Extremely High Drive - Him Not So Much

Serenity · June 11

A lot of guys don't understand responsive desire, and expect a woman's desire to be as spontaneous as theirs. It doesn't really work that way.

http://hightmarriage.com/the-secret-reason-your-wife-doesnt-initiate-sex/

CallmeCat · June 12

@Serenity I had a very deep conversation with my husband about this. I needed him to understand it as I really don't think that he does and I also threw out the fact that I am certain it was some of the issue when our sex life derailed so bad. He said I do desire you and I do want sex with you and I said well I would never know it as you do not act sexually attracted to me at all. I did send him a few articles to read a while back so I know he has thought aboit as he has made some attempt to show desire. He has a ling way to go but at least I Thinkk he understood how much I need that. I was bending over in the utility room getting cloths out of the dryer and he came up and stuck his hand up my shirt and start fondling me and it shocked me! He has been trying to Kiss me more and it does exactly what it is suppose to, makes me feel wanted. I know there is lots to work on but at least he is making some effort.

fordsvt · June 13

if his initiations are weak and Beta then he needs to step up and hit them hard. I figured that out awhile ago. That's why my wife wasn't attached either.
Since coming to the forum I learned to Alpha the sex initiations and what a world of difference. Other blogs too. Women like bad boys who can make them O. Talk dirty and perform. Not men who are snippy needy and cynical. That doesn't work.

Whats he like? Take charge or wait ?

Husband3point0 · June 13

If he's reading things that you're giving him and actually putting it to use, then you sound like an optimal case for the "Just Fuck Me" solution. Give him that book.

Then, sit back and enjoy.

Serenity · June 13

You mentioned in another thread that he had his T levels tested and they were 'normal'.

What prompted him to check his levels, and what was the actual lab number?

'Normal' isn't optimal.

Being overweight with a sluggish sex drive are red flags for low T.

Posts that may help.

http://hightmarriage.com/normal-doesnt-mean-optimal-or-clueless-gps/

http://hightmarriage.com/the-top-two-reasons-your-husband-doesnt-want-sex-and-what-to-do-about-it/

http://hightmarriage.com/orgasm-crash-cycle-why-he-loses-interest-after-sex-what-you-can-do-about-it/

CallmeCat · June 13

@Serenity no that must have been someone else post my husband has not had his checked . He has a doctors appt to get set up with a new pcp but not till the first of august that's as soon as he could get in. Now to get him to ask for the test. I am sure they will send us to a lab for the blood work as it seems most are doing that around here so all he really needs to say is I want my testosterone checked right or is there a specific type of t test he should ask for? Assuming I can get him to ask. He still has weight to loose but he is working on it and at 62 it comes off a bit slowly. We are a work in progress but we are having sex now so that's a good thing. Usually twice a week sometimes three times and then sometimes when we have alot going on maybe once. He does seem to initiate better when it has been a few days inbetween. I have tried to take everyone's advice on OI and not being too :available. Sometimes that is hard and I get why it is hard for either sex. I caved last week though as I was just horney as all get out so I walked by and slightly pulled my shorts down so he could read my "fuck me friday" message on the back of my panties and he said well I know what day it is and what I am going to do which lead to a good session.

Serenity · June 13

Sorry @CallmeCat. I was actually directing that question to @mrsthing.

CallmeCat · June 13

@Serenity oh that's okay but I did read that link on edging ,very interesting.

Serenity · June 14

Total testosterone and possibly estradiol (estrogen) are really all you need for now. You just need to see if it's even a thing.

CallmeCat said:

He has a doctors appt to get set up with a new pcp but not till the first of august that's as soon as he could get in. Now to get him to ask for the test. I am sure they will send us to a lab for the blood work as it seems most are doing that around here so all he really needs to say is I want my testosterone checked right or is there a specific type of t test he should ask for?

mrsthing · June 16

Hi everyone,
So as someone here suggested, I am incorrect about both of our sex drives. And a few other things. I was on a business trip and upon my return my H has been initiating with strong initiations nearly every day - I mean really obvious stuff. I noticed that I rejected him 3 or 4 times. He told me that he was hurt.

I thought more about it and realized that while I want sex, my husband smells and I am not interested anymore once I get a whiff. To be TMI, it is his butt. It really stinks. If he sits in a chair, the smell is left behind - and I don't have to get close to it either. The other day we were in the car and I doused myself in perfume first and I still smelled it.

I have been subtly suggesting the smell problem, but with my husband having Aspergers, I know I need to be blunt. So this morning when he smelled again and tried to cuddle up with me, I told him in no uncertain terms that he needs to clean this area better b/c it is a huge turn off for me. He was not offended in the slightest and said he would take care of the problem.

He also told me that he would like me to cut down my business travel. I have been effectively living in another city 1/2 the month since January. I don't have to do this. It is part of my not being assertive and saying "no" to clients.

So I have no traveled planned for four weeks, when I absolutely have to go. But only for a few days - not a week and a half at a time etc.

frillyfun · June 17

Sometimes guys really are that clueless about the bathing, and smelling good thing. I think you handled that well.

CartB4Horse · June 17

After re-reading the links from Serenity I will change my drive bys from pats on the butt and other light measures to more direct, aggressive drive bys.

mrsthing · June 21

Some new developments:

No more stinky butt smell, but he did say his feelings were hurt by this and that I have a stronger sense of smell than most (true, but I am his partner so he does have to accept this and make an effort to be cleaner)
There has also been consistent use of very nice fragrance on his part as well as mouthwash
Initiations by him everyday since my last post, sometimes more than 1x a day and now aforementioned smell is gone thank goodness
Loads more drive bys
Romantic dates are being planned by H. Went on two this weekend.

Something is working better. Not sure what it is or how I keep doing it though? Maybe it is simply being here more?

frillyfun · June 21

Good for you!!!! It may have hurt his feelings, but the butt smell was bad enough that you felt the need to roll down the window in the car. You might be a super smeller (also, if you are you could have a lucrative career), but I'm guessing anyone would have noticed.

It's a lot easier to get drive-by's going if you're in the same house fairly often.

DonaldDouglass · June 22

You gotta wonder how many other people have been smelling his butt stink. Your input may well improve his social and professional life across the board...

mrsthing · June 22

@frillyfun - I guess I did not think about how all the traveling was impacting this. I thought - oh, I have been gone for a week, of course he will want to be with me! But for him, he said he felt disconnected from me b/c I was gone so much. One month for 3 straight weeks. I won't share what I do for work but it does in very large part involve my nose.

@DonaldDouglass I know. In the past, there wasn't butt stink but there was BO, super greasy hair, ripped and stained clothes, a crazy beard with food in it. I tried to very gently tell him and he'd get very upset. To the point that friends of both mine and his came to me and talked about it. That all stopped but then this showed up!

When we were dating and before marriage it was not like this. He was well groomed, smelled great. He worked a corporate job too, so he had to keep on top of things I guess.

I was able to change the above things (although I do catch the occasional stained top which I point out - he can choose to take it off or not, and usually he will)

My H now works with his hands and has all kinds of new hobbies that involve the same, so he gets sweaty. So it makes sense but still - yuck.