Intro, triage, in need of desperate help

england9911

Hi. I'm back here again after signing up to read only back in 2013 as I'm at a really horrible point - I'm finding it difficult to cope since I've had to kick into phase 5 from the book. I was really fired up to do that (more info below) but now I feel terrible, I believe this is separation anxiety and it's what I imagine coming off drugs is like. I'm worried this feeling will escalate back into depression - I can't eat or sleep properly and going to work today was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I have the nagging feeling that I could sort this out by showing a bit of beta - if she thinks I'm cold and don't like her. But is that comment just her hamster spinning?

How long do you stay no contact in phase 5? 

Triage & story:

Question One – Basic Questions

I'm 30 she's 31. We got married in 2012, and had been together since 2009 before that. We don't have any children. I would say we're both on the upper end of average looking, I'm 6'3 and she's 5'5. I weight in about 220lbs, her about 168. We've both previously been much bigger, but we both met after having lost weight by ourselves. I've been hitting the gym hard for about 2 years now since discovering RP in 2013 and have made some great gains. She hasn't been so consistent, and over the last 6-8 months has put some weight back on, but in the last 2 months that has started to come off again.

Question Two – Rule Out Medical

I suffered from a bout of depression after by best friend died in 2012, which I started taking zoloft for in 2013. By hitting the gym and generally working on self improvement since then, I've managed to feel normal and came back off the pills last year. 

On her part, she's taken a birth control pill which I can't recall the name of for most of the time we have been together. There was a time fairly early into the relationship where she said sex was painful in certain positions, but she sought medical advice for this and since then, and after running MAP the last couple of years the sex (frequency and quality) improved greatly. I wouldn't say it ever got to a level where I didn't think some further improvements could be made but I was happy to see that my self-improvement was working.

Question Three – Rule Out Structural Attraction Issues

I have a good job, am solid with money and no debts. She has a lot of debt from university, and generally poor money skills. We have a lovely rented house in a nice neighbourhood. I'm in shape, dress well and have savings.

england9911

Question Four – Rule Out Critical Moments and Neglect

After the first time I found this site, I managed to pull our relationship back from the brink (classic 'she needed space' as I was your standard AFC/beta). I told her I knew I had work to do but that I was going to do it, and did indeed follow through on it. I got a new job, worked out like mad and got in shape. This has worked up until this point, with the exception of a few months after all this, she was all over a friend of a friend during an all-night party. I got angry at this (and how wasted she was, more on that later) and left, only to hear later through friends that she had given this guy oral sex. 

When questioned, she initially denied it but after me explaining she was so wasted that I'm sure she wouldn't even remember where she was, and being in that bad of a state means that indeed it probably did happen. She agreed this was true.

This also happened similarly around the same time (I wasn't present at all this time) again while she was completely wasted, a guy kissed her and whilst she did say that she was married, to stop and nothing further happened, a trusted friend has said it went on slightly longer than it should have.  

I gave her one chance after this to sort things out - remember I was less than a year into starting to improve myself at this point, I wasn't in as strong of a position as I am now. I said that if she promised to stop getting wasted and getting into these situations then we could work things out.

The next year was great, everything seemed to be falling into place. We moved house to a nicer neighbourhood, I got into excellent shape and got a new job. Things were going well. She also got a better job, which initially scared her but recently she's been doing really well at, I was happy to see her get a passion back as the previous job soured it somewhat.

Then recently, she started socialising with friends and her boss from work. These nights out happened a couple of times, each time getting later as these people started to get to know each other more. One night without warning she did not get home until 6am. This set off major alarm bells for me but obviously she played it down. I said I was unhappy with her actions but obviously did not make a big enough statement, as the next week or two progressed I got really angry at her - to the point where even her loud breathing at night made me want to scream. 

Then the final straw was this past saturday night when we're both at home, no plans to go anywhere that her boss gets in touch to say he is nearby with a friend and did she want to come for a drink. She jumps up and gets ready straight away (she had plans to be up early the next morning - which is why we weren't doing anything). She asks if I want to come, I'm still angry at her and revert to beta mode temporarily and say no. RP kicks in shortly afterwards that I know nothing about this guy or his friend, so I call her to say I'll be joining them.

This guy is an exact recreation of one of her exes. Small, overweight, bad hair, no dress sense. I laugh a little to myself, and continue to show subtle dominance over him for the rest of the night. 

We have a few drinks and this guy suggests we go into the center of town for more drinks. I go along, all the while they're paying for everything - taxis, drinks. After a while this gets boring to me, they end up in an awful bar with lots of old women singing loudly. Really not my scene at all. This guy is not making anything like a hint of hitting on her (I'm not stupid enough to think he wouldn't, though). About 1am I get sufficiently drunk that I want to leave- I'm now bored and don't want to make myself sick. I tell her I'm leaving but she says that she's staying. Previously at this time I've just left without any more words - not sure if that was ever the right move but it was either that or looking like an idiot trying to forcibly bring her with me. Every time this happens I realise I'm not really talking to anyone any more, for me the night has drawn to a natural conclusion. The area where my game is weak is socialising, I do recognise this in myself.

This time however her staying out made me snap and I said in the heat of the moment that if this carries on we have to break up. She arrives home around 3.30am and sleeps on the couch. This sat until Monday night when I said that she knew my condition was explicitly that she did not go out and get wasted (with single men) until the early hours of the morning, and that every time this happened it brought up a lot of resentment toward her because of her actions in the past.

Her response to this is to go quiet and cry, and not say a word. I keep asking whether she can see this is not good behaviour, she says she doesn't want to not be able to socialise. I reply that is not what I've said, just stop drinking until stupid o'clock with single men.

With the hamster spinning, she says that she feels like I really don't like her at all. I reply with that I've been angry since she stayed out until 6am a couple of weeks ago, that I don't think I handled it well at all and have just let it simmer for far too long causing this eruption. I don't like her actions, actually I really like her when we're getting on. She also said that she wasn't sure if she could cope with the guilt of the past issues looming over her. 

We went to work the next day, I came home expecting her but she was at a girl friends house having dinner. I said I was leaving at 9. This was me kicking into phase 5 as she was not respecting my boundaries. She arrived as I was leaving and said that I didn't have to leave. I said I did - I was willing to make this work but only if we both were. I haven't heard from her since. 

There's a nagging thought after reading more blogs on the site that perhaps a little bit of added beta would help here, if she feels like I don't like her? Confused on that.

england9911

Question Six – When Did the Sex Go Bad?

Recently the sex has been great. Perhaps not quite as often as I'd like, but it was improving all the time. Hotter than it had been in a long time. We had all but stopped when I became depressed a few years ago, but I mapped quite well back into a state I was starting to become happy with.

Question Seven – What Was the Sex Like at the Start of the Relationship?

We only used to get to see each other at weekends to start with as she was from another city, so it was crazy all weekend. Multiple times a day. She would sext me some awesome stuff during the week while we were apart. When we moved in together it was great for a while but she started saying sex was hurting in some positions, which she got medical advice about and that's now not as bad. Around that time she started to get hang ups about her body, and revealed that all past boyfriends had eventually complained about not enough sex. 

It's now my understanding this was probably all about me turning into a beta at the same time, her seeing this and eventually not wanting to have sex. MAP-ing improved this massively.

Question Eight – What’s the Elephant in the Room?

I'm not massively social anymore. I used to be in a band/dj but that stopped when my music partner had kids. After the death of my best friend my world got shaken to pieces. The best people and closest friends moved away from the city for various reasons, and the friends that are still here are very much into getting way too wasted too often. None of them have good jobs or prospects and I refuse to be like them in order to appear social again. I feel this has affected my relationship and is a hole in my MAP.

Question Nine – Who is the Leader in your Marriage?

I would like to say me but having typed all of this out, it's like I'm laying out rules to a child who isn't respecting what I say. 

Reborn

I don't see where you need more beta. 

Beta is relationship comfort and she seems to have plenty of that.

DaddyOh

"A successful relationship is not just finding the right person...it's being the right person. If you are Martied you shouldn't be looking for 'any' outside of your Marriage." 

It appears you're wife is looking for a thrill or has a drinking problem.
Did she mis out on her youth and partying days?

fredless

It appears that you don't have children and your wife likes to go out drinking with single men, even after she has likely blown a guy when she was drunk and made out with another guy when she was drunk?

Do I understand that correctly?

Tennee

"I haven't heard from her since. "

When, exactly, was the last time you've spoken to your wife?

frillyfun

I don't think your issue is a lack of beta.  It's the lack of mate guarding on your part, and integrity on her part.

The appropriate response to getting hammered, and blowing a guy is NEVER going out and getting that plastered again. She gets out of control when she drinks, so she shouldn't drink.

Blackwulf

You don't like your wife?  You don't trust her.  You don't have a reason to trust her.  Her behavior is totally out of control.  You do have to set boundaries, but she doesn't sound like she is wanting to be married.  

You don't have children which is a blessing.  I personally would tell her to pack it up.  

Tennee

Rented house, no kids, good job, solid progress on improvements. Why are you tolerating any of this?  I sure as hell wouldnt.  I'm not being sarcastic - why?  Noodle this one a bit before you respond.

frillyfun

I think your first task is self care.  Eat, sleep, make sure you drink plenty of water.  Call a doctor if you think you need any prescriptions, or if you need a referral to a counselor to help you get through this.

Your next step is to call a lawyer so you know what your rights, and responsibilities are.

After that call some friends.  Go out, get some fresh air, and cry on their shoulders (or whatever guys do...girls eat ice cream, and cry).

I'm so sorry it's come to this.  Take care of yourself first.  

Mongrel

Next!

Cold, I know. I don't see any effort from her to dump the party lifestyle. She doesn't want to be married...probably to anyone. The only thing that would keep me around in your situation is the married part. If I were dating her she'd have been next'd after the first transgression. She doesn't respect you at all.

You are the prize. You deserve better. I don't see anything worth sticking around for. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering what time she will come home and who she's been with?