What is happening here? No connection after intimacy?

MiddleMan

Here's something unusual that's happening to me as I'm back in the dating market. When it happened once, I didn't think much about it. But it's happened twice now, and that's enough of a trend that I'd like some insight from the group. 

I'm doing pretty well, all things considered. I'm not having much difficulty (beyond scheduling) in setting up dates with lots of women using Tinder and Bumble. I've had two separate women "next" me after dates ended in (or near) sex.

In both cases, we had fun on our dates. I was charming. We had chemistry to the point where (on a second date) we ended up having sex at my house, and (with another woman, on a first date) we ended up at her apartment, where we stopped just short of sex.

And each of them, in the next day or two, told me that they didn't feel a spark or a connection with me. This doesn't add up in my mind. I was able to give each of them orgasms, they each were into it in the moment, and then they each gave me a similar story- They just weren't feeling it. 

I really don't know what to make of it. Was I that bad? It didn't seem so in the moment. Is this just code for something else? It's just confusing in that I seem to be doing a whole lot right. It just doesn't make sense. 

Maria

Sounds as if they just wanted to have fun. They had it and that was it.
Just my take - but admittedly I know nothing about the dating market.

forestleaf

What exactly is/was your goal with these women, and how did these events go against your wishes?  I had the impression you were not wanting to become exclusive at this point.

Elise

Can I ask... are you sure they had an orgasm? 

MiddleMan

forestleaf said:

What exactly is/was your goal with these women, and how did these events go against your wishes?  I had the impression you were not wanting to become exclusive at this point.

That's a good point. 

I'm now at the point where I'd go exclusive with the right woman. 

It's not that the events went against my wishes. Im still fine with having casual sex. I'm more concerned that these women weren't "marketing" themselves as being in the short-term mating market, and I think that women would tend to view me as a good long-term prospect. 

So maybe I'm not seeing myself correctly; maybe I'm a better short-term mating prospect than I give myself credit for. And maybe this is just coincidence.

One lesson I'm taking from this: The more recent of these two experiences was very centered on her pleasure. I gave to her; she didn't reciprocate. And I didn't really ask. I need to be in my own frame. I kind of assumed that next time, there'd be more for me there. And next time didn't happen because she didn't feel a connection. 

MiddleMan

Elise said:

Can I ask... are you sure they had an orgasm? 

I suppose it's possible she was faking. But she went through the trouble of showing me what she needed (making a small adjustment to where my hand was) and then announcing that she was coming. I didn't ask her if she came, though. 

LadyOrTheTyger

I've done that.  A lot.  And it wasn't because the sex was bad, it was because the sex wasn't my flavor.  Not that the guys were bad (they weren't) or that I didn't O (sometimes I did; sometimes I faked it to get them out of my bed), but because you only have to fuck a guy once to find out he's not your sexual flavor, and I haven't found another way besides fucking him to find this out. Sex is the second round of audition.  First round-- you don't appear to be a serial killer and we can have a nice time together.  Second round-- how do we fuck?

When we're young and we marry one of the first people we fuck, we're not picky.  Often we marry for reasons other than sex and then kind of bump along with our spouse and figure things out.   But the older we get the the more experience we have, the pickier we get.  Yeah he's attractive and yeah we had a nice time and yeah the sex wasn't bad. .. . but it didn't blow my mind and it wasn't my flavor.  So. . . . next.  

I'm not using flavor here in the same sense as Athol's sexual flavors, because I've had guys follow my exact sexual "flavor" (responsive and submissive) and still not be my flavor.  

MiddleMan

That makes a lot of sense, @LadyOrTheTyger. It certainly fits with what I've experienced here.

For the most recent one, as an example: I think she wanted me to be more verbal. She was asking me what I liked about her breasts, etc., while I was "focused" on them. What kind of question is that? They're breasts! They're awesome! Maybe she needed someone who could have waxed poetic about her breasts. That's not me.

Jen_Kay

If you're meeting people on Tinder, they are there for a very specific reason. The Tinder version of "short term relationship" is usually "one night stand" in nature. Are they reacting to a sense that you're looking for more than extremely short term, which is not something they want?

Templar

Was she basically asking you to talk dirty to her?

LadyOrTheTyger

I get the feeling that sexual chemistry is a bigger deal for women than it is for men.  Please correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like what men want is frequent enthusiastic sex with an attractive woman, and blowjobs.  What women want is. . .  je ne sais quoi.  Maybe it's the way he smells.  The way he tastes.  The way his voice sounds when your head is on his chest.  The way your bodies fit together.  It's not what he does; it's how he does it.  I have nexted a lot of great guys because they just weren't my catnip. The good thing is that it's unique to each woman, and at some point you will be some woman's catnip.  

MiddleMan

Jen_Kay said:

If you're meeting people on Tinder, they are there for a very specific reason. The Tinder version of "short term relationship" is usually "one night stand" in nature. Are they reacting to a sense that you're looking for more than extremely short term, which is not something they want?

That's possible too, although a lot of women on Tinder say "no hookups" in their profiles. So many that it's a bit of a joke. 

Bumble is very similar to Tinder, but it doesn't have the same reputation as a hookup app. 

Angeline

Tinder may be a hookup app, but women are still women. Usually "no spark" means they aren't attracted, or more likely in your case don't see a future with you. If you're pretty blatantly NSA they might move on once they realize you're for real about that.

A lot of women may not want to settle down right away, but they will still react negatively on a lizard level when they realize this isn't ever going to evolve into something more. They're open to that, you aren't - understandable and totally OK, but it's also OK for them to want the chance of something more.

Tennee

"And each of them, in the next day or two, told me that they didn't feel a spark or a connection with me. This doesn't add up in my mind. I was able to give each of them orgasms, they each were into it in the moment, and then they each gave me a similar story- They just weren't feeling it. "

This may come off slightly douchey, but....so what.   "Oh, OK, no spark.  See ya round".  Annnnnnnd, Next!  What's the problem exactly?

"I'm now at the point where I'd go exclusive with the right woman. "

Ahhhhhh, there it is.   You're wanting a 'relationship' (???).  Because that makes sense as to why you're concerned -  are you concerned you weren't 'relationship worthy' in their eyes?  Cause if its just no 'spark', that's gonna happen a lot, so don't sweat it. 

never_again

"No hookups" is the good girl, anti-slut defence.  She can say it, but if it happens she has plausible deniability.  

I related a while back a date I had with a woman where she straight up offered me a blowjob (thank you very much!) and was gushing by text about how she told her son about this great guy she met (presumably leaving out that she'd blown me). 

The next day she texted that she wasn't into me.  C'est la vie.

MiddleMan

It's clear that I'm assuming a level of rationality that just isn't there, too. 

Angeline

Or, you're not bringing the intensity, and they've got nothing to connect to.

somanychickens

As someone who exhibited the puzzling behavior of nexting more than a few guys after sex or near-sex when I was single, and knows women who have done the same, I can tell you that it is all about how good the sexual connection was. Even if a girl wants to stay uncommitted, she'll definitely come back for seconds if the sex was awesome.

A lot of times, it may really be about your chemistry with her, and not about something that's actually wrong with you. You can behave in such a way as to manufacture chemistry with more women, though. Eye contact is huge. Before sex, during sex, while giving her head. The more dominant and predatory, the better. You always want to be driving the next move - spreading her legs, pushing her down, spinning her into another position, etc. You should convey a sense of urgency. This is not a relaxed encounter, this is you needing to own her right now. For women, it's really less about whether we had an orgasm and more about whether we felt supremely alive at every moment, and whether we felt that you were right there with us (never half-hearted).

I know this is harder to do when you first meet someone, but it is also fantastic if you can give her a sense of being tenderly, personally connected to her throughout the experience. Lots of making out and holding her close goes a long way to accomplishing this. I see a lot of RP stuff that nails the dominance, but while that might be 2/3 of the equation, the other 1/3 is about doing it lovingly. Ever seen 50 Shades of Gray, the movie that has driven millions of women crazy? He was dominant, yes, but he also made her feel very special.

Maybe try switching your technique up and see what happens!

Like_Water

I have no experience with short-term hookups, but this sounds to me like we are expecting some kind of magical connection to be made instantly.  Sounds ironically like blue-pill romanticism to me--"You'll know when you've found the perfect person because there will be magic."

I have no advice about what is going on with these women, only a caution that you not expect some kind of instantaneous connection with the right woman based on magical sex.

LadyOrTheTyger

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think Middleman is looking for a connection. He's wondering why these ladies are nexting him with the excuse of "No connection." Which, by the way, is the polite catch-all online dating term for "I'm just not interested."

MiddleMan

LadyOrTheTyger said:

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think Middleman is looking for a connection. He's wondering why these ladies are nexting him with the excuse of "No connection." Which, by the way, is the polite catch-all online dating term for "I'm just not interested."

Right. And moreover, why they're saying they're not interested/don't feel a connection after getting rather physical. 

Thats supposed to be a guy thing!