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I think I done good.
EinMan
Silver Member Posts: 638
This morning at breakfast with my wife and daughter, my wife suddenly said she wondered if she should work the dinner shift at the restaurant. She's currently a waitress during lunch, 3x weekly. Recently, she started working 4 days per week. Mind you, she complains constantly that she has to go, how the owner is rude to her (a woman), co-workers complain, bla bla, except for the sushi chef whom she sometimes quotes. She used to more frequently and even my daughter noticed that she seemed to be extra positive about this guy. So I always keep an eye and ear open for anything about this.
To be fair, we all find people at work who are attractive. Also, work is a place where she gets to get out, put on makeup, be among people and feel a sense of accomplishment. She's also chronically worried about money. We could always use more, but we're not struggling by any means, take vacations, etc. So I'm always watching and I did watch her GPS for a year and found nothing suspicious.
So this morning, she floated the idea of her working the evening shift, which would mean she would also not be home to make dinner. I let her talk on for a few sentences or so and then said "I don't like it". She said "Yea, that's what so and so was saying (other sushi chef), better than I am with my family".
She was so seemingly air-headed about it. I feel I not only passed a kind of loyalty/fitness test, but also kept the ship on course by saying "No". I can see less-redpill aware guys or my former self missing this cue to disastrous consequences.
To be fair, we all find people at work who are attractive. Also, work is a place where she gets to get out, put on makeup, be among people and feel a sense of accomplishment. She's also chronically worried about money. We could always use more, but we're not struggling by any means, take vacations, etc. So I'm always watching and I did watch her GPS for a year and found nothing suspicious.
So this morning, she floated the idea of her working the evening shift, which would mean she would also not be home to make dinner. I let her talk on for a few sentences or so and then said "I don't like it". She said "Yea, that's what so and so was saying (other sushi chef), better than I am with my family".
She was so seemingly air-headed about it. I feel I not only passed a kind of loyalty/fitness test, but also kept the ship on course by saying "No". I can see less-redpill aware guys or my former self missing this cue to disastrous consequences.
8
Comments
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
You told her what you thought, she agreed, and now it's handled. I'd leave it alone.
Now, look for the next opportunity to do the right thing.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
She wants to contribute financially and asked for your input.
This is a good thing.
http://marriedmansexlife.com/2013/05/when-you-get-a-yes-stop-talking/
The Secret to Why Your Wife Doesn't Initiate; Top Two Reasons Your Husband Doesn't Want Sex; Dominance-It's Not a Bad Word; Top 10 Ways to Increase Testosterone Naturally
Last night was great sex and this morning incredibly normal with no mention of work.
With that said you should review the issue about money though since there is some pressure there. If the financial situation is getting better and this is just anxiety from the past, just keep focus on doing what works. If your financial situation is tenuous, then you should take the lead on fixing it.
The weekend was a kind of cold war that broke out into a ridiculous fight, where she wanted me to put the groceries away for her because she had to pick up our daughter. That sounds simple enough, and I would happily do so normally - but I smelled a rat. Believe it or not, putting away the groceries has been a fight for us for more than 10 years. There's no way to describe it without it sounding stupid, because it is stupid. Suffice it to say, I didn't want to play anymore and told her I didn't believe she had no time and that I was not going to put them away. Shouting ensued and she went to her standby of violent displays, which worked on me for years. She threw bags of food on the floor. I said "let me help you" and threw the rest. She tried to escalate but I didn't let it. She left and when she returned, the mess was hers to clean.
Seems a roundabout way to do so, but things are good now. I did a hammer and saw project on Sunday and she was all over me. Solved.
I'm not a fan of violent displays except in self defense so when she threw the groceries on the floor, you had the option of maintaining an alpha frame or getting drawn into hers. Good that you didn't let it escalate but you shouldn't have been in her frame to begin with.
Think through this situation from beginning to end and figure out where things could have been better. Not what she did wrong but where you could have responded better to what she did or said. The only person you can control is you.
She had a reasonable reason to hurry, but I do believe she was doing a hit and run to leave me with groceries. I have struggled to be bigger about it, but in the end, it does get me so I wanted to remove it.
Some recent background
She was recently asking to be taken out to the movies. Twice she agreed and cancelled at the last minute with not unreasonable reasons, but still, two in a row and the comment about working evenings got my radar up. She knows I'm suspicious about the sushi chef where she works - she used to talk about him and when I went to a family restaurant event, he wasn't friendly at all. She also knows what gets me and just changes the form any time it stops working.
So her thing this week is that I need too much attention, that 10 mins at breakfast and 10 mins when I come home, along with an occasional TV show is too much and "we can spend time together when we're retired".
She's going to Japan in July and it always makes me nervous, even though I have never ever caught her in a lie about her location or found her being sneaky. I tracked her GPS for years without anything suspicious. She has an old male college friend she has had few not extremly serious chats with over the past 6 years. At this point, she wishes hm a happy birthday each year. I found no other facebook messages, but she did ask him if he was on line, a chat app, but I didn't see a reply. The trip is with my son.
One more thing: Sex is fantastic and whenever I want (night time). We cuddle every night, but as soon as we're out of bed, it's as if we're acquaintances. Sort of the opposite of the wife who is the best friend.
What gives her energy and when does she get to do it?
Are you fun to be around?
Fitocracy: atxchick
Enneagram 6w5, married to a 5
1. It seems reasonable that if she is headed to pick up your child, you might put the groceries away so that she can be there on time without rushing or speeding. But you indicate it was a sort of fitness test, so if that's true... I still don't think you handled it well.
2. IMO, if she throws a tantrum, you don't join her in throwing groceries to the floor. You stand in your frame and look at her the way you would look at an adult who is throwing a tantrum. Let her see how ridiculous she looks in your eyes. You're not impressed. You're not moved. You're not joining her. You look at her the way you would look at a lady acting crazy in the supermarket. If she continues, shrug and walk away.
Fitocracy: atxchick
Enneagram 6w5, married to a 5
Obviously that isn't going to work if you also indulge in tantrum behavior. You say you were calling her bluff. How would it look to anyone watching?
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
She has energy for researching things on the internet and chatting with the other housewives on phone chat. Am I fun? I'm not a riot, perhaps a little boring.,
2. I'm sensing a theme - I am "correcting" things from the past. All the things I wish I had done long ago. I was so stunned and helpless when she was violent in the past. Throwing down the groceries in a dramatic fashion was meant to have that effect - by helping out, I was doing a kind of A&A, but when she tried to tip over the table, I stopped her by holding the table. It's like she went through an old list of tricks and I wasn't buying any of them.
In general, i want to complete the past, but she refuses to discuss things, so when the opportunity arrives to make a correction, I do. Grocery thing: Done. Violent outburts - done. It's as if I'm finishing issues I should have a long time ago. I wish we could simply talk. She never wants to talk about issues - she gets upset.
I will remain calm next outburst.
I tried every method to solve it, but it was perplexing in its stupidity. I ignored it, but never quite did. Once, I was genuinely in a hurry and asked her to put the groceries away for me. She did so, but later that day, fed me the same line and left them for me. I didn't understand the concept of "calling her on her shit" and wasn't strong enough to take a stand. I was dumbfounded and confused that she claimed to hate score keeping but did it so. Appeals to reason didn't work, lol.
So recently, I just decided I would put my shopping away and she hers. But then she started leaving stuff for me. I would put it away but never felt good about it. So when we were in a fight, I left groceries out for her. Her asking me to put her groceries away was the same day, so that's why I didn't believe her and decided to call her out that she was the one doing it. When she escalated to violence, it was an opportunity to say that I wasn't going to put up with that any longer either. Almost like someone who never defends them self and suddenly does.
If you were vacuuming would you expect her to put the vacuum back in the closet when you were finished? Or, if your wife was mopping would you be expected to put away the bucket and mop when she finished?
I can understand where you were coming from with the grocery throwing incident. You finally had enough of her physical outbursts so you were demonstrating that you can stand up for yourself. This incident could potentially have the effect of making your wife think twice before getting physical again. Or it could make her think she needs to escalate further in the future to get the reaction she's aiming for.
In the future I'd avoid escalating any situations where she gets physical. If your wife throws stuff, bangs objects, or worse I'd suggest disengaging and not discussing anything until she calms down and acts like an adult. You can get the same message across (standing up for yourself) without getting on her level or escalating the situation.
I wouldnt beat yourself up over the situation either.