Starting my map

mrnicks

Here's my triage, enjoy.

1.       Me 34 Her 35

Married 10 years this year.  Been together for 16.

2 girls 3.5yrs and 8 Months

 

I’m 6’3”  220lbs  Muscular with some fat hiding the abs.  I have a 46” chest big arms, big neck, and big shoulders but legs are lacking. I do many pushups and random exercises, no solid plan  I was consider myself a 7, I do get attention from women.

 

Her 5’8” probably 190lbs  Cute face and ass,  but belly protrudes further out than her DD breasts.  Not going to lie, this is sometimes a turn off.  I do like meaty women, but let’s just say she could pass for a pregnant woman.  In the past 10 years ago I tried to get her to exercise with me, but she’s not a hard worker so it was too hard and I never said anything again.  Does this bother me, mostly no, it does when we have sex and we can only do 2 positions because everything else to too hard.  I would put her at a 5, could be 8 if she lost 50lbs.  Now that I think about it at her last physical her doctor asked her if she was going to start exercising.  Naturally she was offended.   To her defense she is extremely busy at work and with the kids.

 

2.       No major medical issues

We both suffer from allergies.  She doesn’t take birth control.

 

3.       Attraction, well I think we both are.  Physically, yes. She would be more with some weight loss.  We both are smart and educated. I’m definitely more of a go getter.  I only have certifications and went to a trade school.  She has bachelors from an ivy league school and I make almost 3x as much as her.  Although I NEVER say anything about that.  Besides that she’s underpaid for her skill level.  She got really comfortable in her jobs and is too scared/ lazy to make any moves.  Me I’ll quit today and have a better job tomorrow if I put my mind to it.  I enjoy learning new skills and trying new things.  I feel like she has the attitude of I already went to school.  In reality she has to work even a low paying job because I still don’t make enough to cover all living expenses and her $60k school loans.  Where she works our children get free daycare!  So that’s huge. 

4.        We both more and more neglect critical moments.  We don’t really celebrate our birthdays, anniversaries, and buy only little stocking stuffers for Christmas.  Our excuse is lack of time to shop and why waste the money when we can buy practical items. I probably started this because I always sucked at giving gifts.   Been over the years I tried to do better than we gave it all up.  As for huge items, I can’t really think of anything, we are usually always together.

5.       I don’t cheat and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have the time too.  I don’t know if she masterbates, maybe a little she’s pretty prude about sex.  Never says what she likes or wants. I always initiate,  and the feedback I get is so subtle it’s ridiculous.  I can barely read her if she’s into or not.  If we’re in bed everything seems to be going good until I try to take off her underwear and she asks me “what are you doing”? I’m like seriously WTF.  I actually have to take her hand and put it on me sometimes.  I cut her slack because I know she’s tired.

As for me I was using porn every day, mainly because my sex drive is through the roof.  But recently I stopped cold turkey.  Even though I may look at porn every day,  and even masturbate once or twice.  I am still sexually available and can always get it up.  But, I’m quitting because it may be killing my alpha game towards her.  Been watching to many easy whores, I guess.

 

mrnicks

6.       Sex drastically declined after having the kids.  Which is understandable.  But what pisses me off I’ll ask if she’s tired, she says no not too bad,  so ok, I’m going for it.  I make some advances it’s all good and then she’s on facebook.  WTF, I seriously hate facebook now.  I’m trying to connect with her and she want to look at pictures of who knows who’s kids.  I’m very alpha at work and everywhere, but I feel I’ve gone beta at home.  I’ve been too much of a pleaser and I look for validation too often.

 

Although I know she gets the kids ready and takes them to school, then teaches younger kids all day, then packs them up brings them home. I get home about an hour early make bottles, do dishes, work on a few things around the house then start dinner. Then she gets home she feeds the baby, we eat.  Then she baths them while I do the other million things that need to be done.  I fucked up recently and had a beta blow up about how we’re disconnected and just watch tv and browse facebook for the last 30-60 we’re awake. When I rather be having spouse time. And I said, i felt us growng apart because all we talk is work and kids.  She agreed but just cried and said she didn’t know what to say. Finally it’s down to her being exhausted with the kids.  After this I knew I fucked up.  I went about this all wrong.  That’s why I’m here AGAIN, to get on track and stay on track.

 

7.       Sex before kids was about a 7/10.  Only 7 because my drive is higher and there’s always been that not enough sex battle.  I’ve really learned to deal with that pretty well.  It’s not that I want more sex.  I just want to feel wanted and desired. All of her energy goes into a job she hates, our children and then the rest of the energy she has facebook gets.  I know she has to have some type of hobby.  But I just feel last on the list.  When a woman makes a pass at me it feels so good to have someone show interest in you.  For a while I would just flirt back and get that boost of dopamine.  But that’s a very risky game to play so I don’t.

8.       As for Elephants I don’t know. I looked at porn. I feel she doesn’t love me sometimes.  I try to say good job, thank you, and I love you.  But I don’t get that back EVER!  Well I get I love you.  I can’t think of anything besides being overworked with kids.

9.       The leader?  Well she does all the leg work and I make all the big choices.  Like she pays the bills and plans the vacations. But I say where we’re going and how much to save and invest.  I do believe this is like e 51% her 49%.  I think she should be more like 30%.  This is my fault because at work all I do is make big decisions and when I get home I don’t want too.  But I’m going to try to do more.  Probably take over the bills completely. I know she does respond well when I have my captain hat on.  So that’s a big thing I’m shooting for. I know at work I’m like “I don’t give a fuck what you say” then at home I can everything she’s thinking.  Damn it!

10.   Good times yes, we had and have them.  Now they just all involve the kids and that’s fun but I want us time.  She will NEVER make us time EVER.  She says it’s not worth getting a babysitter then traveling to the sitter then picking them up.  Then they’re off schedule.  And blah blah blah!

 

I'm going to go through and start the map.   First thing is to become more captain.   Maybe develop a schedule where I take care of the kids and she does the other stuff.  

Sometimes I get scared that if my map goes to well I will outgrow my spouse.  My value will be too high for her unless she improves herself also.  But I'm not going there yet because she might improve also.  She has applied for some better jobs recently. 

Oh and I'm getting better at shit tests.  I usually just laugh at them because if you stand back and look at it, most of the time they're hilarious. 

mrnicks

Also one other Item I may have messed up.  So she hates her jobs, the management are just cruel and the literally have about a 40% turnover rate.  So she was bitching and complaining for at least 2 hours everyday after work.  Keep in mind she gets home at 5 and is in bed by 830-9.  So it's a real fucking downer to have to hear this everyday.  I was a ear to listen for a month or so and I finally told her she needs to leaver her work there and separate her family time so she can enjoy her family.   Now she doesn't barely talk about work which is nice but I can it really isn't helping her.  And I told her once I wish I could help you but you're the only one that can do anything about it.  I used to complain about work at one point so now I feel like a hypocrite. But I fixed my problem and she needs to do the same so we can move on and have fun together and enjoy our lives and not be so stressed out. 

mrnicks

Also another item I really have to implement is STFU.  I can do this when talking to asshole guys at work.  But I dig too much with the wife.  That's the beta bitch coming out!

Cowboy

Welcome!
A few random observations and questions:

• At 6'3" and 225 lbs, you could be really muscular, or you could just be really flabby. Do you do any serious exercise at all? 
• The lack of presents and gravity for birthdays and anniversaries sends a serious message that you don't value the marriage. Even if no one says that, it sets a bad tone. I would turn that around right away.
• You're not alone in hating Facebook. I used to fantasize about putting my (now ex-) wife's phone behind one of the tires of my SUV and backing over it. Don't feel bad, it's a great way to kill closeness with your family. You should NOT feel bad for feeling neglected and ignored.
• I don't feel like I have all the facts yet, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say yes, your wife is pretty lazy, and probably feels fairly entitled, too. She's got an Ivy League education, yet still manages to make peanuts...She bitches for hours each day how much she hates the place, and is underpaid, yet can't find the motivation to get off the couch and find another job? She whiles away hours a day on online media and TV...
• You sound like a "Nice Guy." If you haven't already, I would check out the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy." You seem take the blame for all her unhappiness, and hold her behavior to a much lower standard than your own. For example, she bitches about her job for hours each day, and YOU screwed up by telling her it's obnoxious? As an ex-g of mine used to say, no one wants to be an emotional tampon. As another example, you think YOU fucked up by telling her the honest truth, that you're sick of being ignored in favor of a stupid Internet site.
• In line with the previous point, I think she treats you like an orbiter and/or servant. You tell her how much she means to you, and she kinda shrugs. You're there to take prep the baby, do most of the chores, listen to her bitch, and bring home the money. She treats you this way because you let her. Women don't sleep with their servants, as a general rule. This might be a big part of your problem.
• The one thought I kept having as a read through this was "there has to be something else." I thought I would see this "something" in the "Elephant in the Room" section, but you didn't really put one down. Even with your overly submissive, DLV behavior, and even if you are a little flabby, you're still probably more attractive than her. Is there something else you didn't think of before? Have there ever been any male "friends" of hers that spend too much time for your comfort? Did you leave out something big, like a time you blew off the anniversary to go to a strip club?

Mr_Sharp

Welcome. Hope fully this one won't get deleted.  I hate using my phone for this.  

It sounds like her chimp brain is struggling to keep the status quo by fighting dirty. You can't get drawn into emotional dirty fighting.  

She sounds like a chronic underachiever.  Probably very bright but unmotivated and didn't face much adversity til she got out of college.  Now she's stuck in a habit of underachieving. And she's connected to a network of chimps and hamsters that validate all of her chimp and hamster stuff. 

@Cowboy is probably right there's another elephant.  It may not have much to do with you. I'd sleuth out the underachieving cause.  It's not what she blames for it. May be mental health issues.   She also might be straight up addicted to Facebook.  Have you tried to take away her phone?  Does she flip or get violent?  (Don't go experimenting just yet)

DaddyOh

Let me go further with what @Cowboy said in regards to physical appearance. 

My best friend is 6'4 and 220. He has a 6 pack. He's an outlier (at 37), given he hardly works out. Odds are, you got some pudge you need to get rid off. I always harp about working out, because it provides so many benefits. Not just physical.

In regards to your wife's physical appearance. You cant take her to the gym by the hand and make her workout. You lead by example. 

Was told couple years ago; the way to keep your house clean is to throw a big party every 6 months. This forces you to really clean up every inch of the house, and throw away junk you don't need. Same goes with your appearance. You and your wife Go out to a big formal event (couple times a year) where they'll be lots of pic taken. Why???
Buddy of mine did that with his overweight wife. Pics ended up on FB. He got so many compliments while she saw her self and could not believe how she looked. No overhead selfies no filters, these were all pics taken and posted by others. Guess who decided to hit the gym.

mrnicks

Well, thanks for the input.  I agree with a lot of your ideas.  

1. I'm not really flabby. I actually have a 4 pack, can't see the bottom too.  V shaped back and my arms fill all my sleaves. 

2.  I do exercise.  Not as much as I used to.  I do dumbbells once or twice a week, I have the opportunity to do push ups at work, so in a 8-10hr day I do around 10 sets of 10-15.  Random planks and sit-ups throughout the week.  I also have been riding my bike more now that it's summer.

3.  I could work out more but honestly i maintain pretty well. If I get into it again Ill eat all the food in the house.  I use to work out really serious and had a 6k cal diet and weighed 245.  I don't really want that.  

4.  My priority over that would be playing with my kids, working on my house, working on my motorcycle, and learning a language. 

5. I've been slowly getting back into the gift giving.  

6.  My wife is lazy to a certain point.  I mean shes up at 550-6 gets all the kids taken care of, takes them to work, works with kids all day, then packs them up  at 5pm heads home and does all the kids stuff at home.  The job thing is one thing.  But I'm working on balancing out the childcare.  I think she's just burned out.  Im going to start picking them up and bathing them before she gets home.  She told me once she doesn't remember the last time she drove in a car by herself without having to listen to the kids in the back.  I do blame myself.  Although I do pull a lot of weight every where else the child care is off balance.  I mean 15 hours of straight kids is too much.  And we do a lot of activities inside and out all the time. Gardens and such.  Our chai is not balanced.  I think if I take away a little of that stress she can catch her breath to focus to concentrate on her.  And the new better job will help.  And Ill help her i can be very motivational when im in a good mood and my needs are met.

7. I can find any elephants besides being overly stressed and over worked.  She doesn't have any male friends.   We still hang out with friends we've had from 15 years ago. And it's not too often because kids and the busy lifestyles we lead.  Ha, and if she did, she knows it probably wouldn't be a very good relationship.  I would make it completely clear to him of what repercussions would be if he tried something.  I maybe beta sometimes but I am no fuckin pussy.  I'm not a violent person but lets say years of training and a few times in jail, I don't take shit.  I've gotten way better at self control.  In my 20's I was the guy that if you threw something at my vehicle while I drove by I would casually put it in reverse smoke the tires. Get out, chase you down and smash your face. And yes I hav gotten my ass kicked, but it has taken a monster or more than one person.  Im not that guy anymore but I dont let people walk on me.  Well except my wife, sometimes.

mrnicks

I mainly have a good alpha beta balance.  But something happens and I go beta.  We are our little discussion the other night and i let the demons out.  I think I shouldn't have but I did it tastefully.  It was't all about sex, I really didn't even bring that up. I just told her I wanted more quality for us.  But, that is my fault I don't plan anything fun and dopamine inducing activities.  Fist off I'm a maniac.  Everything I do I'm pretty intense, and kids love it.  So yesterday my wife came home I didn't get dinner together. I was in the garage working on a desk and my motorcycle.  I stopped helped with the kids showed high positive energy.  She was sad and depressed. So I asked what was the matter, I knew what the F was the matter.  She said nothing, I said ok.   We talked for a moment and she took a few items in while i stayed out with the kids. She came back out and I told her/ordered while pointing at the ground to come here.  And told her to give me a kiss, she did as I grabbed the back of her head.  I know it made her feel good. Then I asked her if she had a bad day she said no.  I said alright.  I jumped in took over and fed the baby.  She started dinner.  After I finished I helped with dinner and she was still mopy.  I grabbed her gave her a big kiss and told her we're moving forward and we're going to work together and be awesome and enjoy life. I told her I'm not going to apologize for what I said but I will apologize for the time I brought it up.  Who wants to have that conversation at 945pm on a weekday.  My bad.  I said I'm not here to solve your problems. But I will try to do my part with the kids.  And we need more balance, now it's all kids.  We need out fun time. So I planned out some stuff for the weekend and got a sitter.  Sat. kids stuff, Sunday we're going shooting.  She hates handguns.  I figure that'll get the dopamine going.  She agreed with all I said and there was no fights.  180 degree on the mood.  We agreed we need sex on the weekends.  I also tried to start a oral Thursday, she can't commit to that  she says only because she doesn't know how tire she'll be during the week.  But it wasn't completely dismissed.  We're starting our oldest in her big girl bed this week so that's a challenge/obstacle.  

At one point and time I grabbed her by the shoulder and pulled her next to me stood tall and told her "I'm the captain of this ship and your my first mate, and I'm going to take us the victory"!  Then I added "if you challenge me im going to throw your ass overboard"!  She loved it!

Later even after fighting with my daughter a little we laid in bed and I told her to come lay on me and she laid on my chest and rubbed it.  She said her hands were cold and I told her where she could warm them.  She was hesitiant so I told her I wasn't going to make her do anything she didn't want to.  So in the end after being a beta bitch I turned my boat around.  And there I was laying there with her on my chest and her hand on my nuts.  It was good, I have a bj coming to me really soon.  

I know she can't handle stress as good as I can, and if I'm not the captain who the f is driving the ship.  I need to create a more balance home life and be a better captian.  And I feel pretty good today!

mrnicks

It may seem like for servant beta behavior with taking care of the kids more. But I honestly want to have more one on one time with them. 

mrnicks

It's kind of funny.  I'm really focusing on being positive.  I actually told me boss good job.  He looked at me like WTF?

mrnicks

Also about me being flabby.  Lets just say my chest is 46" and my waist is a 36.  

Mr_Sharp

mrnicks said:

It may seem like for servant beta behavior with taking care of the kids more. But I honestly want to have more one on one time with them. 

There's +1 RC beta which is good beta and then there's orbiting/servant beta (-1 attraction) which you want to avoid.  The way to tell the difference is whether you're doing something for her for no apparent reason other than she wants you to do it for her, or if you're being a genuine help. From what you described,  helping out with the children's routine is probably a good beta move for you. You're her hero if you give her a break from children so that she can recharge and be more productive and also get to spend time with your children. 

If you turn on the alpha all of a sudden and throw all relationship comfort out the window she will shut down. She'll just think you're being an asshole.   Why are you taking her shooting if she hates handguns? Sounds like you'd get a -1 in the RC category if she is feeling forced into a lesiure activity she doesn't enjoy right now.  There's a time to push her boundaries and our ain't when you're getting your feet wet and her brain is trying to process your changes in behavior. 

mrnicks

Well, she doesn't hate them.  She just isn't fond of them.  Although she wants to also get a concealed carry license.  I'm certainly not forcing her to go.  I told her I got a sitter and wanted to take her and she said "as long as you got a sitter, ok".  So, it's not as extreme as I guess I made it sound.  I'm just taking her out of her comfort zone a little.  I think she'll enjoy in the end.  Also I think she's nervous she won't be good at it.  I know she's a great shot with a rifle.  And personally I think I border alpha beta .  Just recently ive neglected the captains chair.   I understand what you're saying but I still have to go for it. I know it'll be fun.  She's the type of person who needs a nudge to have a little fun sometimes.  

mrnicks

Well, I'm still working on getting my map on he re.  In the mean time I've started more sit ups and 3 sets of 5 hand stand push ups. I don't want to destroy my shoulders.   I'm only 34. I still have my captains hat on but work is still keeping her tired.  And were in a serious shark week right now.  But I'm feeling strong and stubborn right now! !

mrnicks

Well, still working on map plan.   When you have kids and tons of stuff going on the only time I have to work on this is literally in the crapper. Multiple children under 3 gets intense.   Anyway still have my captain hat on.  I received a BJ I didn't completely initiate last night!  During shark week!  So I can keep my head high! 

Reborn

mrnicks said:

Also about me being flabby.  Lets just say my chest is 46" and my waist is a 36.  

Hey, we believe you!  

mrnicks

Reborn said:

mrnicks said:

Also about me being flabby.  Lets just say my chest is 46" and my waist is a 36.  

Hey, we believe you!  

HAHAHA!   I like this.    

mrnicks

Reborn said:

mrnicks said:

Also about me being flabby.  Lets just say my chest is 46" and my waist is a 36.  

Hey, we believe you!  

Well, you had me thinking.   I haven't been measured since a wedding last year. So I just whipped out the old tailors tape just now.  And, yep I was wrong.  I am actually 47-47.5".   And my waist is 37"  Neck 18-18.5.   I have found that Van Huesan makes the best shirts for guys like me.  The rest seem to be made for chubby guys as they are always baggy in the belly.     And that's enough about my size.  I have to get working on my map. 

mrnicks

Welp, probably get my map up today.  Had great sex last night and wife is really happy.  Went shooting during the day and had lunch.  We both had a great time.

mrnicks

Man, I'm so busy on self improvement and having sex I'm finding hard to get my map up.  Plus I'm rereading the primer. 

So far, moderate exercise to maintain lean mass, being the decision maker, planning random things, doing my best at everything.   And disiplining that ass in bed has been working very well.