My man feels bad and I want us to get past this

WendyG

I am engaged to the most wonderful man I have ever met. We just get along and click on pretty well everything (almost everything...).  He's not as "experienced" as I am. When the talk about our pasts came up, I told him about my significant past boyfriends and did not talk about the "insignificant ones."   I guess I did this to spare his feelings. I didn't want him feel hurt or funny or awkward.

This past weekend we were at a big social gathering and I don't want to say any more than that (I'm terrified that somebody might recognize me here!!)  Anyway, during the festivities I found myself alone (my fiance had gone to refill our drinks I think) and some guy came over.  It was a guy I saw for a short time just before I started dating my now fiance.  Anyway, he was drunk twice over and obnoxious and started to hit on me. I told him categorically that I was there with my fiance and that he should back off and leave. He didn't and by that time My Man had come back. The obnoxious guy sort of introduced himself and just rambled.  He said that he knew me from a while ago and that we saw each other for a while (it wasn't a "while" - it was like maybe six weeks).  He then dropped a bombshell and said that I was a firecracker and how we had backdoor on our first weekend. I just couldn't believe it he'd say something like that! My fiance told him show some respect and f off!  He pushed him aside and we then left.

The drive back was silent. At home, he asked me if what the douche said was true. I sort of stuttered and mumbled and said that guy was a big mistake and that we should focus on our lives together and forget about that guy. He didn't bring it up again until last night when he did. He feels like I "went crazy" with that guy. He also wanted to know why I'd do the stuff I did with that guy when he's asked for the same (he has - but never pushed it) but I said no. And he's now also focusing on how "quick" I was with the douche but when it came to us we waited (a bit over three months).  Anyway, I didn't really answer - I just listened hoping that once he's done saying what's on his mind we can just move on.

Today I've been thinking and I don't want to leave things to chance. What do you all suggest or recommend is the best way for me to approach this "situation" that has now been created and what and how should I answer if he insists on answers?

Thank you all very very very much.

PS: the welcome notification that I got said to tag Jen Kay and to ask her to please put this in the 911 Relationship area area. Thanks

dalef

I don't think this is actually 911 material, but if you want to tag Jen Kay put @Jen_Kay in your message. This is a classic problem in relationships (lover vs. boyfriend), he now feels that you found the other guy sexier than him, which is why you waited with him (I suspect the real reason was that you saw him as a boyfriend from the start, so gave him the boyfriend treatment, while the douchbag was just a short fling, but I'm not sure how you tell him that.

JellyBean

How old are you both?

Angeline

Jen's a little busy right now.
@Serenity, moved to 911.

Welcome. When you have time, please answer the triage questions linked in my signature so we have a little more background.

As a general rule, guys really don't like it when you did wilder things at a quicker pace with previous guys than with them. No matter what kind of rationalizing that he was "worth more", it's going to be a real hit to his ego. Generally, this kind of conflict happens because you think new guy is the "smart" choice, but he just isn't hot enough to you to make you make the same choices you did with previous guys. Unless you were impaired back when you were with the other guys (drugs, alcohol), you just made choices based in raw sexual attraction. He knows this instinctively, and there's not really a good way to paper over it.

The one way to fix this is to over time, make him forget all about the past because of the wonderful, fun sex you're both enjoying now. If that makes you twitch, then we'll figure that out.

Triage please, when you have time. Just answer the questions right here, until you run out of room, and start a new comment with the next questions. You can write them out in Notepad and copy them here.

LadyOrTheTyger

Exactly what @Angeline said.  
Yeah I can really think of 3 reasons you had anal sex quickly with Douche Guy but made Fiancee wait for intercourse.  1) You were intoxicated or impaired, 2) Fiancee has a penis the size of a baby arm and you were intimidated, or 3) You were more physically attracted to Douche Guy.  

What's the answer?  

dalef

WendyG said:

The drive back was silent. At home, he asked me if what the douche said was true. I sort of stuttered and mumbled and said that guy was a big mistake and that we should focus on our lives together and forget about that guy. He didn't bring it up again until last night when he did. He feels like I "went crazy" with that guy. He also wanted to know why I'd do the stuff I did with that guy when he's asked for the same (he has - but never pushed it) but I said no. And he's now also focusing on how "quick" I was with the douche but when it came to us we waited (a bit over three months).  Anyway, I didn't really answer - I just listened hoping that once he's done saying what's on his mind we can just move on.

You would do things with douchebag the first weekend that you won't do with him even now, ouch.

If your BF had insisted on it the first weekend you knew him, would you have done it with him? If so, your BF needs to be taught how to be dominant (MMSLP is a good source). If you would have rejected your BF if he had insisted, than the problem that you aren't really attracted to your BF.

LadyOrTheTyger

By the way I don't think we owe our partners an exhaustive sexual biography or list of previous sexual experiences.  They're going to get an idea; they don't need specifics.  In a way it's unfortunate that your fiancee found this out.  I think many of us have experiences in our pasts that we wouldn't want our spouses/partners knowing.  But you do owe it to yourself and your future marriage to figure out why this happened.  

Angeline

dalef said:

If your BF had insisted on it the first weekend you knew him, would you have done it with him? If so, your BF needs to be taght how to be dominant (MMSLP is a good source). If you would have rejected your BF if he had insisted, than the problem that you aren't really attracted to your BF.

"Insisted" isn't really a good choice of words here. What you learn at MMSL is not how to dominantly insist on sexual acts over the wishes of your partner. What you can learn is how to become a high value person that draws others in and inspires them to want to follow your strong lead. 

_io

I'm sure you would like your fiance to just move on and forget this guy, but that's just not going to happen.  Also, your fiance is no doubt wondering what and who else you didn't disclose to him.  He's eventually going to ask.  You are probably going to have to tell the truth unless you guys move away, because you're likely to run into "insignificant" guys again.  Or one of your girlfriends is going to either accidentally or maliciously spill the beans.

What is your Significant:Insignificant ratio?  How likely is he to stumble onto this information?  Are you of an age that social media is going to trip you up?  

Also, be honest with yourself at least.  You didn't hide the hookups to spare his feelings. 

Eightbit

Pirouette and I discussed our sexual histories extensively early in our relationship.  This is because I pushed for it.  We were in a similar situation in that she was way more experienced than me...not to your level, but my n was two and hers was far more.  I can really identify where your fiancee is coming from and why he's hurt.

The feelings are difficult to deal with.  There's inadequacy, obviously, but also he's now realizing that you were substantially more physically attracted to douche.  He's probably questioning whether or not the two of you should stay together, his manhood and a host of other things.  In addition, back then I viewed sex as intertwined with love.  I couldn't understand how she could have sex with a bunch of people for fun that she did not love.  Moreover I couldn't understand why she wouldn't want to leave me at some point for someone more sexually stimulating for her.

I got over it early because we were having lots of good sex.  As the sex dried up and we went through our once a month years those feelings would haunt me.  This is not her fault, it was my own issue.  

Since I started running Athols program and our overall relationship and especially our sexual relationship both improved dramatically, I've come to terms with those feelings and realized how stupid they were.  However the main thing that helped get me over it once and for all was knowing that my wife is having kinkier and crazier sex and enjoying it more with me than with anyone else.

My advice would be if you really love him and are strongly physically attracted to him why not make some crazy kinky memories of your own?  Of course now he's going to want anal I'm sure, but if you just can't do it, there's plenty of other stuff you could do.  There's no better way for him to get over this than to know you're willing to be equally sexual with him.  If you are not attracted enough to him to pull this off and enjoy it, you need to seriously reassess your relationship.  I second the need for a triage.

Athol_Kay

Bumped to Silver so she can comment in her 911 thread.

Let me see if I understand correctly...

Douchebag-immediately-before-fiancé got anal on the first weekend. Fiancé had to wait three months for sex?

Why did you decide to approach sex so differently with these two men?

Husband3point0

Athol_Kay said:
Douchebag-immediately-before-fiancé got anal on the first weekend. Fiancé had to wait three months for sex?

My reading isn't 'immediately before' but rather 'sometime before, amongst an unspecified group of others, both long and short term'. 

But, she can feel free to correct. 

Reborn

WendyG said:

... The obnoxious guy sort of introduced himself and just rambled.  He said that he knew me from a while ago and that we saw each other for a while (it wasn't a "while" - it was like maybe six weeks).  He then dropped a bombshell and said that I was a firecracker and how we had backdoor on our first weekend. I just couldn't believe it he'd say something like that! 

You understand that obnoxious ex said this with your fiance there, precisely with the intention of causing this rift between you. 

Both men and women like to think that their partner finds them so attractive that they lose their self-control. 

There is no easy way out of this one. 

fordsvt

Put him at ease.  That guy is a clown.  You're with him now so ramp it up. 
Sexy bedtime attire and stiletto heels then rock his world.  Show him he's the one period. 
The past is history so leave it there.  Can't go backwards on upward and onwards 

dalef

Angeline said:

dalef said:

If your BF had insisted on it the first weekend you knew him, would you have done it with him? If so, your BF needs to be taght how to be dominant (MMSLP is a good source). If you would have rejected your BF if he had insisted, than the problem that you aren't really attracted to your BF.

"Insisted" isn't really a good choice of words here. What you learn at MMSL is not how to dominantly insist on sexual acts over the wishes of your partner. What you can learn is how to become a high value person that draws others in and inspires them to want to follow your strong lead. 

Good description, Angeline. I was feeding back on her statement that she would have had anal with her current BF if he had insisted.

WendyG

JellyBean said:

How old are you both?

He is early 30s. I'm late 20s

WendyG

Angeline said:

As a general rule, guys really don't like it when you did wilder things at a quicker pace with previous guys than with them. No matter what kind of rationalizing that he was "worth more", it's going to be a real hit to his ego. Generally, this kind of conflict happens because you think new guy is the "smart" choice, but he just isn't hot enough to you to make you make the same choices you did with previous guys. Unless you were impaired back when you were with the other guys (drugs, alcohol), you just made choices based in raw sexual attraction. He knows this instinctively, and there's not really a good way to paper over it.

I know, I know. He for sure has a bruised ego and yes, I can see how your "wilder things and quicker" comment makes sense. But it's not so much that I was rationalizing anything. I just figured out really quickly that I (finally) found an all around good guy.  I've had no problems getting dates in my life but they mostly did not go anywhere and that sucked. I wanted this one to mean something so I went slow. I've read on dating advice sites that going slow means a better chance of evolving to a long term relationship. And in my situation it actually worked! If the jerk just hadn't been there at the party mouthing off, all these issues that my fiance now has just wouldn't have happened.  Another thing is that since I realized that my guy doesn't have a whole lot of experience I downplayed mine.

WendyG

dalef said:

If your BF had insisted on it the first weekend you knew him, would you have done it with him? 

I guess probably not cause I wouldn't have wanted him to think I was "that kind of girl" - if that makes sense.

WendyG

_io said:

  Also, your fiance is no doubt wondering what and who else you didn't disclose to him.  He's eventually going to ask.  

Sucks but that is spot on. He's already wanting to have a conversation on all this.


What is your Significant:Insignificant ratio?  How likely is he to stumble onto this information?  

Not to get too specific here, but I've only had a couple of real relationships. As far as "insignificants," there have been maybe a bit more than a few. ...

WendyG

Eightbit said:

  There's inadequacy, obviously, but also he's now realizing that you were substantially more physically attracted to douche.  

He hasn't said that. What he has said or rather questioned is how I could have sex with an asshole like that.

WendyG

Eightbit said:

 Of course now he's going to want anal I'm sure, 

He wanted to do it even before all this happened.