Parenting teens.

thisisjen

@fredless   how doesthat not cause you anxiety?  I have a similar situation and the thought of just letting my daughter fail keeps me up at night 

Geekengineer

Angeline said:

generalzod said:

I think it's interesting that he performs better academically in season.  I woukd explore that link a bit.  Could be more discipline, more motivation, more structure, or a combination of it all.

This is actually a well documented occurrence. It provides both incentive because of grade requirements to participate and the human tendency to let laziness fill up all available time.

I haven't read every single post on this thread, but it hit me (and it may have already been said) that he needs to have some sort of activity he loves occupy the time normally taken up by sports.

Meaning, in his free time he should always be involved in something besides schoolwork.

I would recommend it be something he enjoys - something he looks forward to, but won't be able to attend/participate/whatever if his schoolwork falls by the wayside.

When I was in high school, I pretty much phoned it all in.  Now that I think of it, I put forth my least amount of effort during winter, between cross-country and track.  My senior year during the winter I was on the mock trial team, and during the spring I was in the Model U.N.  I actually think I did my best academically during my senior year.

College is a different story - I earned my degree, but got sh!tty grades getting it.  I do NOT do well in a typical classroom setting.  I need to really see what the subject matter means in Real World Terms to fully grok it.  Engineering Statistics?  Fuuuuuck, that class made zero sense.

Me:  "What's a chi-squared distribution actually actually actually mean, prof?"

Prof:  "It's... it's... just what it says.  A chi-squared distribution."

Me.  "¡*&^%&^()(y^%^%$^%#!"

I was also working (not fun), and filling my time trying to understand the material.  If I wasn't so focused on my financial security, I would have found more time to do stuff I enjoy, and probably would have focused more on my studies.

Or I would have had more money and time for beer.

Hmmm...

Anyone got a time machine?

Katt

I was a straight A student in high school, in AP classes, valedictorian of my class, who's who of American high school students, blah blah blah.    None of that has really impacted my adult life.   No one has cared about my high school accomplishments since I was maybe 20.   Seriously.  

Unless a kid has a really specific field of career interest that will make going to a particular university a really important thing, they'll probably be ok with ok grades at an ok high school.   I know plenty of people with average high school grades that did 2 years at a CC and transferred to good state universities and are successful bankers, accountants, computer engineers, etc.     

I know your son likes his school.  However, if he doesn't like it well enough to put in the necessary effort to stay there, knowing the risks, it must not really be that important to him.   While being "demoted" to the regular high school would be a bummer, in the grand scheme of life, it isn't likely to be that consequential.   It could also be a valuable life lesson for him that if we want certain things, we have to put in the hard work they require or we can't have or keep them.   That lesson holds true for school, work, relationships...  It's better for him to learn that lesson now rather than later in life when the stakes could be much much higher.  

Winter

@Katt I totally agree. We don't have any crazy college plans for him other than to just go or choose some other option  towards getting a career. I'd be happy with the military to be honest.  I think the current plan is actually to stay home for the first couple of years and attend the local university for prerequisite classes before possibly moving on. 

Anyway, I'm feeling much more relaxed about things now that we've talked to the school. They said high level classes (not sure if she means AP or what) count  a full grade higher for your GPA - even though that isn't reflected on your report card. So she looked at my sons grades and they are not as bad as they 'look' and getting kicked out isn't as much of as concern as I thought.  We won't be telling him that. But good to know.  

Getting kicked out was my main concern, and if that's not such an issue than I'm ok with letting him learn on his own. 

fredless

@thisisjen said:

fredless  
how doesthat not cause you anxiety?  I have a similar situation and the thought of just letting my daughter fail keeps me up at night 

I have really put a lot of effort into fostering academic prowess in my sons.  A lot.  It was a primary focus.  They both have seen what happens to those who piss away opportunities.  I've always believed in personal responsibility--but more so since I've been Mapping.

The strange thing is, my anxiety has decreased since I've taken this responsibility off of my plate.

fredless

And let me clear, I haven't given up on them by any stretch.  I ask about school on a regular basis and I help them when they ask.  I just don't provide rewards (aside from verbal praise) or consequences any longer for their grades.

Winter

Let me tell you what I love about my teens. 

- Oldest son will randomly decide he wants to learn a song on the piano, find it online and just sit and plunk at the keys. He hasn't played in years (and was never that good) yet still enjoys the process and music in general. (My littlest will do the same thing and she only took 6 lessons lol!)

- My oldest daughter is an avid book lover and only ever asks for books as gifts. She currently loves Stephen King and Michael Crichton. 

- I took the older kids (teens and tween) to breakfast this weekend.  We had the best conversation. Everything from debating the current political candidates and their stand on all the issues to an in-depth discussion about the alternate DC comic world in the Flashpoint comic book. 

They are just so amazing (despite how crazy they make me). 

Tell me what you love about your teens! 

Louise

Winter said:

I'm really struggling with parenting my oldest son. He's s great kid. Funny and engaging.  Great with his siblings.  Helpful when asked. Nice group of friends. 

But he is really having a hard time at school. He's smart but just doesn't apply himself. Doesn't take his studying seriously. Procrastinates and doesn't address problems.  He's on the verge of getting kicked out of school. 

We've taken away all his stuff. We've tried helping him set up a study schedule. We've put him on our study schedule.  We've given him space. We've watched him like a hawk. Nothing seems to work consistently. 

I don't want every interaction with him to be us telling him were disappointed or reminding him to study. I love him and want him to always know that. 

Like I said he's a good kid I just don't know how to handle this. I'm so afraid he'll get kicked out and the other school option is just not that good. I'm afraid of what would happen to him there. Once he's out of this school there is no going back. No second chances. 

what is he interested in doing when he leaves school?  perhaps he isn't interested in going down a conventional academic route?  My oldest son was never brilliant academically, but he never aspired to the kind of job where you need a lot of qualifications.  He now runs his own small business and does quite well.  My second son was brilliant at maths and science, always got top marks, but they bored him.  He has now decided he wants to be a blacksmith, and is doing very well learning blacksmithing, welding, and sheet metal work.  Perhaps your son is thinking of something non academic as a career?  i'm thinking of all those contestants they have on Masterchef who are doctors or lawyers or something and just yaerning to be chefs.

Winter

A local girl in oldest son's grade  (different school) - a cheerleader, track star, National honors society, church youth leader - committed suicide yesterday.  I just want to take my teens and never stop holding them. How do let them know that, no matter what, we are here for them?  

This is my biggest fear. 

Maria

You tell them. Over and over again.
And you show them. By being there for them whenever they fuck up. By not bringing them down emotionally, by believing in them, by trusting them to do the right thing (with your support if necessary).
And you hope. Because the truth is, that you can't really prevent a suicide.

This fear will stay with me for the rest of my life.

Ivy

My oldest daughter, who is 15, was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about a year ago. We first really noticed the changes in her probably about 2 years ago. In her case, we caught the problems she was having because I wouldn't accept her answers that nothing was wrong and she just wanted to be alone. I think a lot of kids that are distressed withdraw and it can get blamed on "being a teenager " or hormonal changes. The important thing is to consistently show them through your actions that you have their welfare in mind and have their back even and especially if it's uncomfortable. Also, verbalizing it also helps, I think.

Jek

  Here is a fun way that I have found, of parenting.

I come home from a strenuous day at work, physically and mentally.  I am burnt, and sometimes I may put more importance on things than I would, let's say on a carefree Saturday.  So I have come up with a teen/parent friendly way to "yell at my daughter over and over again for the same damn shit".

I take pictures of the thing that needs attention, then I text it to her.  Kitty litter box, pic.  Empty toilet paper roll on the floor, pic.  Tweezers and makeup on the counter, pic. A single sock on the couch, pic.  I send no words, and there is no condescending remarks, no frustration, no offense or defense, just a pic.
   This gives her an exact image, a time that is recorded, and a simple flip back and she has a record of what needs to be done.  It really works well.  She actually texts back,"thanks" or "ok".

I will also text her a picture of a clean kitchen and the words,"thank you", "looks great!"  or things like that.  
It has really made life easier for both of us.  Once I take the pic and send it, I remain calm and keep doing what I was doing.

Maybe some of you could benefit from this idea.

Winter

Love that idea. But my kids don't have a phone

Jek

hmmm...
colored pencils?  crayons?  You may have to put in a bit more work, but the finding and fixing might turn out to be fun?

Winter

I'm thinking an abstract painting might work. 

But seriously I love your text idea. It gets the point across without all the back and forth. Do you do this while you are both in the house together or just when she's out? 

42andatowel

So I'm a little late to this thread, but I highly recommend watching this short TED Talk on procrastination:

https://www.ted.com/talks/tim_urban_inside_the_mind_of_a_master_procrastinator?language=en

Jek

Winter said:

I'm thinking an abstract painting might work. 

But seriously I love your text idea. It gets the point across without all the back and forth. Do you do this while you are both in the house together or just when she's out? 

l texted those pics to her last night, while she was doibg the dishes.  I drove to the store to get some things and she ended up cleaning off the bathroom counters and sweeping the floor of the entire apt.  

dalef

@Winter Does your son do poorly on tests, or is it just homework he loses points on?

I graduated in the middle third of my HS class, got into Michigan State on my test scores (before any of the other 50+ universities sent me info). In college I could concentrate of classes I found easy (B.S., M.S. Physics) and wound up working for the government (the market for physics professors collapsed before I got my PhD). The IEEE considers my pay grade equivalent to full professor of electronic engineering.

@fredless I would not have a high opinion of colleges that place much emphasis on HS grades, even in the 70s they were known to only predict grades a few years in advance.

Roses

I am going to try the picture thing. Can't hurt!

fredless

fredless said:

@thisisjen said:

fredless  
how doesthat not cause you anxiety?  I have a similar situation and the thought of just letting my daughter fail keeps me up at night 

I have really put a lot of effort into fostering academic prowess in my sons.  A lot.  It was a primary focus.  They both have seen what happens to those who piss away opportunities.  I've always believed in personal responsibility--but more so since I've been Mapping.

The strange thing is, my anxiety has decreased since I've taken this responsibility off of my plate.

By way of follow up--Interestingly, my older son who is graduating high school next week, for the first time in his life, earned straight As for the semester.

However, please don't ask about my younger son's grades.