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Q1. The Basics
I will turn 43 this July and my wife is 7 months younger than I am. We have been together for 18 years and married just under 14. We have 3 kids (12, 9, 4).
I am 5’9” and about 170 lbs and my wife is 5’2” and 125. She is a part time group fitness instructor and we both workout 5 or 6 times a week and are in excellent shape. We both are often told we look in our mid 30’s so we’ve got that going for us, which is nice. My downside is obviously height but I am fairly broad shouldered and athletic. I am also naturally pale, somehow being part Russian and part Italian I got the prominent Roman nose and pasty white Cossack skin. God clearly has a sense of humor. A little spray tan goes a long way for me but bottom line is when we both get all made up we are both good solid 8s.
Q2. Medical
Wy wife has been on the pill since she was a teenager and because of her low sex drive has had her hormones checked several times (every couple of years) and every time the levels are normal. For the last few months she has had some hot flashes which have yet to be totally diagnosed. They may be something nonShe has never had much of a problem reaching orgasm so while I cannot be 100% certain it doesn’t seem like medical is a major issue. She really really wants it to be a medical issue and maybe I am missing something but I just don’t see it.
Comments
Q3. Structural
I have been very successful financially earning 200k plus for quite a few years until the company I worked for was bought out about a year and a half ago. I made a good deal of money as a shareholder, enough to quit but not retire and sail the world. I have been struggling since then to find direction but over the last few months I am starting a new software company. I realized once I no longer had an ownership stake I just couldn’t imagine coming into work and grinding it out. Several things came together including my father passing away and not being offered a substantial retainment package but I realized life is too short to grind out and I had a golden opportunity to strike out on my own in a completely new direction. While I don’t believe it is a structural issue since we have a large nest egg I think this uncertainty has been very difficult for her to handle and has exacerbated the underlying issues. I must admit getting going on the new project has been a challenge and I have struggled to gain momentum. We have a nice house, pool, cars, without any debt except for the mortgage and her car. Money has recently been made into an issue not because we are in need but because of the fluid nature of my employment we now have to be aware of our spending a bit more. Also, we made a big change and moved to be closer to her family (whom I love) and as for me I had to get out of my old environment if I was ever going to succeed in a new venture. Otherwise I just knew I would get sucked back into my old lifestyle. It was just too comfortable and too lucrative. What a problem right? This introduced stress as well with the new house, the kids in new schools, making connections, etc.
Physically I am in good health, drink only occasionally and don’t smoke or use drugs so no issues there. I have some chronic sinusitis which means I have bouts of halitosis. I also fart a lot when I get into bed, must be something about changing altitude. I mention this because my wife has brought those things up over the years and it very often happens right around sexy time. Who knows, perhaps there are people who never have bad breath and don’t ever fart. I try not to judge but it seems to me its better to not hold it in.
Q4. Critical Moments / Neglect
I used to work quite a bit and given the nature of my job had some odd hours and some travel. I didn’t travel often but when I did it was often for 2 to 4 weeks which could be stressful. I worked very hard to achieve balance as much as possible and busted my butt with the kids and the house. That being said I am sure it could be argued that I could have done better. I don’t look back and have any Cat’s In The Cradle moments but I suppose its worth mentioning. One issue with my work was that I could not talk about it at home (I can’t tell you, I would have to kill you) and I believe she resented that. I am sure I didn’t do a very good job explaining the things I could talk about and since it was often very technical most of the time I just didn’t talk much about work at all . It was just easier than trying to speak around things and watching her eyes glaze over with boring nerd speak.
Two critical moments, the first occurred when we were engaged. We had done LDR (no way right?) for 2 years and moved in and got engaged. Over a separate Memorial Day weekend she came back and flipped out. Turns out she made out with a bouncer and felt guilty and had tons of doubt. After 6 months of pain and agony I decided to break it off at which point she “came to her senses” and we all settled down to live happily ever after. The second moment came after our second child was born. She had an affair with a very close girl friend. They had been best friends for several years and things got a little too close. I think they sort of played at having the physical affair and it was hard to get too upset but in retrospect I completely whiffed handling this one. I allowed us to move past it while thinking the problem was not giving her enough emotional connection, after all she had become attracted to her best friend which is what every girl wants their husbands to be right? I think it is pretty clear now what she wanted was excitement. She was bored and I was willing to stay home and watch the little ones (she was so stressed she just needed more time away from the kids of course). So she got her dopamine fix and had plausible deniability about an affair since it was with another woman which is kinda hot and I have always fantasized about that and so she thought I would be totally cool….ooooops.
My big neglect on my part comes from giving up the chase and using porn as a crutch for too long. I realize now that not confronting the problem has made it much worse and now my stimulation response is completely out of whack (he he, I said whack). I have de-tox’d in the past but never with the correct mindset. I always tried to white knuckle through it in the sad hope that this time my efforts would revitalize our sex life and I would no longer need it. I grew up on porn and had no social life due to several external factors so I discovered porn at age 13 and used it copiously while absorbing all the beta-oriented nonsense that our culture has to offer which basically ensured by the time I was let loose on the world I was an overly stimulated, low self-esteem (when it came to girls) beta supreme with performance anxiety. Seriously, I could not have been more brain washed into believing what girls really wanted out of guy. I blame my parents….and 80’s movies…on betamax. So naturally when things went south and I knew I wouldn’t search for an affair I turned to my old friend. It is very easy for me to understand how that frustration and negativity just created a nasty feedback loop.
Q5. Outside Sex
I am 100% sure she is finding comfort outside of our marriage, it is simply a matter of how far it has progressed. We started going to see a counselor a few weeks ago and she was very eager to go. I had been hesitant to go to a therapist for years after a bad previous experience during the pre-marriage flip out. Plus I am a guy, an engineer, and totally introspective so I was confident I could work it all out. Just need a little more love and affection to right this ship…Anyway, she was eager to go and we talked about intimacy and her not being happy….blah blah…we had some homework to build up some purposeful communication and get comfortable with physical contact again and she put in pretty much exactly zero effort outside of physically going to counseling. I was getting frustrated after a few weeks and I started poking around the manosphere and read MMLP and The Rational Male as well as quite a few of the blogs like dalrock when something struck me pretty hard: When your wife says she “loves you but isn’t in love with you” that means she is cheating on you. It struck a chord and I told her that I was committed to working through our issues and I wouldn’t use my energy in an extramarital affair. She responded a bit too indignantly and asked me if I was suggesting she was having an affair. I of course said no but my spidey sense began to tingle. I poked a little, didn’t see much but there was a nagging little voice in my head and yesterday I was helping her with something and she got a text while I was holding the phone. The name was Christina but the message was pretty random for a woman and she was just a little too quick to pull the phone back. After some spy ninja moves I got her phone and looked up the number and cross-referenced against the phone text logs and KABOOM! They had been steadily communicating for a while but flying under the radar. The last two weeks they have really kicked it into gear and it was almost non-stop.
Now at this point, given past history, I started looking through her Facebook friends and lo and behold she has a gym friend who has never seemed quite comfortable with me named Christina but I just couldn’t get my hands on the phone to dig deeper. So I have to wait for a night raid on Berlin and after she fell asleep I went to work. I am a pretty tech savvy guy and I backed up her phone and tried to extract old texts but apparently she deletes them so quickly they never show up in the recovery software. I did notice that there are several phone calls over the last few weeks that are noticeably absent from her call logs despite the rest of the numbers remaining in the log. That is to say, cross referencing her call log and the carrier only one number seems to have gone missing. Duplicity confirmed, she is actively hiding that number not just keeping things tidy. After deciding it is too conspicuous to jailbreak her phone (since the jailbreak software is still beta) I research my options and decide to go with mspy using the iCloud backups. I am not thrilled by this solution since I am not confident it can capture her texting habits but with 15% off how can I say no to that kind of bargain (I am half Jew but only from the waist up). So I get it all setup and just for fun reverse lookup the phone number when the next kick to what remains of my testicles lands. This number “may belong to Christopher”. Shut the front door. Back to Facebook and would you possibly believe she has a friend named Chris who just happens to have been an old high school friend. The odds are staggering, I should really buy a lotto ticket with this kind of coincidence. So now comes the pacing and the heart racing as I decide what comes next.
I made one blunder at this point which I have cooly tried to play off. Turns out iMessage broadcasts to ALL devices when you add a new device to receive iMessages. I was pretty sure the spy software would not completely capture all the texts so I took an old iPhone (what, you guys don’t all have 2 or 3 old iPhones sitting around just in case?) and logged into iMessage with her account. Voila, instant visibility to all iMessages. I even went to her phone and deleted the notification and her email as well. Secret agent man…I may be the smartest man alive. Wait, what do you mean iMessage notifies ALL devices. Like her iPad and MacBook too? Yup the princess who won’t go near my peas has all the fun toys and when she asked why she was getting some strange notifications I calmly looked flustered and wondered if it was related to all the work I was doing consolidating our iTunes libraries. Damn you Apple. Sometimes the purpose of your life is to serve as a cautionary tale to others. In any case I believe she suspects something is wrong but I have done some pretty decent re-framing today and it may have just taken enough of the edge off to make her comfortable to continue her little charade.
Fast forward a few hours…that entire gambit was a complete and total waste of time and needless risk because he doesn’t have an iPhone and all his messages are sent via SMS and not iMessage. I realized this after I wasn’t seeing his messages on the extra phone but they showed up on the service provider webpage. Learn from these things people.
In other news, before I had pieced together the whole Christine/Chris misdirection (I think I might be able to help with the whole Pan/Pam dilemma) I had flipped through the notifications on her phone. You know, where you slide down from the top of the phone and it shows you calendar and notifications. Word to the wise, this is a great little find as people will often forget to clear those notifications and they stick around for a while. On the downside once you look at them they disappear, so there’s that. One and done baby. So prior to fully understanding the circumstances I saw a Spotify message about lunch from a Chris and I mistakenly thought it was from her gym buddies who had gone to lunch and one of the instructors was named Chris so there you go. Well once I looked at it the notification was lost so a few hours later I was kicking myself. It mentioned something about lunch but I couldn’t quite recall the wording. This would be the kind of secret rendezvous which basically destroys any and all attempts by her to DARVO since she flat out lied and told me she was meeting a girlfriend. Sadly….no proof…KAHN!!!!!!
But wait says I, doesn’t she also have that iPad that f***ed me over just a few short hours ago? Well once she got back from teaching at the gym (did I mention I stayed home ‘sick’ this morning) and hopped into the shower I quickly slid down the notifications bar and Sweet Baby Jesus wrapped in his swaddling clothes there it is again in all its glory. Notifications to ALL devices. Remember people, some times He giveth and sometimes He taketh away. Turns out my new best friend Chris was so happy after their lunch date he sent her a spotify link with a nice little message “After our lunch meeting yesterday….blah blah this will not end well for you Chris…blah blah” because he just had to share “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder. So I snapped a picture with my phone and erased the notification. Mental note, prepare playlist for Chris….something heartfelt and sassy.
So what does this all mean? If you have read this far then you are committed and I have to warn you I am really just getting warmed up. I think it means he has slowly been escalating over the last few weeks and she needs just a little extra hint of excitement. I can see the volume slowly start to ramp up in March and a little more in April. I could be totally off and they have been screwing like rabbits in which case I might almost be impressed with my wife’s time management skills but odds are this is the beginning. The real 64K question is what happened at the “lunch meeting”. I must admit I really can’t say, I would like to think the best of her but bitter pill thy name is red and quite frankly who knows at this point. Its possible future communications will shed some light which would be ideal but when it comes time for a confrontation I don’t have to lay all my cards on the table. I will be very careful to not to let her know exactly what I do and don’t know. I will let her imagination run with it and I can bluff that I know all the details and I just need her to cop to them if we are ever going to move forward. I believe I clearly have enough deception to move if pressed but I am going to be a little cautious here without a smoking gun and see how things play out.
Q6. Bad Sex
First two years LDR, awesome sex. Little hiccup, then very good sex. I got over most of my performance anxiety PDQ. After marriage a slight slowdown (bait and switch perhaps a little but life and work happen) then trying for kid number one I felt like I was a prize bull being studded out. I didn’t complain (much) but I could have used some variety. After kid number 1 we had an adjustment, she stopped working by choice (she made decent money as a teacher and I grew up with a working mom so that was ‘right’) but I quickly supported her decision since my income was the dominant one. She went through a short low time but after a couple of months she found a mom’s club, got her social vibe on and things picked back up. Good for another year or so, the salad days….back when I had one kid, thought I was a good parent and good husband. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may….Sex had slowed a little but still very decent. Very excited to ‘try for another’ and after one month KABOOM. Typical prego sex, none in first trimester, second trimester was a slutfest, and nothing for the last 2 months. I really didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary. I was mentally prepared, didn’t have any expectation so all was good. After number 2 is where we never recovered. He was a bit fussy and it stressed her out, I stepped up to help, she slept with one of her mom friends. Pretty standard stuff.
We moved away for my job and started over, things got a little better but never the same. I never fully addressed (or really understood) the problem. I thought my force of will and sheer awesomeness could overcome anything. Sex dwindled to every couple of weeks, I started having performance problems again. Resentment, disappointment, I’m going to try harder. Wash, rinse, repeat. We were done with kids until she decided she wanted one more, I said sure why not. Sex a few times, pregnant, no sex. We moved again about a year ago and things went from every few weeks to birthday, anniversary and then nothing for 6 months until we went on vacation in February. I thought she needed to relax. First night she got drunk and we went at it like animals. Second night she got drunk and we went at it like 12% more tired animals. Third night she read a book. That was when in first clicked that I was in big big big trouble. Like way in over my head trouble.
Got back from vacation and nothing since except for one feeble attempt recently. It was not my best moment. Which is where we are now...
Q7. Starter Sex
She would ambush me. I loved it. She was more experienced, I had a few short term relationships, some decent hookups and one LTR. I was 25 and she was 24. It was good solid mid 20’s sex. Lots of blowjobs, a little bit of “that would be in the butt Bob” and always lots of excitement. I think part of this was our LDR which kept things fresh. I saw her at least 2 or 3 times a month (single, making good money meant trips for her to see me, me to see her, and us to travel) so it was more of a hybrid LDR. Nice and safe and easy. No risk. Perfect for her, lots of new fun experiences and exciting places, food, etc. On my end…no risk…easy…no risk of rejection.
Q8. Elephant
The story follows the points made in MMSLP so closely I wouldn’t blame some of you who doubted my veracity. I am the case study of beta brainwashing who meets a fun girl (at the time she was probably only a 6.5 or 7) whose raw desire is like catnip. She had gotten through her bad boy phase (she still says she can’t figure out why she was attracted to them) and like magic out of the lamp pops little ole me. Textbook. AFC thy name is Bean.
Q9 Leadership
This one gets a little strange because I have always thought it was clear that I decide the big stuff and she gets to decide the small stuff. I handle finances and she lives a pretty nice life within the parameters I establish. She gets to decide where we go out for dinner but I decide when we have to move and have final say on the house. She can decorate but I set the budget. Thats pretty close to the reality but I let her get her way a lot because frankly I didn’t care about the small stuff. I am a big picture guy, if she wants sushi tonight I am all good, there are real problems in the world that demand my attention. I think the problem is there is lots of small stuff and it all adds up.
I am an unbelievable father. No kidding...I am not perfect but I get it. My wife is loving but inconsistent and impatient. I know how to mange my kids for the most part, how to give my kids a choice between options that I have already defined as acceptable. So I understand leadership and practice it in a very positive but firm way with my kids but I think my laid back style was not rigid enough for my wife. I should have treated her much more like I do my kids. I would never put myself in a position where I would really let my kids take advantage of me. I am aware of that pitfall. With my wife I naturally assumed that she, like me, weighs her choices and makes decisions based on rational tradeoffs. It turns out her thumb was on the scale the entire time and she started taking advantage of me, became entitled, and lost respect. That hurts to say but I keep coming to that conclusion. I never established my frame because I assumed we both had the same expectations. The end result is that I gradually got sucked into her frame on the day to day things. Meanwhile I was content with the thinking that I was the one “steering the ship”.
Q10. Good Times
It seems hard to remember them. They used to come so easily. I took a lot of pride in my work and my kids and providing for my wife as if that was more blessings than I deserved. We still have fun these but there used to be excitement and spontaneity, it all feels so forced. Now I find happiness in my children and satisfaction in my intellectual pursuits but it seems to feel more like work, there is simply no joy in it. She was always on the high maintenance side but I took pride in maintaining her. When she was proud of how smart and funny and successful I was I barely noticed if she was bitchy. I am so laid back I figured I was the yin to her yang and things just kind of worked. But there was joy in it.
I look at our kids and I think I could be content with calm, normal family stuff during the day while working hard on my new business and wild nasty sex with my wife at night. Pretty simple formula. So the first half has been there and I guess I always thought I was good enough to fix the rest so I remained content with what I had and didn't focus on what was missing. I kid you not that glass is half full crap is the real deal. Turns out I have spent an awful lot of time and energy going in the wrong direction because of that willingness to overlook problems. I didn’t realize the error of my ways until I was just flat out of energy. Those happy moments that happen every day are usually enough to sustain me and I was too busy not sweating the small stuff....like no sex...because if you look around that problem seems pretty damn awesome when compared to most peoples lot. After reading Meditations and Man’s Search For Meaning I know that happiness is a choice and I don’t give anyone or anything the power to make me happy. I think I will be more in tune with how joyful I am feeling. What has hurt me the most is now understanding that what I was doing was completely wrong this whole time. That pride has cost me and it is going to impact my wife and my children unless I am man enough to stop it. That scares the ever living crap out of me. At the end of this process I hope I can rediscover the joy in the journey which is probably a good indicator I am going in the right direction.
Conclusions
So a good plan violently executed now seems to be in order. First and foremost this current extramarital activity cannot stand. Somebody must put their foot down and that foot is me. I texted our counselor this morning and gave him a heads up, we are going to speak tonight. I feel like I can wait until our regularly scheduled meeting 5 days from now without risking a huge escalation in her behavior. I plan to use that time to gather as much information as possible and re-exert my frame when presented the opportunity. Our counselor is through the church and she is much more religious than I am so when unload and demand the truth, in church, in front of God Almighty I believe it will put a ton of pressure on her. Did I mention her parents are coming to town on Wednesday as well which sets up a Shame move of Game of Thrones proportions. Imagine having to tell your very morally upright and conservative parents how you have dishonored them….again. I am going to demand she assist me in carpet bombing Chris back to the stone age as well. I have already been looking up how best to contact his wife but I want to make sure she focuses her attention on him and not my wife. Not that I think its his fault but she’s got to deal with him and I have to deal with my wife. I also want to be sensitive to the fact that I am the bearer of a metric butt ton of bad news. All suggestions welcomed, appreciated, considered, most likely not mocked.
I believe this current escalation is being compounded by my recent re-acquisition of my nut sack. Over the last couple of weeks I have grabbed the jar off the shelf, pulled out the old boys and gently tied them on with some old dental floss. She is not one to go quietly into that gentle night. She very well might escalate even further if I don’t drop the big one. I get the sense that she might have even tried to meet him out last night had I not arranged a family outing. I am “working” right now and I get the sense she would rather I not spend quality time tonight. If anyone has some good suggestions about how to innocently mess with them when she goes back to our bedroom and ruin their good times before the big reveal please suggest away.
What to work on: First is Mr Nice Guy needs to sit in the back of the bus for a while. The idea of needing both strong and compassionate (AB) sides hit home with me so I don’t want to destroy that guy. I have always prided myself on knowing how to get what I want with people by appealing to their self interest (ironically my biggest problem with my wife has been not understanding her self interest). I may have kept it a bit too low key…ok way way way too low key. I need to turn it up to 11 more often and get comfortable doing it….and also comfortable knowing when to do it. I look at my wife, she is a one trick pony. Go apeshit and scare people into doing what she wants. That works…sometimes. I have let my fear of rejection fester under the guise of “playing it smart” but instead I was just a one trick pony with a different trick and less humility.
I need to study more real world examples of marriage game and how to apply them. I learn quickly but I need examples so as I encounter situations that seem interesting I will try and post them here in the hopes that people can give some feedback. I believe I understand theoretically what to do, its time for the lab practical portion of the exam. Now its about believing it and maybe even a little fake until you make it.
I find myself coming back to a fundamental problem. I believe the biggest problem is my wife wants excitement and values what she doesn’t think she can have. There is a simple way to cure this outside of a LTR and that is to put her on the back burner and spin some plates. How does one achieve that sense of dread but remain true? I don’t believe I am trying to install a false sense of dread, simply an accurate one. If this does not change immediately then it is really over. Hows that for some real dread. It would be so much easier to be able to just come out and say that instead….
There will be (almost) no more porn. I have been working on this already for the last few weeks and realize why I have always sabotaged myself with different forms of covert contracts. It always seemed like such an impossible concept to quit it entirely because I never had any real expectation of long term success. Deep down I guess I knew how it all would play out so why not just let the good times roll. I hope I haven’t permanently damaged any of my bits and pieces. Maybe I should get one of those sensory deprivation chambers…
I am having a ton of trouble getting my software design and infrastructure rolling for my new business. We have a good idea, we have the basics of the design I just need to roll up my sleeves and start chugging. The first 10% and last 10% are the hardest because they require artistic inspiration on the one hand and pure determination on the other. I have always struggled with the first. I need accountability. I am too easily distracted and this crap is not helping. I need to know there is no room for error. I have been fat dumb and happy (enough) for too long and need to regain my edge. Any good tips for that, I have always been an employee so I had natural accountability. Now I need to generate it myself. I think this uncertainty is the final straw so focusing on this and making real progress would be an immense value play.
If you have made it all the way here I applaud you. I lost interest about 30 minutes ago. Just writing this out has been a very helpful exercise so whatever happens this has been worthwhile for me. I know I am missing something, maybe even a big something, maybe I am way off base across the board. Feedback is welcome but I have read many of the other triages and based on the comments on other threads I really don’t expect much help from you jokers but any port in a storm right? That and I got nowhere else to go….I got nowhere else to go…..
@Jen_Kay Should this be 911? @BeanBurrito There are threads on the forum about how to blow up an affair, and I believe Athol has some on the blog.
"illegitimi Non Carborundum" Indeed. And you need to keep that attitude up. And I want you to internalize the spirit of General "Vinegar Joe" Joseph Stilwell. This was his motto (swiped it from British Intelligence) - and he probably had the most difficult assignment in the Pacific Theater during WWII. Stilwell was very intelligent, daring, ballsy, and a brilliant military tactician. You're henceforth Vinegar Joe.
@fredless @chief_tc
I have no experience blowing up affairs, but many others here do. You'll get help here. On this.
For now, Vinegar Joe, I want to you understand something: The Stay Plan and the Go Plan are the same. You will emerge from this mess the best version of you. Really, you can do that. Its gonna be rocky. Its gonna be hard as hell. Yeah, she's gonna fight back hard - the MAP changes always cause bump-back. Keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times.
I'll read back through this again and comment some more. For now, "Illegitimi Non Carborundum". You will prevail.
How will you live well today?
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
I don't believe I would go about church confrontation and including her parents immediately. That is just you wanting punishment. You don't know enough to know the extents. I would save that for leverage if you must, but really you don't need it.
Your wife is in a fog. She will lie and say anything to avoid harm to her partner. Your only mission is to bust the affair and protect your family. Whether your wife stays in the family is up to her.
Saying that, when there's an affair involved, the spouse in affair fog will likely not notice.
If she has no idea you monitor her then you have the upper hand. But it will take time so yes, slow down and keep monitoring. A VAR is inexpensive but very valuable part of monitoring.
The car is a safe place they feel they can call/talk with a possible AP.
@Blackwulf has a great point. Protect yourself. You got money in the bank, you do not want to loose it due to your wife's infidelities.
Also be prepared for major DARVO
The Facts:
1. She is having a relationship with an old high school friend/flame named Chris. I know exactly who he is based on his Facebook profile which has his business information and apparently he uses that phone for both personal and business since my wife is in constant contact with him. His identity is not in question, I simply shared my confusion as it unfolded in near real time in the hopes that it may provide others insight when they are trying to discover the truth in their own relationships.
2. She is being deceptive about her relationship. She has a fake name on her phone, deletes all of his calls and all of his texts. She does not talk about him and has only mentioned him once and not even by name. She alluded to a "high school friend" when I told her I was committed to focusing 100% of my energy on our relationship.
3. She has become a prolific text maniac with him which is not her style. It looks like the communications began in October but they were not frequent and their pattern does not raise suspicion. I do not have access to the content so I cannot say one way or another. There were a couple of text conversations early on, then not much for a couple of months. In March the volume started to increase and for the last 2 weeks it is almost non-stop.
4. She has met him in person at least once. I cannot say where, for how long, or what happened. The flirty nature of the message suggests it was not entirely platonic on his part. There is no hard evidence about what specifically occurred and more specifically her exact behaviour. Clearly he was being flirtatious but she has plausible deniability. She was deceptive when she told me she was having lunch with a female friend.This is what normal people call a lie.
5. Our relationship has been at a steady state of 'blah' for a while but I noticed a significant attitude change in around March. She became cold and pulls away at my advances. Very few expressions of affection and robotic.
Interpretation:
Much of the evidence is circumstantial however circumstantial evidence is occasionally very convincing, as when you find a trout in the milk. She is hiding the relationship which is the definition of an affair. If I break down the phases of this relationship it seems like the first contact in October was "oh, good to see you blah blah". Phase two probably came quickly after with "Do you ever think about...". Based on volume of texts in November and December there was back and forth most likely escalating those thoughts ending with "Well I guess we should both work on our relationships". She exhibited no marked change in behaviour throughout that entire period neither showing more/less affection. Her attitude change in March corresponds to the up tick in communication volume. We went on vacation in February and had a nice time but I recounted our physical interaction which started well and she abruptly stopped after the first 2 days of 5. I know we had both been looking forward to the trip and I think (we both) saw it as a natural break point after the stress of moving, the holidays, etc. Along the lines of a New Years resolution you just kind of push off the change to a known date and then buckle down. Whatever was "supposed to happen" didn't so she started mentally checking out and that accelerated for the last two months.
Obvious escalation in communication volume between March and April and enormous jump starting in May. The last two weeks she is up over 1000 texts when her average prior to March was 200 and then March to April closer to 350. Did something happen over that time I honestly cannot say. On the two ends of the possibility spectrum they have been having "lunch meetings" for a couple of months now getting physical or on the other end it was really just lunch and the beginning of the next escalation. I don't believe there is a way for me to know what has already happened, I can see from the outside what is going on and know where she is going from this point forward.
Deleted files stay on a hard drive until written over (usually after a few months, but will vary on frequency of use). Swapping hard drives allows you to do a deep sector scan with recovery software on the original hard drive whilst the cloned one is used (minimising chances of her writing over potential evidence). Images and movies are very easy to recover.
Good luck with the MAP.
With that in mind, I can say that the mspy (or any solution involving pulling data from an iPhone backup file) is not particularly helpful. I think @Blackwulf mentioned a burner phone but I don't think that is much of an issue. I can see that she is doing something shady, I just don't have visibility given her MO. She texts and deletes quite brazenly, it reminds me of being 14 and thinking nobody will ever find the Playboy under my mattress. By deleting texts immediately there is no time for them to be saved in a daily backup file. This is much different then having a big file and deleting it all at once then trying to retrieve it. In that case the handle to the file is usually removed but the underlying file itself still exists and can possibly be recovered. All these little texts coming in and being quickly removed are impossible to recover without much more sophisticated tools...if at all. So my conclusion is that you will miss quite a lot if you are using any type of backup recovery method. You can save yourself the money and just use the free tools to inspect the backups and turn on the Where's My Phone feature to track movement.
A caveat would be iMessages which you can get sent to a different device but you will not get SMS or Text. That may be good enough if both parties have iPhones but please be aware that Apple broadcasts the addition of a new device to ALL currently logged in devices for that Apple ID. You don't want to get caught doing that.
The other option is to jailbreak the phone, this will give you complete control. I had hesitated because I wasn't sure you could hide the evidence of it being jailbroken and for a tech smart person you cannot. The cydia application which acts as the unlicensed app store can be hidden but not completely. If you swipe to Spotlight and search for it the application will appear. Its a bit of a tradeoff, if the person doesn't suspect or know to look for it you can get everything otherwise you might compound your problems.