IrishGypsy's MAP - "Ah Go On!"

Adam_S

A couple of random thoughts.

You say you don't know if you want to be around somebody who is primarily attracted to money and status. Do you think it might be possible that as you become more comfortable with your own status and success that those feelings might change?

With your daughter, I'm a bit like you in that I have far more boundaries with my daughters than my wife does, who basically just buys them whatever they want. They also love spending time with me because I'm an awesome Dad. I'm also pretty modest too

With my two it's quite easy to do some daddy things with them because they're quite high energy kids that love doing rough and tumble things. I'm not saying that the solution with your daughter is to spend an afternoon throwing her into the swimming pool but it would be good to find something daddy daughter specific that you can do that's different to what she does with her mum. It sounds a bit daft but my eldest loves going to the hardware store with me. We go and get some ice cream from the café and usually there is some kind of kids arts and craft stuff to do but mostly she just likes a bit of one on one daddy daughter time.

IrishGypsy

@Adam_S In all honesty, whilst I fully appreciate status and power's place as a brand of attraction (and how it speaks to the lizard brain of providing comfort for a woman and her kids), it still seems, to me, a fairly shallow reason if it's your *main* brand of attraction.

I'm genuinely proud of my wife's career achievements. But I personally couldn't care less if she was a doctor or someone who worked in a factory. As long as they're a genuine person who genuinely enjoys my company (and I don't think I'm *that* unlikeable), then we can build on it from there.

I've taken my daughter to try Taekwondo and then Rock Climbing on Sundays (just the two of us). Usually when our son is sleeping at about 10am, so my Wife gets some quiet time and me and my D get some quality time together.

She doesn't really get on well with the rock climbing (too lazy), so I'll look at planning other activities for the two of us. Maybe swimming together whilst the weather is shit over the winter (yay for UK weather!)

I do agree that my patience/frame can be short with my daughter and it's something I need to work on. I'm just scared she won't apply that amazing brain of hers as she's extreme smart and switched on. She's WAY ahead in her years for reading and doing really well on her spelling. But as soon as she gets home, her hearing switches off and she can't be arsed. Which does push my buttons.

My RED to work on.

Adam_S

An awful lot of things that work on wives work on daughters as well FWIW. Be a little bit cocky and funny with her. Don't take any shit but always be there when she needs you. You're her roll model for what to look for in a future husband too, so no pressure

Adam_S

My daughter sounds a bit like yours actually. She works really hard at school but she's not always keen to do anything outside of school, particularly spelling which she hates. She's very strong willed and independent too so trying to drive her simply doesn't work. You have to learn to lead her instead. For my one, a combination of rewards and praise and showing that you value, say, spelling works far better than trying to force her.

Her teacher suggested that we work on her spelling over the summer holidays so what I'm going to try is to get her some nice new exercise books with superhero pictures or something on them and some new coloured pens which she always loves. I'll agree some kind of sticker chart/reward kind of deal with her and we'll see how we go. It may or not work but I know for a fact that if I were to try and force her she'd absolutely hate it and would try everything she could to get out of doing it.

IrishGypsy

@Adam_S Sounds a bit like my wife! The apple never falls far from the tree! The joys of being the Captain eh?

Rorschach

For sure work on being less short with the D and doing more things with her, but I wouldn't get my shorts in a knot over being less lenient than your W. I am certainly much less lenient with my D on most things than my W (I never, ever negotiate or make promises), and in talking with other dads I know it seems pretty common.

frillyfun

I read this article this morning...we're definitely going through some parenting things right now, and I found this helpful:
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/01/31/opinion/sunday/how-to-raise-a-creative-child-step-one-back-off.html

Tennee

IrishGypsy said:

CartB4Horse said:

@IrishGypsy - most of what I hear up there ^^^ is raw energy, at least it would be for me. I've used negative energy for most of my life, being driven when people tell me I can't do something.

I also see that YOU know the real score.  If wifey cheats again you won't respond the same way again, right?

I'd kick the fucking apple cart over @Tennee Style if I were you.

I agree with @Tennee on that. The applecart *will* be upset. But it'll need to happen at a gradual pace. One.degree.at.a.time.

It will give my wife time to process that the changes are real and permanent.

Following up on this.  Yeah, I set the apple-cart on fire and kicked it, sending it careening down the street until it crashed at the bottom of the big hill in Tenneeville in a smoking heap.  Read several of my early threads and you'll get the flavor.  In retrospect, that was pure Godzilla/8w7 me doing my (earlier) normal thing - smashing tanks, breathing fire and wrecking downtown Tokyo until you win.  It likely wasn't very smart, and could have had very bad repercussions. 

For starters, it worsened already bad things, like the D Word being bandied about.  W telling me she's going back to work so she has 'her own money' just 'in case'.  Talking about living back home for a while with Kiddo, which lead to "The fuck you're taking our child away from me" conversation.  Bad, bad Mojo.  These were not good times.

Now, for SR, I think there was parity between us (then and now) and perhaps it is/was tilted in my favor - I was the primary bread winner then, I have a very solid, great-paying, DHV job, I'm not too awful on the eyes, etc.  So, I was in a position of strength from which to set the apple-cart ablaze.  That is very important.  I don't know if it was truly a Phase 4 or not, maybe close.  I certainly - and bluntly - stated I would not tolerate a sexless, roommate marriage.  The.End.  I was in a position where I could, frankly, pull this off.   Again, there was certainly a better way - MAPping on myself first, making me so Awesome she'd need sunglasses to to look at me.   Fix you first, right?  Some really smart Kiwi keeps talking about stuff like this.

When that fails, yeah, its time for Phase 4.  Look, I've told many folks here 'you gotta upset the apple-cart' and I mean it.  More importantly,  you have to understand WHEN its time to upset the apple-cart.

I quote Churchill and Sun Tzu a lot here, time for another one from The Master: 

"Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory. Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat."  - Sun Tzu. 

That might have been me - a lot of noise before defeat.  If you're not in the right place, read:  SR, Reds, Monkeys slain, etc. -  to upset the apple-cart and demand change via a Phase 4 and beyond - well then, that's just a lot of noise before your defeat. 

IG needs to get himself to a place where, if he decides its time to really destabilize things, he can pull it off.  That can be a slow process for some, rapid for others.   Or you can be like me, and just start wrecking things and see what happens.  I don't recommend that for the faint of heart.  Or those with some intelligence. 

He's on the right path now.  He needs to stay that course. 

frillyfun

I wouldn't get too hung up about her being attracted to status/power.  Everyone is to some degree or another.  Every attractive attached woman has been asked "what does your husband have that I don't have?" at some point.

You want to build your value to a point where your W can answer that easily, and with a variety of answers.  

IMHO that's the basic crux of status/power attraction.  Money is nice, but it's definitely not the only card to play.

IrishGypsy

Appreciate the insights and feedback everyone. Truly. Been a hugely exhausting week, very little sleep with stressing over this and the kids waking up in the night.

Athol asked me if I believed if I was seeing much of a return on the huge energy and time investments I've made over the past 12-months.

I said no. But that's only in the context of my marriage. As my MAP evolved to one that was for me (removing that huge Covert Contract), then I'd say it's been worth it.

A 3+ hr daily commute to work will be draining in the new year, so MAP'ing will be even tougher. The finances will take me to phase 2, but I'll still need to be on the ball as captain and lead days out, do chores, find time for myself, for me and my wife, plan family weekends, etc.

If I can afford it, I may invest in myself more with a 12-week coaching plan. If that's too much, then I'll go Gold here and hold myself more accountable to improving myself.

Last post for the rest of the week. My wife is out tomorrow night and so am I with one of my beat friends for a catch up. Then it's time to make mummy's Xmas present with the kids whilst mummy has her lay in.

IrishGypsy

And here's the Xmas present from our kids to my wife. Once the paint has dried, I'll spray a laquer on the calendar pages to protect the paint and then I'll run a couple passes with the water-based varnish over the handprints on the clipboard. I'll show the final result (if I can find an easy way to blur the family photos at the top.

IrishGypsy

So, today's lessons learned are:

1). Stick to poster paint when it comes to painting a kid's hand (for a hand print). I used water-based acrylic paint on my son's hand and whilst it came off easy in small amounts, I had to use a micro-fibre cloth to scrub the rest off. This also included his hair, face, neck and ears. Doh! 

2). Laquer spray stinks! My 'Bane' dust mask works better than I thought. Once I took it off in the garage the smell hit me like a ton of bricks!

3). Dry acrylic paint *indoors* as the cold garage has meant I couldn't apply the varnish to the height charts as they're not 100% dry yet. I'll take them indoors tonight (in a warm room) and apply the first coat before I head to bed and then apply the second coat in the morning.

4). Keep frame better. Raised my voice at my wife this morning when I tried to get inside the front door (to take our son to nursery) but as I opened the door I hit him on the head. She blamed me (even though I can't see through wood and she knew I was outside and needed to come back in). I blamed her and called her a "silly woman" in a raised tone. Not my finest moment, but her lack of forward thinking was disappointing.

IrishGypsy

Here's, an intentionally, blurred photo of how a few of the pages look. I'm pleased with how they've turned out. Hopefully my wife will feel the same way.

CallmeCat

What a awesome thoughtful gift. 

EANx

IrishGypsy said:

4). Keep frame better. Raised my voice at my wife this morning when I tried to get inside the front door (to take our son to nursery) but as I opened the door I hit him on the head. She blamed me (even though I can't see through wood and she knew I was outside and needed to come back in). I blamed her and called her a "silly woman" in a raised tone. Not my finest moment, but her lack of forward thinking was disappointing.

To your son: Hey kiddo <hugs> are you okay? Everything good?

To your wife: Woman! This boy reaches back to the caveman days. He is tough, he is ready. <gently bonks him on the head> He is ready for the trials!

IrishGypsy

And here's the final result of all that hard work.  Hopefully she'll like it. If not then it wasn't for a lack of thought and effort.

My wife was neon green yesterday, warned her she wasn't getting to sleep early and had a good porn star quality session last night.

When she commented mid-fuck "I know we don't do it often, but when we do it's always REALLY good", I STFU, grinned and just pounded her even harder. That seemed to do the trick

I wish you all the very best and if I don't see you 'on the other side' then I truly hope you find the happiness you clearly deserve.

The stay plan is the same as the go plan. MAP on my friends, MAP on.