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Comments
The groceries thing turned out to be me still being butt-hurt from all the old grocery fights. I'm glad I finally got it out of my system, but I realized how foolish it is to not only carry around old hurts, but to bring them up. I don't like her bringing up the past and did it myself which was a giant DLV. She didn't even bring it up later in the weekend, so I'm letting it drop.
And yes, @soa2005 , I am glad I had the outburst and helped throw the groceries on the floor. Though childish and not generally a good idea to meet violence with violence, I think this was the proper course to show that I'm not frightened by her outbursts.
I can help her if I feel like it and she can do the same. If she asks for help, I will give it to her also.
This one is a little trickier. We were invited to a friend's home they just bought. I wrote her an email and suggested Saturday the 21st. This morning, she said she can't go because she's working Saturday evening, that she already said she would, but it's only until the end of June when she and my son go to Japan.\
I asked why and she went back to the money issue. I left the table and went to finish my morning preparations and thought about it. I didn't like it one bit because she did it sneakily and there is a guy at the restaurant I believe she is attracted to. I didn't want to appear insecure and I didn't have time for a discussion (and I wanted to post here), so I told her I wanted her to show me where we need more money and that if it's an issue, she an work lunch 5x weekly instead of 3. She said that it's not just about money, that I would have time to work out (I already go every evening) and that she doesn't have her own time - aha, the real issue. But If I didn't want her to, she wouldn't...
I said that that's an important issue and we need to talk about it, but not right now. I want to address it but I have to tell her I'm not happy she went against my wishes. Working on Saturday is a foot in the door to other evenings. I'm not opposed 100% as I recognize her need to have her time and I wouldn't mind actually spending it with the kids alone in these last few years while they're home. But I do not like her deception and will bring up that I need to be able to trust her and that I need her to say the truth.
BTW, I can see that she has been a dedicated wife and mother for the past 17 years, keeps a clean house, makes dinner every night but laments she has no time for herself. The kids are older now and my daughter is beginning to disengage and making dinner night after night, cleaning day after day with no help or appreciation from the kids can be tiring.
I see this as a teaching moment about integrity and a chance to lead. But It's also a breech of trust I have to address. If she's going out in the world, I need to have her be her word; I need to be able to trust she will do and not do what she says. To be honest, although this can be an issue in many areas, I'm only worried about cheating. Interestingly, she keeps poking me to find "the real" reason I don't want her working.
In fact, I'm pleased to have the topic come up before her trip to Japan for a month. I'm a little unsure how to proceed
I realized that it was my old feelings on the matter coming up. It was me.
I'm wondering the real reason too. The paragraph above is something one would write about a teenager, not a partner.
" I didn't like it one bit because she did it sneakily and there is a guy at the restaurant I believe she is attracted to".
For whatever reason you have a gut feeling about this guy or about this situation. You don't always have to go with your gut when making decisions but you should absolutely heed the warnings or consider them when you have a gut feeling or your spidey sense is tingling.
This can be a touchy situation. On one hand, if your wife has never displayed disloyal behavior, you do not want to cause a DLV by potentially making a big deal out of nothing. On the other hand inaction, on your part if something is going on, could be just as bad or worse than overreacting.
What makes you think your wife is attracted to the guy at work? Has she worked with him before? Is there any communication between the two of them outside of work?
Heres the thing, mate guarding is just one more tool to reach for in your tool box. Mate guarding, if called for, is an excellent way to show you're not a pushover and that you value your spouse and the relationship you share. Mate guarding, without a valid reason, will be seen as insecure or possibly possessive and controlling.
If youre providing dopamine and relationship comfort and the attraction is there then mate guarding displays can be useful to show your spouse that you're not a pushover and that you value them as a partner.
If attraction is low, dopamine is low, and relationship comfort is lacking then mate guarding may only stall the inevitable.
Does that mean you shouldn't mate guard if you have a valid suspicion that something is up? No, you absolutely should mate guard if the situation calls for it. At the same time you should map your ass off so you're hitting the more important areas of your relationship like being fun / exciting to be around, being attractive, and providing relationship comfort.
@EinMan
I haven't read most of your discussions so maybe none of that applies to you.
What you posted above could be a valid concern about your wife having a crush on the other man or it could be nothing. You mentioned that you took medicine for obsessive thoughts. Were you obsessed with many things or mainly obsessed with cheating?
If you're wife has innocent reasons for working the night shift then I can understand where she is coming from. She takes care of the house and kids and has mentioned to you that she feels like she has no time for herself. I think a lot of parents, especially moms, could empathize with her. A lot of times, after hectic days off with the kids ,I can't wait to return to work where it's mostly adult interaction.
If the other guy didn't exist would you have any issues with your wife working nights?
My quirks tended toward paranoia, which turns out to be different than in the movies. I just saw things in people's words or faces that were way off. I had a few other obsessive thoughts, but the cheating thing really took off. Perhaps because my mom cheated on my dad at work and I found out it was with multiple guys, including the ones she used to tell funny stories about at the dinner table.
If the guy weren't there, I have no objection to her working Saturday night, certainly. Her first comments regarding working evenings were around many days during the week and her not making dinner. It sounded like she feels unappreciated and wants to let us fend for ourselves where she gets adult and "her" time. I have nothing against that, but how she brought it up was not good and then going and committing to work after she had asked me and I said no, bothers me. If the guy weren't there, it would be much easier. Still, I reckon there will be guys at any job and this one is a known quantity for me. I have to get used to it but keep a watch.
As for dopamine... I think she's bored with our dates - she's turned down the last 2 at the last minute. The sex is still fantastic. It's so odd to say "The sex is great, it's the rest of the relationship that's having difficulties".
My plan is to get her to talk and to listen to her feelings about being a mom and doing for herself. I have to help her grow here while not having it end up with her making a mistake the whole family will pay for. I've asked her out for Friday and she said Yes. We'll see if she follows through.
Man, that stuff about your mom had to be a really tough pill to swallow. I'm sorry you went through that and I can totally see how that kind of experience could carry over into your marital relationship.
I wish I could offer you better advice but I'm not sure how you should proceed at this point.
I started "our talk" without it being "a talk". By that, I mean I sought to understand where she was coming from and try to make clear that I wasn't upset about the idea of her working (not exactly true, but I am not going to hold her captive - that's not a positive way to mate guard) and that her knowing that I was opposed and then making a decision without informing me was a breach of trust. As I thought, there were issues of whether I was allowing her to be an adult and to expand. If I remove my irrational fear of cheating, of course she's thinking about when the kids will leave and wanting to expand her horizons and that's good. It will also give me more time with the kids during these last days.
Finally, someone posted this gem in another thread and I must say it really helped. No other red pill sites offer any recipe for dealing with hypergamy except for not getting married or advising that her power to branch swing diminishes with time. Of course, her power to allow a guy to do her diminishes much more slowly.
http://marriedmansexlife.com/2013/05/why-you-need-the-blue-pill-too/
Recently, my wife is hornier and hornier. She is also wetter than she's ever been. Last night, she attacked me and it was still the middle of the evening and my son was downstairs. Now, I have been trying new techniques - dramatic ones which worked on her astoundingly well.
We went out for frozen yogurt last night and all was good in the world. This morning, she seemed to be in a bad mood and was upset and after I talked about my friend's divorce, she seemed irritated and acted as if she was in great pain to hear me talk. One other point worth mentioning is that I reacted to a change in plans where she was going out to dinner with friends. It's innocent, but I react whenever I don't get the whole truth, even innocently. It's a paranoia on my part and I know that bothers her. Then she was upset that I complained she couldn't look at me when I was talking.
I left with her at first having her head in her hands and then later looking at her phone. I told her I would be late and she said I'd "better take her advice" about learning how to read people or else. Continued by text message:
I asked "or else, what?"
Her: "That you have problem to understand people"
Me: "Maybe I do, but that's not what this fight is about"
Her: "Yes it is"
Me: I can read you enough t know there is something else going on with you for a while now. I'll o my best to watch with love and support, and I'll try my best to hear what you are saying, but this is not just me not understanding you, even if that's a part. I'll see you tonight. "
Her: "I don't think we can talk if you don't realize your problems. For 25 years we have been together, you are asking same questions over and over again. If you are still asking, that means you don't understand me. " "I feel there will be no answer even if we talk a lot. Just make us miserable and angry."
My issue and maybe my fear and paranoia which could indeed be fueling this, is that she has planned to visit Tokyo before arriving at her city with my son. She "mentioned" that my son was meeting with friends, that he's too old to go around with his mother. This was a red flag for me. I wondered if this was her way of saying she was visiting with someone. I asked if she was going to see her sister. She answered, seemingly understanding where I was going and said that she had friends from college who had moved there. Oh, and they're staying in tokyo 2 nights.
So everything is a red flag to me, while I try to act cool. My best guess? She's making plans to see a guy from college and either feels guilty about it or annoyed that she has to tell me. She may even be fantasizing Note: She has said that she feels I'm always checking on her. In truth, I have been very jealous in the past. I've backed off a lot, but this trip has me worried anyway.
So, nothing to confront but I would like to go over ground rules for when she's away. Is this a good idea? Am I observing her or am I creating it?