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Comments
You can have great hygiene, be completely clean, and she may still have an issue with taste, texture and smell.
It doesn't stop her from eating certain foods that she dislikes the smell or texture or taste of for a variety of reasons. Or more so from trying to get me to eat foods I can't stand the taste, texture or smell of....
I've tried the pineapple juice before, the timing always seems to be off, I've drank gallons of the stuff weekly for several months with no inclination from her to try and see if there is a difference.
I'll have to come back to this tomorrow with some more details/examples.
"1. Need to exercise
2. Need to drink less soda
3. Need to eat less fast food
4. Need to schedule a dentist visit
5. Need to work on my personal hygiene
Shower daily Shave daily Start using cologne Dress better"
And all of that is great. Those are legitimate goals and great things to work on.
They're also things that indicate to me that not wanting to give you a BJTC does not mean she has any hang ups. It means she's a normal woman who would not find it a pleasant experience. There have been discussion threads before that the semen of obese men who drink soda and eat fast food, is repulsive. The overall experience of going down on a man who isn't overall healthy, is obese, doesn't shower, and doesn't groom is not a desirable experience.
So that was you five months ago and you have not indicated that you've done a 180. Of COURSE she doesn't want to go down on you. It's not a desirable experience. You need to exact significant and *lasting* changes on yourself before it will seem desirable to her.
And don't drink pineapple juice by the gallon. Eat a fresh, healthy diet that includes plenty of fruits and vegetables. That can include a moderate amount of pineapple just because it's a very tasty fruit. But downing a bunch of pineapple juice with an eyebrow waggle because you 1) expect it to override all the fast food and 2) expect her to respond as if drinking pineapple juice is an attractive thing to do, is going to have the exact opposite effect on her. Again, that's not a hangup. That's a normal female response.
It's absolutely a taste/texture/tempeture thing. And along those same lines I also don't eat foods I don't like (why would I?) so that was a weird comparison.
Luckily I'm married to an amazing man (who's sexy as hell and has no personal hygiene issues) who doesn't have such hang-ups about not getting them. He appreciates his sexy, highly sexual wife and the (many, many, many, many) things she does like sexually and doesn't feel 'cheated' in any way.
What I wanted to emphasize and add btw was one aspect of this that I think hasn't gotten enough due thus far. If you make this, or any other specific act, the barometer for her attraction for you then you're setting yourself up for long-term misery. If she moves items X, Y and Z from the 'never' list onto the 'sometimes' list and you're still pushing up against one of her hard no items (be it BJTC or something else), then you risk setting yourself back months, possibly even a year or more, in your MAP. The 'why bother' effect can be brutal. It takes a shitpile of time and effort to dig out of that hole.
This is where your OI needs to be at Olympic levels of awesome. Because rest assured she knows what you really want and she's completely aware of any perceived failures you believe are occurring in your sex life. So, get to the point where you're not just faking that you're not disappointed, but actually eliminate your disappointment.
It might be helpful to remind you that wives generally have a much higher social IQ than their husbands. Whatever you think you're concealing from her about your true disappointment, rest assured she already knows what you really think deep down. And, be aware that that is silently costing you both comfort and attraction.
Your wife is awesome for the things she says 'yes' to. She isn't limited or constrained because of the things she says 'no' to. The latter assumption is the fastest way to grow the 'no' pile, ironically.
To answer the 2nd part. I wish I knew exactly why the TC was so important to me. Is it because I don't get it very often, so it's what I desire most? I don't know, I can say though that the best, most mind blowing sex we've had in our 20 year relationship is really just a couple of steps above the worst BJTC she's given me in terms of my favorite sexual experiences. And nothing comes close to the best BJTC's. If I ranked my top 10 sexual experiences with her they would be Best BJTC, Really Good BJTC, Good BJTC, Really Awesome Sexual Experience, Average BJTC, Average BJTC, Below Average BJTC, Below Average BJTC, Great Sexual Experience, Good Sexual Experience.
That's my hi-light real. It's not a generic list, but specific encounters. There is just something utterly and completely mind-blowing about a good BJTC, where she doesn't stop sucking until I've collapsed into a quivering mess on the sheets. When it's a really good one, the afterglow kicks in and i'm riding cloud nine for days afterwards. Then it fades to a fond memory that brings random smiles (and erections) to me throughout the day. I get back to "normal" about a week or two afterwards. Then if it goes a several months without a BJTC I start to crave one again, not a serious craving, but more of like we haven't had steak in a few weeks, lets have steak for dinner tonight. If she's not up for it, craving a different flavor, etc. then that's fine, I have no negative reaction, or even thoughts yet. Usually it will be several weeks after that before the craving pops up again, and once again, I have zero negative reactions to her desire for a different flavor. That will last for a few more months, until I slowly feel the discontent with our sex life creeping back in.
BJs (not TC) used to be more common, and sometimes even enthusiastic, but that has waned as she can tell I'd much rather they last TC. We've tried lots of differing things over the years, and no matter what she try's, anything short of TC (when she brings me all the way to the edge and then switches to hand/other stimulation/has me finish outside her mouth) is a huge letdown for me. It's like I was in the best steakhouse in town, i ordered the steak, I smelled it cooking, and then they brought be a plate of bland rice and beans.
Of course when she does give me a BJTC she will often remark afterwards that she doesn't understand what her problem with it is/was, that she enjoyed giving me that pleasure, and it wasn't bad for her either. However even saying that she doesn't make another attempt anytime soon.
I guess it's frustrating for me from the standpoint of, here is the one thing she can do for me, and only she can do it for me, that would be the single best gift, present, showing of affection, etc. possible, leaps and bounds above anything else, and she's unwilling to even explore how to get it onto the menu more frequently.
Now, I know the answer here, it's keep mapping. MAP harder, better, stronger. When I'm significantly improved, eventually I'll get to the point of having a choice to make. If things haven't improved on this one thing, then I'll have to decide how important it really is to me, and make a decision. I'm not there yet, and won't be there for at least 6 months to a year or longer. So maybe this whole conversation is premature. Something in another thread just sent me down that rabbit hole.
So, I agree it was a weird comparison. I guess what sticks in my head is how she's always trying to get me to eat broccoli. I know it's good for me, she knows I can't stand the taste, texture or smell of it cooked, like to the point of not wanting to sit at the table to eat if I can smell it, and yet once or twice a year she'll bring up how it would be good for me if I could learn to like broccoli. Or spinach, or cauliflower, etc.
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
On #2, I drink 1-2 sodas a week now, instead of 2-4 a day.
On #3, we eat out at home 1-2 times a week instead of 4-5, and for lunch at work I eat out less than once a week now, as opposed to 3-5 times a week when I started that thread last year.
On #4, this once again got pushed back due to other higher priority items. It's still on the list, just have to take care of some other items 1st.
On #5, I've been dressing better consistently, I'm using cologne almost daily, and showering daily unless there is something preventing it (like camping with the boy scouts where there are no shower facilities). I still need to work on shaving daily, but I have been more consistent.
I should update my map thread.
Otherwise, not so much.
If you make anything in your sex life a hill to die upon, then you're taking a risk that your sex life actually dies on that particular hill. Is it worth that risk?
However, what started this, was @forestleaf 's post about her husband not being satisfied with their sex life and a specific mention she made of BJTC in there. What she describes seems to be an almost ideal sex life. Mine is nowhere near there, but I was thinking if it got there, would I be satisfied if BJTC was still only happening once or twice a year. Unfortunately I think the answer would honestly be no. As I mentioned previously, after 6 months or so without a BJTC I would feel the dissatisfaction creep in.
So I wanted to hear the female perspective, and especially from those who don't like to give a BJTC, and understand the myriad reasons behind it. Is this a solvable problem, i.e. once everything else is where it needs to be, can we solve either my desire for BJTC or her reluctance to give them?
I appreciate all of the feedback, but especially from @Winter , @MrsSmith , @amblrgirl , @HildaCorners , @Angeline and @frillyfun giving me the female perspective on the act itself and what could lead to her being more receptive to it, eventually, after all the attraction and RC issues are handled.
I'm a man who never really takes anything off the table. I'll try anything she wants to try, and even if I don't directly enjoy the specific act or item, her pleasure turns me on greatly, so I'm still an eager participant in anything she wants to try. Since the opposite obviously isn't true, I wanted to explore this specific act further from the perspective of those who don't enjoy it and/or refuse to do it.
I know that out there are some women (maybe not on this forum) who when presented with their ideal perfect specimen of attractiveness in every way, who would gladly do 100s of other sexual acts they would never do with someone less attractive, but this one act would still be completely off the menu. I struggle to understand that, hence this post.
MAP, improve things, and build attraction. And in my case, continue to repair/unfuck major screw ups.
Or I can complain. Or make it a Holy Grail pursuit. Or go tilting windmills - chasing one possible 'cause' after another in an endless quest to 'solve' it.
Me, I'm gonna keep making myself Awesome. Because that's the only solution. If ultimately, I'm unhappy with the lack of BJTCs, well, I know how to go through the phases, and ultimately make a decision. Personally, as several others have noted here, one act is not the hill to die on IMO. But that's me.
Make yourself so Awesome you drip Awesomesauce everywhere you go. Until then, any other attempt to 'solve' this is wasted effort; put the focus where it needs to go - on your improvement.
How will you live well today?