As my discussion title says. I had an affair, which led to a pregnancy that miscarried on its on. I ended the affair, though it was very very hard. My husband knows about the affair but not the pregnancy. He thinks the affair was only 4 months long, not the full year it lasted. My husband has become skin and bones from the stress of this. He doesn't eat really.
I instigated the affair(yes-I know....)because of lack of sex, attention and affection. We are living in Tokyo, due to his job and I have no support system. My father knows everything and calls 4 times a week to check on me. My marriage was sexless(zero sex) for 4 years from the time of our second pregnancy confirmation till our daughter was 3 years old. My husband would not touch me. He did not want a second child. My husband told me he wanted to focus on his career. I found this out AFTER I had her. Yes the pregnancy was planned, so I was shocked when he told me the truth. I did not coerce him into having a second child.
My husband finds pregnancy repulsive and we did not have sex during my first pregnancy either. We resolved the problem within a year of our first daughters birth(it took a full year after birth).
I naively did not expect it to happen again because I thought we both had grown and matured. The second pregnancy with our second daughter was far worse! He would barely look at me. He was very mean to me after her birth. He would help with the baby but offer me no support or sympathy. I was in Tokyo alone with a new baby, a 7 year old and completely isolated. He worked from 8:30am and came home around midnight, 5 days a week. I was on antidepressants, which I got for myself. I found a doctor who spoke English, packed up my 6 week old and went to the doctors office to beg for help. I was put on Zoloft for 6 months. I felt better emotionally and could handle the baby, but was very concerned with my husbands behavior. He started traveling all the time and was gone every other weekend. He was tired constantly and would not look me in the eye. He traveled for almost two years like this and I survived. I don't know how... During this time there was no sex, no hugs and no affection. He was great with the kids. When the littlest daughter was almost three, he got a big promotion and the traveling stopped. He was sent to the main office. I was proud for him but very unhappy. He was now home on weekends but completely distant from me. He stayed up all hours in his office(yes porn and maybe chat rooms). I decided to take action because I could not go on. I have a very high sex drive and was taking care of myself-a lot. I wanted compliments, hugs and everything else. I went on a diet, exercised and lost the 18lbs of baby weight I still carried. I got back to a size 6! I bought new underwear(thongs) and new perfume. I started flirting much more. I've always been flirty with him. He just didn't care. He noticed the underwear but just said "aren't thongs uncomfortable?" He started looking at me suspiciously, but made no move towards me and acted even more mean. He put me down, snide remarks and ignored questions. We went to the U.S. for a vacation and he was wonderful in front of my family. I thought he had a turn around and had realized how he was acting towards me, but no. Same behavior back in Tokyo.
When the youngest daughter was a little over three years old, I had had enough!! I had not had sex in 4 years, nor hugging or kissing. I told my father everything. He cried(literally), but said try to save this for the children, write your husband a letter because he will not talk to you. I'm now thinking this was DLV but I'm cerebral and sentimental like my dad. I wrote ten pages talking about our marriage and all the good memories. It was a love letter with no accusations just memories. The last page I asked what could WE do to get it back. He read it and told me to get away from him because his temper was getting the better of him. I cried myself to sleep. He stayed up all night in his office. Two days later, he initiated sex. I accepted out of desperation. It was ok, but he would not kiss me. No sex for three more weeks. I initiated the next time. Very bad sex, but I was desperate for any physical touch. I was grateful-yuk. This went on for a year. My husband became friendlier to me and more affectionate. Sex was every other week. It was ok sex but still no kissing. He started to hold my hand sometimes. I was-grateful. Pathetic... I told him I wanted sex around 3-4 times a week and more passionate. He pulled away and said under his breath one day ( all you want from me is sex). I felt terrible! All along he was giving me duty sex that made him feel used. And here I thought we were making our way to better times.
This comment from my husband broke me. I pulled away, shut down and went BSC. I went out with friends every Saturday night. Left him with the children. I did not go to bars but movies, dinner ect.. I needed support and to stop thinking about HIM all the time. I wanted a break and almost had a nervous breakdown. I found a psychologist who told me after two sessions that my husbands lack of attraction to me was normal and men can't be attracted to the same woman for years! I quit him, but went even deeper into a downward spiral. I didn't sleep. Lost 10 more pounds from not eating. During this time I met the OM.
He was at TGIF(yes they have these in Tokyo) he was with a large group of men and women. I was at a booth with two other friends. His group invited us over. Foreigners in Tokyo love to meet each other. He sat next to me and we talked for three straight hours. Not sex talk just work, family and how we ended up in Japan. We exchanged email addresses. He just got a divorce from his Japanese wife that cheated on him and got pregnant by another man. We emailed for 5 weeks until..... You can fill in the rest. My husband saw us out one day( it's a small world after all). He was so sad, even though we had not had sex with each other in 6 months(if I don't initiate/nothing).
I agreed to stop seeing the OM. The affair went underground with my husband acting like nothing happened. Still no sex in the marriage but he seemed fine with that. The children flourished and were happy. I stole away moments with the OM when I could and we emailed every night. The OM asked me to marry him and told me that our relationship started off shady but could be legitimate with time. I got pregnant from a broken condom, miscarried and WOKE up. This is not a real life!! This is not how things should be. I've let myself move so far away from EVERYTHING I've ever stood for. I found another psychologist and am working on me. Ive asked for a divorce. He does not want it.
I've been lurking here for two years and read The Mindful Attraction book. I've read so many stories here that turned around. Maybe I'm not ready to give up.
7
Comments
What a heart-breaking story
As a long time lurker you'll probably anticipate our next request: Please, fill out the triage questions. Your intro gave us lots of detail, but there's still some information that we need to know in order to give you productive advice.
And then something I'd like to know in addition to these questions: Why do you want to stay married to your husband? Merely for the sake of your children or because you still love him? What is there to salvage?
You wrote you asked for a divorce, but your husband doesn't want one. Understandably, he gets everything: the benefits of having a wife, mother for his children, home-maker, care-taker... without having to give anything, not even affection, as you are satisfied with crumbs he throws you.
It's a good thing to not want to give up - but the fight should be worth it. What are you fighting for? What do you want out of your life?
If you want us to be unapologetically feminine, be unapologetically masculine.
Him not wanting a divorce and him wanting you, are two different things.
It's not clear to me what your husband is into sexually. Four years of sexlessness there. What was he doing sexually during that time?
The triage questions are here... http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/
Moving to 911 category.
One Hour Call 12-Week Guided MAP
"The turnaround is tremendous. And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects. I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force. He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well." - Scarlet
Basic questions
I'm 40, 5' 5" and weigh 125lbs. I walk 45 minutes a day as well as core exercises 3 times a week. I'm very fit with a baby face and long blonde hair. I get told I look like Jenny Garth but I look younger(I've got great genes). I wear makeup and wear leggings with a nice top almost everyday. I guess I'm a 8 when I get fixed up.
I'm an English teacher for preschool children in Tokyo. I'm from the states but living here for my husbands job.
I have an open and engaging disposition. I make friends easily.
My husband is is 42 and 5'6" and weighs 130lbs right now(he is losing weight due to stress). He is a 6, considering his height. He has a 145 iq and this compensates a lot. I've seen 6'2" men lower themselves when talking with him. One friend of mine said "that is the most delightful man I've ever met" and blushed. He is friendly and very engaging when you meet him. Everyone loves him because he is humble yet intelligent.
We we have two daughters 5 and 12. We have been married for 17 years.
Medical
There are no medical problems now. He is Usually fit and takes no medication. I've had postpartem depression after both births. I took Zoloft for 6 months both times. I weened myself off both times.
We are healthy mainly because we both eat very healthy and don't keep junk food in the house(I do indulge in icecream when out-it's my favorite
Structural attraction issues
He makes excellent money. His sellers is above 100k and he gets bonuses. He is in management and great at what he does. I have a teaching degree in the states, but teach English here in Tokyo. My salary is ok. The cost of living is ridiculous in Tokyo and I feel our net income should go farther. It is what is. We live in a two story 1200 square foot house, which is considered a luxury here. We are healthy, fit and financially stable.
Critical moments of neglect
Where to begin....as evident(I think) in my first post, my husband probably suffers from "Madonna whore complex". He physically and emotionally abandoned me during my first pregnancy and after the birth. He would not touch me after the first positive test! Our daughter was 1 when I threw a fit. I felt ugly and my self esteem plummeted. We did not have a computer or smart phones then. He had a collection of girly magazines though. We worked through it and our sex life resumed. He kept insisting it was not the pregnancy but stress from work and life. This cost me much more emotionally than he realized. After this we had a decent sex life(I was slightly higher drive) and got pregnant on purpose. I miscarried at 18 weeks. He was working constantly and left me to heal myself. We got pregnant again with our second daughter 9 months later after the miscarriage. I had my second daughter in Tokyo and he abandoned me again. This time, we have computers and smart phones, so porn is accessible. He also started traveling a lot and I have no idea what he was up to. All I know is that as soon as I get a positive test result-no sex.
He says I neglected him when his mother died. She was diagnosed with cancer when our first daughter was a newborn. His mother died 15 months later. I did my best and went to the hospital as much as I could. I was a new mother and also struggling with what was happening(or not happening) in our bedroom.
outside sexual sources
Him-porn, maybe chat room and I don't know what else. After reading here, I'm wondering if its more. Me-a year long affair that I ended. Before that, nothing for me.
When did the sex go bad?
After I got my first positive pregnancy test! He would not look at me the same way. He did not touch me sexually after the birth of our first daughter until I threw a fit. We worked through it. The same thing happened during the miscarried pregnancy and my pregnancy with our second daughter. This time the abandonment was uglier and darker. He finally admitted six months ago, he does not find mothers attractive. Lets call him Elvis.
Sex at the beginning
We met as teenagers and started sleeping together in collage. He was my first. We went to different schools and would drive all night to screw for two hours and make it back in time for classes. We saw each other every weekend and spent it in bed. We were poor, what else was there to do
When we got married, the sex became more " vanilla" and less " chunky monkey". I was a little worried but the sex never stopped. Every few months, we had "wild days" and I was satisfied. We still were good friends. Talked all the time. Then we had a planned pregnancy...
Good times
There was a time when I thought he hung the moon and could not live without him. His brain fascinated me. He won math competitions and was a complete nerd. He did not dress well, but I never cared. He was funny, humble and always kind. We could talk and screw for hours. We traveled a lot before the children and had fun family trips after. As long as I play along and pretend we have a "normal" marriage, he is warm and friendly. He loves the "family unit". Before these past few years, he was my favorite person. He has devastated me though, so I disengaged emotionally, to save myself.
Why haven't you left? What keeps you tied to him?
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
To answer your question about what's in it for me-I'm not sure. He is getting all his needs met and I'm not. Yes, I still care about him a lot. I miss him sometimes. Even though we are in the same house, there is a great divide. I'm no longer pretending everything is ok. He is not eating and cries occasionally when he goes to his office. He has told me he will change and apologizes repeatedly. Two weekends ago, after the kids were asleep, he told me I was his soulmate. I just answered back that was rubbish because you do not treat your "soulmate" the way you treated me. He just hung his head and couldn't talk. I think the weight of what has happened is hitting him.
I guess I'm staying for the children. He is an excellent father and natural caretaker. They adore him and we have fun as a family. I feel I owe it to them to try if he is willing. He wants to go to counceling together. I know the councelor will want us to work on our intimacy. The idea of having sex with him repulses me though, now that he has finally admitted he did not find me attractive after having his babies.
If we do try, there is a lot of work on both our sides.
Why havent i left? The kids, and for some strange reason, I feel sorry for him. I'm trying to change this way of thinking!
Would you onsider bringing him here, or having a joint call with Athol? It sounds like your husband is shaken and doesn't want to lose you. This gives you a bit of leverage; if he will agree to counseling, he may agree to speak with Athol.
Does he have a hard stressing job?
Any alcohol or drugs involved?
Athol can help you for sure. Welcome to the forum BTW.
Lots of great people here.
Into Phase 3..
Those Who Dare......Win. "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."Thank you to those who took the time to comment and to those who read my story. As I said before I've been a lurker on this forum for a while. I absolutely love the message that mmsl sends out. Marriages should be about love, respect and passion.
My husband is very very ill and this has taken a LOT of my time. He has lost 40 pounds and broken out into rashes, stomach aches ect... We have been to many doctor appointments and have more tests to run. We started counseling and the psychologist thinks he is just very very stressed. My husband has deep psychological problems and has been cheating with massage parlors.(maybe more, the truth has been trickling the past two months). I have decided to leave him. He knows and is not doing well at all but I have to help myself heal and cannot help him. He is now having a breakdown and threatening suicide, but I'm sticking to my decision. I am working with a counselor for myself to overcome my guilt of walking away. I care for him, but it is not enough. I cannot support him emotionally during his healing and take care of myself and the kids. I don't have the strength and I want my self respect back.
I wish each of you to have happy HOT marriages! I've seen the advice given here from members and, especially Athol_kay, work miracles. God bless you all.
Saying that, you shouldn't be cruel. Be firm in your decision to leave, but help his with his health as you would for a friend. Is there a place he could go for a couple weeks to rest and heal under psych care? If so, you might want to see if his doctors would authorize time there.
Get on with your life, take care of yourself (and any kids) first, help him if you have any spare energy. Only if you have spare energy.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
You, and your kids deserve better. I hope you find it.