whitened my teeth.
Low and behold what happened???
My confidence exploded. I smiled more and talked to strangers. Not looking to pick up woman or find a mate, I did it just to come out of my shell.
I get it that's it's much tougher for women to get up in morning, take a 20 minute shower, do your hair and makeup and get clothes ready.
For guys, or maybe it's just me, I take a 5 minute shower, shave takes 2/3 minutes, iron my clothes and I'm done in 15 minutes.
Most, if not all men, look at attractiveness, body shape when first seeing a woman. It's what catches our eyes. We think, how would this woman be in bed. I know it sucks that we do this but it's male human nature.
If a woman is not all that attractive or out of shape, her personality is what may attract us. But looks is what draws a guy in.
We can all comment on this post and say you're a cute woman and there's is nothing you have to do but the truth is, you're not happy with your looks.
The good thing is, you can do things to change that. A new hair style is easy, if you don't like it, it will just grow out.
Get contacts.
As for the gym, I think a nice long walk or jog, which is free, can save you a lot of money.
Situps at home, and some inexpensive weights might be all you need. You're not looking to bulk up. Just tone up.
I seen your pics you posted and they look different in both. One pic your hair is all over the place and you look mad. The other, your hair is better and at least your not looking mad. Little changes go a long way.
Post a pic with your hair done and some makeup, then smile.
This is just my opinion from a guy. BTW, I'd date you. You are cute.
To add: Do you go out with friends or do you have hobbies that gets you out to meet people?
Would you take into account getting a haircut? Just for shape, by all means keep the length.
A layered cut to frame your face would look great on you IMO.
Something like that:
You definitely don't need a lot of makeup.
Try some mascara to make your eyes pop (You've got great eyes btw!) and perhaps a bit of lipgloss. That's it.
If you wear the dress with the pink belt you could try pink lipgloss/lipstick and pink nail polish.
HAve fun!
If you want us to be unapologetically feminine, be unapologetically masculine.
First, I'm a guy and I will concur that you need to stop or be very selective about what you read in the manosphere. While it can be educational it can also be hopelessly negative. That you are 28 and talking about "The Wall" is an illustration of that. You are decades away from The Wall. Don't be so negative. Don't use it as an excuse to not make an effort.
As far as your appearance, you are very pretty...but aren't doing a good job of showing it. Nice facial features, exceptional lips, great eyes and a wonderful figure. The hair needs work and I'm not sure your glasses are the best choice for your face. I wouldn't necessarily ditch them for contacts; if you can wear contacts it would probably be better but I personally like glasses on girls. A little nerdy is kind of a turn-on. Ex: Tina Fey. Yum.
The wife and I used to watch What Not To Wear pretty religiously. If you can find episodes online or DVD I'd suggest watching them as they can give you some great ideas of what you're doing wrong and what to do instead. A couple of things I would say are you need to dress in things that flatter your shape (no baggy crap) and also clothes that are more mature. You do have a very 'young' look to you so it is important to not look like a high-schooler. I'd not have guess in most of your photos you were 28 and might have dismissed you as far too young to date!
Aside from those things you need to build confidence in yourself. Clothes will help that, but I think you need to challenge yourself. Find something that you want to do that you feel may be difficult and that gets you out of the house. Shoot guns at a range, practice and compete in a marathon, learn to ride motorcycle...something along those lines. Learning to play piano won't get you out and meeting people. Dance lessons...you get the idea. Also read How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
Finally, I'd offer a caution. As you work toward your goal of finding a mate don't succumb to the desire to settle. Remember that you are the prize. Finding a good mate is not easy. Beware of Oneitis. Beware of PUA's. Look for a guy who is interesting, shows leadership, makes you laugh and blush but who treats you like a lady. Not many of them out there but we exist.
"Treating her like a princess didn't make me a prince, it made me a servant."
Link to triage questions: http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/
I think glasses can be attractive, but the plain frames you have are saying "don't look at me". Check out a site like Warby Parker, or Zenni Optical- they have fun frames that won't break your budget. Warby Parker sends you them to try on before they make them into glasses.
A little jewelry can be a nice way to perk up your look, and start a conversation.
I agree with Maria- you really don't need much makeup at all. Mascara, lip gloss, and a little blush is all really need- 3 minutes tops. If you're comfortable with it- tweeze your brows back just a little. I think it will open up your eye area, and it can make a huge difference. A lot of Ulta's have a brow bar, and it's easy enough to maintain them at home if you get someone to do the initial shaping.
You have so much to work with!!!
Lots of good advice here, do it all! It's all true about learning to make eye contact, small talk, new activities to meet people.
re: working on your appearance: I suggest you approach it systematically, with research.
- Find out your body type: looks like you're an hourglass; are your proportions regular or petite (shorter arms/legs)? Then Google "how to dress hourglass/petite/etc.". That will tell you what kind of necklines, skirt lengths etc will be the most flattering. You don't have to look like a street walker but you can be classy while erring on the side of more form-fitting, hemlines above the knee, etc. Don't forget the shoes, what style, heel height etc. would look good with what outfit.
- Get professionally fitted for a bra. Just walk into an upscale bra store, or Nordstrom even, and ask to be fitted. If you've never had this done, you will be shocked at the difference the right fit makes. (It is very possible that you're higher than a B cup.) You will feel sexy! Also, replace most of your underwear with sexy styles. Once again, it will put a spring in your step and no one will know why!
- Find out your color "season" (Color Me Beautiful, etc.): that will tell you what colors will look best with your skin/hair/eyes.
- Learn the basics of makeup; you need only a little, but make it good: with your coloring, brown (not black) mascara, brown or plum eyeliner, nude/pink/peach lip color, matching nail polish. Start a skincare routine if you don't have one; your skin looks nice in the picture - you want to keep it that way for as long as possible!
- Find out what hair style is the most flattering for your face. Google it, talk to your hair stylist, friends/co-workers/relatives, look at celebrity photos that look a bit like you. Take into account your hair type: wavy, not straight, correct? Google best haircuts for wavy hair.
In the process of doing all this you will also develop an "eye" for all these things - hair, makeup, clothes, simply because you'll be paying attention. You will start noticing what works or doesn't work on others. Practice makes perfect.
The thing to keep in mind is that how you look doesn't match how you feel. I am your height and body type, but older, post-kids, and working on getting down to your weight. Two years ago I found this place and basically learned all my "girl game" here. I made myself over systematically, just as I'm suggesting you do. So what happens now is occasionally I will still have an "off" day and feel like a middle-aged ugly duckling, but my bases are covered, and so I'll catch a glimpse of my reflection in an elevator door and go, hey, I'm actually sexy!
Happy shopping, my dear, and tell us how it goes.
Sexy is a state of mind. It's like confidence in a man. Part of it is taking off the filter that inhibits you. That part of your brain that says "what will x think of me if I say what I really want to say". Just say it.
Say what's in your head and your heart. Show the world your true essence.
I'm guessing that more than your shyness, you're afraid of being hurt. What happened in your past that in-grained that fear? Something instilled that fear in you, that feeling that you are ugly (and you are not - no, you are definitely not).
Doubt that there's no one interested in you.
There's thousand of examples where attraction was exposed after the fact. I.e "I didn't know you felt that way about me, I also was interested and would've made a move".
Look around, odds are there's a guy who made a move but you weren't paying attention or were too shy.
but yeah, those pics show there is nothing structural in the way of you continuing to blossom into a very high quality young woman ... it's all between your ears now .... build the mindset and take the actions of the woman you want to be ... some guy's gonna be hella lucky to find you
so go forth and be awesome
one thing i'll toss out there for your consideration is to surround yourself with levity and laughter ... listen to podcasts that make you laugh, listen to stand-up comediuans who make you laugh, watch movies or tv shows that make you laugh ... cultivate the quality to see and enjoy uplifting humor in everything around you ...
and stay away from cable news / fearmongering / etc media outlets ... dont let the world drag you down into their morass ...
at some point you might want to reflect on what your environmental messaging was like when you were growing up and see about excising any remaining sources of negativity from your life if they are still present
but for now, get on your girl game!
have fun - be safe - good luck
============================
Fuck Culture. Live your life - Beatrice
It's the reason I'm here, and will do a lot to address the underlying energy/confidence you'll need to believe - and act like - you are a high-value person.
M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map