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Comments
@Tennee
Think back to the 'hot' stretch you had and what worked and what didn't. Oh trust me, I have. But its not working anymore.
You see it all as an Either / Or, as opposed to moving both along simultaneously. MAP, fix what's busted, AND change the status quo. Work on improving the Reds AND building attraction while initiating, and good OI when shot down. Make sense? Yes and no. Still not clear on initiating. If she is clearly red and I know without a doubt that she will reject, what's the purpose of initiating? (Other than more OI practice)
we weren't talking, lots of things going on with the kids and we slowly just drifted apart and disconnected.
I'm currently going on two weeks without and it really isn't bothering me all that much. Mind you, I think my T levels may have tanked as morning wood (or any wood for that matter) hasn't been around lately.
Some folks here say to initiate even if you know she's glowing red. I personally think it's a waste of time. Don't even bother. You have plenty of practice already at being oi. Maybe give yourself a self imposed moritorium on sex. Don't think about it and don't look to your wife to offer it up (won't happen).
double down on your workouts, stop being the family butler and map your ass off!
remember this, the one who cares the least about the relationship holds all the power. You need to get yourself into a place/frame where you DGAF.
@nubby " give yourself a self imposed moritorium on sex" She has already done that for me - Lol. But I get your point.
Fortunately it was my wife that brought up the lack of sex I'm curious - where do you think you'd be now if she wasn't the one who brought it up? Or more importantly, if she wasn't interested in partnering with you to improve this area of your lives? (If she told you sex doesn't even cross her mind and would be content without it indefinitely)
We had pretty much a conversation like that two years ago. I just let her know that if she wasn't interested in sex and having a half decent marriage that maybe we should think of just going our own way from here on out. I was ready to pull the pin at that point so it didn't bother me to let her know that if things didn't change I wouldn't be around much longer. I also let her know matter of factly that I take my vows seriously and would never cheat but divorce wasn't off the table.
I had nothing to lose at that point so I didn't give a shit one way or another how it turned out.
She back peddled pretty quick.
@shibari Thanks for the insights!
Also, if she indeed would grab every excuse possible to avoid sex with you (that's exactly what she does), would you even want to fuck her? Serious question. ("Yes" is an acceptable answer.) Yes
And what do you mean by RED? That would be sick, or exhausted (yet is still fine to go do whatever else she feels like so I call bullshit). If grief would turn her RED, sex would indeed be off the table. But then, what would you complain about? No problem with that for a while.
You think she would be grieving RED for months on end? Years?
Not likely. Maybe not years but the months are ticking away
You want a plan? Work on your MAP items (I am) until you either succeed or can't stand it any more. Then enjoy or blow up.
If you feel like doing something crazy, set up a one hour call with Athol. Moving that direction. However I suspect he has quite a backlog right now and I need to get the money set aside anyways
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
Don't get pissy, but at the same time don't be all warm and fuzzy either.
You need to learn how to do several things.
1. Be confident and secure enough in yourself that being turned down doesn't really matter so much.
2. Learn how to give IOD's (indications of disinterest) when turned down. Being pissy is not a good IOD, it is a sign of weakness. A good IOD is shrugging your shoulders and going to lift weights in the garage. Find something that you can do that makes you feel good, ideally is a DHV of some kind and that doesn't involve her.
3. Learn what a DHV is to your wife and learn to spot IOI's from her. If you've just calmly walked away from a rejection and are, I don't know, having fun with the kids in the back yard instead, look for little signs from her. Compliments, wanting to be around you, that sort of thing. When get enough IOI's, be prepared to act on them.
4. Give an appropriate level of relationship comfort. If you feel like you're supposed to be doing XYZ, run chores for her, listen to her complain about her day etc. but it feels like bullshit because she's done nothing for the relationship in the last month, then don't. Be pleasant, be civil, but don't give her any more warmth or comfort than you feel comfortable with.
"But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love." - Bill Hicks
Well, that's 6 weeks, which has been a while. Forgive me for missing it, but what happened exactly?
If she really isn't dealing with grief well, is it worth talking about some counselling or something similar? Having grief spill over into depression isn't a good thing.
"But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love." - Bill Hicks
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
Fair enough. That's pretty shit.
@Happytrail, how has she been functioning aside from the sex?
Is it feasible at all to plan some kind of trip away or other fun, take your mind off of everything that happened DHV-ish activity? Sounds like you all could use getting a bit of positive momentum back into life.
ETA, when I get whacked out, I look for some combination of sleep, exercise, time alone and sex. Those things help keep me sane and put energy back into the tank. If you're burned out from everything that happened as well, could that be one of the reasons you're looking for sex? Is there anything else you could do that might help?
"But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love." - Bill Hicks
Angeline: the last time we had sex was Jan 12. SIL took a turn for the worse after that and was day-by-day. For practical purposes the 'grief' set in then. That's 2 1/2 months and counting. (I should add that before the couple weeks in Dec/Jan it had been close to a year without sex). That's all academic. The more important point is that she has stated clearly that sex is the farthest thing from her mind which would indicate this will continue for some time. She wont kiss me goodbye. I just rested my hand on her knee while watching tv the other night and she promptly pushed it away. The overall dynamic at home is otherwise good - everyone gets along and is generally happy, lots of game playing/family tv time/fun, she asks me for/about things (almost daily) and I make the decisions, finances are in better shape than in quite a while, I'm dressing well and have significantly improved all grooming, in the best physical shape in 3 yrs (since I did the Tri and a 25k race back to back and screwed up my knee), we have date nights, the household chore list has normalized. I have done nothing but continually improve yet she has not responded in a lasting, positive way. Sure their are things to keep working on but nothing so serious that a healthy wife cant have sex with pretty awesome husband. I'm trying to be sensitive to the grieving but at some point I need a wife and regular sex life. It's hard to see that as becoming a reality. I thought hearing from others in a similar position with positive outcomes would be encouraging. That's the whole purpose of starting this thread.
So, do a Drive-by - a neck kiss, a squeeze, that's it - walk away.
Again, this is a multi-pronged approach, not linear. The above it 'All or Nothing' - you have to take this is a complex problem, which requires may solutions - not going from A to Z.
How will you live well today?
Fitocracy: atxchick
Enneagram 6w5, married to a 5
Replies embedded in message above. Can't seem to bold from my phone.
So if you're not sure how long you've been MAPping, you probably haven't been full throttle the entire time. (I think most of us have had ups and downs on our MAP activity, so I don't mean that to be any kind of judgement. We're all human.) But subtract a few months for that. Your wife just went through a traumatic experience (it was probably somewhat traumatic for your entire family) so that's going to set things back a few months, too.
So, you're close. That's why you're seeing some improvements outside the bedroom. But my dad always told me that close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
I know you're tired and frustrated, and life circumstances you couldn't control are going to stall your progress for awhile. But don't quit at close.
I almost quite when I was close and so many forum members told me to hold on. I'm glad I did. And I think you might be, too.
In the meantime - contented discontent. Like when you need to pee on a road trip, but the next rest stop is 45 minutes away. You're not really happy, but it's okay because you know you'll get there and you know you're getting closer every minute you keep driving.
Fitocracy: atxchick
Enneagram 6w5, married to a 5
Fitocracy: atxchick
Enneagram 6w5, married to a 5