Decided to create a new post because I see this discussion come up in various threads and I think we need a home base to discuss these issues (and easily search for it on the forum). It there's already a working mom thread and I just missed it, mods please feel free to merge this into the existing thread.
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I am *cautiously* considering going back to work. I dug up my old resume a few days ago, and I couldn't stop smiling the rest of the night. It made me so happy to find it and read over it. Happy to remember what I had accomplished. I felt empowered just knowing I have a resume (almost) ready to go if an interesting opportunity comes along. It made me think about what it would be like to go back to work, and it gave me butterflies in my stomach.
Of all the dopamine sources I've considered - volunteering, getting certified as a personal trainer, random part-time work - this is the first time I've felt butterflies. Everything else I've considered or talked about with H has been "Yeah, that might be fun. Maybe I'll like that." The idea of going back to work was scary and exciting all at once. I think that may be a pretty clear indication of what I want to do.
So H and I had a serious conversation tonight about it. I laid out all of my fears, my questions, the logistical concerns, the pros & cons. We talked through it all and he was very supportive. He said he knows it's probably what I need, that the SAHM thing just isn't my dream job. And I agree.
So I am thinking through it a bit and would like to get some thoughts from the forum. Here are some of the things I'm grappling with:
I'm scared that I'll fail.
I'm worried about how the 3 year old would handle moving to a full-time childcare situation.
I'm concerned about managing the kids' activities (both have swim once a week, and 6 year old has TKD twice a week plus homework every night).
What will happen with all the upcoming summer travel we have planned?
What if I go back to work and I hate it?
Or I love it but it makes the rest of the family miserable?
Will I still have the energy and time to be a good mom, good wife, have sex, and workout?
How will I fit it all in?
Will the stress make me age faster?
My family (and lots of other people) will not understand this choice. I don't have to work. I don't need to work financially-speaking. It would simply be for me. Are the costs to my family worth it? Am I being selfish?
Will my daughter be okay? What if I have to miss some of her important school stuff?
I would also love to hear from women who (or husbands whose wives) worked full time when the kids were still young.
What is a typical day like for a full-time working mom? (especially getting in kid time/husband time/sex/workouts)
How tired were you? Was it worth it?
Issues to consider? Pros & cons?
My kids are 6 and (almost 3). Should I try to hold on and wait a few more years when they're a little older?
Comments
How will you live well today?
Fitocracy: atxchick
Enneagram 6w5, married to a 5
For all of these, though you can't determine your hours in a day, you can decide not to work certain times. So you could accept contract work during the school year, but not summer.
Also, you can hire in to a permanent position and insist on specific vacation time. "I will accept your job, but you need to know I've already made plans for a family vacation on <date>." Most good employers won't see this as trouble ... in fact, they'll be happy that you let them know well in advance!
MAPping helps with finding a job as well as with marriages ... knowing you are a high value person will help you get a better job, at a higher salary with a more awesome company.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
Another factor to this is how much help your husband gives you on housework. I do most all of the dishes, cleaning up after meals, cooking once or twice a week, etc. If your husband does that or is on board with doing that, I would think that will make a big difference.
Oh, and one more thing, morning routine is another struggle for us. I have to leave for work at 6:45, so she is stuck with the kids getting them to school and daycare after I leave. I get them up and the youngest dressed along with breakfast; but getting three kids out the door on time is still hard.
Other than that, while I would have liked my wife to have been a SAHM (it would have been way too hard financially; and she really isn't cut out for being a full time SAHM); I haven't seen any negatives to our kids being in daycare. It might be hard for your 3 yo to adjust, but otherwise things have been great. A key is finding a great provider. Ours is a great woman who really treats it more like a preschool. So the kids are well socialized, and really didn't even need preschool, though we sent them anyway.
When I was younger I temped, and loved it. I got to go to a lot of different places, met some cool people, and did some interesting things. The agency handles your schedule so you tell them when you're available, and then they send you places.
None of the work was particularly glamorous- I stuffed envelopes, did a lot of data entry/receptionist type things, I supervised an election on the local college campus, but I was genuinely appreciated by the people I worked with. It was pretty low stress, and I picked up a lot of weird little skills. It turns out I can stuff the hell out of envelopes. They were so thrilled they baked us cookies.
The other question is do you have any hobbies, or skills that you could turn into a small business? I'm self-employed, and love it most of the time.
There is definitely a level of difficulty to it, but for me the rewards outweigh all that. It's also given me a bigger circle of friends .....and friends help each other.
Some weeks it's like a giant puzzle that is a challenge to put together but it's oh so satisfying when you do figure it out.
Also I thought it was easier when the kids were younger.....as they get older there are more and more activities.
DH and I have been trying for weeks to pay hookey together but can't seem to get our days to line up
So as in everything, there are downsides and upsides. Since you don't HAVE to work, why not at least try it and see if it's worth it for you? You might love it, or you might hate it, but there is only one way to find out.
Somethings you brought up that need serious consideration:
Travel - you will have less flexibly to travel and less time to plan traveling. Less family time in general.
Kids Activities - As your kids get older this will actually become more difficult as they take on more activities and have more homework that requires parental attention. Dropping off and picking up at daycare will probably be the 'easiest' time to juggle your schedule. Also, you won't have as the flexibility to easily be able to attend class parties or stay home with sick kids.
Workout - You will need to take time away from family and/or work to workout the same amount that you are currently.
Sex - my full time gig didn't hurt us too much as far as quantity, but it was more tired sex than high energy sex.
What about the idea of a full time job makes you feel 'butterflies'? I think you absolutely need something outside of the home. And work seems to have made you feel good about yourself. Since you don't 'have' to work you have some time to figure out the best solution for you. Try thinking outside the box in regards to part-time work. I think part-time would be perfect for your situation.
Get in touch with your past employers and let them know you are looking to re-enter the workforce. If you have a good relationship with them and they know how good you are they may be able to work something out with you. Don't underestimate some good networking. Make some calls and have some lunches. You never know what could come out of it!
I love my current job and there is no way I could have been a SAHM for any longer. I completely understand the need and desire to *do* something else. I really hope you are able to find something.
I don't have time to type any of it because I'm at work and eventually they expect me to do something useful.
Not kidding. Does this tell you anything about what it's like to work full-time? I'll post later; I really have lots to say.
You have the luxury of being picky here - so be picky. Y'all do very well on one income alone, so you have no immediate need to grab the first paying gig to come along. W needed to back to work after almost 10 years as SAHM for her own sanity. In her prior work life, she was an important professional cog in a big machine - and she liked that. People depended on her, she did important work for big bosses, etc. She really missed that aspect of life and gave it up to change diapers for a while. For us, that was a great decision - and it came with a price.
Although I encouraged (and probably pressured a smidge) her going back when Kiddo was in school, I also very strongly and earnestly told her to be picky. Wait until the right thing - PT, uses your skillset, meaningful, flexible, etc. - comes along. Because it will, eventually. And it did.
Take your time in this - because you can. Make it work so that it comports to your life, not necessarily the other way around.
Its out there, you'll find it.
How will you live well today?
The fact is if you start working it will affect a lot of things about your household, some negatively. You will need to be very organized and disciplined to keep things running smoothly. Your husband will need to be on board with helping manage some of the schedule and other issues.
Some questions to consider:
Who currently does most of the cleaning, cooking, laundry? If it is you, are you ok with the house being less clean than it is now? Will your husband and kids pitch in more to keep up with it? Will you hire a house cleaning service with the extra money you bring in?
What will you and your husband do to keep your connection strong?
How will you manage the kids' schedules?
In my case, I am much more organized and productive in life when I am working, probably because the tighter schedule forces me to be more organized.
She has gone through nearly every permutation of ft/pt/contracting/freelancing/etc and arrived at a fairly happy/balanced place. Ok..maybe not this week but in general, pretty good.
Theres nothing wrong with going back FT if that's what you want to do, but you'll sacrifice most of the flexibility and time you have now. For me, I'm not sure full time SAHM is my calling, but I appreciate the happy medium of part time work so I am able to be there for my kids' activities and take care of a lot of the household work while earning some money and getting the satisfaction of working.
My wife has worked full time since I have known her. We are now at the point where she has stepped back to working three days a week. Since there are 2 kids at home and my youngest is 16, they help out with most everything around the house. Going from a SAHM model to both parents working full time is all about scheduling. So many things you do during the day are things that will get shunted aside and you will not realize you did them until they go undone for awhile.
Another thing to consider with both parents working FT is who picks up the kids when one of them is ill or injured? Who stays home when they are sick?
Though these can be challenges, as @JellyBean says about herself, many people are more organized and productive when they have less "free" time. I am that way as well.
How will you live well today?
How will you live well today?
1. PT/Freelance/Contract/Job sharing options (maybe using my skills in a new industry?)
My background is mostly account management, along with some corporate training, project management, and ops. Also very light biz dev, but I don't really want to pursue that. My industry was telecom, but I am not looking to return to that industry.
I would like to be an account manager (or possibly ops position, but my resume is much stronger for acct. mgr.)in a different industry. I have not seen a single part-time Account Management position that is what I would want to do (how companies define the position varies widely) in the 4 months I have been perusing job listings frequently. From my experience, that type of work doesn't really tend to be part-time or freelance in most situations.
Returning to my former company is not an option as the industry underwent a significant change shortly after I left. Due to those changes, the company restructured and closed the local office. I would have to re-locate to work for them again. I do have friends (from my work life) in high positions in several companies out of state. They will be wonderful references, but don't have much to offer for actual employment unless I move. Also, none of them job share. There's only one woman and she's divorced with no kids.
2. Cleaning: We already have housekeepers coming every other week for all the big jobs. I just keep things tidy, handle laundry and dishes (H sometimes helps with dishes). We work together to get the kids to bed and clean up the kitchen in the evenings so it goes quickly. Most of my daily cleaning are toddler messes. If I went back to work FT, the kids wouldn't be home to make the messes that take up most of our cleaning time.
3. Cooking: We eat out a lot because we're not typically home around the time I need to be cooking dinner (I'm usually taking 6 year old to her activities). I cook dinner at home 2-3 times a week, sometimes H will cook once a week. We eat breakfast and lunch at home most days, but dinner out 3-4 times a week (including a date night).
4. Childcare: DS (almost 3) would probably have to go into full-time childcare. Right now, he spends 1.5 hour at the gym childcare 4 days a week and then goes to preschool 2 mornings a week (4 hours each morning). So he is used to spending time in childcare, but obviously it would be a lot more time if I go back to work. I admit this is one of the biggest hurdles for me. Daughter may go into an after school program or may just come home. H works a flexible schedule from home and feels he would be more productive if all of us were out of the house. So he may be able to wrap up his work day early to have both kids come home when DD gets out of school each day. H would also be home to help with sick kids.
We have discussed DD dropping TKD for various reasons, so that may happen sooner if I go back to work. H could take both kids to swim if I was not able. He could also potentially handle school drop-off and pick-up.
Sounds like H would be adding more responsibilities to his day, right? That's been another major barrier for me considering going back to work. But H seems to be very supportive of the idea anyway.
5. Marriage: H said we would continue to have a minimum of 2 date nights a month.
6. Time with kids: The key will be quality time. Dedicating 10 minutes when I walk through the door to just be with them, setting up family fun or kid dates on the weekends. Not sure what else I can do to cushion the change in quantity of time, but I'm definitely open to suggestions.
I know it would be harder than what I'm doing now, but I also think I am similar to @JellyBean here and that will help me some in managing my family, work, and personal schedule.
Fitocracy: atxchick
Enneagram 6w5, married to a 5