My man feels bad and I want us to get past this

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Comments

  • fordsvtfordsvt Canada Eh!Silver Member Posts: 2,300
    I think knowing what I know now. I'd call off the marriage and rethink this out. Obviously this young lady could have played the field abit while single.  Going home with or dating assholes like that says a lot to me. That guy has zero class coming up to u and talking about the past sex or relationship.  But you also handled it poorly as well and went into a shell.  
    You didn't Rep your Fiancé or tell this clown to fuck off.  So know he's having doubts and I would too. But being who I am I would have punched the drunk assholes lights out. 

    Into Phase 3..

    Those Who Dare......Win.   "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."

    Persephonewishful_thinkingMiddleMan
  • PersephonePersephone Northeast USSilver Member Posts: 565
    WendyG said:
     

    The drive back was silent. At home, he asked me if what the douche said was true. I sort of stuttered and mumbled and said that guy was a big mistake and that we should focus on our lives together and forget about that guy. He didn't bring it up again until last night when he did. He feels like I "went crazy" with that guy. He also wanted to know why I'd do the stuff I did with that guy when he's asked for the same (he has - but never pushed it) but I said no. And he's now also focusing on how "quick" I was with the douche but when it came to us we waited (a bit over three months). 

     
    Where did she lie, by omission or otherwise? As reported, she said no to anal sex with him. She didn't say she'd never had anal sex at all.

     
  • SerenitySerenity Senior Moderator** Posts: 11,358
    He's not as "experienced" as I am. When the talk about our pasts came up, I told him about my significant past boyfriends and did not talk about the "insignificant ones."   I guess I did this to spare his feelings. I didn't want him feel hurt or funny or awkward.
    Where did she lie, by omission or otherwise? As reported, she said no to anal sex with him. She didn't say she'd never had anal sex at all.
    ScarletRedPillRonMiddleManTPoke
  • dalefdalef Silver Member Posts: 1,963
    The elephant in the room is that she still isn't willing to do anal and such with her fiancé, even though the cat is out of the bag. This implies a serious lack of attraction. She could use this as a fair warning and have him work on his attraction (at the risk of losing him, which she may do anyway) or try to sneak through a marriage (and probably a divorce). (I don't see a problem with her not telling him, my W hasn't told me much of anything about her past, except the definite knowledge that it is the past).
  • ShepardShepard Gold Men Posts: 563
    Ouch. I can imagine how I'd feel in this situation.

    - I would wonder from that point on why she was in bed with me? Because she felt like she had to? I always wanted someone that actually desires me.

    - Given the above, it would be apparent that she settled for me. I would always be wondering if I she would be always be looking for someone better since I wasn't exactly what she wanted.

    - If she tried to make it up to me by suddenly promising to do all the things I had wanted sexually, I would lose all respect for her because it would feel like she was trying to manipulate me with sex.

    - And yeah, I doubt there would be a wedding anytime soon.

    A tough position to be in. I wonder if he will try to contact the same guy again or other people from your past to try and find out just how far this goes.
    Have you ever sailed across an ocean Donald? On a sail boat surrounded by sea with no land in sight. Without even the possibility of sighting land for days to come. To stand at the helm of your destiny. I want that, one more time.
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  • CaptVereCaptVere Silver Member Posts: 1,592
    He just had a bad frame from the beginning right?  He accepted a no sex months long courting period and then probably an unenthusiastic sex life since then by the sounds of it.  The advice here that he doesn't have game is probably the most correct.  It's coupled with her wanting a 'nice guy' to 'settle down with' after probably reading some bad advice elsewhere about what long term men want.

    Oh she got her long term man alright, but predictably he has no game and was happy to be a perfect gentlemen until he found out that it was only he who got this treatment.  It's not even about the type of sex, but just the fact that he has been given a set of rules and has been sucking it up, probably getting less than half the sex life he really wants.  If she said no to one type of sexual activity, he'd be fine with that probably if he felt real desire from her, but he doesn't.  His gut has been telling him that she isn't really into him and now he has confirmation.

    An inexperienced man like this has a huge bag of insecurity that he carries and this event has just reassured every single one of them.  He's worthless, not attractive, not worthy of real desire, this is the best he ever gets, etc...  He's thinking all of that.

    He needs a MAP.  He needs to become the best man he can be and not accept this type of dynamic if it makes him miserable.  I'm not sure if he can salvage this because of the way it started and the dynamic created since then.  Can you create attraction when none was really there to begin with?  Don't we usually say no in those cases?

    I'd be worried OP.  You have your nice guy and I'm sure he'd be super committed to you and marry you and have kids with you and accept whatever sex life you could stomach with him, but are you really going to be happy with that in the end?  Wouldn't you rather have all that AND a guy who you wanted to have enthusiastic sex with and often?  Not one where you have to logic your way into whatever is needed to maintain the relationship?  I think you feel this dynamic of you having the power and him going along and I don't think you find it attractive at all.  You're trying to will yourself into the sensible choice.   If you really want a long term thing with this guy, give him the books and tell him what you really need to be attracted to a guy.  It could end the relationship as others have said, but it would end anyway in the long run.  I think a part of you knows this.  Better to risk it now, then risk a decade of turmoil.


    MiddleManSignorePillolaRossa
  • Changed_ManChanged_Man ChicagolandSilver Member Posts: 1,965
    @RedPillRon, which forum-isms are you referring to?

    When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of. You might bend til you break, cause it's all you can take. On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off... And you stand!

    "Stand" by Rascal Flatts


  • Husband3point0Husband3point0 Gold Men Posts: 3,294
    Athol_Kay said:She's been a forum member since October 2015, so I'm sure she's been struggling with the relationship for a while.
    Of course, maybe she was prophetically insightful and had some inkling that her topic was likely to get carpet-bombed like some sort of forum-based D-day invasion. 

    I just hope she comes back at this point...
    RedPillRonBlueWolfMiddleMan
  • Athol_KayAthol_Kay My Underground LairPosts: 8,046
     Iam44  you fucking pansy..grow a set ,

    Unacceptable. Knock it off.


    I've tried to keep this thread on track several times now, the OP appears to be gone.

    Thread closed.

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