LTR let a co-worker kiss her. How to best blow up the situation.

Templar

Athol_Kay said:

I bumped to Silver and moved the thread to 911.

The obvious question is whether or not there's a plan for either one of you to be moving to where the other lives. Currently the OM sees her twice as much as you do - you see her on average 10 days a month and he sees her 20 days a month.

It's one thing to break up the affair situation, but the another thing is actually making your relationship functional again.

Quoted so that you re-read it. This is the bigger picture. 

HowlAtTheMoon

To be honest, you don't seem that into her. 
If you are into a serious relationship with a person, you will want cohabitation regardless of whether children ever enter the picture. 
And mateguarding is important in long distance relationships no matter how much you trust a person. You consistently show her you don't value her that much.
I think you should just end it and you can both find people more aligned with yourselves. 
Most of the time, if someone goes onto an internet forum asking should I end it? He/she already knows the answer.

Scarlet

Clipper58 said:

Scarlet - I've always thought we had a substantial, healthy, meaningful LTR. She has always said essentially the same up until very recently.

I can see why you would think that.  Things can be going along well superficially and you don't see the issues building underneath until they're too big to ignore.  The problem with a long distance relationship that's pretty casual and has no specific plans to become a close relationship, is that you're sending signals even if you don't mean to send them.  In this case you're sending the signal "I'm just really not that into you.  I'm not interested in marriage and children and commitment."  At her age, staying in a relationship like that is wasting the pretty.  Even if she's intellectually trying to make it work, she still subconsciously knows that this guy if not going to make a life with her, and that leaves her wide open to a guy who expresses a more meaningful level of interest.

That doesn't make kissing another man okay, but it does mean it's almost inevitable that something like that will happen.  Frankly, she'd be a fool to not be open to a real relationship, because even though yours looked real on the surface, it was giving zero indication of any sort of future together.  

The question becomes what you do about it.  This is pretty hard, because I certainly can't tell you what's best.  And you're now in a position of committing to someone who made a mistake - albeit an entirely unsurprising one - or ending something you valued.  But at the end of the day, if you want to maintain this relationship you need to commit to it, and that means you live near one another, consider marriage and children, and find a balance between attractive alpha and beta comfort, because no relationship survives on only one of those things. You have to mate guard.  You have to view this as a wakeup call that if you let your girl dangle out there in the breeze under the protection of no one, that some guy if going to seek her out.  That is human nature.  You cannot send the message of "I'm just really not that into you" but then expect that she won't respond to someone else sending the message of "Hey, I'm really into you."  That's *if* you want a relationship with her.

OneEyedDrunk

I've read Rollo's articles as well as most on here. Rolls speaks to mostly dating, but does not speak to long term relationships. Welcome to MMSL. Mate guarding in a dating relationship is not as important as a long term relationship. You will see many of the other sites call guys not confident or weak if they mate guard.

Here on MMSL mate guarding is key. Essentially, you are dumb if you aren't. There's so much more at stake in a long term relationship hence why mate guarding is needed.

Im not clear if you wanted to stay with her or cut and run. Either way you need to mate guard. Whether it's salvaging this relationship or starting your next. 

EANx

OneEyedDrunk said:

I've read Rollo's articles as well as most on here. Rolls speaks to mostly dating, but does not speak to long term relationships. Welcome to MMSL. Mate guarding in a dating relationship is not as important as a long term relationship. You will see many of the other sites call guys not confident or weak if they mate guard.

Here on MMSL mate guarding is key. Essentially, you are dumb if you aren't. There's so much more at stake in a long term relationship hence why mate guarding is needed.

Mate guarding isn't just "this mine", it also falls into the "relationship comfort" piece. People want to be wanted. If you've been dating for a month then you might have a little more slack. Likewise, a twenty-year marriage where the partners trust each other probably has a lot of slack. Somewhere in between is an area that bears watching.

A few years ago I was dating a woman and we were at an exclusive club. We knew most of the people there. One of the guys started to buy her drinks. Knowing her and him, I didn't step in and let her deal with things her own way, knowing she was leaving with me. Toward the end, I made my move, marked my territory and we left.

Mate guarding is all about knowing when is an appropriate time to mark your territory and there's not just one type. Popping over, giving her a peck and saying "hey babe, I have to run to the car, is there anything you need?" is mate guarding. It marks your territory but in a way that isn't overt. You establish you're there as a pair and that you're watching what she's doing in a way that isn't offensive.

Remus

I'll speak from personal experience,  long distance only works if you have a strong relationship beforehand and you have agreed on a finite end time at which you will be together.

thisisjen

Long distance is not for the faint of heart.   It's doable.....but not easy.   I was in one for 5 years.  It did end in marriage.