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Let me start this off by saying that under most circumstances I could probably sit down and think this through and respond coherently, but at this time I'm preoccupied with too many things to do so in what I feel is an adequately timely fashion.
Here's the present situation:
I'm out of state this week from Tuesday morning (today) through Friday afternoon for work.
My parenting schedule is that I always have my 2 children on Mondays and Tuesdays beginning Monday after work through Wednesday morning when they're dropped off at school. I have the kids alternating weekends beginning Friday after work. I work 8 to 5, 30 minute commute before and after. The kids have latch key before and after school on my days.
I asked my ex-wife, as I always do, if she can take the kids on my days while I travel for work. She usually declines, but this time she said yes.
This is a good thing because in my absence on my time, my fiancé has to fill my role as parent. My fiancé works on the same schedule, has 1 child of her own on a schedule of alternating whole weeks. She has her daughter this week. (Sunday through Sunday)
I travel on average probably once a month, usually during the week 3 to 5 days. If my ex-wife was to take parenting time, it'd mean she took 1 or 2 extra days in that week.
My fiancé has had frustrations with my kids during some of these trips and would rather the ex-wife take on the parental role.
Back to the present situation... Yesterday, my ex-wife decided to ask that my fiancé take the kids today. My ex-wife had decided she would rather attend a training session for some volunteer charity activity. I told her that my fiancé had made plans for one-on-one time with her own daughter this evening, and that she (ex-wife) made a commitment and has to stick to it. Her words: "Fine. This time."
As it turns out, the kids had been sick over the weekend. In the afternoon, my ex-wife relays that she had been called by the school that my daughter was in the office complaining of feeling warm and not feeling well. I'm in the middle of picking up a car, so I get to school 90 minutes later which is about an hour before I normally would have, but I haven't finished returning the trailer I had to use to pick up the car, so all the kids ride along or that.
Next morning, my daughter is still complaining of not feeling well, but I have to leave for my flight. I send a text to my ex-wife, but get no response.
By the time I get through security, apparently my fiancé can't take time off work for my daughter and ex-wife won't either. My fiancé tells my daughter that if she can't go to school, then she'll just have to come to work and be bored. The daughter continues to be uncooperative, the other 2 kids get dropped off then all of a sudden my daughter experiences a miraculous recovery and goes to school rather than be bored to death at my fiancé's work.
Unbeknownst to me, the evening before my daughter had deleted my entire text conversation history with my ex-wife and changed her to a spam text, so all day today I was not receiving any text messages from ex-wife. Not even from the group text where coordination happens between myself, ex-wife and fiancé. After I was done for the day, I figured out where to find the messages that had been sent to a spam folder.
Way back early on when I found my ex-wife tended to have things come up where she needed me to watch the kids and I would end up with more than my share of 50/50 custody, I was told here to look at any extra time with my kids as a privilege. And I've adopted that view point. My ex-wife has not, and instead feels that my fiancé needs to "step up". I think it's my ex-wife that needs to step up. My fiancé feels the same only more so. And nobody I know could imagine putting other things ahead of their own children the way my ex-wife does.
I feel it's time to say something, as I've reserved myself from judgment and kept things strictly business in conversing with the ex-wife to this point, and it's generally been the case that the ex-wife hasn't pushed me to this point. I think it's gone too far and something needs to be said. I'm open to any responses, but I'm asking how I should say this to my ex-wife.
Comments
Do you live together?
When is the wedding?
You can't change your ex. If you get righteously indignant every time she acts up, you'll end up with an ulcer. If your ex is reasonable you can try to have a nice, friendly, non-emotional, non-confrontational convo.
If your ex is a fucktard, well, it's the gift that keeps on giving.
Get a copy of the book, Joint Custody with a Jerk.
Last question first:
Wedding is June 25. We live together, we have been for a little over a year.
Frustrations. In general it's a matter of getting the kids to do what they're told when it's not something the kids want to do, mostly it's my strong-willed daughter who is consistently resistant, but my son has his moments and those are the ones that got my fiancé to the point of saying she something has to change.
Quick summary, I have a son who is 10 and in 5th grade and daughter who is 9 and in 4th grade, fiancé has 1 daughter who is 8 and in 2nd grade.
The incident in particular with my son has to do with tutoring. Both of my children are behind in math, so our schedule was that they went for 2 hours on Mondays and Wednesdays in the evening. It was set up that way so it would be 1 evening during my time and 1 during my ex-wife's. My ex only takes them if they have a make-up day on a Saturday, she couldn't take them on Wednesdays because she also takes care of her husband's 2 kids and it's too much for my ex to deal with (eyeroll) The schedule changed since but that's another story... My son had a bad day at school and got uncooperative on a session while I was out of town for work. It waThis is the time where she gets dinner while they're in tutoring, so she got called back in the middle of dinner to talk with my son. She texted my ex for backup, my ex said she couldn't (my ex on this occasion declined taking the kids because she was supposedly helping her husband pack to sell his house). The reason she said she couldn't help was because she had an appointment to play racquetball.
This incident was in March if I recall. My son has since had his middle school orientation, and that was a turning point where he started actually being significantly more mature and hasn't really had any issues since then.
My daughter has stepped up to fill that void. She's been faking illness to get out of school lately. Yesterday was the latest example. But she'll yell and be uncooperative, it takes threats and coercion to get my daughter to cooperate. She's usually the most difficult right after she's had time at her mom's house. If I have work travel after a weekend with the kids, the daughter will tend to be very mature and helpful. I am aware my daughter acting out is often attention seeking behavior.
My ex is probably, out of the 4 adults of the 2 households, the softest. Her husband is probably the strictest, he's in the national guard. He's a good counterbalance, he usually seems to see things my way. But when I have a disagreement with my ex, she gets defensive and brings him into the conversation, and I usually end up feeling as if he's saying the same thing I am, but the primary tone of what he says is defending my ex.
The thing is - yeah, I do think my ex is a bad mom. But I don't ever say it outright. I will state the actions, and almost any reasonable person hearing these actions might come to the conclusion that she's a bad mom. But she reacts as if I told her she's a bad mom. I know that's vague, I've spent too much time typing and I gotta go but if more elaboration is needed, I'll do that later.
I'll definitely look up the book. Thanks for the response.
I suggest that you and your new partner take parenting classes so you can learn to deal with normal childhood behaviors without threatening, coercing, or expecting another adult to come to your rescue. Specifically, look for "Love and Logic" classes. They're offered just about everywhere.
I went looking for my dreams outside of myself and discovered, it's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it.
Anne Shirley - Anne of Avonlea
Why don't you take full responsibility for the kids when you have them? Either you are available for them, your fiance is available for them or you make other arrangements that don't make you ask your ex to watch the kids on your time. If you stop involving her, maybe you won't be irritated by any drama. You are in control of things while you have the kids, so make it work without her.
Here's why I clicked disagree on Scarlet's post, I think it should be obvious to anybody who can see things the way it came across to me why I think it's just trolling. The way Scarlet's post comes across to me is that she sees nothing wrong with what my ex-wife does, and thinks the problem is that I'm a bad parent and so is my fiancé.
I really don't know how it's possible to come to that conclusion when my children's bad behavior happens after time spent with their mom, but not if they've been with me for a while or how we don't have these issues with my fiancé's daughter.
I think Jellybean gets it, but I'm not sure everyone that hasn't been through divorce with kids might get this. When divorce with joint custody happens, a wife and husband dissolve their marriage contract with each other, but they do not dissolve their obligation to their biological children. There may be two schools of thought as to whether my fiancé or my ex-wife is more obligated to take care of my kids in times when I'm traveling for work, but I'm pretty sure that if it was my ex-wife traveling for work everyone here would be telling me that I should be taking care of the kids.
But if that's all that the issue was I wouldn't be posting a question here. My ex-wife is the source of the behavior problems. My kids are 2 or 3 grades behind in math, I take them to Sylvan for tutoring to get them caught up, she let's them think that if they don't like it they shouldn't have to go. The result is they fight it. We didn't have this problem when we had the kids for nearly 3 weeks straight while my ex-wife went on her honeymoon - even when I had work travel in the middle of it all. My son gets daily behavior reports from his teacher, and that week was the best week he'd had in a long me.
For the time being, my work day on this trip yesterday started at 7 AM and ended at 2:30 AM, and for the time being it's time for me to start the next.
You are very direct in saying that your ex is a bad mom. You are very clear that she is not a good influence on your kids.
So why are you trying so hard to make sure your kids spend more time with her?
You were told that you should step up and take care of your kids even if it wasn't your time because your kids need care. They need the parent who takes them to get tutored.
It's about what your kids need, not about making a bad mom "step up" so she can do some more bad parenting.
The reason I suggest you take parenting classes is because of all your complaining over perfectly normal childhood behaviors. Kids lie, try to cover up their lies, refuse to do things, and act out when they're stressed (such as going from house to house). That is what kids do. You, as a parent, need to handle those things without blaming them on the co-parent. If your ex-wife was here I would recommend that she take classes too. As it stands, you are the one asking for advise. As a co-parent, your fiancee does in fact need to be able to handle a phone call from Sylvan. There was no emergency there, no reason for your ex-wife to cancel her own enjoyable activity, and no cause for you to call her a bad parent. She already has the children 2/3 of the time. It is wholly unreasonable for you to expect that she be instantly available for non-emergencies when you have charge of the children. That is not what is means to be a bad parent. And really, if you think she's such a bad parent, why are you and your fiancee leaning on her so much? That doesn't make any sense, and reveals that you don't really think she's a bad parent - you are just annoyed that she will not bend to your will.
This is all about having healthy boundaries, which is something you've yet to develop.
might you need to look for a job change that allows you to be a more present father?
i am of the opinion that if a woman came here telling us that her fiance/bf expected her to watch his kids AND deal with his crappy exW regarding his inability to deal with his custody obligations/logistics, many would have her reconsider her choice to be with him
tighten your ship, captain - you have to lead through spotless execution, not delegation
good luck
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Fuck Culture. Live your life - Beatrice
I gave my assessment and of course I don't expect anybody else to be able to make that assessment... Apparently I'm wrong, other people are in fact capable of assessing my ex and determine that my assessment, based on actual contact with the people involved, is wrong. I really didn't come here to discuss that assessment, I simply do not get enough time to type it all out.
Is anybody going to change their mind here and try to answer my question if I go through the exercise of convincing everybody that believes I don't know what I'm talking about in providing a brief assessment of my own situation? I'm skeptical, but I'll try.
I've only given the examples of when I wanted the ex to take the kids and she didn't for reasons I do not feel are strong, don't assume that I've stated everything that's wrong.
The ex goes to half marathons with her mom on weekends. I've had 3 extra weekends with my kids this year. I don't even bother asking her to make up time because she never has and when I did ask she almost always had an excuse why she couldn't that week. The few times she would offer to make up time she would back out every time.
We had an unmodifiable alimony in our divorce decree for 3 years or until she got married. Twice she made week long trips with her SO stating they were visiting his dad who was sick. As I found out afterwards, on the second trip they actually were going so they could get married in Vegas and she thought she could get away with continuing to collect alimony until a month before he 3 years were up by telling me she was getting married 6 months later in August.
This year, a year after they got married, they went on their honeymoon, and of course it was scheduled over her weekend with the kids on Valentine's day weekend. I had evening plans, which I was able to go on since it was a weekend by taking the kids to stay at my parent's overnight.
Over this honeymoon, she agreed to pay for the extra $200 worth of latchkey that would be necessary on the days that would otherwise have been hers. (She doesn't use latchkey because she can pick up and drop off kids from school) When it came time to pay latchkey, she said she'd pay me back. Then she said she'd pay me after the honeymoon. Then after the honeymoon, she said she did not have the money and instead she'd pick up the kids from school on my days until I had saved enough on latchkey to make up the difference. And then she started cancelling days, and it took her 3 months to finally get to the point she'd made up the difference.
She claims poverty like this, occasionally saying one of the kids needs this or that, can you please buy it for them.. Yet she's gotten new living room furniture 3 times in the last 2 years, new playstation 4 and xbox one right after they came out... And then after she's asked me to buy one of the kids new shoes, a week later they show up with new brand name shoes she bought right after I bought them new shoes. She leases new vehicles, and in the last 3 years she's changed vehicles 3 times. I wouldn't know the lease terms she gets, but I know the vehicle she had at the time we divorced was on a 3 year lease and she turned it in after 1 year.
She once explained a scheme she was cooking up that she was going to be a stay at home mom, and she was giving me fair warning that since she wouldn't have any income the child support formula would make me pay more child support. I advised her that it would never work that way because the court would impute her income if she voluntarily quit her current job and still use the same income, and that she is obligated to provide financial support to our children at her current level, and if she didn't believe me she should check with her lawyer. That idea went poof, she figured out nope, she can't just take more money from me.
As our son will be starting middle school, she's asked me to start the child support modification so she can get more money from me. I told her nope. It's a $40 fee, if she wants the modification she has to file and pay the fee. Besides that, I'm still paying summer day camp all summer for both kids and I will probably still have to pay for some sort of after school program for him anyway.
As far as having alternative resources, the ex generally is better situated as she has parents and a sister within 3 miles of home. My parents live 80 minutes drive away and my sister lives about 10 hours away. My fiancé's parents live about 45 minutes away and her brother is about 60 minutes I don't have practical family childcare support for evenings, the ex-wife does.
The issue with the volunteer training is not the volunteer training, it is that she came up with it after she already had agreed to take the kids after school while I traveled for work.
She takes the easy way out, and it's neglectful to my kids and/or a bad example to them. As she's not abusive, it's not like I can change custody more to my favor. And the kids love their mom and are close with their step siblings.
If I didn't have my fiancé, there really wouldn't be much choice, she'd have to take the kids. The ex doesn't want me to be unemployed, she'd lose child support payments. They aren't that much, but she feels entitled to as much payment from me as she can possibly get from the divorce because she views me as someone who owes her something.
Too tired to continue, and tomorrow I'll be driving to the airport then driving 4 hours to a part of Michigan where the internet practically doesn't reach. With all the kids. My apologies if this is responding to responses rather than making a coherent point.
Now make a different plan. If your ex-wife suddenly disappeared, what would you do? Do that.
You could read the book @JellyBean suggested and use a co-parenting tool like Our Family Wizard.
yes, that is why she is your ex
but all doesnt address the operative topic
this has to be about you, not her and not your fiancee ... you seem to have an outlook that these two women owe you something. they dont ... you are a father and fathers have responsibilities. .. yes, sometimes fathers enlist paid or unpaid assistance in executing those responsibilities ... but ultimately, expecting others to do that stuff for you at your convenience and at their inconvenience is not leadership
you can stop doing your ex favors then expecting her to 'pay you back'
you can tell your ex that your fiancee does not exist to make her (your ex) life easier, so your fiancee 'stepping up' is off the table
your ex should be told (and enforced) by you that any plan that she (your ex) comes up with must not include your fiancee (you can choose to involve your fiancee, but your ex can not 'volunteer' your fiancee)
your ex only has to 'step up' to the letter of the custody decree - so enforce it to the letter and dare her to go to court to get it changed to be more lax on her
if you dont like doing more than the decree requires of you, dont do it ... if you choose to do more than the decree, own it as a choice for all its consequences with eyes wide open as to the outcome (e.g. your ex being a flake and taking a yard after you give an inch)
look at it from the lens of leadership without whining or expecting 'fairness'
good luck
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Fuck Culture. Live your life - Beatrice
If you continue to waste time and emotion expecting her to be different you only cause pain to yourself, your fiancée, and most importantly to your children.
Stop making exceptions to the custody agreement to do her a favor and then expect repayment. If you're available to take the kids during her time, do so because you love your kids and hey, more kid time! If you're not available then don't take them. "Sorry, I have plans I can't change I'm sure you'll figure it out, ex wife."
The first two paragraphs of your most recent reply on this thread are dripping with passive aggressive snark. And the whole situation you've laid out in this thread is basically a huge covert contract. "If I help me ex, she will help me." And you get angry when she doesn't live up to it.
I believe you would greatly benefit from Athol's Nice Card Mean Card series.
I say the above so you know I've dealt with similar situations.
When the divorce agreement says you have the kids, *you* are 100% responsible for them. If you arrange for child care by anyone else, you are *still* 100% responsible for your kids. Doesn't matter if the child care is provided by a paid sitter, your fiance, or your ex.
What would you do if you were the sole parent and had to travel? That's what you need to do. [What I do when I travel ... the Ensign either stays with a friend or his father. I connect with the Ensign at least once a day.]
If you have joint custody, your ex is 100% responsible for the kids during her time. If she dumps them on your doorstep without warning during her parenting time, she's irresponsible. After all, you might be moving that weekend, or have a hot date lined up.
What you do when your ex has the kids is no concern of hers. If she needs kid care when she's responsible, she may ask you ... you have the right to say no.
The situation works both ways. If you'd be unhappy if she dumped the kids on you, she has the right to be unhappy if you dump the kids on her.
And ... may I strongly suggest you get Our Family Wizard to help with scheduling and create a paper trail?
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH