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Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
The Good:
1. I Shut down crabbiness on the phone Tuesday night while I was away on work travel. She was in a stressed/whiny mood about various minor things. Rather than accommodating the negativity, I told her that I had other things I needed to do that evening, and if she was going to be in that type of mood then I was going to hang up and continue on with my evening. Outcome: she quickly changed tone and we had a nice conversation.
2. Dealt with her being late to dinner last night, but course corrected and salvaged the evening. I planned a date night and made an 8pm reservation at a tapas-style restaurant I've wanted to try. This was planned well in advance on Monday and we both marked it in our calendars. I wanted there to be an element of surprise, so I told her the area of town and not the restaurant name. She had a work function at 5pm and was going to meet me after. At 6pm, I texted her with the restaurant name and told her I was on an earlier train and would be there at 745pm. 745pm, I arrive at the restaurant and am seated. It's 8pm and I still haven't heard from her since my last text at 6pm. I'm a little annoyed. At that point I decided that I was going to enjoy a nice dinner with our without her. I made friends with the manager, ordered a drink and some food as I was hungry, and texted her that I was 'seated and enjoying a nice dinner when she cared to join.' She calls, apologizes for being late and arrives 15 minutes later.
She apologized again, giving some excuse about not being able to find a good exit from the work function. I calmly expressed how I didn't appreciate her being late and more importantly not responding to my texts. She put on the poutty face and seemed annoyed that I wasn't more understanding. At that point I disregarded her mood, continued my nice dinner, and indicated I was ordering another round of small plates. I didn't bother to ask what she wanted, I just ordered (though I did order things I knew we both would enjoy). Her mood improved, she decided to "join" my dinner and we enjoyed the rest of the evening. Towards the end, she asked me why I wanted to marry her. I'm not really in the place to answer that question right now given the current state of affairs, so I playfully dodged the question. She told me she wanted to marry me because she loved me very much and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.
The Bad (Where I need advice): OK, fast forward to later in the night from the above dinner. This week she had bought sexy new clothes for her bachelorette party next month. Now, I'd prefer that the sexy clothes were bought solely for my enjoyment a long time ago, but it's an improvement over the current frump so I'm optimistic. She puts on one of her new dresses, a very revealing 'romper' and it looks amazing. I'm turned on and want to jump her. But also looks pretty slutty, definitely never seen her wear anything that revealing in 5 years.
Now here's where I'm legitimately torn. (A) I love that she's buying sexy clothes; but (B) I felt jealous/uncomfortable with her going out in another city wearing it without me there to enjoy it. I told her it looked really sexy, though didn't leave much to the imagination, and expressed a little concern about her wearing it out. And didn't get such a good reaction there. I tried to approach her to physically escalate, but she brushed me off and said she had to go brush her teeth or something.
She returned a few minutes later, back to the frumpy PJs. Crap.
** Note, this is a huge pet peeve. We'll be in the bedroom at bedtime, and I want to start cuddling, kissing, physically escalating, but she always HAS to go start her pre-bed bathroom routine. By the time she returns I've usually lost interest (and my erection).
Not throwing in the towel yet, I started making out with her in bed and attempted to escalate, but it wasn't happening. She said she "wanted to jump me at the restaurant," but felt too full/tired, etc. now. She just wanted to cuddle. She was bummed that I gave a mixed reaction to her dress and said she'd return it. I told her, honestly, that I thought it looked amazing but was jealous/uncomfortable with her wearing it out and about when I'm not there to enjoy its benefits.
I roll over, night ends with her cuddling me, telling me how much she loves me. No sex.
Thought I had solid momentum until the bedroom last night... really not sure how to handle this dress situation. As I said, LOVE how it looks on her and LOVE that she bought it... I just don't want her flaunting around in it in another city when I'm not around to enjoy its benefits.
Thoughts? Did I screw this one up?
I find myself a little awed by your reaction, as I'm not even allowed access to my phone while at work, much less be in a position to answer a string of texts.
I would also have a problem with being expected to be somewhere by a certain time without being told where I'm supposed to be at said time.
I would be angry at you for being upset I didn't show up at some restaurant I didn't even know I was expect to find until 2 hours prior, (and being told this while at WORK, no less) especially if I was coming from work a do where a random event could put me in a position of not being able to escape a conversation or situation with my boss or coworkers.
From my POV, it sounds like part of the issue here is that you didn't show much respect for her job and she responded by being passive-aggressive and showing up late with what you consider a lame excuse, but may have been legitimate. Unless you plan to support her financially for the rest of her life and you plan to start right now, the girl needs to keep her job.
@little_bee, might be a misunderstanding so I'm going to provide some additional detail to clarify...
The work function was an informal happy hour with people she used to work with, not a work-sponsored function/conference/etc. I totally get where you're coming from RE phone access, but this definitely wasn't one of those situations. We both are in the same line of work and are respectful of when either her or I can't return calls/texts due to work commitments. This was not one of those situations.
Next, we also talked about the evening two days prior, and I asked her before making the reservation if dinner was feasible given her work commitment that evening. She said that an 8pm dinner was totally fine and was excited by the plan..
Honestly if she had texted and just said, "Hey I'm catching up with Jane Doe and am running 15 minutes late," I would've been totally fine. Was just more put off by the lack of response...
Once again, I understand where you're coming from, but to clarify, this was planned well in advance. We both knew of the 8pm reservation on Monday, and I told her the part of town within a few city blocks to make sure it would work with her prior commitment. I even made sure to choose a place that was close to where her work happy hour was...
We've both planned surprise' dinners like this for each other before, and they've always been a fun date night.
I still see a pattern of passive-aggressive behavior on her part though. This stands out for me because PA behavior is usually used by people who are unhappy but also either unwilling or genuinely unsafe at being open about their unhappiness. Her behavior suggests to me that you might not be the only person that's feeling disconnected and unattracted right now.
How many nights do you spend with her a week as quality time? What is she doing while you're away?
My H traveled for his job, and it is easy to let yourself go when you're going home to an empty house. Then you find ways to get most of your dopamine without your man, and the downward spiral starts.
@little_bee, might be a misunderstanding so I'm going to provide some additional detail to clarify...
The work function was an informal happy hour with people she used to work with, not a work-sponsored function/conference/etc. I totally get where you're coming from RE phone access, but this definitely wasn't one of those situations. We both are in the same line of work and are respectful of when either her or I can't return calls/texts due to work commitments. This was not one of those situations.
Next, we also talked about the evening two days prior, and I asked her before making the reservation if dinner was feasible given her work commitment that evening. She said that an 8pm dinner was totally fine and was excited by the plan..
Honestly if she had texted and just said, "Hey I'm catching up with Jane Doe and am running 15 minutes late," I would've been totally fine. Was just more put off by the lack of response...
Once again, I understand where you're coming from, but to clarify, this was planned well in advance. We both knew of the 8pm reservation on Monday, and I told her the part of town within a few city blocks to make sure it would work with her prior commitment. I even made sure to choose a place that was close to where her work happy hour was...
We've both planned surprise' dinners like this for each other before, and they've always been a fun date night.
@little_bee, might be a misunderstanding so I'm going to provide some additional detail to clarify...
The work function was an informal happy hour with people she used to work with, not a work-sponsored function/conference/etc. I totally get where you're coming from RE phone access, but this definitely wasn't one of those situations. We both are in the same line of work and are respectful of when either her or I can't return calls/texts due to work commitments. This was not one of those situations.
Next, we also talked about the evening two days prior, and I asked her before making the reservation if dinner was feasible given her work commitment that evening. She said that an 8pm dinner was totally fine and was excited by the plan..
Honestly if she had texted and just said, "Hey I'm catching up with Jane Doe and am running 15 minutes late," I would've been totally fine. Was just more put off by the lack of response...
Once again, I understand where you're coming from, but to clarify, this was planned well in advance. We both knew of the 8pm reservation on Monday, and I told her the part of town within a few city blocks to make sure it would work with her prior commitment. I even made sure to choose a place that was close to where her work happy hour was...
We've both planned surprise' dinners like this for each other before, and they've always been a fun date night.
Yeah, looking back at it you're right... man I really effed that one up. Ugh. Should've just shut my mouth, picked her up and thrown her onto the bed. Lesson learned. 2 steps forward, 1 step back...
She doesn't travel. I'm only gone 2 nights now which has been much easier on us. We make a point to have a phone date every night when I'm gone, but it's no substitute for physical contact. When I'm gone she goes to the gym and watches her TV shows (the stuff I don't enjoy watching). She does happy hour with friends sometimes, but not every week. When I'm back we normally get 2 quality nights per week together where it's the 2 of us.
The travel project wasn't a unilateral decision. We talked about it as a team and she supported me in taking this assignment. It was the right career move to make, has fast-tracked me for an early promotion, and has also enabled me to break into a specific account/industry that aligns with my long-term career goals. Unfortunately it's probably not helping our relationship sanity...
Then shit really hit the fan this past weekend when she left town for her bachelorette party. Some context: despite being nicer to me lately, she has still been a tightly-wound ball of stress and anxiety for the last few months. First it's work, then it's wedding planning, then something else.
Friday night/Saturday morning around 3am she calls me and is bawling uncontrollably on the phone. I can't understand a word she's saying. Given the time of night and how she sounded, my mind immediately jumps into panic mode... did she cheat on me? Did one of the girls get arrested, get hospitalized with alcohol poisoning, etc.? Did someone get assaulted? After she calms down, she assures me that nothing happened, but that she is really stressed and having an anxiety attack about the bachelorette party and worrying that people are having a terrible time. I'm naturally skeptical as the level of emotional distress doesn't match the story, but what can I do at this point? She's a 3 hour flight away in another city.
Now, the relaxing weekend I had planned with my friends was screwed up because I'm worried about her. Either (A) she's having severe anxiety attacks, or (B) something went down and she's not telling me. Either option is unsettling. I try to keep busy and hang out with my friends, figuring I'd deal with the impending shit storm and get the full story when she got home Sunday. She did call again on Saturday in need of a pep talk RE her anxiety, but otherwise seemed fine. When she does get home, she's frustrated because she felt like she ruined the weekend for her friends. Her friends are pissed at her. Her sister is upset. I pressed her about what happened Friday night. Look, I wasn't there, it was in another city, and there's no way for me to verify what happened, so I believe her story. She has had anxiety attacks before and took meds for them a few years back, so this isn't completely out of the blue.
Now that I come to the conclusion that this is all an overblown panic attack, I'm livid because of the impact it had on me. I told her the effect that her 3am phone call had on me, how it caused me to feel uneasy all weekend, and asked her to put herself in my shoes and imagine how she would feel had she received the same call from me during my bachelor party. She got very upset and apologized profusely, "I hate that I hurt you/made you worry, etc." Later that night, she gets upset again about what happened over the weekend. At that point I totally lost it had to leave the room to have some space. At that point I realized that she has become a perpetual emotional drain on me for the last several months. Even with her snippy attitude improved, her perpetual anxiety and negative attitude is sucking the life from me.
After composing my thoughts, I told her that evening how unhappy I was and that the current situation was not sustainable. I told her that calling off the wedding was a very real possibility as I can't continue like this. I told her I can't be her emotional support anymore and it's making me not attracted to her anymore. I told her she needs to find other outlets for her stress, see a therapist and get counseling for her anxiety. She has not taken this well, and if anything is only more anxious. She keeps wanting reassurance from me that we're not going to call of the wedding. I came pretty close yesterday to calling her parents to inform them of the situation and ask for their help, but decided to hold off for the time being.
Interestingly enough, I wound up having lunch on Monday with one our mutual friends who is also one of her bridesmaids. She told me that she feels the way I do right now and worries that their friendship is in jeopardy. I didn't prod for too many details about the trip, but she basically confirmed that my fiancee had an anxiety attack Friday night.
So, this sucks. In terms of the MAP advice for dealing with 'energy vampires', this all moved pretty quickly. I figure all I can do at this point is to pull myself away, get some space, and hope that she chooses the path of improving herself. I really don't want to call off the wedding, but I also can't keep living like this either.
Thoughts/advice? Am I completely crazy here?
You say she is negative in talking about her work. Do you Boo the Villains and Cheer the Heroes?
When she called you in the panic attack during her bachelorette party, you weren't able to determine the cause. You let her mood affect you, but you didn't take action to call her sister or friends to make sure everything is okay. You could have saved your own evening with a simple phone call.
No matter what triggered the panic attack, it felt real to her. When she came back, you bitched to her that she ruined your weekend when she reached out to you when she really needed help. This is not Captaining. Even now, you still don't know what happened. It sounds oddly hands off.
I would find it crushing if my partner told me this.
She obviously needs help. Maybe you could have helped her earlier if you had encouraged her to step back where she was over stressed.
My advice: Call off the wedding now. In the immediate sense, she won't have to worry about you calling off the wedding!
Be careful with your exact requirements to move forward to marriage. Say you tell her that you can get married if she goes to go to counseling and up her girl game. But what if she is still a vampire?
If I was out of town when I reached out for support, and when I got home was slammed for making *him* upset, the relationship would be over. No second chances.
The Captain supports his crew, and when they have a crisis, helps them get through it. He doesn't get to dictate what type of crisis his crew has, or what they are allowed to bother him with. He deals with it and supports his partner until she's able to function well again.
If you can't handle giving that level of support, or if you feel she needs support more often than you can provide, you need to end the relationship.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
Why would she commit her life to someone who has stated directly that they will not support her emotionally? How comfortable is she going to be having sex with that person?
Life (and marriage) is full of ups and downs. You just told her she'll be on her own for the downs. Some day, she may get sick. Some day, she may be an emotional wreck after childbirth. Some day, you may get sick. You just set the standard in this relationship that you won't be taking care of each other when needed.
Maybe I'm being extreme, but I think you should call off the wedding and end the relationship completely. I'm not convinced there's enough feeling left on your end to sustain a happy marriage. You're both still young. There are no kids. I think you're staying because you have invested so much time in the relationship already (and because you know the break up will be unpleasant). None of that is a good enough reason to lock 2 people into a lifetime together. An unhappy marriage is so much worse than a broken engagement.
Fitocracy: atxchick
Enneagram 6w5, married to a 5
You have to accept emotionally that she is leaning on you. You don't have to be controlled by your spouse's emotions but you should acknowledge their having them.
Empathy is literally the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. I wouldn't doubt the reason she is really having anxiety attacks is because of the lack of empathy.
If my wife was having an anxiety attack I wouldn't be going off on her if she called me while having it. You have fucked up here.
If you don't trust her and you don't feel emotionally connected to where you have empathy. Call off the wedding.
But, if you find yourself unable to be there for her on an emotional level in any capacity, then that's a serious problem.
I know what happened over the weekend... she got really worked up and anxious about the trip, got snippy at her friends, made them upset then felt terribly guilty about it and called me crying. In hindsight, I probably should have called one of her friends to double check that she was OK, mistake on my part there.
When she returned home, I spent the whole afternoon/evening with her, took her out for a walk and dinner and was very loving and supportive. She was thankful for this and thanked me for cheering her up.
I didn't get angry and blow up at her, I calmly, while holding her hands and maintaining a very sincere tone, explained the impact the 3am phone call had on me. She was understanding of that. I just became emotionally exhausted when she got upset again later in the evening, and I felt that I had poured all of my energy into trying to get her to a better place. None of this was anger or resentment, just sadness. I was emotionally drained. It was at this point when I had the conversation with her about this not being sustainable.
This is exactly how I feel. I've definitely been the former throughout our relationship, but the last few months I've felt like a crutch. It's become emotionally draining. I've definitely done the "boo the villains/cheer the heroes" for her work issues... she has thanked me and said I've been a great support and provided great advice. it's just that it's become groundhog day every single day with the same complaints and story.
I want to be there for her, I really do. I can support her, I just can't be the sole source of support anymore and need her to get help.
Your latest post softens things a bit, so thanks for the clarification.
That said, I agree with @generalzod and I think you should really consider if this is someone you want to commit to for life.
Obviously, I've never met you or your fiance. But I still believe you should end the relationship. It just reads like the relationship has run it's course, but both of you want to spare yourselves the heartache of breaking up so you're both pushing through with the wedding anyway. I recognize the dynamic from my own experience. Deep deep down, in your most honest moment, I think you know this isn't right.
Canceling a wedding sucks. There's no way around that. But it's nothing compared to the slow soul-draining experience of a bad marriage. You both deserve better.
Fitocracy: atxchick
Enneagram 6w5, married to a 5