Sexual Aversion/Open Marriage

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  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    Monkeydog, the trust issues may not be important to you.

    That's fine ... we all have different boundaries and there's no reason yours should be the same as Beans'.

    If you read the whole thread, you'll see we had a lot of discussion on whether stbx Beans was out of line or not, if Beans should give her an ultimatum, if she had none anything divorce-worthy. He decided she had done so, and gave her the A/B.

    You might have come to a different conclusion ... fine. You're not Beans. Just don't judge his actions by your standards, judge them by his.

    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
    JellyBean
  • BeansBeans Member Posts: 427
    edited December 7
    Tennee said:
    Remember that she floated 'open marriage' (hence the title) before being busted concealing convos  with OM.  That is not a coincidence.
    In all fairness, I don't believe those two are related. She's mentioned several times in the past that I needed a GF on the side...usually when we were fighting about sex. It was a loyalty test.

    Up until this fall....she wasn't hiding communication, she wasn't changing her passwords (prior to the changes, she had the same ones for years). I can say with about 95% certainty that she wasn't hiding contact with other men before this. Sure, you never really know but if she was having any EAs/PAs, she was a ninja with superior technical skills. 
    AdamBecker
  • BeansBeans Member Posts: 427
    monkeydog said:
    I wouldn't put up with a sexless marriage and I would file immediately if I had proof of a PA or serious EA.
    In that context, communication (eg. open/honest) is just as (if not more) important to me as a healthy sex life. STBX would never believe me when I'd tell her that...but you know what...throughout all the issues we had over sex, I never once thought about leaving her over it. 
    RorschachHildaCornersSignorePillolaRossa
  • monkeydogmonkeydog KansasSilver Member Posts: 415
    Everyone has different expectations.

    I don't know what I would do in your position.

    I have been following your story and felt I would be remiss if I didn't weigh in on the side of maybe, just maybe, trying to salvage this.

    This is about you and what you want from life, but I hope she comes to her senses.

    And I think you do too.
    AdamBecker
  • TenneeTennee Next Stop: AwesomevilleSilver Member Posts: 5,963
    Beans said:
    Tennee said:
    Remember that she floated 'open marriage' (hence the title) before being busted concealing convos  with OM.  That is not a coincidence.
    In all fairness, I don't believe those two are related. She's mentioned several times in the past that I needed a GF on the side...usually when we were fighting about sex. It was a loyalty test.

    Up until this fall....she wasn't hiding communication, she wasn't changing her passwords (prior to the changes, she had the same ones for years). I can say with about 95% certainty that she wasn't hiding contact with other men before this. Sure, you never really know but if she was having any EAs/PAs, she was a ninja with superior technical skills. 
    It would not be the first time this forum has seen the 'open marriage' thing put on the table for the purported 'benefit' of one party, then the offering party blows the doors off of it if one takes the bait.  "YOU took a GF, so there".    Its premeditated, advanced permission for an affair. 

    Absent all the other stuff, I'd be prone to agree - Loyalty Test.   Here....hmmmmmmmm

    We'll never likely know. 
    "Fall down seven times, stand up eight"  Japanese Proverb

    How will you live well today?
    CrashaxeMiddleMan
  • BeansBeans Member Posts: 427
    edited December 8
    Tennee said:
    Beans said:
    Tennee said:
    Remember that she floated 'open marriage' (hence the title) before being busted concealing convos  with OM.  That is not a coincidence.
    In all fairness, I don't believe those two are related. She's mentioned several times in the past that I needed a GF on the side...usually when we were fighting about sex. It was a loyalty test.

    Up until this fall....she wasn't hiding communication, she wasn't changing her passwords (prior to the changes, she had the same ones for years). I can say with about 95% certainty that she wasn't hiding contact with other men before this. Sure, you never really know but if she was having any EAs/PAs, she was a ninja with superior technical skills. 
    It would not be the first time this forum has seen the 'open marriage' thing put on the table for the purported 'benefit' of one party, then the offering party blows the doors off of it if one takes the bait.  "YOU took a GF, so there".    Its premeditated, advanced permission for an affair. 

    Absent all the other stuff, I'd be prone to agree - Loyalty Test.   Here....hmmmmmmmm

    We'll never likely know. 
    Yeah...I get it, given her behavior it's hard to believe she hasn't cheated. But believe me, there's been times I thought she was (including when she made the open marriage comment) and I had to verify...and the conclusion was that there's been zero evidence she's had an affair or even pursued one throughout or marriage. Is it possible? Sure...but based on what I've seen and know, not likely. 

    This recent issue with the male friend was the most evidence I've seen of inappropriate contact...and she didn't cover her tracks very well, which leads me to believe this was a first for her.
    AdamBecker
  • fordsvtfordsvt Canada Eh!Silver Member Posts: 2,300
    @MissD  I'm sorry you disagreed with my post. However there is more moving parts here with this story and thread.  I wasn't attempting to be disrespectful at all to women.  But really for the most part when men and women are friends the inevitable happens much of the time.  
    They end up in bed together.  

    Into Phase 3..

    Those Who Dare......Win.   "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."

    Beans
  • BeansBeans Member Posts: 427
    fordsvt said:
    @MissD  I'm sorry you disagreed with my post. However there is more moving parts here with this story and thread.  I wasn't attempting to be disrespectful at all to women.  But really for the most part when men and women are friends the inevitable happens much of the time.  
    They end up in bed together.  
    I'm going to share an old conversation straight from the horses mouth, this is verbatim from back when STBX and I were just dating and discussing us meeting up with a female friend I had at the time:

    STBX: When's the last time you saw her?
    ME: towards the beginning of last year
    STBX: She's seen you naked?
    ME: lol, no
    STBX: Yeah, she's seen you naked!
    ME: why do you ask that?
    STBX: It's an obvious question.
    ME: it's never been like that
    STBX: My theory is that all guy/girl friendships at one point someone was interested in the other person. But, then one or both realize that it's better to remain friends or the attraction fades.
    ME: does that apply in your friendships?
    STBX: possibly. but I'm talking about you right now.
    IrishGypsyTenneeAngeline
  • dalefdalef Silver Member Posts: 1,963
    I think STBX wants to go back to being a young single, but is still attracted enough to Beans to want him as one of her BFs (I know Beans does not find that acceptable). But if he still sleeps with her, she has that open marriage.


    As for male-female friendships, yes, one or both are sexually interested, but I know from experience even if both are interested, often they never manage to get together, and it remains platonic.
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