Irishtuna's Triage

Irishtuna

1.      THE BASICS

I’m 37 5’9” 230 lbs and very muscular, I used to be a bodybuilder when I was younger.  Now due to work and kids and family I lean towards powerlifting.  I don’t have a six pack but I also do not have a belly.  She is 34, 5’2” (I think) and about 130 lbs.  She enjoys running and has always been a sexy Latina to me.  I’d say we are both about the same SR, 8.  But I also have a hard time quantifying it in numbers.

 

We have 2 children together and I have 1 from a previous relationship.  This is a big issue for her.  He is an awesome kid and loving, but she gets so angry anytime he is over.  Just shuts down on me.  She wont take it out on him, because I would not tolerate it.  So instead she takes it out on me.  One time when I got back from a trip, I had him that weekend.  I happened to see a text on her phone while I was changing music where she was telling her sister just was in a bad mood because he was there.

 

I am normally a good mix of Alpha and Beta.  I do wood working, fix all the cars, have a physical job.  Am a leader in both my civilian and military jobs.

 

I also, cook and play with the kids, make her a origami flower from time to time.  Clean the house and do laundry so she doesn’t have to worry about it after getting back from school at 7pm.

 

2.      RULE OUT MEDICAL

I have no medical issues.  I basically have a hard-on 24/7 and if it ever does go down, all I have to do rub against her and it is back with a vengeance.  She recently had a kidney removed and has skin issues that cause her to get infections from time to time.  She has been taking spironolactone, which reduces testosterone levels and helps control the skin issues.

Our sex life has never been the sole source of my issues between us.  It has it’s ups and downs, and I understand that

 

3.      RULE OUT STRUCTURAL ATTRACTION ISSUES

I travel A LOT for my civilian job and I am in the military (Guard).  So my total travel time is at least 65% of the year or more depending on what is going on that year.  I do make very good money. And she and our family have never had to worry about anything.  She works in the medical field part time and is also in school for her masters.  She is also in the military (Guard) but rarely travels for it, maybe once a year.

 

4.      RULE OUT CRITICAL MOMENTS AND NEGLECT

The issues I have had in the past.  I was poor at handling my own negative emotions.  If I got angry then I got ANGRY.  VERY ANGRY.  This obviously made her less likely to respond or open up.  For about the past 3-4 years that is not an issue.  I’m not quite the frame master but appropriately angry when it is needed.  0ver the past year I have come along way towards maintain my own frame and this actually made it worse for her.  Now she doesn’t get reactions and actively tries.

 

This part isn’t second to minimize it but only because it flowed from my head in this order.  I posted an ad on craigslist, personals.  Nothing ever happened but she saw the ad on my phone.  She was hurt and upset as she should be.  I did it to meet an emotional need I wasn’t getting and I do realize it was wrong.  My own hamster was telling me that I should do it since she didn’t want to meet my needs.  I have apologized and opened every bit of my life up to her at anytime, although she never asks and would use that as a weapon.  HER:  “Well how do I know you are posting again?”  ME: “Here is my phone and laptop, feel free to look at them or do anything you need to”  HER:  “Well that doesn’t mean anything.”

 

I have apologized to her in counseling for it answered any questions the counselor has, she has.  She has verbalized “I forgive you”  but I don’t think she really does.  I think she wants be to be constantly shamed by it and I wont be.  I WAS when I did it.  I felt horrible.  I knew I let her down, but I also let down myself by not meeting my own morals and standards.  But I’m done with it.  It’s not a weapon to wield when you want to get power over on someone.

 

As far as neglect for her.  The only consistent emotion I get is anger, contempt.  I get some rare occasions of happiness but rare.  I could be gone for two weeks and text her in the morning and go 8 hours before hearing anything.  Or text her a question trying to build back emotional intimacy and the next thing I get 3 hours later is “HI”

 

I feel unwanted and unloved, not missed, not a priority.  She would come home from school and go straight to home work.  I might say Hi and try to hug her only to hear how she was homework to do and has no time yet.  ??????????/a 30 second show of affection makes your homework late?  I receive no appreciation for anything since she has to do it all the time while I’m gone.  I have voiced my feelings to her in the past and they are minimalized or deflected.  HER:  “What have you don to show me you love me”  To which I usually just shake my head and walk away feeling a little bit smaller and more unloved ever time.  She would say she is to busy to text, so I would look up the phone bill to find that she texted her Mom, brother and sister about 30 times each.  “Oh, you are so busy that you couldn’t text me but had long conversations with your family.  Then out comes her Hamster blaming me.

 

I got us both a copy of his needs, her needs.  Building an affair proof marriage.  After we finished reading it she pretty much went off asking why I got this book, am I wanting to have an affair.

 

We have been to two marriage counselors and they both recognized, even allowing for me betraying her, that she puts no effort into meeting my needs.  And then she doesn’t like the counselor anymore.

 

 

Irishtuna

5.      RULE OUT OUTSIDE SEXUAL SOURCES

I can’t rule out her sources.  She doesn’t like porn.  She very well has the opportunity to do something while I am away, although the logistics with both our families helping on school nights would make it difficult for her to do something blatant like staying the night somewhere or late after school.

 

After the isolated craigslist incident I have never done that again.  I used to use porn as an outlet and have cut that out for the past year.  I just work, do my hobbies and at the house.  Im sure in her mind I’m out banging everything while I’m on the road even though I might be talking to her in my room.

 

 

6.      WHEN DID THE SEX GO BAD

Sex is actually still fairly frequent, when I’m home 3-4 times a week if we don’t argue.  It could be better but that will happen IF we stay together.  She could be more open.  I don’t usually ask her if she likes a specific act but more in the line of “Did you like it when I sucked your clit or licked it?”  she normally just says I don’t know or deflects.

 

 

7.      WHAT WAS THE SEX LIKE AT THE START OF THE RELATIONSHIP

Usually every day, but there wasn’t a lot of variety or kink,  She has only been with 3 men, including me.  I had my share but it wasn’t kinky with them.

 

8.      WHAT’S THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

I feel like my attempted EA/PA is still there in her mind, but she wont open up and communicate.  I still feel alone.  She has stated that she doesn’t need me.  That was the most hurt I’ve ever felt.

 

9.      WHO’s THE LEADER IN YOUR MARAGE

Even through the arguments I still lead the marriage.  I haven’t always provided clear direction.  IE I led by the situation and didn’t provide a roadmap.  That has changed about 1.5-2 years ago.

 

10.   TELL US ABOUT THE GOOD TIMES

Right now my brain hurts, and I’m in a bad place.  I know there were good times but all I see is my pain.  I’ll say reserved for later.

 

SIDE NOTES:  I have read MMSL, NMMNG, Superior Man, His Needs, Her Needs and a few others. 

Irishtuna

So I just got back from a trip tonight.  All during the trip we had fairly limited texting.  I would send her a verse every morning and she might say morning.  Enter extended no communication period.

I ramped up alittle bit yesterday.

Me: Text me after you get out of class.

Her:  Everything OK?

I purposefully didn't text back

Her:  I'm out, whats up.

Me: What color are your panties?

Her: Nude

Again I waited for a bit

Her:  Was that all?

Me:  Yup, just giving you an excuse to say Nude.  You're welcome sugartits

Her:  Thanks.

We had a few other things to say but nothing major.  I got back in today, finished work.  picked up stuff for dinner, got the kids, did my laundry and folded stuff in the dryer so she wouldn't have to worry about it.  started cooking and getting my daughter involved.

Wife came home, gave me a cursory hug.  I told her to change into something specific and she did eventually.  We talked a bit then I kept cooking and playing music.  I apparently played a song that she doesn't like and she shutdown.  She just hung out with the daughter on the couch.  I tied to dance with her and she just froze like I was a stranger.  I joked it off a bit and kept cooking, but I was done emotionally.  She got a sip of wine and I said that she is spending more time with her daughter then her husband that just got back.  She didn't say anything.

I barely ate.  eventually I just put my plate up.  little stuff her, little stuff there.  I went to bed and she stayed in the livingroom folding yet more clothes.  I came back out and told her I was getting in bed and asked if she was going to spend anytime with me since its late.  She mocked me a bit saying how it was only 9pm.  I just walked off  got in bed and tried to relax my mind.  She came in about 20 minutes later, set her alarm and laid down on the furthers side away from me, like making a point.  I couldn't control my own hamster, I got up got my bag and started getting ready to leave.  She asked what was up.  I told her that I've been gone, the day I get home I cook, did the laundry that was done, did my own so you could relax after school and I feel like I'm a stranger in my own home, I feel unwanted and unloved, I wont live like this.

She said she just didn't like the song, like I played it to show her what I REALLY felt.  (It was Goodbye in her Eyes by Zac Brown)  I said that's funny, you don't seam to realize the other songs that I played that were loving, either way I'm not going to live like this.

Now I'm at a hotel, thank God I have a bazillion points.  Trying to figure out what to do.  Did I over react, did I let it all build up with years of her telling me she didn't think she could meet my needs.  Am I done trying and not having her try or at least try how I need her to try.  And most importantly Is it the END?

Irishtuna

@generalzod. I can see how you would think that.  But it isn't quite what you think.  A.  That night I was not able to write me thoughts down very clearly so you missed a lot of background. B.  I agree about OI and frame.  I sucked it up.  It was Bush league.

Tonight, when I get a chance I can get on and explain the situation with a clear head.

Irishtuna

@generalzod I took some time to think about what you wrote and I agree with some of it.  I was definitely wanting a positive response, however not in a sexual manner.  I'm not attempting to justify only clarify it. 

Something that didn't help that night that I did not put in my previous post was some memories of my recent deployment were brought up and some bad things that happened while I was there.  These weren't memories of her and I but rather someone I knew dying and flying back with their flag covered casket at my feet.  I've never told her specifics about the bad parts of my deployment only thing like flying back on a Human Remains flight and how surreal it is to come back from a forward location to go home and have someone else that gave everything that wont be able to see their family one more time.  So at this point when I would HOPE to just get a comforting hug I got what amounted to man up with her words and actions.

PITY PART OVER

One of the biggest issues currently is that we/I do not get a chance to put much into practice.  For instance, out of the last three months I was gone for two.  So part of what I did when I got home was to fill her love language. As opposed to getting home, waiting for her to get home and say "I want X for dinner and here are my dirty clothes"  I took it upon myself to do it, take care of my own stuff since she has been doing everything at home since I've been gone.  I see that as being thoughtful not "Nice" and not a transaction.  It wasn't if I do this, she will be nice or sexual or fill in the blank.  I do think, however, that expecting some common courtesy is a boundary that I will no longer bend on.  I may not have established that boundary properly but the result worked.

I very much agree with your statements about being more Outcome Independent and keeping my Frame.  PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE

As far as being extremely needy, I may have been.  This part isn't to dis-agree but to show some insight into our situation.  Because I travel quite often and the last 3 months are representative, Yes, sometimes I need to know that what I'm doing is worth it.  I stress sometimes.  I think of that as having a need not being needy.  I vocalize that need maybe once a year if she isn't meeting it.  I let her hamster dictate my mood.

So fast forward to the next day.  She called me and I told I wouldn't talk about anything until I got home.  When I did get back home after work, she asked if I was truly done.  I told her that the way she treats me is unacceptable.  I listed my top 5 things that she needs to do for me to be willing to stay. and she expressed that she didn't realize what I meant when I said my needs.  And that she never thought I needed anyting as small as words because I never complain or ask anything from her.  She has never been able to express herself about things like thanks or affirmation because of her families dynamic when growing up.  I told her that, I have tried in the past to let her know what my needs were in particular and she didn't listen and only interrupted me which I allowed her to do.

She actually listened to me explain my needs, and apologized in ways that she has NEVER done.  I could see that they were heart felt.  I explained that if I see these happen and the changes stay then I think we could have a great marriage, but if I notice that she stops doing them or "forgets" that I'm part of this also then she will get exactly what her actions show and we are done.

telyni

Sounds like you jumped straight to a Phase 4 without actually running the MAP very far...you're fortunate she responded as well as she did.

Irishtuna

@Kiche. 2x4 warning acknowledged.

The Craigslist incident was about 5 years ago.  She has full access to anything anytime she wants.  

I have read the books, the videos are on my to do list.

FFS, made me chuckle, slowing down.

My anger issues have been my biggest MAP priority.  FRAME.OI

Mongrel

While I agree with the responses I also can understand where you are coming from.

Every person has a breaking point and you reached yours. I mean, she got upset because you played a song? WTF? That means you have to walk on eggshells around her to not upset the Princess.

Okay, so the timing may have not been perfect but you reached critical mass and gave her a well-stated ultimatum. Now you have to follow through and be vigilant. For this to work you need to employ the MAP to get the woman you want. Stop focusing on her reactions and just MAP like you are getting ready to replace her--because that is what you told her will happen. Even if you have no intention of leaving this is how you must proceed. It is the two basic things about a MAP:

1)  You will improve yourself and be more attractive to your wife

2)  You will improve yourself and be attractive for her replacement

Either way you wind up a winner.

Irishtuna

Back with updates.

She has been better, I never expected her to show attraction, just some courtesy.  She had done that.  If her hamster starts stepping back in, i just tell her to stop or give her a disapproving look and keep doing my thing.  I have been  working on my frame and OI.  @Mongrel. I've been MAPing for a while.  Not walking on eggshells or "caring" has been the hardest part. However, like most MAPers realize, once the oneitis is gone it's much easier.  If she wants to be pissy so be it.  I just refuse to take her worst effort instead of her best.

I've always worked out, worked on the house, the cars.  

My REDs are keeping frame.  Controlling my emotions and realizing Im not responsible for her emotions.