Fear of succeeding

never_again

@Middleman's thread got me thinking more on my own dating dilemma, so I thought I'd post this.

Not exactly sure how to title this so I'm going to put it out as "Fear of succeeding".  Maybe after reading you can suggest more appropriately what my dilemma is and how to handle it.

I've given up on online dating. I still check it out but really see it for what it is - a whole lot of effort for a ridiculously poor return.

I've been doing pretty good at establishing the AMOG thing in my peer singles group (Meetup), such that I have a significant following in the female part of the group and the regular guys defer to me.  Whenever any new guys drop in I've been able to hold my own.  I've heard a couple times that when we go out people want to sit where I am because it's the "cool" table.

With that success has come access to women who are higher SR than most of the group, though most of the group I'm not attracted to anyway.  Definite IOI's from the higher SR women.  I've also noticed that those women also tend to be more alpha themselves, which means that they would need a stronger captain in a relationship.  I should add that the higher SR women are really few in number, maybe 10% of the active female cohort and, for various reasons, I'm interested in very few of them.

Bottom line, I'm reluctant to make a move on any of these women because I don't know if I could sustain the level of alpha they would demand in a relationship.  I'm perfectly willing to captain up but I'm apprehensive that I wouldn't be able to maintain it and fear the crash that would come if I didn't.  And I also don't see most of them as being high enough SR to be worthy of that level of captaining.  

Frankly, at this point in my life (56) I'm no longer willing to bust my hump for a relationship.  I'd truly love to be in one but I'm not willing to do all the heavy lifting any more.  That's really a throwback to my marriage wherein I did the heavy lifting and ended up getting steam-rolled anyway.

Is it a question of balance that I'm missing?  Do I need to go along at a solid (reliable) level but really just be aware of significant captaining opportunities and then nail them?

I started drafting this a couple of days ago and last night I had a date with one of the highest SR women.  I left the date feeling "meh" and didn't and won't pursue a second date. Sort of "you're not awesome enough to deserve my awesomeness".  Perhaps no woman is.  

Angeline

So often here people answer their own questions with their thread title.

Having success and THEN losing it seems way worse than just chugging along at a low level of "meh". No lows, but no highs either. It's all or nothing thinking, and it's also grabbing defeat out of the future and clinging tightly like to a teddy bear. You can't be surprised if you hold that bear out in front at all times!

So you might crash and burn again. You've proved you can survive it, you'll be smarter about your exposure, there won't be babies and pregnancy complicating things - so ... why not? What is so catastrophic about a relationship ending? If you had good fun and sex and laughs in the interim, it was worth it. 

Are you enjoying anything these days or has this jaded perspective colored everything?

I don't think you will look back at the end of your life and nod to yourself, "Yep, playing it safe was definitely the right call."

LadyOrTheTyger

Honestly if you're not sure you want a relationship but are sure you don't want to put work into a relationship, you don't have any business in a relationship. 

LadyOrTheTyger

Also IME it's easy to be pessimistic and skeptical about relationships when there's no specific person you want to be in a relationship with. Then you meet somebody who makes you re-think your idea that nobody is good enough for your awesomeness. If you leave a date feeling "meh," you don't need to pursue a relationship with that person. She's just not your catnip. When you meet someone that makes you want to try, you should go for it. Not before.  

never_again

@Angeline, it is a bit of down time right now.  My bike is still in the shop, no hunting right now, fishing hasn't picked up yet, plus I'm recovering from dental surgery so that's limiting things, too.  

However, my motto is "I did..." not "I should have..." so no fear of not getting out and enjoying life.  

@LadyOrTheTyger, I am sure I want a relationship but I want a partner who is going to put as much effort into it as I do.  To this point I haven't found that.  I do get what you say about re-thinking things with the right person but that's part of my fear in that those are the relationships where I get burned because historically I've given more than I've got.

LadyOrTheTyger

never_again said:

@LadyOrTheTyger, I am sure I want a relationship but I want a partner who is going to put as much effort into it as I do.  To this point I haven't found that.  I do get what you say about re-thinking things with the right person but that's part of my fear in that those are the relationships where I get burned because historically I've given more than I've got.

I've had the same issues in the past.  Unfortunately all you can do is wait for the right relationship and work on strengthening your boundaries.   Practicing on the wrong relationships won't help us when the right one comes along.  

forestleaf

What specifically qualifies as "putting in effort" on her part?  

never_again

@forestleaf, pretty straightforward, I think.  I'm self-sufficient so beyond simple things like respect, companionship and regular, enthusiastic sex all I'm looking for is someone who carries her weight.  Decent job, financially stable, good shape, if I cook she willingly cleans up the dishes and vice versa.  

I get that relationships require work.  They don't require drama.

Jek

Investment vs Return

We are all doing it.  Some are going 401k, others are playing the ponies.  

Some of us arent willing to invest at all.  

Jek

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