Ivy's MAP

Ivy

I read the MMSLP and the MAP book back in October and wrote a MAP in my journal and I've improved some things but I guess I want some more accountability and possible feedback.  It seems that I'm either going about things the wrong way or not doing enough because it feels like we're just fighting more.

Here goes:

Reds

-get on birth control

-declutter

-get wisdom teeth pulled - I need to stop procrastinating this

-start saving money

-orbiting husband - I know that hanging around him waiting for his attention is a DLV but lately he has started getting mad when I spend too much time doing other things. Recently he complained about my gym time in a fight but I don't think the gym 3-4 x a week is too much.

-frame

-stop covert contracts

-time management - I always overestimate how much I can get done in a certain amount of time

-too much screen time

-people pleasing

-start daily scripture study

-make time for craft projects/ hobbies

-resentment about lack of sex

-reading erotica instead of initiating

Yellows

A lot of these used to be reds and are things I have been working on.

-exercise - when things come up or I have a lot of things to do this kind of falls by the wayside

-start taking vitamins

-set a budget and stick to it - currently using YNAB and trying to track where we are spending and what is a reasonable budget

-pay off debt - I have been working on this and when I graduate in May the only debt we should have is student loans

-stop making negative comments about myself

-nagging

-whining

-wear more dresses/ nice shoes

-be consistent and calm with expectations and repercussions with kids - I've been working on this and it has improved but I think it still needs work

-ask for things to be done nicely - I've gotten much better about making reasonable requests in a reasonable tone of voice

-get house chores done every day

-no yelling

-express gratitude for things husband does

-stop doing things I don't like / hanging out with people I don't like because DH wants me to

-do activities I like

-Make time for each child individually

Greens

-Makeup / hair every day

-diet

My 3 monkeys for this week:
make an appointment with my OBGYN to get on birth control because getting pregnant right now would be really, really bad
limit myself to 30 minutes of screen time a day
spend 2 hours this week working on decluttering

Any feedback is welcome.

CartB4Horse

@Ivy - welcome aboard!!

You have a lot going on up there ^^^.  Concentrate on your monkeys, get them knocked out this week.

forestleaf

Hi Ivy, welcome.  Nice MAP!

I agree that going to the gym 3-4x per week is not too much.  Even daily would be good.  Why did he get upset about that? 

If you've been to the Ob/gyn within the last year, he or she might just go ahead and prescribe birth control without another visit right now.  I would recommend using backup until you get on it. 

dalef

Invite H along to gym.

Ivy

@dalef I have tried multiple times to get H to go with me to the gym. He will go once or twice and then won't go anymore. He has a membership he's used maybe 5 or 6 times. My wanting us to be more active has been a long standing bone of contention and has caused more than a few arguments. 

@forestleaf I don't think I've been in over a year. Last year I didn't have insurance because the paperwork that has to be submitted every year wasn't sent in on time. I had just had a baby and wasn't on top of stuff. H told me it was taken care of but it wasn't. We are using back up birth control. I won't chance getting pregnant right now. He brought up how much I go to the gym in an argument when he was talking about how I'm not home enough and he never sees me. We have had a lot of issues because after work he wants to sit on the couch watching tv until bed. When I'm feeling cynical I feel like he isn't happy about the workout frequency because he can't zone in front of the tv. I understand wanting to relax after work but he's home by 3 and wants to sit until bed. Right now my schedule is pretty insane and will be until I graduate in May but I have a lot of weight I need to lose and I can't do that without exercising. 

forestleaf

It sounds to me like he wants to be lazy, and you not being lazy makes him feel bad about himself so he wants you to stop being active.  Does that sound possible?  Keep up the gym.  It's awesome you're working out regularly.  What kinds of exercises do you do?  How is your diet coming?  I think you mentioned that's going well?

How about choosing an activity with your husband that shows him you want to spend time with him, something active (possibly) like going on a walk or a hike or bike ride?  Then not only are you continuing your quest toward fitness, but you're showing him you want to be around him.  Also, what about regular date nights?

Ivy

Thanks @forestleaf those are all really good ideas. I think it's very possible he likes being lazy because it's easier. Until I got mad about it he used to sabotage my diets too.We do date nights probably once sometimes twice a month and things are always best between us after a date night. That's usually when the most likely time he will initiate too. Sometimes I can get him to go for a walk with me. I've been trying to get him to try a swing dancing or ballroom dancing class with me and I think he might be wearing down. It would be exercise and us being together. 
My diet is going really well. No grains, no processed food. The only carbs I eat are fruit. I've lost 30 lbs.  My gym routine is pretty beginner. One day is cardio. One day I devote to arms/shoulders and another to legs and abs but the weights are all really low and I imagine it'll be slow going until I'm not obese anymore. I'd like to get up to 5 days but I really think that's going to have to wait until after graduation in May. He's not going to get me to stop going to the gym. It's not just so I can be more attractive , I'd really like to be around to see grandchildren some day.

CartB4Horse

Awesome that you're losing weight and going to the gym for YOU.

Ivy

This week was pretty good. Easter was really good. Everything went off pretty well without me overloading myself thinking that everything has to be perfect for our family to enjoy the holiday. I fell of my diet a bit between Easter and the cold I got midweek. I also only managed two workouts this week so I'll have to make sure I'm a bit more diligent the next couple weeks. I find it's really easy to get lazy about diet/ exercise if I slack one week.
I've got my Obgyn appointment made. I also convinced DH to follow up with the dr about his low t so he has a lab appt and a dr appt this month. I also did this without nagging, which is a step forward for me. I brought up the info @Serenity  mentioned in my into about testosterone's effect on diabetes and cardiovascular health, so thank you. 
I made some progress on decluttering but there's so much more that needs to be done. I failed at limiting myself to 30 min of recreational screen time so there's more work that needs to be done there. 
I mentioned last week that DH had gotten upset at me for not being available enough. We talked about it again. On Tuesday night I made sure I was home so we could spend time together and he zoned in front of the tv good for most of the night. When he later complained about my schedule I told him that on Tuesday I was home and he spent the evening zoning out on the tv and I don't consider that time together, that I'm open to any activity he'd like to plan for us as a couple or as a family but watching tv isn't quality time or interesting to me. I think it might have finally sunk in because the next night he got out some cards and we had some fun playing rummy. 

Monkeys for for this week:
2 more hours on decluttering 
continue to limit my screen time
make and stick to a study schedule
figure out a vitamin/ supplement regimen

CartB4Horse

Awesome calling him out on tv watching.

Keep the pressure on.

Ivy

Thanks @CartB4Horse. This convo was much more effective than similar ones I've tried to have in the past. I think the difference in this time versus the other times is that I held frame this time a lot better than usual. I didn't blow up or raise my voice. 
I think my biggest challenge is keeping the pressure on and still showing him respect.

CartB4Horse

Seems like he wants to spend time together; he just needs to learn how to make that time attractive to you.

Ivy

That is one of the main issues. I'd love to get him to read MMSLP but so far he is resistant and since part of my map is not nagging and being more respectful that's kind of on the backburner.

Ivy

The past couple weeks have been pretty busy as I'm getting close to the end of the semester and graduation. I've done well with my study schedule and limiting my screen time. The screen time could because I've been too busy studying though. I did get a vitamin regimen going. Decluttering hasn't happened. Every once in a while I start getting anxiety about finding employment after graduation. No one will even look at hiring me until I pass a registry exam and have a license so it's kind of a moot point until then. I am in contact with 2 of the hospitals I've done clinical rotations at but I hate the uncertainty. I'm just kind of trying to focus on what's in front of me right now but I'm having a hard time with that.

Diet / exercise is back on track. I've lost the Easter weight gain plus 2lbs. I found a beginner HIIT that I can get through that I'm doing on the days I just can't get to the gym. However, the last time I worked out I pulled a muscle in my calf so no cardio for me until it feels better.

We've been looking for a new activity for DD2 to do. She used to be on a competition dance team but the time commitment and travel just wore on her. She's tried several different things she was excited about at first but her enthusiasm waned quickly. I got her into art lessons at a studio here and she really likes it so I think we finally found her something. 

A couple of interesting things happened with DH the last week or so. One day during shark week he was being really flirty, suggestive comments and even a couple drive by's which almost never happen and I was actually feeling really attracted to him so I took care of him  that night. It has been years since we've done anything sexual during shark week. After my pregnancy with DD1, he refused to have sex during my period. We also had sex one time since then as well that was decent. 

A couple days ago he got pissy with me for not reading his mind. I was studying at the library and he wanted me to come home so he didn't have to take DD3 with him somewhere but he didn't text or call me. When I got home and he snapped at me about it I calmly told him he needed to text me if he wants me to do something or be somewhere and that I'm not going to try to read his mind. He grumbled a lot but honestly I think that's the first time I've felt that calm when he's mad about something like that. Maybe my frame is getting better? Or at least I'm not running around trying to fix things when he flips out because something doesn't go his way as I've done in the past so I don't have to hear the yelling.

This week I really need to get some decluttering done. It's a huge red and after I graduate and start working we need to get ready to move and I would really like the junk gone and our things organized before we move. 

I really need to study every day this week and finish a project for school.

I ordered Serenity's book and it came in today so I need to start reading that. DH has an appointment about his diabetes and low t soon so I'd really like to have it finished by then.

Ivy

I finished reading the Fries book. It put a lot of things into perspective. I think I'll be better able to treat this as a medical issue and not him just being lazy which will hopefully cut down on my frustration. I also think he's been low t for a really long time. DH went to the doctor this week but they screwed up and didn't order the testosterone test, so he has to do it again. The dr did go over in more detail with him what it had been in October. It was in the low 200's then. So right now he's supposed to sleep more and start a weight training program. His a1c did go down though. 

After reading Serenity's book and watching the first couple nice card videos it's becoming apparent how bad my people pleasing and nice girl issues are and how many issues they've caused. So I think the next big thing in my map needs to be better boundaries and working on my need to please everyone. To show how bad it is, I got asked if I could make a cosplay for a convention that's the same day as my graduation and I actually caught myself trying to figure out how to manage my time so I could design and make a custom costume in the middle of studying for finals. I did tell them I couldn't do it but I felt really guilty and I can't figure out why I should even feel guilty about that. 
DH is getting better at communicating if he needs to know something since the incident described in my last update. On a bad note though he had mentioned planning a bbq for my graduation but dropped it because it would have meant him not attending the graduation so he could prep everything. I asked him what was going on with the bbq or celebration and he flipped out and started yelling about how he didn't know what to do or who to invite. So I planned it myself. We're having a dinner at an Italian restaurant. It's just really disappointing and a big fat negative that one thing fell through so he dropped the whole idea.
Decluttering is plodding along.
Diet is going good. Workouts are going well too. I'm upped it to 5 days/wk the last 2 weeks. I'm losing but not to the extent I was a few months ago.
We've only had sex once the last 2 weeks and it was uninspiring. His initiation was weak and had to look for condoms and I had mostly lost the mood by then. I know I should have probably have turned down the weak initiation but I'm having trouble wrapping my head around turning down sex when I've complained about a lack of sex for several years.

Ivy

So, my husband didn't do anything for Mother's Day and I'm not sure how to handle it. I'm incredibly hurt. I've waited several days to post about it because I wanted to see if the hurt would die down but it's really not. Do I tell him how hurt and disappointed I am or should I just let it lie for right now because of the low t? I feel at some point low t can't explain everything away. Our 17th anniversary is coming in a little over a week and I have a suspicion that it's going to be the same.

Roses

I don't know, Ivy, but I'm in the same boat. My mom did a ton: flowers and took us out to lunch, and my husband managed to say "Happy Mother's Day" and that was it. I kind of want to play tit for tat and ignore Father's Day.

It doesn't stop hurting, in my experience. Next time he forgets-Christmas, birthday, whatever, it all comes back and builds. At least it's not a surprise.

frillyfun

Low t doesn't give him a free pass to hurt, or disappoint you any more than PMS allows you to be a bitch.  It explains it, but it doesn't excuse it.  The more you forgive in the name of low-t the less responsibility he'll accept for his behavior.

 If you are hurt speak your truth to him.  Then leave him with the kids, and go get a pedicure or whatever your Mama heart desires.

Roses

The problem with that, is that if you go do whatever/get whatever you wanted, is that next holiday he can sit there and say 'Last time you got yourself what you really wanted so why didn't you do that this time?' And in his mind he's got the perfect excuse to not try and give himself all the good husband points, because he's letting you pick the thing you really want.
It's not about the thing, it's about the thought. BTDT got the espresso maker to proove it.
Tell him how you feel, absolutely. I hope it helps. I just figure my husband doesn't care enough to try. But you're in a different relationship so for you it could work.

frillyfun

I act preemptively.  If I want something specific I tell him.

So next week is your anniversary.  Ask if needs help finding a sitter, and if he doesn't get the hint tell him if he wants to make it to your 18th anniversary then he needs to plan something for your 17th.  Mention a restaurant you'd  like to try, or an activity you'd like to do.

Ivy

It's absolutely not about the present. The lack of effort for anything for our relationship, whether it is special days like Mothers Day or my graduation or just occasionally going on a date that I didn't plan, kills me. It's starts to make me feel like he just doesn't give a shit.