Help needed on successfully mapping through menopause

LordFlashheart

Hi All,

This seemed the best place for my questions, as opposed to my personal MAP thread.

I'd love to know how any men have run their MAP through their wives / partners menopause, how any women have kept or improved their sexual side through this, and any tips and most importantly success the other side.

My wife is perimonopausal now. 50 yrs old. Periods are getting heavier and less regular, sometimes more frequent.  When we do have sex, she's always really into it, but frequency is much lower than I want (what brought me to MMSL).

On the one hand I know you can't MAP a medical.  I also know that a lot of the issues to do with our sex life are not to do with menopause but are squarely the normal Nice Guy, OI, attraction, RC issues that we all are working to improve.

But I'm (a) worried that through this phase and out into full menopause, my sex life will just disappear and (b) trying to work out if there are things I can do.  

I could really do with some reassurance that with regards menopause, things will be ok, and be able to get better, sexually, with my mapping.

Just needing a bit of hope!

SallyMander

I'm glad you started this thread. I was thinking of adding one about "change of life and beyond" because I believe it's been shown that men experience a (more subtle) form of this too.

I would also like reassurance. I'm one data point who's the same age as your wife and I'm DTF pretty much all the time. And I *so* don't want to lose that. I haven't had any issue yet with dryness or diminished desire.

In Gold, a wise poster pointed me to sage for dealing with hot flashes/flushes. I'm going to give that a try in tea form. (The flushes aren't bad, but I already blush a lot and I have rosacea...it's not great for capillaries.)

I'm taking 5-HTP already (and I love it for a slight boost in energy) and it might be good for hot flashes too.

From what I've read, gaining muscle = keeping muscle, and is even more important at this stage of life.

Black cohosh also gets mentioned frequently.

p.s. Awesome name -- your wife is lucky to have a husband with a good sense of humor!

Rorschach

I'm 54. DW is 53, now post-menopausal.

There had been some of that unpredictability that you described.  Her doc had her on some sort of hormonal BC regime (don't recall what) that supressed her periods for like 9 weeks or something (I can't remember), then off for a shark week, then back on.  All that stopped Fall 2015.  She went off, and no period.  That helped with the unpredictability, but there was some bloating and discomfort.

If things start seeming really out of whack, you should get her to see a gyno. 

In principle, it should make little difference if the attraction is there, and if general physical health is otherwise there.  Sex happened for us.  I increased frequency (though my issues were/are related more to RC, not so much attraction).  Sex happens now.

Lube becomes way more important.  Rare is the occasion when we can dispense with its use (though sometimes it is still not needed). Coconut oil should be your friend here.  Keep some by your bed.

I think building up responsive desire well before hand maybe also becomes just a little more important as well.  She doesn't have the same hormones, so you need to put the idea if sex out there maybe just a little bit more (with the appropriate RC context as well, of course).

And, yes, she should be exercising.

So, all other things being equal, I don't think you need to worry that 50 represents some sort of dead bedroom cliff that your going to fall off.

You will change too, even if you are quite healthy.  For me, any significant amount of booze before sex ain't gonna work.  And double headers are probably a thing of the past (let alone triple headers).

nubby

@LordFlashheart I'm in the same situation. My wife just got her period after 85+ days. She was bummed out that she got it. She's been very horny for quite a while (not sure if it's hormonal). 
I have just kept going like I have been. I hold frame, remain oi and give RC. 

I have noticed that she is starting to forget things that she never would have a year ago. If things change drastically I will suggest she see her Dr and get a full hormonal panel done. Even though it is medical, I will map as much as I can. She needs to be reassured I'm there looking out for her. I don't push too hard for sex as I know she is going through a major change in her life. 

LordFlashheart

Before I reply to any comments...

I CAN'T BELIEVE I MISSPELT "HELP" AS "HELD"... 

I need better glasses or is there anyway a mod can correct the title?  I bow my head in shame...

LordFlashheart

@SallyMander thanks for your input.  Yes I guess it's useful to get info on both sexes.

My W has been pretty lucky that she's not getting hot flushes and I've been getting her Menopace supplements which do seem to help. 

Thanks re. the name high five. Yes although I can be a grumpy bugger, I can also make my wife laugh, which is a wee +1

@Rorschach thanks for the advice. So far, dryness hasn't been an issue but I'm prepared for that now with lube in the bedside cabinet and coconut oil in the kitchen.
Yes, I'm also noticing the effects of my aging, and am now looking to build in solutions via my health aspects in my map.  But yes, I'm finding double headers more difficult, especially with alcohol involved, which is why one of my tasks is to really reduce my drinking.

@nubby thanks for your input.  I kind think if you can be having the MAP success you're having with a wife in a similar age to mine there is hope, which is really what I was looking for here.  I think I need to up the RC through this phase, whilst continuing on my mapping.

One of the things that hit me quite hard was yesterday when W was mentioning how pissed off she was with this heavy period that's started again really soon after the last one.  She then said she'd maybe look at a hysterectomy.  I'm really against this unless a very very last resort as it can't be good for sexual arousal and enjoyment to have a big chunk of your girly bits taken out.

W's comment was a bit off the cuff and not really thought through and she had had a glass of wine, which means speak first, think about it later, so I don't think she really meant it, but it was a shock to me and prompted me setting up this discussion.

So this morning I did quite a bit of internet research to find more natural solutions and explanations to (a) captain my W through this and (b) put my mind to rest a bit.

frillyfun

If the bleeding does get bad there are a lot of treatments available including surgical ablation that can pretty much stop periods all together.

Angeline

Unless there's an actual issue with the ovaries (in which case you really want them out of there with a quickness), they rarely take them out in a hysterectomy anymore, which means she'll get the benefit if whatever hormones they're still putting out, even if lowered from pre-menopause days. Just no uterus.

mrsozzy

I had a horrible neverending period in my early 40s. Thought I would end up in the ER. Topical OTC Progesterone cream took care of it completely. I now take oral hormones which control my period well, but the cream was a great emergency fix. Maybe worth a mention. 

nubby

My wife's ob/gym prescribed some kind of meds for heavy bleeding. 
My wife's period was all over the map the last year. Sometimes it would come a week after the last one, other times it was over 40 days apart. 
She is getting the hot flashes and the older women in her office just laugh when she complains it's too hot in the office. 

SallyMander

re: heavier and more frequent periods, again, data point of one, but that happened to me too. 10-14 day heavy bleeding, week off, and then another round. And "multiple products"-heavy heavy. I still have a box of ginormous, uncomfortable tampons.  :-O 

ETA: If she can wait it out, it is sure to change.

And then...it went the other way, mere spotting every other month. I think the idea is that annoys you enough you're ready to be menopausal, dammit (although I felt that way at 14, the first time through this mess). The whole fiasco has come with my libido shooting through the roof at times, again, much like being 14, and honestly, to the point that it's been problematic -- I can't concentrate. If I've had memory issues, it's because I'm finding better things to think about. :-)  

Templar

We are both 50. Wife had been perimenopausal in her early 40's. Bleeding became very persistent (>3 weeks/month) for quite some time. Ablation worked for less than 6 months to decrease bleeding. She also had endometriosis. Moods, bleeding, hot flashes, just generally a very uncomfortable time for her, so sexy time was at a low. Couldn't blame her! She always felt lousy. Hormones didn't help. Ovariohysterectomy, leaving the non-cystic ovary. Got on hormone patches (tabs didn't work for her and she actually needs 2 patches at a time to feel normal) and she is much better. Hot flashes aren't as bad, she doesn't feel the "uncontrollable demon moods" and obviously no bleeding. A little extra lube is needed not yet 1/2 the time.

Take homes - make sure her doctor isn't just a GP so that she truly knows the options medically and surgically. If one hormone type/form doesn't work, don't be afraid to try a different one. There are many options and not all work for all women.

SignorePillolaRossa

i started a thread on this a while back for similar reasons

Sra PR will be 52 soon and is definitely perimenopausal

her periods can stop for several months at a time .. hot flashes come on really bad when periods stop ... not sleeping well ... and painful cramping when they resume (she never had bad cramps during her fertile years) ... her hair has experienced issues with thinning, breaking, etc but has gotten a bit better ... had bouts of depression that she sould tell were hormonal

i boo the villains and add decent RC as seems helpful

hasnt really impacted my MAP nearly as much as my improvements have

i've brought up getting a hormone workup with an eye towards replacement but she is having none of it ... ive brought up nutri-supplements to alleviate symptoms but she is equally resistant ... i have suggested physical activity but she wont do more than go for a walk once in a while (plus weekly dancing)

stay the course, friend

onward!

Rorschach

Yeah, the hot flashes are great ... driving with the windows rolled down in January.

HildaCorners

Unusual data point here ... I had what must be the easiest menopause in history.

No hot flashes, no periods from hell, no weird emotional states ... just longer and longer between periods until ... they ... just ... stopped.

I have noticed some changes in the years since. I'm getting a bit thicker around the middle (.75 waist - hip ratio instead of .70), my skin can look old and powdery if I don't care for it well, and weight loss is harder. I've lost a bit of flexibility and am dealing with some old age symptoms that have nothing to do with menopause or sexuality.

But I still get as wet as ever, O just as easily, and my drive is fine (well, as best a single woman can tell). I'm ready to party all night, once I find the right man.

Not all women go through a nasty menopause ... I hope everyone here goes through it the way I did.

LordFlashheart

@SignorePillolaRossa

"ive brought up nutri-supplements to alleviate symptoms but she is equally resistant"

I've got my W on Menopace which she has previously said helped with evening things out a bit. It's mainly minerals and vitamins so nothing scary. Maybe your W could try that as a no-risk starter. More akin to a Multivitamin geared towards ladies.

Serenity

Before she considers a hysterectomy with all its attendant complications, or even an ablation, have her talk to her doctor about progesterone cream.

When a woman hits perimenopause, usually in her 40's, both estrogen and progesterone start declining, but the progesterone typically declines more rapidly, leaving her estrogen-dominant. 

This can cause some of the symptoms you mentioned. 

Adding progesterone cream (usually compounded by a compounding pharmacy) can completely alleviate the problems. Progesterone also is a calming hormone, and she will most likely feel a better sense of calm and well-being once she starts supplementing.

SallyMander

@Serenity, any downsides to progesterone cream use? Can you please do what you've done for decoding male hormones for women? (Pretty please!) 

I don't think I'll get anywhere talking to my primary care doctor about this -- it strikes a parallel to the low-T "normal is not optimal" scenario. I want optimal health.

I'm fine. I have zero health complaints/conditions (thanks goodness), but I want to spend my 50s/60s in the shape I am now, if not better. I never expect to get advice from my doctor, who already tells me I'm one of her favorite and most unusual patients. < eye roll > 

I am certain I never would have heard of 5-HTP except from you-all. 

Serenity

Like everything else, balance is everything. Hormones are definitely not a DIY project, they're simply too complicated.

There aren't side-effects to progesterone cream, per se, but dosing can be tricky. Progesterone is stored in fatty tissue and you can eventually end up with too much. 

Your skin also loses its ability to absorb progesterone after supplementing for a while. Applying vaginally can help prevent this.

Best advice is to do some research and find someone who knows what they're doing. 

SallyMander said:

@Serenity, any downsides to progesterone cream use? Can you please do what you've done for decoding male hormones for women? (Pretty please!) 

I don't think I'll get anywhere talking to my primary care doctor about this -- it strikes a parallel to the low-T "normal is not optimal" scenario. I want optimal health.

I'm fine. I have zero health complaints/conditions (thanks goodness), but I want to spend my 50s/60s in the shape I am now, if not better. I never expect to get advice from my doctor, who already tells me I'm one of her favorite and most unusual patients. < eye roll > 

I am certain I never would have heard of 5-HTP except from you-all. 

LordFlashheart

@Kiche she's kind of neutral.  On the negative side, the heavy bleeding, pain and unpredictability gets her down.  But on the plus side the not needing BC in future is good.  Overall she's a pretty positive woman and when into sex is really into it.

Shark week sex is non existent.  Earlier in our relationship, when I guess attraction and dopamine was higher, shark week meant I got BJTC, Hand Jobs, the lot.  This tailed off to not a lot of action but on one occasion I was given the line "I'm still bleeding bit, so do you want between my boobs, mouth or anal.

Now, nothing.  And I'm expected to just wait.  It's a bit of an big issue for me, and one of the things that brought me here.  Looking to MAP a way out of this.

SallyMander

I'm still noticing aspects of my cycle even though I'm not having periods. Ovulation cramps, for instance. 

To me, it's so clear that I would be in a PMS phase. I am ravenous. I'm telecommuting today and I've had 2 protein-heavy lunches and I'm going to have to call the third an afternoon snack. I am also randy as heck. Not a very productive day so far!