AoM's primer on something similar to STFU

mook_z

Never Complain; Never Explain | The Art of Manliness http://www.artofmanliness.com/2016/02/09/never-complain-never-explain/

Never complain; never explain.
This pithy little maxim was first coined by the British politician and prime minister Benjamin Disraeli, and adopted as a motto by many other high-ranking Brits — from members of royalty, to navy admirals, to fellow prime minsters Stanley Baldwin and Winston Churchill. The maxim well encapsulates the stiff-upper lipped-ness of the Victorian age, but the timeless wisdom it contains has made it a guiding mantra of powerful, confident, accountability-prizing men up through the modern day.
The “nevers” of course aren’t ironclad and don’t apply to every situation, and even when they should apply, they can be hard to follow through on! But understanding when, where, and why to apply this maxim is truly a great help in becoming a more autonomous and assertive man.
Its four words pack a lot of truth in a small space and work on a few different levels. So let’s unpack them, starting with the meat of the matter — “never explain” — and working backwards.

Read the rest there.

The "never complain" has served me well. It just sounds like whining.  Ask @PhoenixDown how I tolerate that from our kids.  The "never explain" is less ironclad. I'm a big fan of "because [insert reason]" as a social lubricant. See http://www.sociallypsyched.org/item/xerox-mindfulness-experiment

Edited link - Angeline

SaigoTakamori

@mook_z   good article,  Thanks for the share.

I too do not abide by complainers and whiners  @Chief_TC ;

I always said.
 "Stop doing this (pointing at others) and Start doing this (pointing at yourself)"

Serenity

Some of the times I've felt the closest to my husband is when he 'lets me complain to him'. 

He holds me, I cry, I feel connected. Sometimes then we have sex.

If he wasn't willing to comfort me when I'm feeling down, or just tried to solve it for me ... I would feel very disconnected.

http://marriedmansexlife.com/2014/10/boo-the-villians-cheer-the-heroes/

Chief_TC said:

It's a good philosophy. I'll also add that I do not let people complain to me either. Figure out a solution or ask me for help, but do not simply open your mouth and babble on about how shitty life is treating you.

SaigoTakamori

Well of course my bride  gets the princess Fiona access to share her day.
Lol

It Is Not About The Nail.

mook_z

@Serenity There's a fine line between venting and whining. I'll let @PhoenixDown vent all she needs to, when it's just venting. Sometimes you gotta blow off steam.  Just bitching about things and being the willing victim will not be entertained.

Also, flip the script. Is the same in reverse? Can he complain to you? Would you have sex with him after?  It's different for guys.  Not complaining, just observing.

Serenity

That's a good question, mook. Just to be clear, my response was to Chief and not to the original thread, but ...

You're right. There is a fine line between giving comfort to your wife when she's having a down day and enabling her to whine endlessly. It really depends on the individual dynamics between each couple.

During the low T years, I was the strong one and my husband was the weak one. I had to be stoic during those years, and just do what needed to get done.

For us, it was a good thing when I was finally able to trust him enough to be weak with him. It flipped our dysfunctional dynamics, and allowed him to be the strong protector.

Funnily enough, me looking to him for comfort almost always aroused him and ended in sex. Made him feel all strong and manly, I suppose.


Can you flip the script, though? Again, it depends on the individual.

My dad was a tough guy in a tough job, extremely stoic. Periodically, one of his co-workers would die on the job, and the only way my mom would know was that they would shut the job down for the day, and he would come home early. He wouldn't mention it, wouldn't talk about it, and she wasn't allowed to ask.

So for my mom, on the rare occasion my dad shared an emotion with her, it was a gift that brought them closer. The one time she saw him cry was when his mother died prematurely from cancer. Seeing his grief made him more human to her.


It's all a balance. Attraction and relationship comfort. You need both.


ETA: So if you're a guy who's giving too much relationship comfort, you'll benefit from backing off.

But the majority of time in coaching, it's both attraction and (the right types of) relationship comfort that are lacking, and you get really good results from focusing on both.

mook_z said:

@Serenity There's a fine line between venting and whining. I'll let @PhoenixDown vent all she needs to, when it's just venting. Sometimes you gotta blow off steam.  Just bitching about things and being the willing victim will not be entertained.

Also, flip the script. Is the same in reverse? Can he complain to you? Would you have sex with him after?  It's different for guys.  Not complaining, just observing.

beribboned

My husband tells me the awful things he sees, smells, and deals with at work, and I am very glad to give him a big hug and kisses to help him feel better. Him feeling and expressing sadness, fear, and anger doesn't quell my desire. We have sex as soon as he feels better. I am strong enough to hear that he is a mortal.