Is this marriage toast?

Stuckinlimbo

In May of 2014 I started to get a feeling that something was wrong with my marriage. For whatever reason (still not sure what possessed me to do this) I went over our cell phone records. I found out that there were 150 texts between my wife and the father of my daughters friend. I completely lost it. I didn't get any guidance from sites like this. I confronted immediately. While going through her phone I accidentally but dialed the POSOM. He texted right back and asked if she but dialed. I texted back " ya sorry". He replied "darn". Nothing she could tell me explained that. As far as I was concerned that was the smoking gun. Case closed. She denied any wrong doing. While getting ready for work I decided to comb over the records again. I noticed 2 picture messages that were sent to me and one minute later to him. I know what pics she sent me. They were or her exposing herself in her underwear. Showing her breasts and her vagina. I woke her up and asked her what pics she sent him. Of course she denied everything but admitted to having a crush on him. Ya right. I told her I was divorcing her and was going ruin everything of hers. II then went to work. I came home early and found out she had moved out with the kids, took all the money out of our bank account, and wouldn't answer my phonecalls. She came home later that evening to talk. She said I scared her and that is why she left. She still denied everything. I installed Spyware on her phone and keyloggers on the 2 computers. We got along OK for the rest of the week. That weekend I told her that I did not believe her and to tell me the truth. She confessed to sleeping with him. I took about a month to get all of the details. I exposed this to my family. Made her expose herself to her family. I told the OM wife. I started a text app and acted like I was my wife to the OM. I was able to recover some emails through him. Her story seemed to be backed up by his wife and the emails. I think she has been remorseful from DDAY but who knows. I was distraught and threatened suicide. She called the police and I was put on suicide watch for 2 days. Could not work for over a week. Typical things that everyone seems to go through when your life falls apart like weight loss, nightmares, ect. The cops that arrested me and the nurses at the facility that I was stuck in all told me to ditch her. She was crying day in and day out for what seems like forever. Wrote the no contact letter. Changed her phone number. Cancelled her email addresses. Begged for forgiveness. I told her that if she wanted me that bad she was going to have to watch me have sex with another woman. I hired an escort and did the deed in front of her. She said she felt like we could put this behind us finally. This was about 2 months after discovery. We where in marriage counseling from that point on. I started going to the gym regularly. I got in really decent shape and was listening to motivational speakers. We started going to church. But I was still depressed. I put up a profile on a dating site and proceeded to talk to countless people. 2 of these turned into EAs. At one point I almost left my wife for one of these girls. My wife was extremely upset and told my daughter. I stayed. She has been in contact with the other woman. This woman claims to be pregnant with my child. I never slept with her but my wife believes her. Not sure why she says she is pregnant but I think she is trying to break up my marriage. My wife says she will help raise the kid. Haven't heard from this woman in a couple of weeks. Since then things have calmed down. Not sure what is going to be the result of all this but this is where I am at. I know my wife has had a hard time dealing with everything. I still have not committed to staying with her

Stuckinlimbo

I already know that a lot of what I did was extremely destructive and have since stopped that behavior. But what is done is done at this point. Also I posted this story in Tam and was looking for a different perspective. 

Blackwulf

If the baby isn't yours get a DNA test, case closed. 

It's a mess but if you want to save your marriage it will require a ton of work.  Your wife seems committed in the description now  but can you?

The only way to know is face why you don't trust your wife and why you don't trust yourself. 

Stuckinlimbo

Ya I haven't heard from the OW in months so that is already case closed there. Unless she tries to stir up my marriage again. I tried to close the email address that we used to communicate but my wife has kept it open so she can watch it. 

Tennee

@Jen_Kay @Athol_Kay  probably a 911 candidate.

Howdy.  What do YOU want?  Do you want to salvage it?  

There's a Triage post with 10 questions - @angeline has it in her signature  line.  Find it and answer those here.  You'll get help. 

What other reading / research have you done?  

Athol_Kay

Do the triage questions please...

http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/

Stuckinlimbo

OK,  here's my triage. 
  1)  We have been married for 11 years. Been together for 13 I am 38 and she is 33. We have 2 kids. One is 3 and has special needs. The other is 9. I am 5'11" and 200 lbs. She is 5'4" and 120 lbs. We are pretty fairly matched in hotness. I am decently muscular and she in decent shape. 
 2) No medical conditions for me. I work out regularly. She has Abad back and is on pain medication plus birth control. 
 3) I'm in good shape here too. Girls find me attractive. I have a good job. Never been fired or unemployed. She is a SAHM. She has a botched boob job that some might find objectionable. All cars are in good shape and paid for. Not much debt and live in a great neighborhood. 
 4) My biggest moment of neglect was when our son was born with special needs. I wasn't there emotionally for her. I didn't want another kid but she did. She said she would divorce if I didn't so I was bitter. I completely failed after the kid was born. She began an EA/PA 1 year later. I  have cheated numerous times after,  mostly  EA's.
 5) As of right now there is no outside serial sources that I know of. We have both been transparent. We both have GPS locators on us. 
 6) Sex went bad 1year ago. I have been the problem. I just don't want to with her. I kinda feel like I messed up my desire for her by seeing what else was out there. Girls have been very responsive to me even when my wife is present. We have not had Sex in months. 
 7) In the beginning of our relationship Sex was very passionate and frequent. Actually has been our whole marriage. Wife would mostly initiate. I know that is not good. That did change after our mess. I was taking control. Until I stopped having Sex With her all together. 
 8) No elephants except all of the cheating. 
 9) We both struggle to have control of the relationship. This usually ends up in fighting. 
 10) We had a really good relationship at first. We were spontaneous and would go on trips. She was my best friend. Now that we have kids we don't do much at all. I  am  completely bored. She likes to stay home. She doesn't want to go anywhere because her back hurts. She insists that I stay home due to lack of trust. 

Stuckinlimbo

I  forgot to mention that she was sexually abused when she was 12 or so. I just found out about that last year. 

Stuckinlimbo

The other thing that I forgot to mention was that I haven't been very remorseful. I have apologized but I just have not felt very sorry. Not sure if I am that sorry. I never wanted to hurt her but I felt justified after her affair. 

Stuckinlimbo

Also forgot to mention that she has been physically abusive. I have slapped her back before. I  know that is unacceptable on my part and have not done that in a long time. She is still doing that to me. 

Tennee

@Stuckinlimbo said:

Also forgot to mention that she has been physically abusive. I have slapped her back before. I  know that is unacceptable on my part and have not done that in a long time. She is still doing that to me. 

Any violence is completely unacceptable.  She strikes/slaps you?  On a recurring basis?  Why do you allow this?  Inform her that next time, you're calling the police.  And do it. 

What triggers this?  Argument heats up, she lashes out physically?  That has to stop - today, NOW. 

I asked you before, what do you want? 

Y'all have Critical Moments of Neglect (CMNs) galore here - you are going to have to do some mega-heavy lifting, as Blackwulf mentioned earlier. 

Crashaxe

Affairs plus physical violence from her. 

I'm all for saving relationships worth salvaging, but I don't think this one is. I rarely post this picture. I save it for really bad situations.

I would get out, and start working on you. Run a MAP, and improve your boundaries. You need to learn why you are willing to accept the treatment that you have been receiving.

You went a little over the top, but extreme stress can do that. Unfortunately, your reactionary moves did far more to destabilize the marriage and harm it.

JellyBean

I don't think any reasonable person would encourage someone to try to work it out with a spouse who is actively physically abusive. 

Please consider calling the domestic abuse hotline. 

http://www.thehotline.org

Stuckinlimbo

I agree that it is completely unacceptable. I have been video  recording it with my phone. One of the last times she did this was at my parents house in front of my mom. I threatened to call the police but didn't. Didn't want the kids to see their mom get arrested. 

Crashaxe

Stuckinlimbo said:

I agree that it is completely unacceptable. I have been video  recording it with my phone. One of the last times she did this was at my parents house in front of my mom. I threatened to call the police but didn't. Didn't want the kids to see their mom get arrested. 

Better that they see their mom get arrested than grow up believing that violent behavior towards loved ones is acceptable, which is what they are learning now.

http://marriedmansexlife.com/2014/03/violence-deep-emotion-and-rational-talk/

Stuckinlimbo

Tennee said:

@Stuckinlimbo said:

Also forgot to mention that she has been physically abusive. I have slapped her back before. I  know that is unacceptable on my part and have not done that in a long time. She is still doing that to me. 

Any violence is completely unacceptable.  She strikes/slaps you?  On a recurring basis?  Why do you allow this?  Inform her that next time, you're calling the police.  And do it. 

What triggers this?  Argument heats up, she lashes out physically?  That has to stop - today, NOW. 

I asked you before, what do you want? 

Y'all have Critical Moments of Neglect (CMNs) galore here - you are going to have to do some mega-heavy lifting, as Blackwulf mentioned earlier. 

 Basically yes. Fights become heated and she will lash out. She is a small girl so I never really worried about it. Now I know I really messed up putting up with this. Not sure what I want. If we split up she says she is going to move my kids to another state. I  have always loved her but at this point I find myself daydreaming about being free of this. 

frillyfun

Wow.  I think you need to talk to a lawyer ASAP to find out what would happen in the event of a divorce.  Get their advice on how to protect yourself because she has shown that she is capable of acting very quickly when she's threatened with divorce.

Taking the kids to another state isn't a foregone conclusion.  Get the legal advice and go from there.

Crashaxe

Stuckinlimbo said:

If we split up she says she is going to move my kids to another state. 

And with that threat being made, which is like a country threatening to use the nuclear option to another country, you need to talk to an attorney ASAP.

Just because someone threatens something like that, doesn't mean it can actually happen. She sounds unhinged, frankly. Threats like that are emotional abuse meant to control your behavior.

An attorney can guide you in dealing with her physical abuse in the way that will best benefit you in regards to your rights and property as well as your custody of the children should divorce occur, and can explain how things really work in the local court system.

I suspect that after meeting with an attorney, you will leave with a sense of relief.

My wife tried to use the "I'll pack up the kids and move across country." to me years ago. Whether she really meant it or not didn't matter. I take any threat seriously, because the person who is making the threats actually thought of doing what they said before they said it.
 
It scared the shit out of me until I talked to an attorney, who laughed and told me that if my wife actually tried to do that, she would end up in jail and I would end up with full custody of my children so fast it would make both of our heads spin. 

Threats like she is making have power and can sway your decision-making, because you think of the worst case scenarios. When you talk to an attorney and find out what the facts actually are, you take away the power of the other person to terrorize you.

Stuckinlimbo

Already did. Basically she might be able to. Either way it would cost me a fortune to fight it. Since she doesn't work, I would pay for her lawyers and mine. Not sure if it's better to put up with it so I see my kids, let her go with out a fight, or follow her to the other state to stay close to my kids. She talked we her counselor and was basically told it's all my fault because I haven't re committed to the marriage. Even though she has been abusive from the beginning with our relationship. 

Tennee

"Basically yes. Fights become heated and she will lash out. "

OK, so, Step 1 for you.  When both of you are in a calm, peaceful state, call a meeting.  And it goes like this:  "OK, henceforth and forever more, there is no Yelling.  No Slapping.  No screaming, cursing, ranting and raving.  That.is.finished.  I have done it, you have done it, so I'm not throwing blame.  I am, however, saying that it is no more.  We will hash out disagreements in a civil tone. "  And get her to agree to this - literally I would say "Do you agree?" and she will.  If she doesn't, see Crashaxe's pic above. 

If you want to make this work, you're gonna have to Captain the hell out of this.  If you wanna bail, then bail.  This place will help you do the hard work if you want to - and there is a LOT of hard work in front of you, either with Stay or Go frankly. 

Welcome aboard man. 

Stuckinlimbo

I have done that. The last time very forcefully told her she needs counseling. She always agrees. She still hasn't done the counseling except to talk to our MC who told her that her physical abuse is reasonable considering that I haven't recommited to the marriage.